Month: July 2016

Trying to figure it all out.

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I just wrote this whole blog post about needing help. I had it saved and ready to publish. I went to re read it before publishing, and realized how pathetic it was. I deleted it and reevaluated. I do need help financially, but I shouldn’t be put it out there like dirty laundry for everyone to see.

Do I want to be on Ellen or Oprah for something amazing, Yes. But ranting about how I work 7 days a week and have two jobs is not going to get me there. Ranting about “why not me” is not going to make anyone like me. People keep saying it is OK to ask for help, well I dont know how. Let me rephrase, I dont know how without feeling pathetic, or defeated.

My mom called to ask how I was doing the other day, and I dont know how to tell her that I have spent all my bonds just so we can pay our bills. I talked to her about going back to school. She said maybe you should use your bonds for that. Well that would have been a good idea, but they are gone. I cant bring myself to tell her that. I doubt she would help me anyway. Again, I am not good at admitting defeat.

Before I knew the results of my biopsy from the lump in my breast I had a moment where I thought “If they only give me 6 months to live, I would be very disappointed in myself and how I have lived my life.” I am better than this. I am more than these bullshit jobs. I am a better girlfriend than I have been. I am a loving, energetic, smiling person. Where did she go. My boyfriend still believes that I am here. Why cant I believe it. I have lost her somewhere and I am afraid she wont come back.

My boyfriend is an amazing man. He still believes we can survive this. He still believes that something great is going to happen to us. I am sitting here saying “OMG my life sucks why me” and he is in the same boat fixing the leak. He deserves so much more than this. He doesnt pay his bills so we can pay mine. He sits and wipes my tears away every day. He tells me every day that I am beautiful. He holds me and keeps me safe. He has unwavering faith. He keeps it together when it is all falling apart.

I do believe that going back to school is part of the answer. I want to be a Physical Therapist Assistant. I have found a school and emailed them my story so we will see what happens. I would need to find two part time jobs that would work with my schedule. But give me enough money for rent, car payment, car insurance, and Health Insurance. Oh and give me time to study and love my boyfriend the way he deserves. (working out should be in there somewhere too)

I feel so defeated. I feel like such a failure. I just want someone to help me. Give me advice. Or even have the answer…But that is not how life works. Nothing is given to you. You earn it. Well shit, how do you earn it? Where am I going wrong?

I am trying to be positive. I write down three things I am grateful for ever day. I try to look at the bright side. But depression is a real thing and it is not getting easier. Maybe someone is listening. Maybe the universe has a plan. Maybe Ellen love my blog. Who knows. All I know is I need to change this.

I can do it.

One question at a time.

 

The power of HOPE

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Isn’t the Olympics supposed to be about unity. Aren’t they supposed to be about bringing together great men and women from every nation, and competing on a even playing field. It is  supposed to be a chance for talented people to get together learn each others cultures, techniques, and languages. It should be a time for admiration, encouragement, and growth. But with all the doping accusations going on that dream has died.

My life is hard but I still believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I still believe that life is more than this struggle. The Olympics should be a vision of that hope. Those athletes should be the example of what hard work and dedication is. It should be the vision of what we can accomplish with a little hard work.

Now it is like the Hunger Games, the only difference are there are three victors, and no one dies. It is everyone against them selves. No unity, no hope.

I know not all the athletes are doping, and they are cracking down on the issue, however it still doesnt sit right for those of us who watch it with hope. Dont get me wrong, I am amazed at what some of those athletes can do! They can do things I have only dreamed of doing. Yet they have yet to realize how much power they have being who they are. They need to use that power for good. They are the ones that need to make the world great again and give us hope. Not these presidential nominees. Everyone watches the Olympics. Like the Hunger Games they are broadcast ed everywhere. Everyone is cheering for their district, sorry, their Country.

In this world we are acting on fear. We need to start acting on hope. We need a Katness Everdine to show us that we can do this and we can overcome fear.

“Hope is the only thing stronger than Fear.” ~ President Snow

These athletes have the power to bring us this hope. They have the power to show us that we can be great again. They have the power to unify us as a nation.

Every day in the news it is another sad story about how we are against each other. There is death, corruption, and anger everywhere. We all want the same thing. We all want to live in harmony among each. We can achieve this without cheating.

We should always be able to hope.

We should always be able to dream.

We should be able to fix this.

It starts with us.

 

 

 

It doesn’t do well to dwell in the Past.

 

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I sit here today dwelling in the past. I miss Colorado. I miss having a home, a good job, good food, and places to shop. I miss my mountains. I miss my friends. I keep saying what if I stayed, what if I took a different job, what if.

I cannot change the past. I cannot re make decisions. Unfortunately I cannot go back to Colorado. All I have is what is in front of me. I can choose to dwell in what it is not, or strive to find what it is.

I keep saying once I find a different job I will be happy, or once we buy a home  I will be happy, or once we have money I will be happy. But that is not what happiness is about. Happiness is about being happy no matter the circumstances. If you keep finding happiness in things you will never find it. There will always be something you dont have. I need to find a way to be happy now. Would money help, YES, but it is not the cause of my unhappiness. I was unhappy when I had money.

I dont know the answer. I dont have a secret trick. I just know that I need to be happy in the now. I cant change the past, but I can help shape the future. I am choosing to be positive and make the most of what we have here. Just today I had a day where  I wish I was back at home.

 

Always Dress to Impress

Today I looked good. I went to the gym, I completely shaved my legs (come on ladies we all know we half ass this chore), did my hair, and makeup. Nothing over the top just a little more than normal, and I FEEL AWESOME.

I had a coach in high school that always had us shine our cleats and iron our jersey for game day. We couldnt play if we didnt. Now, 12 years later, I finally understand why it was so important to do so. Not only did we look sharp and intimidating, we looked the way we felt. If we looked good we would feel good. You had to prepare for the day. You couldnt just wake up an hour before the game and hope you get there on time. By shining our cleats the night before we mentally were preparing ourselves for the game. Tucking in our jersey and wearing our hat straight, helped us focus. We would look at other teams and just know we were going to win, just by looking at them.

The power of a first impression is a big deal for both parties. On the one end the other person notices that you put in the time to look good for them. On the other you feel more confident. I am not saying go out and wear a three piece suit every day. I am saying take the time to do a little something special to your self. It could be put on jewelry, apply some makeup, wear the nice shoes, tuck in your shirt, wear the non holy jeans. Yes you may have to wake up ten min earlier or plan your outfit a head of time but you know what it is worth you feeling good.

Being an athlete I have gotten used to wearing sweats everywhere. Though I do look good in sweats, it is the easy way out. I feel so much better when I take a little time to put an outfit together. My way, my style and FOR ME. Dont get it twisted. DO THIS FOR YOU!

Look good for you and others will notice. Look good so you can walk by a store window and be like DAMN! I am not thrilled with the way my body looks but I am dressing it in a way that I like and feel really good about it!

Be you! Feel Good! Dress to impress yourself!

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It can always be worse…

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Yesterday I had yet another health scare. I found a suspicious lump in my breast. The moment I found it pure terror flooded my mind. Then the thoughts of “why me”. Tears. Then finally some rational thought of “ok what next”. The whole experience has really grounded me. It can always be worse.

I was in the waiting room of the specialist office. My wonderful boyfriend took the day off to be with me. We were sitting there watching people come and go. Strong brave women. Some with tears, but all with smiles. They were all there for different reasons. Some just a check up, some getting results, some there just for support. Some had no hair (from cemo), some had no breast. I was so scared. I just had a pea size bump I was getting sonogramed. They were there, surviving.

After I got the sonogram done I went to a different room where the Dr. told me they wanted to biopsy it to be safe. The tears started to roll down my face. Fear. Anxiety. All of it. In the next waiting room a lady (there for a check up) came to me and just talked to me. She said it wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be. She explained the process. Told me to always be positive. Then she went and got my boyfriend to help comfort me. She was so nice. She only said maybe 30 words to me. But it made a difference. I realized that this was not the worst thing that could happen. I had taken the right steps. The second I found it I got it checked. Women go through this every day. The place was packed. Women in all stages were there smiling, helping others through each step. It just took s simple smile and some reinsurance to make me look at the positive side of this situation.

Why can we not do this more for each other. You never know what someone is going through. Give them a  smile, a nod. Crack a joke in the check out line. If you see someone crying give them a hug. Let someone go in front of you in line. Let someone in on the highway. Pick up something someone dropped. Tell someone to have a great day. Little things!! You never know someones struggles. Just a simple smile can change someone life.

Two days ago I was talking about tipping the scale. All those issues seam small compared to today.  It can always be worse. The golden rule applies “Treat others as you would want to be treated.” That includes how you treat yourself. I have not been treating me, let alone anyone else, the way I want to be treated.

One small thing can go a long way. I didnt know the women, she didnt even tell me her name. But she made me feel loved and cared for. She was there when I needed it. Giving me the reinsurance I needed. My boyfriend was there, but he hasnt gone through this, she had. It was different. One simple gesture flipped my day from why me, to I can do this.

My struggles are my struggles but I do believe that helping others can help you help yourself. My goal is not to make myself happy, but others. By helping others I hope to find myself, but if I can give one person that feeling that wonderful lady gave me, I will consider myself successful!

This life is short. Anything can be taken from you at any time. Your hearing, your health, your eyesight, your family. Cherish it. Enjoy every second of it. Dont dwell on the what ifs. What is coming is coming. All you can do is react to it. Lets react with love.

#Make List = make change

#Tip the scale

#Believe in yourself

#Faith

 

 

 

Tipping the Scale

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Symbol of scales is made of stones on the cliff

Life is all about balance. There are two sides to every coin. There is a Ying and a Yang. A Boy and a girl.  A Right and a Wrong. Good and Evil. We were all created in balance. You cannot have good times without the bad times. You cannot be right without having been wrong. We all start in balance, then life happens. From there it is our CHOICE to remain in balance or continue to be out of balance.

Though we all want to be in balance, it is easier to be out of balance. It is easier to blame than to take responsibility. It is easier to be negative than be optimistic. We all choose to be one or the other. Its OUR choice. Instead of saying “I have to water the stupid plants again”, say “oh a here is a chance to get up of my desk and move around.” Instead of saying “Why the f*** did you cut me off!”, say “I  hope everything is ok he was sure in a hurry.”  Or in the world of technology instead of getting mad that our cell phone doesnt work look up and say “I guess this is not the time” and enjoy the sun on your face.

Sounds easier said than done, but you will be shocked when you realize how many times a day you choose the easy route to be negative and complain. I have been taking the easy route for a few months now and it has gotten so bad it became depression. I need to get my life back into balance. I need to start looking at the bright side. I need to start being proud of myself. I need to start thinking optimistic thoughts, even if I don’t believe them. I know someday I will start to believe them again.

When ever I introduce someone to the LOA something bad always happens before something good does. It happened to me as well. When I was introduced to the LOA, I had a good life with a great guy, no debt, and many dreams. But once I started to think about having more and being better, everything fell apart. I do believe that that is part of the process. After I broke up with the guy, moved out, and moved home, I found better. I was in a better place with myself, I found my best friend and soul mate, I grew closer with my mom, I had goals. Then we decided to better our selves, move, and have an adventure. And everything went off balance again. When you tap into the LOA you attract what you need into your life, you also push out what you dont need. No one talks about that part. They only talk about the good stuff. But to get the good stuff you have to have the bad stuff.

Maybe the worse the bad stuff is, the better the good stuff is that is coming? (my optimism for the day – check)

All in all I am starting to restore my balance. I can now appreciate more things having been so low for so long. It is making it easier to see the good thing I do have. No one ever said it was easy, but they ALL say it is worth it.

Balance.

I am tipping the scale.

Lets do this!

Paradigm Shifting, Again

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Back in January I wrote about Paradigms and shifting my paradigm. It has been six months of struggling with my paradigm and I feel that things have gotten worse. But as I read that post again, I see that the goal was not to be better but to start change. The goal was to shift from my ordinary. Do something different.have an adventure. I had jumped out of my comfort zone and into a realm of unknown.

No one ever says change is easy. Lots has changed in my life. I have learned to budget better, I have learned to work more and harder, I have learned to prioritize, I have learned to not hold things in. I have learned that I need to have more respect for myself. I have learned what I was doing was OK, but to be great I need to change.

These past few months have been the hardest of my young 29 year life. I can either dwell on them or learn from them. I sit here again in Starbucks applying for my 50th job this week, and I have to consciously make the decision to be positive. It is not easy. I am learning that life hands you lemons, and in order to change you need to learn to make apple juice. I used to take it one day at a time. But soon that became to hard. Now I take it moment to moment.

I am changing, I am clearing out the bad to make room for the good. It is painful, but I have hope.

H.O.P.E = Hold On Pain Ends

I have faith that things will get better. But it all starts with me. Like I said in my last post. I need to start being proud of me. Once I master that I am sure it will all come together. You need a strong foundation in order build up. I have been knocked down to rock bottom and before I can go up I need to strengthen my foundation. I need to strengthen me. I need to push out the bad. Force myself to see the good. Make it a habit. Make it my Paradigm.

I used to do this daily, but I am not that person any more. I am so different than I was before. Before I didn’t know struggle, I didn’t know defeat, fear, or loss of pride. I was a great 125lb sexy, college graduate with the whole world in front of her. It just so happens that it slapped her in the face. This new me has different needs. This new me has different strengths. It is time to begin this life and stop dwelling on the past. I am a new work of art. A masterpiece.

One moment at a time.

Make List

Make Change

Find ME.

$80,000 a year

128lbs

All by September

GOALS

 

Time to Take Pride

“All your life, other people will try to take your accomplishments away from you. Don’t you take it away from yourself.”

― Michael Crichton, The Lost World

My mom came into town this weekend to visit me and my sister. She hasn’t come to visit me since I moved in November. I was so excited she was going to be staying with me. I deep cleaned the house, decorated extra nice, made sure it was a place she would say “wow this is a great place”. I couldn’t wait for her to pull into the parking lot.

Now three days later I am exhausted, stressed, and really down on my self. My sister is the “perfect child”. She has a career, a wonderful husband, a home, savings, she has her shit together. I am the “Free Spirit” of the family. All I have ever wanted is for my mom to be proud of me for things that I have done in MY way. After this weekend I know that wont happen. Not because of her or because my sister is perfect and I will never live up to her standard, but simply because I am not proud of myself.

I am not proud that I have debt collectors calling me. I am not proud that I dont have a career. I am not proud that I am 15lbs over weight. I am not proud that I am stuck here in this God awful state. I am however, too proud to admit it. I am too proud to ask for help.To proud to work weekends.

I want to start doing better for me. Really. I dont want to be this. This is not me. I want things to get better.  I have noticed that the last few months I have stopped doing little things that are important. Not big things, little things that dont make a difference tell you dont do them. I have started to slack off on brushing my teeth before bed. I have not been working out (something I LOVE to do). I eat when I am not hungry. I have stopped being positive. I have stopped being grateful. I have stopped praying. I have stopped caring about how I dress. I have stopped wearing makeup.

It didnt happen all at once but it has now gotten to a point to where I have noticed. I used to be so proud of my body. I was a D1 Athlete. I had great legs, a amazing back, rock hard abs. Now I hunch, and have a gut. I dont carry myself the same way. My teeth are not as white and my smile doesn’t sparkle. I have lost all hope in myself. I feel like my inner flame has gone out.

I keep saying “I used to be this and used to be that” and I need to stop doing that. I cannot keep looking backwards expecting to move forward. I need to start being the me I am now. The me I was then, has changed. I need to stand up for myself and get this shit started. Starting with me.

I am going to brush my teeth twice a day. I am going to take pride in my outfits. Maybe even wear makeup to work. I am going to work out once a day. I am going to talk to a financial adviser and see what my best options are for debt consolidation. I am going to get out of this mess. Why is this so hard? Why am I so sad? Why can’t someone save me? What is the answer? I am so tired of trying…… I just need some help.

I am going to find me…. I can do it.

It starts with Self Pride.

I will find my fire.

I will find me.