Month: June 2016

The World doesnt owe you anything, and that is a HARD lesson to Learn.

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We sit here and look at social media, and the news and hear about all these wonderful things happening to people. The “Chewbacca mom” getting thousands of dollars for being funny, waiters getting HUGE tips to follow their dreams, a good samaritan paying off medical debt. Though I am happy for those people, I cant help but thing why not me.

I keep thinking about these certain scenarios and have come to realize that all these people all did something. The chewbacca mom posted a video, the waitress was extremely nice  and attentive working odd hours. All these people did something. This made me realize that I am not really doing anything. I am working three jobs, but I am not nice and attentive, I am kind of depressing. I am not having fun posting videos, I am worrying about things I cannot control. I am not networking positively to the universe. I need to do something.

I have written about this before but never realized that I really don’t do anything. Making lists is making me accountable for my actions. I am realizing how low I have sunk. I need a list to tell myself to do laundry, dishes, work out, clean the house, apply for jobs. You don’t realize how bad you are in tell you write it down and look at it.

The past few weeks I have felt like I have been in the five stages of denial. I finally the other day admitted that I was depressed. before that I was angry that I am where I am, I tried to bargain my way out of it by selling my car lowering payments, when that didn’t work I realized that I am depressed, and now I am accepting my situation. It sucks, life doesn’t owe you anything. You need to work for it.

I need to DO something. I need to act. I need to climb out of this. I need a plan. My list help me to create that plan. It is a start. But we all  need to start somewhere. I need to get my finances in order. I need to put my head down and DO. I need to stop comparing myself to others and DO something about it.

I hope that others in my situation read this and know they are not alone. It may feel like it because you have pushed all your friends away, and your family doesn’t know how to help (or you don’t want to ask them for it). But I promise that we are on the right path. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. This is the hardest lesson in life to learn. Life doesn’t owe you anything, BUT you owe yourself everything! 

Lets do this!

List = Change

 

Defeat : Knowledge of what Dose NOT work!

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This weekend I learned that my boyfriend has more expenses that he has not been paying so that we could make rent. They are not little expenses either. He has been hiding them from me so I wouldn’t worry any more than I am. He is right I am now freaking out, but he should have told me so I could have know the severity of our situation.  My little victory last week was very short lived.

I woke up today with little hope, and feeling helplessly defeated. My boyfriend started a new job today and it took all of my energy to be excited and hide my tears. I can only hope it worked and that he thrives! After staying in the shower for too long and slowly sulking while walking the dogs, I told myself that today I am going to write about defeat, and leave it on the pages! No more dwelling in things I don’t know how to fix .  I am not laying in the hole any longer.

I sat down and  didn’t know where to start, so I googled “Defeat”. I was completely expecting negative, condescending, words to be in the definition. However, I was pleasantly surprised to find they were no where to be found.

  •      Defeat: is to win a victory over someone in a battle, or other contest. To beat or to over come.

It talked about defeat as if I had defeated something. I was feeling defeated, but in reality have I defeated something? Have I finally done something right? I kept reading further.

  • “Defeat is only a word. Defeat was the beginning of Victory” – Launa Rissadia

Defeat is the beginning of Victory. Have I made it to the bottom and now it is time to go up?

  • “To admit defeat isn’t failure, it is courage.” – Mickaveli

I am not a failure for admitting that I cannot go on? I am being courageous? How can this be? How can admitting that I am at my lowest point be courageous?

  • “Disappointment, defeat, and despair are tools God uses to show you the way.  Within this you will find your path…”  – Shah Kukh Khan
  • “Defeat should never be a source of discouragement, but rather a fresh stimulus.”       -Robert South

This is where I find myself? My path? This is a learning experience? I am doing OK? Things get better from here?

I woke up this morning struggling to function. Now, I am looking at this in a new light. I am learning what doesn’t work. I am learning that I need to change everything. I need to jump into something new. Maybe be a waitress, make more money and pay stuff off. Maybe I need to take a shitty job  that pays more for a year to get back on my feet. Maybe I need to just win the lotto. I don’t know … but I can tell you I am much more optimistic than I was this morning! I have a new perspective on my defeat. I am not alone, Defeat happens to the best. Failure is when you give up. I am not giving up!  I am not surrendering! The Law of Attraction has brought positive words to my screen today and I am very grateful. This defeat is a fresh stimulus to get me to do something new!

I got this.

List = Change

Lets start!

 

The Secret Scroll of learning

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“Your life is a learning process – you can only become wiser from learning. Sometimes you might have to attract making a painful mistake to learn something important, but after the mistake you have far greater wisdom. Wisdom cannot be bought with money- it can only be acquired through living life. With wisdom comes strength, courage, knowing, and an ever-increasing peace.”

– Rhonda Byrne

This was my Secret Scroll that gets emailed to me through the website thesecret.tv. This is my quote of the day. This is the optimism I am going to use in my situation. I am Learning. I am learning something now that requires me to struggle like this. There is a reason for me to be here in this shit.

Yesterdays post was very real, very hard, very honest. I am in a bad spot. I had a follower comment on my last post and she said, thank you for your honesty. This touched me. For some reason I was supposed to write that blog yesterday. Maybe it  will help someone else not feel so alone. Maybe it will attract someone to help me. Maybe it was a way for me to get my feelings out of my head so I can create space for positive thoughts. I don’t know. But I feel that that comment made me feel better. If I can feel better by being honest, that’s a positive thing! I am learning that it is OK to be honest about how you feel. It is not wrong or bad to feel this way. It is a learning process.

The list I made yesterday I think is a good start to moving forward. I only got two of seven things done (I had a softball game, but your right no excuses) but it holds me accountable for my shit. It keeps me in check. Keeps me learning.

Today I woke up and made my list, and at the top of the list is my goal of looking at the bright side of everything that happens today. Today Rent is due and we were able to pay rent. Bright Side: we have a home for another month! Thank GOD! Can we eat this week, no, but we can stay out of the street! That is important! One accomplishment at a time.

I still have my list. I am going to accomplish more on it today than yesterday. I am learning something, something important, something big. I am more than this. I am bigger than this. There is something BIG in store for me. I am not just a receptionist. I am so much more!

List = Change. It is not much of a plan but at least I have one.

 

Make Lists, Make Change

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With the rain today I finally have come to a realization, I am depressed. I have finally lost all motivation to do the things I love. People are finally sick of me talking about being worthless. I dont want to get up in the morning. I cant pretend any more. I am depressed.

I was reading a article today about Kristen Bell, and how she struggled with Depression. A successful, rich, beautiful woman is depressed. She seems to have all the things that I feel I am depressed about. Yet she is still depressed. She mentioned how  depression is about your self worth. How you feel about yourself. I keeps saying if I had money my problems would go away, or if I would just loose weight I would feel better, or if I new what I wanted to do with my life I would be happy. Kristen made me realize that it has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with how I feel about me.

My boyfriend got an amazing job opportunity a few weeks ago. He is so excited about it. He deserves it. He works hard, he is always positive, he never complains. He totally deserves ever dollar, and opportunity he is getting. I am excited for him too. I am so happy for him. Our financial situation will be better too. But in my head I am saying “why not me?When is my break? Am I not a good person?  Do people not want me? ”

I know I shouldn’t think this way, but I do. He has 10 plus years in his field. He is very skilled. I have skills too…. just not specialized like his. I cant even talk about it to him any more. I cant even pretend to be happy, and I can tell it is getting to him. Our relationship is fine, our intimacy is not. Our conversations are stale. He still loves me, but he is stressed too. With the rain and thunder today, I have decided to make list, to make a change.

I have to change. I dont want to be here. I need to change my state of mind. I need to keep busy so I dont focus on the negatives. I have a ton of stuff I “could” do but dont because I dont feel like it. But today is different. I HAVE to. Just like the rain HAS to come and be dark, the only difference is that the rain passes. It is time to make this pass. I am going to do so with lists.

Here is my list for today:

  • Write a Blog
  • Take a Photo
  • Take the dogs for a walk
  • Put the laundry away
  • Clean the bathroom
  • find trivia quizes for your down time at work
  • meditate for 10 min tonight
  • Dont look at your phone after 7 tonight

Seems like normal routine stuff, but I haven’t done any of it in weeks. My laundry is still in the dryer, my bathroom is filthy (and I live with a boy and two dogs), I never make time for myself, it has gotten bad. I need to make a goal to do my lists. I do well with lists. Writing things down and crossing them off works for me. I just need to do it. I dont want to go on medication. I cannot afford to talk to anyone. I need to do this for me.

I got this. List = change. One day at a time. That is all I have control over. By having lists I am trying to focus on the now. Not stressing over the future, or why I dont know what I want to do, or my relationship. I am focused on now and what I can do. All simple tasks. But when I complete them, at the end of the day I can say ” I did it “.

That in its self is an accomplishment.