No More Hiding

Today I didn’t try to hide my processor.

Though I have not intentionally hiding it, I have been tucking it under my hair when ever possible.

When I got done at the gym today, I re did my hair and was getting frustrated with it. I finally put it on top of my hair and continued to get ready. It was not until that moment that I realized that I was indeed “hiding” the fact that I had a CI.

It took me some time to figure out why I would do this. I have never hid my hearing aids or been ashamed of them. At least tell that very moment I didn’t think so.

We all go through life wanting to be liked and accepted. Society has a standard of what is cool and what isn’t. Not once have I seen a model with a CI. Or a commercial with someone who is Deaf. I think maybe because I could get by as hearing before all of this is what is effecting me. Before the big hearing loss of 2015 I could get by as a hearing person. No one knew I had bilateral hearing aids.

Since then it has been more challenging. Now more than ever I have needed help re learning how to hear. This is different. I never meant to hide my CI but deep down I think I did. I dont want people to look at me different. I dont want people to freak out because I have a magnet on my head. You would think that after 32 years you would get over this fear of wanting to be accepted.

My goal for this year was to move forward and face my fears. Today I am facing my fears and showing off my CI. No more hiding in fear. Maybe I can help a young girl who has a CI be more confident, maybe I can help a parent that has a child with a CI know it will be ok, maybe I can spark a conversation with a stranger who is genuinely curious. Hiding prevents opportunities from finding you.

Be Brave.

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It is always impossible until it is done. – Nelson Mandela

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I did it.

I got Cochlear Implant Surgery.

It is officially the path I am taking right now. There is no turning back.

You would think that this would be the end of my stress. You would think the hard part/decision is over. But it is just beginning.

I severely underestimated the down time I would need for this surgery. The day after surgery I was up and about. I walked the dogs, I went grocery shopping. Sure I had minor pressure and pain but nothing to stay home about. However, the third day I was rocked. Dizzy spells, numb metallic tongue, mad sinus pressure headaches. All which are getting better but not gone yet, 5 days later.

The  real struggle is my mind. I keep thinking that this is going to be permanent. I keep thinking I will have this metallic taste in my mouth forever. Which could be a possibility. I keep freaking out about this being my new normal. However, I am only 5 days out of surgery where they implanted a foreign object into my skull.  My body is like WTF and it is  trying to protect itself. Knowing this, I still keep going down the wrong path mentally.

I cannot control if they hit my nerve while in surgery, I cannot physically change the outcome of this issue. I cannot control how my body is reacting to this foreign object. The only thing I have control over is my mind, and I am struggling to get that right.

I keep going between the two extremes, completely over the top positive and optimistic (almost unrealistic), to end of my world dramatic negative. My in between is closer to the the negative side. I keep listening to podcast on how to control the mind and training the mind to get through things. None are sticking. David Goggins says to write it out until you understand it, then don’t go back down the path of not knowing. Total hard ass, just do it attitude. This works for about 10 min. Another author says to recognize the worry for what it is, dont be afraid of the facts, and have confidence that it will get better. Way to sugar coated to be effective in my case. I am terrified of the facts.

Then I opened my inspirational Quote of the day email and it said this ” The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible” – Arthur C. Clarke.

“It is always impossible until it is done” – Nelson Mandela

For what ever reason, these quotes are giving me the push to be positive. These quotes, these unspecific, vague, optimistic quotes, are giving me hope. I am a free spirit, it is hard for me to be bogged down by facts. I need the option to overcome facts, I need to believe that even though it may not have happened before, it could happen to me.

When I was writing down what I wanted (per David Goggins) I wrote this

“I am going to be in the 70%. I am being healed 100%. My hearing is intact and all of my nerves are healing and functioning properly. ”

This is my miracle. This is my possible. This is what is going to happen. It is going to happen because I am choosing for it to happen. I am at the point in my mind where it is becoming debilitatingly negative. This is the time that I need to push past that governor (like in a car) in my mind, and keep going. I need to dream big. I need to believe it is happening. I need to know that it COULD happen. What if it does get better attitude.

You never know until you try, and to try completely you have to believe.

Wish me luck.

Stop – Look – Listen

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In light of the New Year, I want to talk about resolutions. Not the same old ” I am going to loose weight”, “I am going save money”, resolutions. I am talking about the life changing resolutions. The HOLY SHIT resolutions.

Life sucks. It is hard. None of us come out alive. So why do we go through ever year saying ” I will start Monday” or “Maybe next year”. If I have learned anything this year it is that tomorrow is not promised.

Do it all today.

When my boyfriend asked me what my resolution was for this year I told him that I want to do more things that scare me. When I got my motorcycle license in 2010 I was terrified. Everyone told me I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t coordinated enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I did it though. I have my licence and it was the most liberating experience of my life so far. I want more of these moments. I want more of these smiles. I want more of this confidence.  It was contagious. It was exhilarating. It was the best high of my life.

We are responsible for all of our life choices, and because of those choices we are where we are. I am not where I want to be because I have not taken any risks. I have not made any scary choices. I have not jumped off the deep end and tried something that scared me so much that I may just have to grow from it. I have played it safe.

I have learned that I am afraid. I am afraid of getting sick (like cancer sick), I am afraid of not making the right choice, I am afraid of what people will think of me. And I make my choices based on these feelings. These feelings of fear and uncertainty.  I look back on last year. All the suffering, all the medical bills, all the unknowns, all the debt. I see nothing but fear and disappointment. I dont want to look back next year, hell I dont want to look back at tomorrow and feel this way.

I am not going to make any more broken promises to myself. If I want it, I need to go after it. I am going to do things that scare me. Guess what? I am going to survive them with flying colors, just like I have survived the fear and sorrow. The difference is…. I am going to be better for it. I am going to smile, I am going to laugh, I am going to thrive.

 

Change the world one day at a time.

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“Stress is caused by being here but wanting to be there, or being in the present but wanting to be in the future. It is the split that tears you apart inside.” – Eckhart Tolle

Last night I sat down and realized how stressed I really was. I just got done with a killer work out and should have been relaxed and wiped out, but all I could feel was the tension in my neck and shoulders and the anxiety building in my throat. There was no reason for my body to be reacting this way. I worked out, I ate well, my job is not hard, I don’t have to pay rent, I have a loving boyfriend at home for me. Nothing major to be freaking out about.

When I got home I had to sit down and really think to get my self to calm down. Just then I realized (or decided to acknowledge) that I have been living my life worrying about the future. I believe this is #1 reason I am so stressed out. I want to buy a home, but don’t have the money. I want to get married, but I am afraid to make the wrong choice. I want to retire someday, but my job now does not offer 401K. I want my hearing to come back, but that may not happen. I want this bump on my arm taken off, but that cost money I don’t have. I want to get my dog his surgery, but that also cost money. All these things are in the future and I cannot do anything about them today.

Our bodies have a funny way of telling us when to just shut up and listen.

I ran across this quote about not mastering all of  your life in just one day late last night.  And I came to the realization (or decided to acknowledge) that I only have control of what is in front of me right now. I need to work on mastering today first. Once today is mastered, things may start falling into place. I then made a list of all the things I have been stressing about and what I have done to get them fixed.

  • I have been talking with a lender about buying a home (home buying is a lengthy process).
  • I am in love with my boyfriend that is all I need right now.
  • I am saving money by staying with my mom, that helps with saving for retirement.
  • Called the Vet regarding a possible payment plan for my pups surgery.
  • I made a Dr. appointment for my arm, that is step one in getting a cost for my surgery.
  • I am on meds for me hearing, and praying for a miracle.

WHAT MORE CAN I DO

I need to keep remembering this. I have done all I can do. I am in the process of getting these things done. I have a plan. Lets now focus on today. I keep looking at the big picture and I am missing all the fine little details. Its like going to Florence Italy and forgetting to go to see the Statue of David.  Yes you have been there but did you see all its glory. I am here today yes, but am I living in all its glory.

Lets master they day.

 

I know Why I am a Grinch…

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Let me start with what my ideal Christmas weekend would be. Sitting at home in my pajamas, drinking hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, playing games (or watching Christmas movies) with the people I love most. But most holidays involve running around to every family members party, trying to give them enough of my time before having to go to the next one. (Spoiler alert – this is a depressing post)

My sister came home this Christmas (today) and announced that she is pregnant. They have had a hard time getting pregnant so this is amazing news. I am so happy for them. They will be the buzz of the holiday party. Though I am immensely happy for them, I cannot help to feel jealous.

I have always been jealous of my sister. She has her masters, she has a great job, her husband owns the family business, they were given a home, they never have to worry about money, my family loves my brother in law, and now she is pregnant. I am also jealous of my brother he is an engineer and has a great job, makes a good living, has great friends, has a beautiful girl friend who he will probably marry, and he has a great brand new apartment home. Both are younger than me and doing very well.

Then there is me. I have my degree that I dont use, I have a boyfriend that no one likes, I am 30 years old and live with my mom, I have a job that took me back because my last adventure didn’t work, and I am angry.

I hate the holidays because I am surrounded by everything I dont have. Every house I go to I have to defend to my family why I am not as successful as my siblings. I have to slap a smile on my face and talk positively about the lessons I have learned and how I am going to succeed. I have to listen to my siblings talk about how wonderful everything is and how well they are doing. Everyone ask about my siblings and how they are doing, when will my sister get pregnant, and when my brother will get married. No one asks me when I am getting married. No one asks me about my job. No one asks me about my life because they know I dont have a good one. Why should I have to be at these functions. I know what people are going to say. I know how they make me feel. I am already getting anxiety about it.

I want to be successful. I want to love a man that my whole family loves. I want my family to ask me how I am doing and have a killer answer. I want to have something to say that will wow them. I want to stop being angry at my life. I want to have something positive to say.  I am the oldest. I should have all those things that my siblings have… but I dont, and I am upset about it.

I am depressed, and angry.

I am a Grinch.

 

Looking back on past unpublished posts and realizing you still feel this way….

Have you ever had days were you wonder how you got were you are. How you got to be who you are and why you let youself become it. This is me everyday but for the sake of time we will focus on just today. I tend to find myself wondering to the past wondering if I should have made a different choice. How it would effect my life and who I have become.

The problem with the past is that it is in the past. You cannot change it. It is already imprinted in history. So there is no use going back and dwelling on it. Though I know this I still find myself back there. Maybe it is easier to look back there because I dont have any choices to make, or it is easy to find the mistake once you have made it. but I want to change my future. I am too big for this place and I want the world to see.

My problem is I am afraid to make decisions. I couldnt decide a major in college. I couldnt decided what car I wanted to buy. I cannot decided a career. I am afraid to make the wrong choice. But today, just today, I noticed that because I have not been making choices my life is what it is. I have let my life become what it is.

I have the power to change it. I have the power to make a different choice. I have the power to DO something. I just need to choose. At this point anything is better that where I am at. So do I take the easy way and become a fitness instructor. (Which I love but not sure it is forever). Or do I jump on something crazy like becoming an Architect.

I feel like I wake up every day saying I wish things were different. Or I wish I had this. Or I wish I could do that. Well I can. I can do things I just need to make a decision to do them.

We have this amazing power in us and I am not using it. I preach about it all the time and I just sit around and wait for something to come to me. I am afraid to do the work. I am afraid to DO anything. I dont know if I am afraid of failing or if I am afraid of being wrong.

But it has to stop. I cannot be this depressing little girl any more. I am a women. I am a beautiful, stunning, attractive woman that is smart. I know I can do all things! I just need to Choose.

 

Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? ~Danielle LaPorte

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I came across this quote the other day and I cannot stop thinking about it. I have never really thought that I was a person that let the opinions of others direct my life. However, the more I thought about, the more I realized that it is all I do.

My mom and I fight all the time. She accuses me of things I don’t do all the time. Naturally I get very offended because all I do is try to please her. I will never be good enough in her eyes. My dad hates my boyfriend (because he reminds him of him at his age) and it hurts me to the core that I cannot show him how great he is. My sister is perfect and has a great job, a home, a husband who makes a ton of money. My brother is an engineer, and all I do is compare myself and my life to theirs.

This is part of the reason I wanted to move to New York. To find me. Not be judged. That didn’t work out the way we planned, but we learned may other things.

If I stop blaming my mother, father, and my successful siblings, and really think about this question I found an answer.

Before I was what the world made me, I was an artist. I was creative. I loved to paint, and build. I loved putting things together and making things. I wanted to be an Architect.

Why did that change?

Mom told me that artist didn’t make much money. Dad said all the money was in real estate. Society said artist are hippies and broke. People said being a architect is hard.

So I stopped. I did everything but what I wanted to do. I had 5 majors in college. I am not doing anything with my actual major. I have gone back to school twice for two different degrees and have not finished them. Why? Because it got hard. Because I had no support. Because I wanted to go out and do other things besides homework.

So what now?

Do I get back on track? Do I go become an architect? Do I finish those degrees I haven’t finished then go back to school.

Some people say you just know when you are doing what you are meant to do. I have always wondered how they “just know”. How do they go from being completely miserable in there every day life to just knowing what is the right path. How do they see past all the anger and annoyances. How do they get past all the bad moods and bad days. How do they know when to jump ship.

I guess that is why it is called faith.

You don’t know.

You just try, and try again, tell you find it.

Well…That sucks.