I did it.
I got Cochlear Implant Surgery.
It is officially the path I am taking right now. There is no turning back.
You would think that this would be the end of my stress. You would think the hard part/decision is over. But it is just beginning.
I severely underestimated the down time I would need for this surgery. The day after surgery I was up and about. I walked the dogs, I went grocery shopping. Sure I had minor pressure and pain but nothing to stay home about. However, the third day I was rocked. Dizzy spells, numb metallic tongue, mad sinus pressure headaches. All which are getting better but not gone yet, 5 days later.
The real struggle is my mind. I keep thinking that this is going to be permanent. I keep thinking I will have this metallic taste in my mouth forever. Which could be a possibility. I keep freaking out about this being my new normal. However, I am only 5 days out of surgery where they implanted a foreign object into my skull. My body is like WTF and it is trying to protect itself. Knowing this, I still keep going down the wrong path mentally.
I cannot control if they hit my nerve while in surgery, I cannot physically change the outcome of this issue. I cannot control how my body is reacting to this foreign object. The only thing I have control over is my mind, and I am struggling to get that right.
I keep going between the two extremes, completely over the top positive and optimistic (almost unrealistic), to end of my world dramatic negative. My in between is closer to the the negative side. I keep listening to podcast on how to control the mind and training the mind to get through things. None are sticking. David Goggins says to write it out until you understand it, then don’t go back down the path of not knowing. Total hard ass, just do it attitude. This works for about 10 min. Another author says to recognize the worry for what it is, dont be afraid of the facts, and have confidence that it will get better. Way to sugar coated to be effective in my case. I am terrified of the facts.
Then I opened my inspirational Quote of the day email and it said this ” The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible” – Arthur C. Clarke.
“It is always impossible until it is done” – Nelson Mandela
For what ever reason, these quotes are giving me the push to be positive. These quotes, these unspecific, vague, optimistic quotes, are giving me hope. I am a free spirit, it is hard for me to be bogged down by facts. I need the option to overcome facts, I need to believe that even though it may not have happened before, it could happen to me.
When I was writing down what I wanted (per David Goggins) I wrote this
“I am going to be in the 70%. I am being healed 100%. My hearing is intact and all of my nerves are healing and functioning properly. ”
This is my miracle. This is my possible. This is what is going to happen. It is going to happen because I am choosing for it to happen. I am at the point in my mind where it is becoming debilitatingly negative. This is the time that I need to push past that governor (like in a car) in my mind, and keep going. I need to dream big. I need to believe it is happening. I need to know that it COULD happen. What if it does get better attitude.
You never know until you try, and to try completely you have to believe.
Wish me luck.