Looking back on past unpublished posts and realizing you still feel this way….

Have you ever had days were you wonder how you got were you are. How you got to be who you are and why you let youself become it. This is me everyday but for the sake of time we will focus on just today. I tend to find myself wondering to the past wondering if I should have made a different choice. How it would effect my life and who I have become.

The problem with the past is that it is in the past. You cannot change it. It is already imprinted in history. So there is no use going back and dwelling on it. Though I know this I still find myself back there. Maybe it is easier to look back there because I dont have any choices to make, or it is easy to find the mistake once you have made it. but I want to change my future. I am too big for this place and I want the world to see.

My problem is I am afraid to make decisions. I couldnt decide a major in college. I couldnt decided what car I wanted to buy. I cannot decided a career. I am afraid to make the wrong choice. But today, just today, I noticed that because I have not been making choices my life is what it is. I have let my life become what it is.

I have the power to change it. I have the power to make a different choice. I have the power to DO something. I just need to choose. At this point anything is better that where I am at. So do I take the easy way and become a fitness instructor. (Which I love but not sure it is forever). Or do I jump on something crazy like becoming an Architect.

I feel like I wake up every day saying I wish things were different. Or I wish I had this. Or I wish I could do that. Well I can. I can do things I just need to make a decision to do them.

We have this amazing power in us and I am not using it. I preach about it all the time and I just sit around and wait for something to come to me. I am afraid to do the work. I am afraid to DO anything. I dont know if I am afraid of failing or if I am afraid of being wrong.

But it has to stop. I cannot be this depressing little girl any more. I am a women. I am a beautiful, stunning, attractive woman that is smart. I know I can do all things! I just need to Choose.

 

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Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? ~Danielle LaPorte

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I came across this quote the other day and I cannot stop thinking about it. I have never really thought that I was a person that let the opinions of others direct my life. However, the more I thought about, the more I realized that it is all I do.

My mom and I fight all the time. She accuses me of things I don’t do all the time. Naturally I get very offended because all I do is try to please her. I will never be good enough in her eyes. My dad hates my boyfriend (because he reminds him of him at his age) and it hurts me to the core that I cannot show him how great he is. My sister is perfect and has a great job, a home, a husband who makes a ton of money. My brother is an engineer, and all I do is compare myself and my life to theirs.

This is part of the reason I wanted to move to New York. To find me. Not be judged. That didn’t work out the way we planned, but we learned may other things.

If I stop blaming my mother, father, and my successful siblings, and really think about this question I found an answer.

Before I was what the world made me, I was an artist. I was creative. I loved to paint, and build. I loved putting things together and making things. I wanted to be an Architect.

Why did that change?

Mom told me that artist didn’t make much money. Dad said all the money was in real estate. Society said artist are hippies and broke. People said being a architect is hard.

So I stopped. I did everything but what I wanted to do. I had 5 majors in college. I am not doing anything with my actual major. I have gone back to school twice for two different degrees and have not finished them. Why? Because it got hard. Because I had no support. Because I wanted to go out and do other things besides homework.

So what now?

Do I get back on track? Do I go become an architect? Do I finish those degrees I haven’t finished then go back to school.

Some people say you just know when you are doing what you are meant to do. I have always wondered how they “just know”. How do they go from being completely miserable in there every day life to just knowing what is the right path. How do they see past all the anger and annoyances. How do they get past all the bad moods and bad days. How do they know when to jump ship.

I guess that is why it is called faith.

You don’t know.

You just try, and try again, tell you find it.

Well…That sucks.

How to Let it Go to the Universe

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The Law of Attraction states that we need to Ask for what we want, Believe we have it, and then we will Receive it. They say to start small with a parking spot, or a cup of coffee. But what I want is more than that. I know I can have it. I truly believe that the universe can bring it to me. However, I need to be 100% in line to receive it. Staying in that frequency is not easy.

Every morning I wake up and my hearing is different. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. When it is worse it get nervous, angry, and frustrated. It dictates my attitude for that day. It is very hard to get me out of that mind set. I know that if I don’t change my mind set and get on that frequency the universe is not going to bring me what I want. Knowing this I get more frustrated at myself and it is a downhill spiral.

I am trying to utilize the visualization process. I visualize myself sitting in the hearing booth taking my test. The audiologist comes out and looks shocked. She gets the Dr and he re gives me the test. Shocked as well he comes in to tell me that my hearing is normal. Like 100% in the normal range. I try to feel how excited and emotionally overwhelmed I would be. I try and feel the relief, disbelief, amazement, and excitement I would feel. I have printed out a audio-gram, on that I want my hearing to look like. I look at it at work every day. I imagine the ear piercings I would get if I didnt have hearing aids. I believe this miracle can happen.

Every day that I wake up without hearing , I feel like I push myself farther and farther away from my miracle. I have a hard time asking, believing, and letting it go to the universe. You rely on your hearing every day. Because it causes so much frustration and struggle when you cannot hear, I am constantly reminded that the universe has not delivered my miracle to me.

I dont know the answer. I dont know how it will happen. Practice makes perfect I guess.

I will get my hearing back.

It is a big wish but size doesn’t matter to the universe.

Ask.

Believe.

Receive.

Somedays you need a Positive Reminder

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I was reading a blog from @thehappylife101 and she mentioned a quote from Joel Olsteen about the power of ” I AM”. Having just had a really negative day, I needed the reminder.

“What follows I AM comes looking for you.” The law of attraction says what you think you become. It also says, ask and you shall receive. I have been trying to get better at my thoughts, but I have forgotten that what I say has an even more powerful effect on the universe.

I come in to work with the most positive, go getter attitude. Once negativity hits, I do my best to turn it around. However, I come home and I let everything out. I vent and vent and vent and at the end I say “I cant do this. I am so over this. I am done.”

The universe hears this and gives me more reasons to feel this way. It gives me more validation that I am done. I do believe it is healthy to vent out your feelings, however, what is the point of venting if you don’t try and find a solution.

I am a problem solver. I should see these types of days as a opportunity to fix a problem. I should vent with the intent to try and fix it. Maybe I should use more positive words or find a positive motive in the situation. I don’t know. But it has to stop. The amount of negativity that comes out of my mouth at home, is nothing that I even want to be around.

Another thing Joel Olsteen said in his sermon was about the importance of not putting yourself down in front of someone who thinks you are his prize. If you are with someone, you are with them because you think they are everything you have ever dreamt of. You wouldn’t be with them if they weren’t the man or woman of your dreams. So why would you think any less of yourself. Why would you say “I am not beautiful” to the man who has chosen you as his bride. Why would you say “I am not successful” to the man who is your pride and joy, who you are lucky to have. Why would you say “I am not good enough” to the man who fought long and hard for your attention. It is not only degrading you, it is degrading them.

“I AM” is a powerful statement. Make it count. What you say you attract. Ask and you shall receive. I am blessed. I am successful. I am beautiful. I am healthy. I am wonderful. I am funny. I am young. I am strong. I am a big deal. I am a great friend. I am a great sister.

I am going to get better at this.

 

Wake up and Pay Attention

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“If you want to be somebody, if you want to go somewhere you better wake up and pay attention.” ~ Sister Act II

With the new year comes new resolutions, and new goals.  But how often do we really act on them. I was sitting at home on New Years thinking about what my resolution would be, when I realized that the ones I had for this year are the same ones I have had for a few years now. This was also during my month long temper tantrum to the dark side, so I had another beer and grumbled away. But a few weeks later my ex-boyfriends mother (who happens to be a financial planner) called me.

Now I know what you are thinking because I thought it too. It is my Ex Boyfriends MOTHER! I didnt want to offend or hurt my current boyfriend, and love of my life, by talking to her nor did I want to let her think that I still loved her son. But I new that she could help me. I new that no matter how ridiculous my dreams and goals were she would be the one to believe them. I blew it off for a few days, tossing the idea around with the boyfriend, talked about the lofty dreams we had for the year, and came to the conclusion that what we were doing wasnt working and we needed help.

It was a great decision. She is helping us dissect our finances and she believes in our goal no matter how lofty they seam. She is positive and confident, she had an unwavering faith. She also has the answers we have been looking for. Granted it is only Jan 16th, but I already feel better knowing that she is helping us get to where we want to go.

Is it hard? Yes. Is it embarrassing getting your finances dissected to the last penny? Yes. But now we are paying attention.

You dont realize how much you are not paying attention to tell someone points it out to you. Like ladies, how many of you know exactly when your period is going to come? I know I dont. But it comes at the same time every month so we should know. Or how many of you track something that happens to your body like a illness or stresser? How often do you write down what you need to get done for the day and do it? How many times does your budget fail and you dont know why?  All of these things are attainable, we just need to PAY ATTENTION!

Listen to your gut. Pay attention to how much you eat. Pay attention to how your body feels. Really look at your bank account. Watch your calorie intake. Track that weird thing that your arm does every once in a while. Make to do list and do them before sitting down.

The power to be great is at our finger tips. We just need to wake up and pay attention!

Why do we Fall?

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Photo: all_we_are_is_falling___detail_by_snikstencilstuff

I have spent the last few days binge watching a few of the movie series I have in my house. I started with Harry Potter (yes all 7 of them), the Matrix, then Batman (with Christian Bale). All movies with people who endure hardships, much worse than mine, and they never  give up. A few quotes from each movie really stuck with me.

We have both light and dark in us. It is what we choose to act on that determines who we really are. ~ Sirius Black

Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick our selves back up. ~Alfred

My last post was full of hate and negativity. I was in a place that I didn’t want to be in. I am still there, but my view of it has changed. I thought it would be easier to live in that negative world, I thought it would be easier to just not care. However, I quickly learned that it is not easier. It hurts more, you only find more to be upset about. You never really give up. You want to, oh do you want to. But there is something inside that fights you. Fights against everything you have. Believe it or not it makes it harder to be negative and hateful.

We all have choices. I chose to be on the dark side. However, I still have light in me. I still have a spark. I dont know what this spark is, but I have felt it. It is the only thing keeping me going. It is the real me I have been searching for. The reason for my existence and it is fighting to stay alive.

Why do we fall? We fall to find our spark. We fall and keep falling until we realize that we have much to live for. We have a purpose. It is that one thing that fights you when you want to give up. It is that choking feeling you get when you cry out in pain and anger. It is that gut feeling that even though it is dark something, just something is out there that is good. That hope that something will change.

I have noticed in all of these movies every main character has a crazy grandma (Moana), a crazy mentor (Morphous, Dumbledore), or a care taker (Alfred) that pushes them to be the best they can be. They push them to do that one crazy thing, hold onto that one glimmer of hope. They hold them up when all they can do is look down. After watching Moana I thought about who that would be for me. My family is crazy but my grandparents are very logical, my best friend is in the same boat as me, and I don’t really have a mentor. But I do have my Christopher. My Christopher, who has been my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my positive force of light. He has been everything for me. No matter what my mind set has been he has always been there.

I have not been that person for him. If things were turned and he was the one being negative I don’t know if I could have been as strong as him. But he is my light. He is my little spark. He is the reason that I am still going. Because of him I have not given up. He makes me smile, laugh, feel uncomfortable. He makes me do things I would never think of doing. I holds my hand when a Disney movie makes me cry. He is positive even when we are at rock bottom. I have to do this for him. Someday the tables may turn and I need to be strong for him.

I have to change I want to change. I had to fall to learn who believes in me. I had to fall to learn how to be a positive force. We all fall. It is how we choose to get up that makes up who we are.

Ask

Believe

Achieve

 

 

Whole Damn Fire

In my last post I wrote about how I was afraid of losing my spark. I was afraid that this job was killing me slowly. I was mindlessly surfing facebook when this post caught my attention.

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It was the sign I have been looking for. This may not be the job of my dreams but I cannot let it dull my fire! I cannot let it destroy me! I will not let it get me down! I am a warrior! I have passion and a fiery energy about me! I will not let others take this from me!

I am going into work today ready to conquer it ! I am ready to take on my task and be the best I can be. I am ready to ask questions, initiate meetings, and kick A**!

Some times you just need to stop and look around, the universe is giving you the signs you are asking for. You just need to be paying attention!