When You are Wondering Why

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Do you ever have those days were you just scream “why me!”? Do you ever just get so angry at who ever you believe is responsible, and say “if you are all powerful why would you do this? Why would we have wars? Why would you allow this to happen?”

Well I hope to ask the big boss that someday, but for now, you just have to believe that it is happening for a reason. I know I know easier said than done. Trust me I am not here to say it is easy. I f***ing sucks. Take my life for example: my debt has increased substantially in the past two years. So much so that I believe the stress of money is causing my medical problems. Ever since we went to Buffalo we have been in a downward spiral. When we moved back we were so excited to get started on saving and fixing everything that went wrong. Only to find that it was about to get worse.

When are are living in the worst it is hard to see any way out. You are angry and wonder what you ever did to deserve this. Well a week after my little pity party, me and my boyfriend start a financial peace class. The teacher talks a lot about relationships with money and how money effects our personal relationships. 80% of divorce is because of money issues. Now if we didn’t go through what we did in Buffalo, and what we are going through now, we would have never gone through this class.  We would have been 40 years old, divorced, and in the 80% statistic. This class is helping us better communicate about money and in turn helping us grow. Is it worth all the pain… I will let you know when I am 40.

Stuff happens. You cannot plan for all of it. You can however, learn how to properly deal with it. For us in our life money is our #1 stresser. Yes we have medical stuff happening but guess what, we cant control that. I cannot control my hearing. I cannot control how strong my dogs ACLs are. I cannot control the lumps growing in my body.  BUT I can save and prepare to take care of them though.

I am in troubled water but my enemies are sinking. I am learning how to sail my ship. I am learning how to adjust my sails to get me to where I want to go.

I may not know why but I am learning a lot along the way.

Have faith.

It sucks. You will have days. But never give up.

Never give in.

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When Life gives you Damn Lemons

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We all have days where we want to give up, when the clouds come in, when the lemons keep coming. Well, yesterday was one of those days. I cried, and cried hard.  I kept sobbing “I am so sick of these f***ing lemons!” I cried before and after my workout in my car, for a good half hour. I know what it is like to give up and I know it is not easier, though at the time it always feels like it. I had to keep reminding myself of this. I had to keep reminding myself that it can always be worse. I had to keep reminding myself that I have a plan in place. I had to keep telling myself that I am strong enough. It was a continuous battle.

These lemons are just distractions that keep us from moving forward. Even when I feel like giving up (like yesterday), I told myself to just cry for a bit, take a moment to feel this. Lets face it, life sucks. It really sucks. It is OK to feel sorry for yourself. It is OK to have pity party, because you know what, no one else is going to feel bad for you! Cry it out! Yell! Scream! Growl!  Just be sure to pick up some salt and tequila when you are done.

Put your big kid pants on, take a seat, and do some shots (figure of speech). We cannot control everything in life but we can control how we react to it. Crying is normal, it is an act of strength. But we cannot stay at your pity party. We HAVE to move forward.

I get it. Trust me. It is not easy. I cannot change my hearing. It is not getting better. It is effecting EVERYTHING in my life. I cannot even get laser hair removal (TMI), that I have wanted for a long time,  because of the meds that are supposedly supposed to give me my hearing back. It is effecting my relationships with my friends because I am too suborn to ask them to repeat things more than twice. It is effecting my job because I cannot hear in the conference room. It is effecting my ability to make friends at the gym (my only social interaction) because I cannot wear my hearing aids at the gym. It is effecting my relationship with my hunny because I am angry all the time. So I try to not be angry and that stresses me out, creating more anxiety. To top it off I have other medical problems, along with two other surgeries for my pup!

Trust, me I get it.

I have my fair share of Lemons, and I am sick of F***ing lemonade. But I have my little pity party, cry it out, then I put on my  big kid pants. I grab some tequila and salt and say Bring IT! 

My Spark

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Photo credit: Drew Rosier Professional Illustrator

I have been in training for my new job for three weeks, and I have been in the job for a week. I am not giving up, however it has been a struggle. Lots of tears, not much support, and a huge amount of uncertainty. My biggest fear right now is that I am losing my spark.

I fear I am losing the one thing that makes me me. I flame is going out. I am so close to giving up. I am so close to just going back to live in my moms basement. I am so close. I cant even tell you what I enjoy doing any more.

I am scared that if I stay and “tough this out” I will lose myself completely. I am dancing with the line between a job being hard, and a job being destructive to my soul.

I moved here to find myself. Maybe you have to loose yourself before you can find out who you really are, but where is the line. When does it get better. I am sick of crying on my lunch and when I get home every day. I just want to be valued and be in a positive work environment, and make my bills in the mean time. Why is this so much to ask? Why cant I shake this?

“They” say that it gets hard before it gets better…. well it is too hard.

I am giving myself false motivation because it is better than no motivation.

I need help. I want a better job. I want to be me and enjoy life again. I want to be happy. I am sick of crying. I want to be adventurous and have time to do the things I love. I want to get married. I want my boyfriend to see the good side of me. I know it is not easy for him to see me sad all the time. I want to go home. I dont know what to do.

Do I quit. Do I move. Do I keep pushing. When do I realize that all these bad things that have happened are a sign that we shouldn’t be here. When do we realize that this was a bad choice. When do we give up. Why can I not get another job. Why cant I get the job I feel I deserve. Is it me am I not deserving. Do I need to go back to school. WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!

I am sick of guessing I NEED ANSWERS!

I need a direction.

I need a path.

I need a mentor.

I need help.

I need God to be more obvious. I need him to write me an email. I need him to put someone in my life that can push me in the right direction. I need something!

PLEASE

Rock Bottom

My post today is about why I am angry and depressed. I hit a new low. I yelled at my dad. I disrespected his mom (my grandma), and I am slacking MAJORLY at my job. I just dont care any more. I am sick of being positive. It has not gotten me any where. So I decided to write down why I am angry at everyone. (If you dont want to listen to negative talk leave now)

My Dad

I am mad at my dad for many reasons. I am mad he cheated on my mom. I am mad that he never paid a dime in child support. I am mad he tries to get me on his side by talking bad about my mom and her family. I am mad that he thinks he knows what is best for me. He doesnt even have his life together why should I listen to him. He continues to talk badly of he ex girlfriend when she was the best thing that ever happened to him. He judges EVERYONE. He needs to just focus on his own shit and once he figures it out then he can talk. I am mad that he hates my boyfriend. I wish he would just see Chris for how happy he makes me. Ya he is not a DR and cannot afford for me to be a stay at home mom, but trust me he wants to. I wish he would see the love and support that he gives me. I wish he would just put his shitty judgement aside and see Chris for all the love that he gives. I hate how my dad talks everyone about everyone elses business. I hate how he always says he can help when the next job comes though. I hate that he lectures me on how to be positive and good things will come when he cannot even get it right in his life.

My Mom

I am mad at my mom because she cannot give me the attention that I so dearly want. I am mad that she never gave me the support I want from her. I am mad that she always looked at me and saw my dad and not me. I am mad because she told me about all the bad things dad did to her. I was a kid. I didnt need to know. I am mad that she thinks I am a bad person and did drugs, when I was the kid walking away from all of it. I am mad that she doenst know how to help me. I am mad that she compares me to my siblings. I am mad that I was never good enough for her. I am mad that she thinks I need to be on medication. I am mad that she is more excited for my brother to get married than me.

My grandma

I am mad that she feels the need to tell everyone everyone else’s problems. I am mad that she feels superior to everyone. I am mad that she manipulates people to make her look like the good guy. I am mad that she talks badly of my mother. I am mad that she cannot see me for who I am and what I am capable of. I am mad that she feels that this is ok to do to everyone.

My Sister

I am mad at my sister because she is perfect. She has the perfect house, career, and husband. She got good grades, got her MBA and is thriving. I am mad because I am not there. I am mad that I cannot be her. I am mad that she will never understand my struggles therefore she will never be able to help me.

My Self

I am mad I didnt do better in school. I am mad I didnt try harder in school and focus on something that would lead to a career. I am mad that I am not where I want to be. I am mad that I am lazy. I am mad that I might be settling. I am mad that I dont know if I am settling. I am mad that I cannot shake this and move on. I am mad I cannot be more positive and over come this. I am mad at the decisions I have made in the past. I am disappointed in myself for not trying harder. I am disappointed that I let my fitness level sink to a new low. I am mad that I cannot get out of this hole. I am mad that I let me self fall in this hole. I am just so mad and disappointed in myself.

I get mad at my dogs for being dogs and peeing on the carpet because we are gone 10hr a day working.

I get mad at my car for pooping out on me.

I just cannot shake this. I am so ANGRY!

I cannot tell people why I am angry because it is years and years of built up little things. I cannot let it go for some reason. I dont know if I need to try and tell them why I am angry and see if that will let out frustration. I just dont want to have to give examples. I just want them to listen, and I know they wont it will become a big discussion.

I am just angry there is no one out there that can help me but me, and I dont know how to fix it.

Trying to figure it all out.

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I just wrote this whole blog post about needing help. I had it saved and ready to publish. I went to re read it before publishing, and realized how pathetic it was. I deleted it and reevaluated. I do need help financially, but I shouldn’t be put it out there like dirty laundry for everyone to see.

Do I want to be on Ellen or Oprah for something amazing, Yes. But ranting about how I work 7 days a week and have two jobs is not going to get me there. Ranting about “why not me” is not going to make anyone like me. People keep saying it is OK to ask for help, well I dont know how. Let me rephrase, I dont know how without feeling pathetic, or defeated.

My mom called to ask how I was doing the other day, and I dont know how to tell her that I have spent all my bonds just so we can pay our bills. I talked to her about going back to school. She said maybe you should use your bonds for that. Well that would have been a good idea, but they are gone. I cant bring myself to tell her that. I doubt she would help me anyway. Again, I am not good at admitting defeat.

Before I knew the results of my biopsy from the lump in my breast I had a moment where I thought “If they only give me 6 months to live, I would be very disappointed in myself and how I have lived my life.” I am better than this. I am more than these bullshit jobs. I am a better girlfriend than I have been. I am a loving, energetic, smiling person. Where did she go. My boyfriend still believes that I am here. Why cant I believe it. I have lost her somewhere and I am afraid she wont come back.

My boyfriend is an amazing man. He still believes we can survive this. He still believes that something great is going to happen to us. I am sitting here saying “OMG my life sucks why me” and he is in the same boat fixing the leak. He deserves so much more than this. He doesnt pay his bills so we can pay mine. He sits and wipes my tears away every day. He tells me every day that I am beautiful. He holds me and keeps me safe. He has unwavering faith. He keeps it together when it is all falling apart.

I do believe that going back to school is part of the answer. I want to be a Physical Therapist Assistant. I have found a school and emailed them my story so we will see what happens. I would need to find two part time jobs that would work with my schedule. But give me enough money for rent, car payment, car insurance, and Health Insurance. Oh and give me time to study and love my boyfriend the way he deserves. (working out should be in there somewhere too)

I feel so defeated. I feel like such a failure. I just want someone to help me. Give me advice. Or even have the answer…But that is not how life works. Nothing is given to you. You earn it. Well shit, how do you earn it? Where am I going wrong?

I am trying to be positive. I write down three things I am grateful for ever day. I try to look at the bright side. But depression is a real thing and it is not getting easier. Maybe someone is listening. Maybe the universe has a plan. Maybe Ellen love my blog. Who knows. All I know is I need to change this.

I can do it.

One question at a time.

 

It doesn’t do well to dwell in the Past.

 

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I sit here today dwelling in the past. I miss Colorado. I miss having a home, a good job, good food, and places to shop. I miss my mountains. I miss my friends. I keep saying what if I stayed, what if I took a different job, what if.

I cannot change the past. I cannot re make decisions. Unfortunately I cannot go back to Colorado. All I have is what is in front of me. I can choose to dwell in what it is not, or strive to find what it is.

I keep saying once I find a different job I will be happy, or once we buy a home  I will be happy, or once we have money I will be happy. But that is not what happiness is about. Happiness is about being happy no matter the circumstances. If you keep finding happiness in things you will never find it. There will always be something you dont have. I need to find a way to be happy now. Would money help, YES, but it is not the cause of my unhappiness. I was unhappy when I had money.

I dont know the answer. I dont have a secret trick. I just know that I need to be happy in the now. I cant change the past, but I can help shape the future. I am choosing to be positive and make the most of what we have here. Just today I had a day where  I wish I was back at home.

 

Time to Take Pride

“All your life, other people will try to take your accomplishments away from you. Don’t you take it away from yourself.”

― Michael Crichton, The Lost World

My mom came into town this weekend to visit me and my sister. She hasn’t come to visit me since I moved in November. I was so excited she was going to be staying with me. I deep cleaned the house, decorated extra nice, made sure it was a place she would say “wow this is a great place”. I couldn’t wait for her to pull into the parking lot.

Now three days later I am exhausted, stressed, and really down on my self. My sister is the “perfect child”. She has a career, a wonderful husband, a home, savings, she has her shit together. I am the “Free Spirit” of the family. All I have ever wanted is for my mom to be proud of me for things that I have done in MY way. After this weekend I know that wont happen. Not because of her or because my sister is perfect and I will never live up to her standard, but simply because I am not proud of myself.

I am not proud that I have debt collectors calling me. I am not proud that I dont have a career. I am not proud that I am 15lbs over weight. I am not proud that I am stuck here in this God awful state. I am however, too proud to admit it. I am too proud to ask for help.To proud to work weekends.

I want to start doing better for me. Really. I dont want to be this. This is not me. I want things to get better.  I have noticed that the last few months I have stopped doing little things that are important. Not big things, little things that dont make a difference tell you dont do them. I have started to slack off on brushing my teeth before bed. I have not been working out (something I LOVE to do). I eat when I am not hungry. I have stopped being positive. I have stopped being grateful. I have stopped praying. I have stopped caring about how I dress. I have stopped wearing makeup.

It didnt happen all at once but it has now gotten to a point to where I have noticed. I used to be so proud of my body. I was a D1 Athlete. I had great legs, a amazing back, rock hard abs. Now I hunch, and have a gut. I dont carry myself the same way. My teeth are not as white and my smile doesn’t sparkle. I have lost all hope in myself. I feel like my inner flame has gone out.

I keep saying “I used to be this and used to be that” and I need to stop doing that. I cannot keep looking backwards expecting to move forward. I need to start being the me I am now. The me I was then, has changed. I need to stand up for myself and get this shit started. Starting with me.

I am going to brush my teeth twice a day. I am going to take pride in my outfits. Maybe even wear makeup to work. I am going to work out once a day. I am going to talk to a financial adviser and see what my best options are for debt consolidation. I am going to get out of this mess. Why is this so hard? Why am I so sad? Why can’t someone save me? What is the answer? I am so tired of trying…… I just need some help.

I am going to find me…. I can do it.

It starts with Self Pride.

I will find my fire.

I will find me.