New Year Better Me.
Negative thinking took me hostage the past few weeks with the SSNHL prognoses. It has been a struggle to be positive most days. Most people would never know. I am always smiling and being optimistic. But deep down I struggle with the what ifs. I have not always been this way, but life has a way of making you value something wonderful, then take it away unexpectedly. So when I get something or when something great happens in my life I tend to think “Yay this is great but at what cost” or “Yes finally but what if he leaves”.
There are many quotes that come to mind that we have all heard regarding fear. Fear is a great motivator. The Media uses it daily, parents us it to discipline their kids, teachers with grades, religion with good and evil. Fear is what keeps us from doing the things we wish we could do.
At one time in my life I was in a great place of peace. However, I was still indeed afraid of heights. A friend of ours took us on the AMAZING hike that required us to walk to to the old manned fire watch tower in the middle of the mountains. The stairs to the tower went up a steep cliff and looked straight down to a plummeting death. I got half way up the stairs and had to stop. Fear was racing in my mind. “One slip I am done. How old are these stairs. They have to be safe right? No one would just keep them here if they were unstable. Is that rust? OMG that is broken wood.”
In that moment I had to stop myself and sit on the stairs clinging for dear life. I had to change my thoughts. In that moment I made the decision to change my thinking or go back down. I focus my attention on up not down, I focused on impressing my friends, I focused on how the stairs are helping my butt look good. I focused on ANYTHING to keep me from letting fear take over that movement in my life. And when I did that I made it to the top and saw a view I will never forget. You could see for miles. You could see at least 10 14ers, down town Denver, Red Rocks, DIA, Miles of Mountains. It was unlike anything I have ever seen. And it was all because I concord the fear that was in my mind. Sounds cheesy but this is that moment in my life that is defining how I look at fear. (Now all I have to do is remember it.)
In the Hunger Games movie President Snow says “Hope. It is the only thing stronger than Fear” and it is true. I am living in fear that the worst is happening. We all do. Its the easy thing to do. Shit goes wrong in life and we want to prevent it. But guess what? WE CANNOT Prevent it.
“Sometimes what we are most afraid of is the very thing that will set you Free.”
I am so ready to be free of this fear. I am sick of being afraid of how to pay my next bill, how I am going to survive with out my hearing, how I am going to make my car last through winter, how everything may or may not go catastrophically wrong. WHAT IF IT GOES RIGHT? What if I regain all my hearing, what if money was attracted to me in abundance, what if my car last 10 more years, what if my boyfriend really does love me unconditionally. Those thoughts make me smile. Those thoughts are going to get me to the top of that watch tower. I know what end result of that story is! I know how overcoming fear ends! I just need to keep that mind set keep that vision. Keep that HOPE alive. I don’t know what is going to happen, but HOPE is better than just assuming the wrong answer.
And when they do, you can bet I will let the world know!
“Always go with the choice that scares you the most. Take the road that has more cures, because these are the choices aht are going to require the most from you. Never stop challenging yourself.”
Lets do this!