Rock Bottom

My post today is about why I am angry and depressed. I hit a new low. I yelled at my dad. I disrespected his mom (my grandma), and I am slacking MAJORLY at my job. I just dont care any more. I am sick of being positive. It has not gotten me any where. So I decided to write down why I am angry at everyone. (If you dont want to listen to negative talk leave now)

My Dad

I am mad at my dad for many reasons. I am mad he cheated on my mom. I am mad that he never paid a dime in child support. I am mad he tries to get me on his side by talking bad about my mom and her family. I am mad that he thinks he knows what is best for me. He doesnt even have his life together why should I listen to him. He continues to talk badly of he ex girlfriend when she was the best thing that ever happened to him. He judges EVERYONE. He needs to just focus on his own shit and once he figures it out then he can talk. I am mad that he hates my boyfriend. I wish he would just see Chris for how happy he makes me. Ya he is not a DR and cannot afford for me to be a stay at home mom, but trust me he wants to. I wish he would see the love and support that he gives me. I wish he would just put his shitty judgement aside and see Chris for all the love that he gives. I hate how my dad talks everyone about everyone elses business. I hate how he always says he can help when the next job comes though. I hate that he lectures me on how to be positive and good things will come when he cannot even get it right in his life.

My Mom

I am mad at my mom because she cannot give me the attention that I so dearly want. I am mad that she never gave me the support I want from her. I am mad that she always looked at me and saw my dad and not me. I am mad because she told me about all the bad things dad did to her. I was a kid. I didnt need to know. I am mad that she thinks I am a bad person and did drugs, when I was the kid walking away from all of it. I am mad that she doenst know how to help me. I am mad that she compares me to my siblings. I am mad that I was never good enough for her. I am mad that she thinks I need to be on medication. I am mad that she is more excited for my brother to get married than me.

My grandma

I am mad that she feels the need to tell everyone everyone else’s problems. I am mad that she feels superior to everyone. I am mad that she manipulates people to make her look like the good guy. I am mad that she talks badly of my mother. I am mad that she cannot see me for who I am and what I am capable of. I am mad that she feels that this is ok to do to everyone.

My Sister

I am mad at my sister because she is perfect. She has the perfect house, career, and husband. She got good grades, got her MBA and is thriving. I am mad because I am not there. I am mad that I cannot be her. I am mad that she will never understand my struggles therefore she will never be able to help me.

My Self

I am mad I didnt do better in school. I am mad I didnt try harder in school and focus on something that would lead to a career. I am mad that I am not where I want to be. I am mad that I am lazy. I am mad that I might be settling. I am mad that I dont know if I am settling. I am mad that I cannot shake this and move on. I am mad I cannot be more positive and over come this. I am mad at the decisions I have made in the past. I am disappointed in myself for not trying harder. I am disappointed that I let my fitness level sink to a new low. I am mad that I cannot get out of this hole. I am mad that I let me self fall in this hole. I am just so mad and disappointed in myself.

I get mad at my dogs for being dogs and peeing on the carpet because we are gone 10hr a day working.

I get mad at my car for pooping out on me.

I just cannot shake this. I am so ANGRY!

I cannot tell people why I am angry because it is years and years of built up little things. I cannot let it go for some reason. I dont know if I need to try and tell them why I am angry and see if that will let out frustration. I just dont want to have to give examples. I just want them to listen, and I know they wont it will become a big discussion.

I am just angry there is no one out there that can help me but me, and I dont know how to fix it.

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One Simple Change

” You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your cloths every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control thing in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.”

I was on twitter this morning and this quote came up and got me thinking. The first part about choosing your thoughts like you choose your clothes. I sometimes (ok most of the time) dont put much thought into my outfit. I still look nice, I just dont put as much effort as I should in it. Now this could be because I hate my job, or I am lazy, but the point is if I dont put much effort into that decision I know I dont put much effort into selecting my thoughts.

Now over time I have just let the negative thoughts take over my mind. It is the easier choice. I know some of you have noticed that in my post lately. But this quote puts a lot in perspective for me. I need to pay attention to what I wear, how I look, who I smile at. I need to be more present in the moment. I may be physically and mentally exhausted but that is no excuse. I can take ten minutes put a little effort into my looks. Or make a hearty breakfast. Or play with the dogs. I am so focused on how things are going to work out, and how terrible my job is, that I have forgotten the important things that can HELP change my thoughts.

If I show up for work looking HOT people may compliment me (hence improving my mood). If I wake up and make eggs instead of cereal I may make better choices on food the rest of the day. If I play with the dogs before or after a walk they may not eat my shoes while I am gone. It gives life possibilities. 

Right now I am feeling hopeless. By putting a little effort in in the morning it COULD change my whole day. It will take time and effort but I believe this is something I can do. I am a morning person. I can do one more thing. It is worth it for a possibility of things changing.

This is my new goal. In the morning take the time to do something simple. Play with the dogs, make a good breakfast, dress to impress.

New goals new things.

I need to keep changing things up. Staying here is not an option. One step at a time.

Here

We

Go

 

My Dream Job

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Today I have decided to describe my dream job. I am going to use the power of The Secret and focus my energy onto the things I want.

My job will allow me to work 7-3 Monday through Friday.

My job will pay me $65,000 a year. With paid benefits, paid vacation, and 401k.

I will be surrounded by wonderful, positive, motivated people.

I will be able to work with people and be up and moving most of the day.

I will be able to help people.

I can walk to work if I wanted to.

I will have many opportunities for advancement.

I will have an office with lots of windows and sunlight. I will have a desk with many positive quotes, images, and love on it. The desk will be a light oak, with lots of space for writing. Possibility for a stand up desk option.  A Blue balance ball for a chair. Scented with my peppermint Pink Zebra warmer. A light oak coat rack in the corner. Beautiful scenery photos on the walls.

I will be challenged and supported. Motivated and competitive. With a great team of people to work for.

I will be able to give them the best of what I have to offer every day and get acknowledged for it!

Have my full potential utilized and have new skills to learn.

I got this.

There Universe I asked. I believe this job is out there!

Thank you Thank you Thank you!

 

Fear Is Powerful

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I just had a wonderful follower of mine comment on my resent post, and it really shook me awake. I am so grateful for the comment because they were right. I was stuck in a  negative spot and couldn’t see anything but bad things. I was so afraid that all these things could happen that I forgot to see the flip side of the coin.

Fear is a powerful emotion. It can suck you into deep places and blind you from ever venturing out into the light. I have some of my best memories from overcoming fear. I was terrified to ride a motorcycle, but I got my license and now I am a Harley riding bad ass. I over came my fear of heights and climbed up to a fire watch tower (on these stairs that go over a cliff) and saw the best view of Colorado I have ever seen in my life. Sadly, fear was consuming me yesterday.

All I could see was the bad things that could happen. I had my blinders on and was not looking anywhere but. Yes all these things could happen, but so could a ton of positive things.

This could be an opportunity for me to get out of debt. This could be an opportunity for me to shine and have someone see. Maybe even have someone offer me something bigger and better. This is an opportunity to grow and change. It would provide me and opportunity to maybe move back home. My grateful follower also mentioned that this isn’t forever. I can always quit. I can always find something else. Is is scary? Sure, but nothing is scarier that staying somewhere you don’t belong.

I need to change my thinking. I have been negative for so long it is now my go-to process. I need to change that. I need to rewire my brain to think positive again. This wont be a quick fix but it will be worth it. I am going to write this on my list of things to do. Overcome fear. Do something I am afraid of every day. ….

Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here through my journey. Thank you for encouraging me to be the best I can be.

Faith.

List.

Change.

Boom.

Questions

I have an opportunity to make more money. It would solve a lot of problems. I could pay my bills, pay rent, and afford Christmas presents. However, I would be working on Christmas, Thanksgiving, and all nights and weekends.

In my gut I know this is not what I want. But in my mind I keep seeing all the things I could afford to do and buy. Especially with the holidays around the corner. I want to be able to go apple picking, I want to be able to make crafts and sit by the fire, I want to be able to afford to get everyone a present. But to what expense.

I have a bad feeling about it. But I know it would help. It would allow me to save money. I wouldn’t live pay check to pay check. But my sanity would suffer. My dignity would be gone. I would have no pride in where I worked.

I would be doing it for the money.

Everyone tells you not to do that. Never do something just for the money. They also say listen to your gut. Well…..

What do I do?

Take the risk and make more money for a while or suffer tell I find a better opportunity?

I am having a panic attack thinking about it.

I have days where I can be positive and determined to make the most of the opportunity. But other days I cry because it is not what I want to do.

AHHH

Any advice would be greatly appreciated……

money

The Things You Notice

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Recently there have been little moments in every day that I have notice myself looking at the optimistic side of things. Whether it be looking at the bright side when someone complains to me, or when I let someone cut in that is being a bi*** driving. It stands out in my mind when it happens. It is weird. Maybe, I am starting to do something right.

The Secret say, what you think becomes things. Every thing you are thinking now is your future, think about that. The one quote that scares me the most is the one that goes:

“Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow”

My answer today is no. But I feel that I have a clearer idea of what I want. I know I want to go back to school to be a Physical Therapist Assistant. I know that I may need to take a shitty yet higher paying job in order to save to go to school. I know that I want to get married in a barn with pumpkins and pie. I know I want twin boys. I know I want to have a Bungalow with a huge porch ( I also know I want in this home). So today, I am trying to focus on these things instead of stressing about what is going wrong in my life.

I dont have a plan per-se, but I know what I need to do. I know I need to go to school to get the job I want. I know that to go to school I need to find a job that pays more so I can save money for school.  It sounds like a plan but I feel like it is a pre-plan. Until I have an acceptance letter to the school, and the money to be able to devote time to school and school only, then and only then will it be a plan. For now it is just a dream.

I want to be closer to the things that I want. I have felt like lately I have been farther from those dreams than I ever have been. The Secret says “don’t focus on the how, just believe that the opportunities will come to you. When they do you need to act.” Well this is hard. I feel like I have not focused on the how for a long time. I was kinda expecting it to just come to me. I was just like “ok I want this and this and this”. But nothing came. I do believe that you need to just trust it will all work out, but you cannot get accepted into a school with out applying. You cannot win the lotto without buying a ticket. There is a little bit of work you need to to in order to get what you want.

So I applied to a school. I applied for FASFA. I sent in my transcripts. I applied for the higher paying (shitty) job. Now all I can do it believe that the universe is working in my favor.Wait. Hope. Pray.

Like I said I did something and now I notice the little optimistic things that I didn’t notice before. They are little but the fact that I am focused on that I am doing them is a sure sign of good things.

One step at a time.

Make List Make Change.

Believe in your dreams.

I got this.

 

“If you have Faith the size of a mustard seed…”

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I have been watching the Olympics this week and I am in awe at the abilities these amazing athlete have. The way they push their bodies to their absolute limits, and than push a little harder. The way they force themselves through the pain. The way they move and bend their bodies in ways I didnt think were possible. It is amazing! They work so hard for this one moment. Training day in and day out just for this one shot. They are truly an inspiration. They dont get enough credit.

I think we have it all wrong in this world. We praise and pay pathetic people like Kim and Kanye West, and  we let people who work hard, like our Olympians, to struggle to make ends meet. We let bad managers become managers because they are sneaky sales people. We keep good managers at shitty jobs because they are not good at sales.  We let the good guys finish last. We let war vets go homeless and lazy people get free stuff from the government. We have it all wrong and it makes it hard for me, a good person, to believe that life gets better than this.

” I am somewhere between giving up and seeing how much more I can take”

I still have hope. I have a small mustard seed of hope. I still believe that life is more than working to pay bills. It has to be. I still dream. Being middle class sucks. I am working to get out of it. Working really hard. I cry a lot, I work all the time, but I keep going. I keep going with the small thought that it really does get better.

However I will admit, I do wonder if I should just be a bad guy. Would life would be easier? Would I have all the things I want?  I have too much integrity to actually do it, but the thought of it being easier… is oh so sweet.

I am going to plant my mustard seed. I am going to plant my hope in fertile ground. I believe there is more than this. Today I will not give up. Today I will not wallow in the past. Today I am planting the seed and I hope it grows. I am giving it all I have. All I have is this seed and if it doesn’t work….. well being Harley Quinn looks fun.