“Stress is caused by being here but wanting to be there, or being in the present but wanting to be in the future. It is the split that tears you apart inside.” – Eckhart Tolle
Last night I sat down and realized how stressed I really was. I just got done with a killer work out and should have been relaxed and wiped out, but all I could feel was the tension in my neck and shoulders and the anxiety building in my throat. There was no reason for my body to be reacting this way. I worked out, I ate well, my job is not hard, I don’t have to pay rent, I have a loving boyfriend at home for me. Nothing major to be freaking out about.
When I got home I had to sit down and really think to get my self to calm down. Just then I realized (or decided to acknowledge) that I have been living my life worrying about the future. I believe this is #1 reason I am so stressed out. I want to buy a home, but don’t have the money. I want to get married, but I am afraid to make the wrong choice. I want to retire someday, but my job now does not offer 401K. I want my hearing to come back, but that may not happen. I want this bump on my arm taken off, but that cost money I don’t have. I want to get my dog his surgery, but that also cost money. All these things are in the future and I cannot do anything about them today.
Our bodies have a funny way of telling us when to just shut up and listen.
I ran across this quote about not mastering all of your life in just one day late last night. And I came to the realization (or decided to acknowledge) that I only have control of what is in front of me right now. I need to work on mastering today first. Once today is mastered, things may start falling into place. I then made a list of all the things I have been stressing about and what I have done to get them fixed.
- I have been talking with a lender about buying a home (home buying is a lengthy process).
- I am in love with my boyfriend that is all I need right now.
- I am saving money by staying with my mom, that helps with saving for retirement.
- Called the Vet regarding a possible payment plan for my pups surgery.
- I made a Dr. appointment for my arm, that is step one in getting a cost for my surgery.
- I am on meds for me hearing, and praying for a miracle.
WHAT MORE CAN I DO
I need to keep remembering this. I have done all I can do. I am in the process of getting these things done. I have a plan. Lets now focus on today. I keep looking at the big picture and I am missing all the fine little details. Its like going to Florence Italy and forgetting to go to see the Statue of David. Yes you have been there but did you see all its glory. I am here today yes, but am I living in all its glory.
Lets master they day.
The Law of Attraction states that we need to Ask for what we want, Believe we have it, and then we will Receive it. They say to start small with a parking spot, or a cup of coffee. But what I want is more than that. I know I can have it. I truly believe that the universe can bring it to me. However, I need to be 100% in line to receive it. Staying in that frequency is not easy.
Every morning I wake up and my hearing is different. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. When it is worse it get nervous, angry, and frustrated. It dictates my attitude for that day. It is very hard to get me out of that mind set. I know that if I don’t change my mind set and get on that frequency the universe is not going to bring me what I want. Knowing this I get more frustrated at myself and it is a downhill spiral.
I am trying to utilize the visualization process. I visualize myself sitting in the hearing booth taking my test. The audiologist comes out and looks shocked. She gets the Dr and he re gives me the test. Shocked as well he comes in to tell me that my hearing is normal. Like 100% in the normal range. I try to feel how excited and emotionally overwhelmed I would be. I try and feel the relief, disbelief, amazement, and excitement I would feel. I have printed out a audio-gram, on that I want my hearing to look like. I look at it at work every day. I imagine the ear piercings I would get if I didnt have hearing aids. I believe this miracle can happen.
Every day that I wake up without hearing , I feel like I push myself farther and farther away from my miracle. I have a hard time asking, believing, and letting it go to the universe. You rely on your hearing every day. Because it causes so much frustration and struggle when you cannot hear, I am constantly reminded that the universe has not delivered my miracle to me.
I dont know the answer. I dont know how it will happen. Practice makes perfect I guess.
I will get my hearing back.
It is a big wish but size doesn’t matter to the universe.
It has been some time since I have sat down and wrote. I have missed it. I have missed poring my thoughts on to this page. I have missed the community of people that comment and notice my work. However, I have become much more positive since you have last heard from me.
” Life is not all sunshine and daisy’s”
Life sucks. There is no sugar coating it. I have learned that over the past two years that I have taken the bad, lived in it, and forgotten the good. There was a post on facebook the other day, I wish I had saved it, it was about energy. How we are beings made of energy. Energy is neither good or bad, but it is what we make it to be. I am reading a book series called Darker shades of Magic. (It is like a grown up Harry Potter) It talks about how magic is neither good nor bad, it simply is. It is how you use it that determines its form.
Between the quote and the book it really clicked for me. I ma energy, what ever I feed it (good or bad) is what it survives on. I have been feeding on bad energy. It showed. You can see it in my post. But I have decided to stir up the positive magic in me and change that. I have control.
Stay tuned to hear more from me soon. The world has not taken the magic from me yet!
I sit here on a Saturday night watching Braveheart with the love of my life, and I am so greatful to just BE in this moment. I have so many things in my life that could be, or might be, it is nice to just not know for a moment.
I have a lump on my arm that I got MRI ed today, I won’t know the results tell my dr calls me. I have breast pain like never before and am paranoid I have pumps, I have an appointment next week. I hate my job, but I might have another one lined up. All these things are in limbo. All these things scare me. All these things I don’t know right now.
And that is ok. I almost don’t want to know. I want to live my life blissfully with no answers. Day by day moment by moment.
I have two healthy playful dogs. An extroardanry boyfriend who loves me more than I could ever imagine being loved. I have a roof over my head, food in my stomach, and money in my bank account. I am blessed.
I have, in this moment, everything! I almost want to keep it that way.
Thank you thank you thank you!