Month: December 2017

Today Vs. Yesterday

Motiavtion

“The future belongs to those who prepare for it today.” – Malcolm X

The other day I was majorly judging my co worker. She is beautiful, has a HUGE rock on her finger, she works at one of our luxury buildings (so her job is much easier), her husband makes a ton of money, her cloths are top of the line, and she is nice. I was drooling over her with envy. We were all in a meeting trying to decided on a date for something, when she mentioned that she had an MS meeting on one of the dates we picked. MS as in Multiple Scleroses. She has MS.

 I believe I wrote about this in a previous post but every time I see her I now look at her differently. I dont judge her, I dont feel sorry for her (in a petty way), I look at how wonderfully she is handling this challenge. She is always smiling and positive. She is so strong.

Another friend of mine who is absolutely stunning, has the best smile, so nice you almost want to punch her to see if she could ever get mad, has a sexy husband, and two beautiful baby boys. I have known her since college and have always been jealous of her. Two weeks before Christmas this year, her husband was in a fatal car accident. She is now a widow with two tiny children. I used to envy her, now I cant even imagine the pain she is in. But I too now look at her differently.  I dont judge her, but I realize how strong and amazing she really is.  Through all this pain she still shines, she still smiles, she still moves  forward.

These two people who I envied and compared my life too both have major issues and disappointments in their life. Just like me. This really opened my eyes to the FACT that everyone has problems. Never judge someone by how they act or look, there is always something going on that we know nothing about.

The only person you should compare yourself too is who you were yesterday. Then take steps to become something better. Each day  gaining momentum to become your best self.

This is not easy. I am an athlete, it is natural for me to compete with others. In all honesty I have found it is harder to compete with yourself. However, it is much more satisfying. For example, yesterday I had a great day at work, I worked out, then I ate at Chick-fil-A. Not the best choice of places to eat. But when comparing the me of yesterday to the me of today… that is an easy thing to fix.  It is easier to measure your successes and failures when you are comparing you to you. The skinny girl eating a tub of ice cream may have just broken up with her boyfriend. Dont hate on her because you think she can eat what ever and stay skinny. The girl with the big diamond ring may have worked hard her whole life and decided to buy Continue reading “Today Vs. Yesterday”

Change the world one day at a time.

change

“Stress is caused by being here but wanting to be there, or being in the present but wanting to be in the future. It is the split that tears you apart inside.” – Eckhart Tolle

Last night I sat down and realized how stressed I really was. I just got done with a killer work out and should have been relaxed and wiped out, but all I could feel was the tension in my neck and shoulders and the anxiety building in my throat. There was no reason for my body to be reacting this way. I worked out, I ate well, my job is not hard, I don’t have to pay rent, I have a loving boyfriend at home for me. Nothing major to be freaking out about.

When I got home I had to sit down and really think to get my self to calm down. Just then I realized (or decided to acknowledge) that I have been living my life worrying about the future. I believe this is #1 reason I am so stressed out. I want to buy a home, but don’t have the money. I want to get married, but I am afraid to make the wrong choice. I want to retire someday, but my job now does not offer 401K. I want my hearing to come back, but that may not happen. I want this bump on my arm taken off, but that cost money I don’t have. I want to get my dog his surgery, but that also cost money. All these things are in the future and I cannot do anything about them today.

Our bodies have a funny way of telling us when to just shut up and listen.

I ran across this quote about not mastering all of  your life in just one day late last night.  And I came to the realization (or decided to acknowledge) that I only have control of what is in front of me right now. I need to work on mastering today first. Once today is mastered, things may start falling into place. I then made a list of all the things I have been stressing about and what I have done to get them fixed.

  • I have been talking with a lender about buying a home (home buying is a lengthy process).
  • I am in love with my boyfriend that is all I need right now.
  • I am saving money by staying with my mom, that helps with saving for retirement.
  • Called the Vet regarding a possible payment plan for my pups surgery.
  • I made a Dr. appointment for my arm, that is step one in getting a cost for my surgery.
  • I am on meds for me hearing, and praying for a miracle.

WHAT MORE CAN I DO

I need to keep remembering this. I have done all I can do. I am in the process of getting these things done. I have a plan. Lets now focus on today. I keep looking at the big picture and I am missing all the fine little details. Its like going to Florence Italy and forgetting to go to see the Statue of David.  Yes you have been there but did you see all its glory. I am here today yes, but am I living in all its glory.

Lets master they day.

 

I know Why I am a Grinch…

Image result for grinch

Let me start with what my ideal Christmas weekend would be. Sitting at home in my pajamas, drinking hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, playing games (or watching Christmas movies) with the people I love most. But most holidays involve running around to every family members party, trying to give them enough of my time before having to go to the next one. (Spoiler alert – this is a depressing post)

My sister came home this Christmas (today) and announced that she is pregnant. They have had a hard time getting pregnant so this is amazing news. I am so happy for them. They will be the buzz of the holiday party. Though I am immensely happy for them, I cannot help to feel jealous.

I have always been jealous of my sister. She has her masters, she has a great job, her husband owns the family business, they were given a home, they never have to worry about money, my family loves my brother in law, and now she is pregnant. I am also jealous of my brother he is an engineer and has a great job, makes a good living, has great friends, has a beautiful girl friend who he will probably marry, and he has a great brand new apartment home. Both are younger than me and doing very well.

Then there is me. I have my degree that I dont use, I have a boyfriend that no one likes, I am 30 years old and live with my mom, I have a job that took me back because my last adventure didn’t work, and I am angry.

I hate the holidays because I am surrounded by everything I dont have. Every house I go to I have to defend to my family why I am not as successful as my siblings. I have to slap a smile on my face and talk positively about the lessons I have learned and how I am going to succeed. I have to listen to my siblings talk about how wonderful everything is and how well they are doing. Everyone ask about my siblings and how they are doing, when will my sister get pregnant, and when my brother will get married. No one asks me when I am getting married. No one asks me about my job. No one asks me about my life because they know I dont have a good one. Why should I have to be at these functions. I know what people are going to say. I know how they make me feel. I am already getting anxiety about it.

I want to be successful. I want to love a man that my whole family loves. I want my family to ask me how I am doing and have a killer answer. I want to have something to say that will wow them. I want to stop being angry at my life. I want to have something positive to say.  I am the oldest. I should have all those things that my siblings have… but I dont, and I am upset about it.

I am depressed, and angry.

I am a Grinch.

 

Looking back on past unpublished posts and realizing you still feel this way….

Have you ever had days were you wonder how you got were you are. How you got to be who you are and why you let youself become it. This is me everyday but for the sake of time we will focus on just today. I tend to find myself wondering to the past wondering if I should have made a different choice. How it would effect my life and who I have become.

The problem with the past is that it is in the past. You cannot change it. It is already imprinted in history. So there is no use going back and dwelling on it. Though I know this I still find myself back there. Maybe it is easier to look back there because I dont have any choices to make, or it is easy to find the mistake once you have made it. but I want to change my future. I am too big for this place and I want the world to see.

My problem is I am afraid to make decisions. I couldnt decide a major in college. I couldnt decided what car I wanted to buy. I cannot decided a career. I am afraid to make the wrong choice. But today, just today, I noticed that because I have not been making choices my life is what it is. I have let my life become what it is.

I have the power to change it. I have the power to make a different choice. I have the power to DO something. I just need to choose. At this point anything is better that where I am at. So do I take the easy way and become a fitness instructor. (Which I love but not sure it is forever). Or do I jump on something crazy like becoming an Architect.

I feel like I wake up every day saying I wish things were different. Or I wish I had this. Or I wish I could do that. Well I can. I can do things I just need to make a decision to do them.

We have this amazing power in us and I am not using it. I preach about it all the time and I just sit around and wait for something to come to me. I am afraid to do the work. I am afraid to DO anything. I dont know if I am afraid of failing or if I am afraid of being wrong.

But it has to stop. I cannot be this depressing little girl any more. I am a women. I am a beautiful, stunning, attractive woman that is smart. I know I can do all things! I just need to Choose.

 

Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? ~Danielle LaPorte

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I came across this quote the other day and I cannot stop thinking about it. I have never really thought that I was a person that let the opinions of others direct my life. However, the more I thought about, the more I realized that it is all I do.

My mom and I fight all the time. She accuses me of things I don’t do all the time. Naturally I get very offended because all I do is try to please her. I will never be good enough in her eyes. My dad hates my boyfriend (because he reminds him of him at his age) and it hurts me to the core that I cannot show him how great he is. My sister is perfect and has a great job, a home, a husband who makes a ton of money. My brother is an engineer, and all I do is compare myself and my life to theirs.

This is part of the reason I wanted to move to New York. To find me. Not be judged. That didn’t work out the way we planned, but we learned may other things.

If I stop blaming my mother, father, and my successful siblings, and really think about this question I found an answer.

Before I was what the world made me, I was an artist. I was creative. I loved to paint, and build. I loved putting things together and making things. I wanted to be an Architect.

Why did that change?

Mom told me that artist didn’t make much money. Dad said all the money was in real estate. Society said artist are hippies and broke. People said being a architect is hard.

So I stopped. I did everything but what I wanted to do. I had 5 majors in college. I am not doing anything with my actual major. I have gone back to school twice for two different degrees and have not finished them. Why? Because it got hard. Because I had no support. Because I wanted to go out and do other things besides homework.

So what now?

Do I get back on track? Do I go become an architect? Do I finish those degrees I haven’t finished then go back to school.

Some people say you just know when you are doing what you are meant to do. I have always wondered how they “just know”. How do they go from being completely miserable in there every day life to just knowing what is the right path. How do they see past all the anger and annoyances. How do they get past all the bad moods and bad days. How do they know when to jump ship.

I guess that is why it is called faith.

You don’t know.

You just try, and try again, tell you find it.

Well…That sucks.