Looking back on past unpublished posts and realizing you still feel this way….

Have you ever had days were you wonder how you got were you are. How you got to be who you are and why you let youself become it. This is me everyday but for the sake of time we will focus on just today. I tend to find myself wondering to the past wondering if I should have made a different choice. How it would effect my life and who I have become.

The problem with the past is that it is in the past. You cannot change it. It is already imprinted in history. So there is no use going back and dwelling on it. Though I know this I still find myself back there. Maybe it is easier to look back there because I dont have any choices to make, or it is easy to find the mistake once you have made it. but I want to change my future. I am too big for this place and I want the world to see.

My problem is I am afraid to make decisions. I couldnt decide a major in college. I couldnt decided what car I wanted to buy. I cannot decided a career. I am afraid to make the wrong choice. But today, just today, I noticed that because I have not been making choices my life is what it is. I have let my life become what it is.

I have the power to change it. I have the power to make a different choice. I have the power to DO something. I just need to choose. At this point anything is better that where I am at. So do I take the easy way and become a fitness instructor. (Which I love but not sure it is forever). Or do I jump on something crazy like becoming an Architect.

I feel like I wake up every day saying I wish things were different. Or I wish I had this. Or I wish I could do that. Well I can. I can do things I just need to make a decision to do them.

We have this amazing power in us and I am not using it. I preach about it all the time and I just sit around and wait for something to come to me. I am afraid to do the work. I am afraid to DO anything. I dont know if I am afraid of failing or if I am afraid of being wrong.

But it has to stop. I cannot be this depressing little girl any more. I am a women. I am a beautiful, stunning, attractive woman that is smart. I know I can do all things! I just need to Choose.

 

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Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? ~Danielle LaPorte

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I came across this quote the other day and I cannot stop thinking about it. I have never really thought that I was a person that let the opinions of others direct my life. However, the more I thought about, the more I realized that it is all I do.

My mom and I fight all the time. She accuses me of things I don’t do all the time. Naturally I get very offended because all I do is try to please her. I will never be good enough in her eyes. My dad hates my boyfriend (because he reminds him of him at his age) and it hurts me to the core that I cannot show him how great he is. My sister is perfect and has a great job, a home, a husband who makes a ton of money. My brother is an engineer, and all I do is compare myself and my life to theirs.

This is part of the reason I wanted to move to New York. To find me. Not be judged. That didn’t work out the way we planned, but we learned may other things.

If I stop blaming my mother, father, and my successful siblings, and really think about this question I found an answer.

Before I was what the world made me, I was an artist. I was creative. I loved to paint, and build. I loved putting things together and making things. I wanted to be an Architect.

Why did that change?

Mom told me that artist didn’t make much money. Dad said all the money was in real estate. Society said artist are hippies and broke. People said being a architect is hard.

So I stopped. I did everything but what I wanted to do. I had 5 majors in college. I am not doing anything with my actual major. I have gone back to school twice for two different degrees and have not finished them. Why? Because it got hard. Because I had no support. Because I wanted to go out and do other things besides homework.

So what now?

Do I get back on track? Do I go become an architect? Do I finish those degrees I haven’t finished then go back to school.

Some people say you just know when you are doing what you are meant to do. I have always wondered how they “just know”. How do they go from being completely miserable in there every day life to just knowing what is the right path. How do they see past all the anger and annoyances. How do they get past all the bad moods and bad days. How do they know when to jump ship.

I guess that is why it is called faith.

You don’t know.

You just try, and try again, tell you find it.

Well…That sucks.

How to Let it Go to the Universe

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The Law of Attraction states that we need to Ask for what we want, Believe we have it, and then we will Receive it. They say to start small with a parking spot, or a cup of coffee. But what I want is more than that. I know I can have it. I truly believe that the universe can bring it to me. However, I need to be 100% in line to receive it. Staying in that frequency is not easy.

Every morning I wake up and my hearing is different. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. When it is worse it get nervous, angry, and frustrated. It dictates my attitude for that day. It is very hard to get me out of that mind set. I know that if I don’t change my mind set and get on that frequency the universe is not going to bring me what I want. Knowing this I get more frustrated at myself and it is a downhill spiral.

I am trying to utilize the visualization process. I visualize myself sitting in the hearing booth taking my test. The audiologist comes out and looks shocked. She gets the Dr and he re gives me the test. Shocked as well he comes in to tell me that my hearing is normal. Like 100% in the normal range. I try to feel how excited and emotionally overwhelmed I would be. I try and feel the relief, disbelief, amazement, and excitement I would feel. I have printed out a audio-gram, on that I want my hearing to look like. I look at it at work every day. I imagine the ear piercings I would get if I didnt have hearing aids. I believe this miracle can happen.

Every day that I wake up without hearing , I feel like I push myself farther and farther away from my miracle. I have a hard time asking, believing, and letting it go to the universe. You rely on your hearing every day. Because it causes so much frustration and struggle when you cannot hear, I am constantly reminded that the universe has not delivered my miracle to me.

I dont know the answer. I dont know how it will happen. Practice makes perfect I guess.

I will get my hearing back.

It is a big wish but size doesn’t matter to the universe.

Ask.

Believe.

Receive.

Only Love will truly save the world. – Wonder Woman

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I was watching Wonder Woman last night (if you haven’t seen it you should), and really took to heart this quotes. If you have a ever read The Secret or believe in the law of attraction all they talk about is the power of love. The energy of love. The frequency of love.

I have been in a frequency of fear and anxiety the past few weeks. I can tell that I am attracting all of the circumstances that have happened to me. I lost my hearing yet again, I am stressed out living with my mom, I am having a hard time loving my hunny, I quit school because I couldn’t handle the stress (I only have 8 weeks left), and I have had an influx of medical bills. All because I am giving out the frequency of stress and anxiety. If the law of attraction works right than that is why i keep seeing these things in my life.

A week ago I asked myself why is faith so scary? Is it because if it doesn’t happen in the time frame you want it to makes it worse or is it because of the unknown? Is it because you may not get it? Is it because it is hard? The more I thought about it the more it didn’t make sense. You think of the cancer patient that has faith that they will get better. They live their days HAPPY and with HOPE and JOY. Wither they live or not they lived a HAPPY  JOYFUL life. Not one of uncertainty and fear, and the result could be the same anyway. I mean, we all know unhappy people that have money, we all know cranky people that are beautiful and healthy but they do nothing to enjoy those blessings.

This quote from Wonder Women really got me thinking. Love is a great frequency to be on. You need to love what you have, you need to feel love for what you want, and you cannot let that faith falter. I love being able to hear. I love the sound of water. Like powerful water, going over a water fall or a good drawn bath. Or even a really good thunder storm. The power that comes from that water is unbelievable. I love hearing that. I love my hunny. He has been here through all of this shit. He deserves the best of me now that he has seen me at my worst. I love working out, I need to make it a priority. I love the feeling I get when I finish a killer workout. I love big front porches on homes. I want a home with a big front porch and open kitchen.  These are the things I need to focus on. This is the frequency that is going to bring these things to me!

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It is all in what you believe, and I believe in love. Love conquers all. Why should I be afraid to have faith that my hearing will come back. I believe in miracles why cant I be one. I believe that you attract what you think about. Why not think about times when I could hear everything or think about the things I love to hear. Why should I be afraid of what could go wrong. My hearing is already gone it can only go up from here. The worst has already happened. I am a success story. I am a miracle!

Love will save the world. My world. One act of love at a time.

Decide

 

fishThere is always a choice about the way you work, even if there is not a choice about the work itself. Choose your attitude.

This is a quote from FISH! a book about Pikes Fish Market in Seattle. Who could enjoy working at a fish market…. well these guys do. I am only a few pages in and I have already decided that today is the day I decided to change. Today is the day I choose my attitude. I choose my thoughts. I choose my actions.

I am so excited! It is silly how much is in our control and we dont harness it. I am ready for this change I am going to take control of how I respond to things. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

Well…… here we go!

 

Hello World

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It has been some time since I have sat down and wrote. I have missed it. I have missed poring my thoughts  on to this page. I have missed the community of people that comment and notice my work. However, I have become much more positive since you have last heard from me.

” Life is not all sunshine and daisy’s”

Life sucks. There is no sugar coating it. I have learned that over the past two years that I have taken the bad, lived in it, and forgotten the good. There was a post on facebook the other day, I wish I had saved it, it was about energy. How we are beings made of energy. Energy is neither good or bad, but it is what we make it to be. I am reading a book series called Darker shades of Magic. (It is like a grown up Harry Potter) It talks about how magic is neither good nor bad, it simply is. It is how you use it that determines its form.

Between the  quote and the book it really clicked for me. I ma energy, what ever I feed it (good or bad) is what it survives on. I have been feeding on bad energy. It showed. You can see it in my post. But I have decided to stir up the positive magic in me and change that. I have control.

Stay tuned to hear more from me soon. The world has not taken the magic from me yet!

 

Just Let The Storm Pass

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Some days you just need to sit  and let the storm pass. I am sitting here at Starbucks trying to do my check ledger assignment that my financial advisory told me to do, and naturally I daydreaming out the window. It is snowing. Nothing special, no winter storm advisory type snow, or lets build a snow man snow. Just snow. It is very still, yet very chaotic. I made me think about how relaxing it is to just watch the storm pass by.

We all hit storms. Life is not all sunflowers and daisy’s. Some of us get caught in worse storms than others. Some of us even have to stay in storms longer than others. I think that those of us that are in that long tedious storm tend to get so caught up in the destruction, that we forget to see the things that survive.

I went to school in a po dunk town in Kansas. I learned quickly that I am terrified of wind. Tornadoes are one of my biggest fears in life. Their unpredictability, their strength, and shier terror give me goose bumps just thinking about them. I learned quickly that you cannot predict the storm, but you can prepare for it. (It is funny because I gave my maid of honor speech for my best friends (from Kansas) wedding on this very topic. Though that is a story for another day it is funny how things come full circle.)

The whole point is you cannot predict when bad things are going to happen, but they do. You can either focus on what it takes away (your home) or you can focus on what survived (your family). Tough times are inevitable, but we have the tools to survive them. I have the tools now to fix my finances. I may be in a hurricane of financial debt but I now know how to weather this storm and survive it. I am not focusing on what I am losing any more, I am focused on what I can save. What I can gain from this. This storm will not define me.

I am going to survive this storm.  Now that I am prepared, I can relax and let the storm pass.