I am there


Have you ever been so stressed out that when someone asks how things are going you just cry.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed that you cannot hold it together but cant tell any one because you feel like they dont want to hear it any more from you.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed that your hair is falling out in the shower in clumps.

I am there.

Have you ever just been so stressed you dont know how long you can keep it together.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed you start stressing about how it is effecting your brain.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed your smile cannot hide the pain any more.

I am there.

I cried at work today because someone asked how my second job was going. I smiled and said “good” and started crying… for no reason. I pulled myself together (after 5 min of crying in the bathroom) and walked back out and she hugged me. I cried again. I went to my car and prayed. I dont know what to do.

I am here.


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Is Faith the Missing Piece?


I have always been a spiritual person. Some times more than others. When things were good I went to church for the music, to de-stress and hear a good word. But once I was “saved” the word didn’t do anything for me. I didn’t get the same meditative clarification. My pastor was a great evangelist. He was great at bringing people in and getting them excited, but he didnt do well at keeping people involved. He lost me because of it. I would google messages online and listen to CD’s in the car but it wasnt the same. I didnt get the same feeling, the same peace.

Now I have hit a new bottom and cant see the light at the top. I have never been here before. I keep asking myself, is it because I dont go to church any more, is it because I am running from my family, is it because I dont pray every night like I used to, am I not grateful enough? Where did I go wrong?

Maybe the answer is to just have faith. Faith: to have a strong belief or trust in someone or something, with confidence. No where does it say that you HAVE to go to church, or pray, or be grateful to have faith. Faith is just trust. Trusting in something bigger that we are. Trusting that something somewhere has your back. The universe, God, aliens, our inner self, what ever. Faith is believing everything will be alright.

I think I dont have Faith because I havent had anything I have wanted to happen, happen. (I sound like a spoiled child). I dont trust that anything I want will happen. Trust is that feeling I had when I was “saved”. It was a comforting, clarifying, zen feeling that took all the worries away. I had a sense of peace. Now I am so stressed that my hair is thinning, my body is squishy, and I am depressed.

Now how do I get back to the girl I was? Is this what life is? Is this what people do? Is this reality? I dont want to believe it. I refuse!

I dont think Church is the answer, I think it is all in my mind. I need to find a way to place my faith, my trust in something I cannot see. Something I dont understand. Something that hasnt worked that last few times. Faith.

We all know that photo with the two guys digging to a diamond mine. The one guy gives up right before he hits the diamonds, and the other guy keeps going. The caption goes something like “Dont give up you are closer than you think.” I dont want to be the guy to give up, but I also dont want to be the guy who keeps digging and never finds it. How do you know the difference? When is it too much?

Is this a test or a sign? Is it a test of my faith or a sign to call it quits? Have I failed or am I almost there? How do you know? What is the balance? What is the answer? Faith, blind faith can only get you so far.

Faith is it the answer?



Daily Affirmations: the LIES we tell ourselves


Affirmations: A statement said with CONFIDENCE about a perceived TRUTH.

I wrote a post a wile back that talked about feeling your daily affirmations. It has been a while since I have wrote that and I feel like I am still in the same boat… ok not really, I have been kicked off the boat and I am drowning. I feel like things have not gotten better and my anxiety and stress are through the roof. By saying all these positive things, and felling the positive words flow through me, aren’t I supposed to feel better for longer than 30 seconds.

Today I feel like I am about to break. I feel like I am so burnt out, stressed out, and just down right depressed. I took a few moments this morning to look back on the week to see where it all went to shit, and noticed that there have been some really negative people in my life lately. There is this guy at my day job that is likes to talk, and is normally really fun to talk to, but lately he has been venting all his problems to me. Me being the nice person I am, listened and indulged in his drama filled story tell the end. By the time he walked away I felt so angry and drained. I felt I needed a hot shower to get the negativeness off of me. He drained me of all the positive energy I had. Then, at my second job there is this gal that is a young army mom, that has this job to get away from the drama at home. All she does is vent about her kids and how her husband doesn’t know how to handle them when she is not there. Now I get she probably doesn’t have many friends, and she needs time to let off steam, but dang it took all my energy not to slap her and tell her to shut up!

I am a nice person. I am a great listener and give great positive advice. These are two traits about myself that I love.  But lately I have attracted some very negative people to me. I HAVE ATTRACTED THEM TO ME! Knowing that I attracted them to myself, I knew that something was wrong with the way I was thinking.

The definition of Affirmation is: a statement we say with confidence about a perceived truth. We need to say our affirmations with confidence, and FEEL the words being said. I have written blog post about this, I feel I have this part down. However, the second part is where I think I am getting it wrong. The part about the truth. This is where I am failing, and this is probably why positive affirmations are not working for me. I don’t believe what I am saying. When I say ” I am am money magnet”, I feel the positiveness, I imagine the money in my account, but a little voice in my head says “not a very strong one apparently”. Or I look my self in the mirror after saying it and say “sooner than later please”. I don’t believe it is going to happen. I feel like what I am saying to myself is a lie. Lying is not a positive trait. I am trying to be positive by lying to myself. If I know an affirmations is a lie why would I believe it.I need to find a way to say affirmations that I believe are true.

Instead of saying “I am a money Magnet” I am now going to say ” I allow the financial abundance to flow into my life”. This way it is a choice for me. When the money comes I will allow it to come into my life. Logical right. I am not a weak magnet that will hopefully get money to come to me. I am declaring that money is coming, and when it does I will accept it graciously.

Instead of saying ” I am 128 lb beautiful woman” I will now say ” I am healthy and I allow my body to return to its natural vibrant health.” Again a choice. I am allowing my body to change into a healthy version of itself. I am not overpowered by the number or how my cloths fit. I am simply healthy and health is drawn to me.

I cannot lie to myself anymore. I am attracting negative people in my life and I don’t have time for it. I want fun, vibrant, exciting people in my life. I want to celebrate milestones with people, I want to laugh with people. Don’t get me wrong, people can come to me with problems and I will listen and make it the best of the situation, but it wont drain me! No more lies! I am going to make these affirmations work for me!  I believe them. They are truths I am speaking into my life!

Be confident and believe what you are saying! That in itself is a positive thing!

The Power of Choices

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There are millions of quotes on life and millions of programs to help you figure out what your purpose is. There are even more motivational movements and empowering stories. But even with all this positive enforcement, with all this information we have available to us, I find it is impossible to follow unless we make one definitive decision.

With all these programs, Life Coaches, and self-help books, we have an unlimited un-excusable amount of information to help us live the life of our dreams. So why are we not doing it. Why isn’t everyone living their dream life? Why are we sitting here in debt up to our eyeballs, day dreaming at our desk, wishing for that better life?

I believe it is because most of us are unable to make that one defining decision. We all want out of this mess, there is no denying that. We all want to live like Kim and Kanye. We all want to not struggle. We are just unable to make the ONE defining decision that will change our life. It is just one Decision and we cannot seem to make it. That decision is defining that ONE THING we want to do in life and doing it.

That’s it, decide what we want to do and do it.

Fear is an amazing emotion. It is so powerful and can be used in so many ways. I believe that fear is the main reason most of us cannot make this definitive choice. I personally have the fear of making the wrong choice. I have so many things that I am good at, and make me happy. How do you choose just one? I feel most of us are in this boat. We all have so many grand ideas of what we want to do or be, it seem impossible to just pick one. It’s not because we are indecisive, or don’t have time, or don’t think we can do it. It is because we are afraid it will be the wrong choice.

What if this isn’t the right job. Or the right field. Or the right direction. It is scary to think all that hard work will be for nothing and we will live forever in regret for making that choice.

The thing we need to realize is that once we make the decision and stick with it, the universe conspires to make it happen. If we choose one thing and stick with it tell the end the universe will work fast to get it to you. If you don’t back out and go all ahead full, you will get what you ask for quickly. Once you have it you can only THEN can you decide if this is what you wanted. If not start the process over again.

I have always admired my boyfriend for his ability to make decisions. He is always so confident and definitive, never an ounce of regret. I finally asked him how he does it and his answer surprised me. He said “I just pick one. I think it would be awesome to be a Carpenter, or an Engineer, or even starting my own business would be great! But I picked Construction Management and that is what I am going to do for now. At least tell the next opportunity comes along.”

Boom. Mind. Blown.

He is just like me, he has dreams of doing more than just one thing, he thinks there are a number of jobs that he would be amazing at. He just picked one and is going 100%! I was listening to Lori Harder a motivational speaker and life coach the other day and her message was; follow your curiosities because they will lead you to opportunities and people that have the same curiosities. By meeting new people you get opened up to new opportunities. So by sticking with one thing, and going balls to the walls with it, you never know who or what will come from it.

Now the hard part. Picking one.

There is no wrong answer, just solutions. Once you try one way, you find out one of two things. 1. You love what you do and it is your purpose, or 2. This is great but not what I want to do forever. You have ANSWERS! You crossed one off the list. You tried it, you made memories from it, you learned from it. Use those things to attract the next thing to you! Who cares if you are wrong? If you go 100% it will happen fast enough for you to change your mind and try again. Or it will lead you to someone that has an opportunity that would not have been available if you hadn’t done it.

The key is, to make the choice and go 100% with it.

Don’t look back. Just go. Do it with the passion and enthusiasm that you have made the right choice. Think about all the doors that will open and people you will meet. Step one is making the choice. Step two is doing it 100%. Step three is deciding that it is or is not your purpose.

Now for me to just take my own advice.