I have been looking back on the past few months and have noticed that I have become more and more negative. I used to pride myself on being positive and optimistic, easy going and affectionate. But I have changed. Negative thinking has changed me.
Ever since my hearing scare in November I have been struggling. Struggling with my health, my weight, my finances, my purpose, my place, everything. Just when I feel like I have a grip, something else happens. I have let myself slip into a negative tornado of dust. Spinning uncontrollably, unable to breath. It has to stop. My storm is still spinning, but the negative thinking has to stop.
I know there are many times I have said “today is the day”, but each time I am tested and fail. The way I look at it is every time we try something and fail, we learn something. I have learned something every time I have tried to be positive. It is not easy. It is a daunting task that is ongoing. It only takes one little thing to brake the gates that hold back the negative thoughts. Just one thing, could be a look from a stranger, cloths that don’t fit, telling someone your profession when you are not proud of it, being at your job that you are not proud of, being late on rent (again). No matter how hard you try something comes up and reminds you of the lame reality you live in.
Change is hard, but nothing worth having is easy. The last few weeks I have been mad a the universe. I am mad that I have to go through these things when my perfect siblings don’t. People keep telling me they will go through their own demons, but still. It is not fair. Life is not fair. Karma doesn’t come around. You create your own reality. I have been sitting her waiting for life to bring me things. Waiting for the universe to give me my dose of karma. Waiting does nothing. I need to create my own reality. I am in charge.
I can do this. I can change my life. I am working on it the best I know how. Hope is the only thing keeping me going. My belief that there is more to life than this, is the only thing keeping me dreaming. I believe there is something more out there. I believe there is a purpose or level of satisfaction that I can reach. I am tired of being here. I am tired of not having what I want. I am tired of working 3 jobs and not being able to afford rent. I am tired!
A part of me is so pissed at the world that I am about to scream. I am about to break out into BITCH mode and take what is mine. (In a positive, legal way of course). I have hit the breaking point. I am done. I am ready for the biggest and brightest. I am ready to jump. I am ready to have a job with 401K options, I am ready to buy a home, I am ready to have friends, true friends, I am ready to get married, have kids, travel the world.
It is time to live not struggle!
Change is coming.