My post today is about why I am angry and depressed. I hit a new low. I yelled at my dad. I disrespected his mom (my grandma), and I am slacking MAJORLY at my job. I just dont care any more. I am sick of being positive. It has not gotten me any where. So I decided to write down why I am angry at everyone. (If you dont want to listen to negative talk leave now)
I am mad at my dad for many reasons. I am mad he cheated on my mom. I am mad that he never paid a dime in child support. I am mad he tries to get me on his side by talking bad about my mom and her family. I am mad that he thinks he knows what is best for me. He doesnt even have his life together why should I listen to him. He continues to talk badly of he ex girlfriend when she was the best thing that ever happened to him. He judges EVERYONE. He needs to just focus on his own shit and once he figures it out then he can talk. I am mad that he hates my boyfriend. I wish he would just see Chris for how happy he makes me. Ya he is not a DR and cannot afford for me to be a stay at home mom, but trust me he wants to. I wish he would see the love and support that he gives me. I wish he would just put his shitty judgement aside and see Chris for all the love that he gives. I hate how my dad talks everyone about everyone elses business. I hate how he always says he can help when the next job comes though. I hate that he lectures me on how to be positive and good things will come when he cannot even get it right in his life.
I am mad at my mom because she cannot give me the attention that I so dearly want. I am mad that she never gave me the support I want from her. I am mad that she always looked at me and saw my dad and not me. I am mad because she told me about all the bad things dad did to her. I was a kid. I didnt need to know. I am mad that she thinks I am a bad person and did drugs, when I was the kid walking away from all of it. I am mad that she doenst know how to help me. I am mad that she compares me to my siblings. I am mad that I was never good enough for her. I am mad that she thinks I need to be on medication. I am mad that she is more excited for my brother to get married than me.
I am mad that she feels the need to tell everyone everyone else’s problems. I am mad that she feels superior to everyone. I am mad that she manipulates people to make her look like the good guy. I am mad that she talks badly of my mother. I am mad that she cannot see me for who I am and what I am capable of. I am mad that she feels that this is ok to do to everyone.
I am mad at my sister because she is perfect. She has the perfect house, career, and husband. She got good grades, got her MBA and is thriving. I am mad because I am not there. I am mad that I cannot be her. I am mad that she will never understand my struggles therefore she will never be able to help me.
I am mad I didnt do better in school. I am mad I didnt try harder in school and focus on something that would lead to a career. I am mad that I am not where I want to be. I am mad that I am lazy. I am mad that I might be settling. I am mad that I dont know if I am settling. I am mad that I cannot shake this and move on. I am mad I cannot be more positive and over come this. I am mad at the decisions I have made in the past. I am disappointed in myself for not trying harder. I am disappointed that I let my fitness level sink to a new low. I am mad that I cannot get out of this hole. I am mad that I let me self fall in this hole. I am just so mad and disappointed in myself.
I get mad at my dogs for being dogs and peeing on the carpet because we are gone 10hr a day working.
I get mad at my car for pooping out on me.
I just cannot shake this. I am so ANGRY!
I cannot tell people why I am angry because it is years and years of built up little things. I cannot let it go for some reason. I dont know if I need to try and tell them why I am angry and see if that will let out frustration. I just dont want to have to give examples. I just want them to listen, and I know they wont it will become a big discussion.
I am just angry there is no one out there that can help me but me, and I dont know how to fix it.