Let me start with what my ideal Christmas weekend would be. Sitting at home in my pajamas, drinking hot chocolate and peppermint schnapps, playing games (or watching Christmas movies) with the people I love most. But most holidays involve running around to every family members party, trying to give them enough of my time before having to go to the next one. (Spoiler alert – this is a depressing post)
My sister came home this Christmas (today) and announced that she is pregnant. They have had a hard time getting pregnant so this is amazing news. I am so happy for them. They will be the buzz of the holiday party. Though I am immensely happy for them, I cannot help to feel jealous.
I have always been jealous of my sister. She has her masters, she has a great job, her husband owns the family business, they were given a home, they never have to worry about money, my family loves my brother in law, and now she is pregnant. I am also jealous of my brother he is an engineer and has a great job, makes a good living, has great friends, has a beautiful girl friend who he will probably marry, and he has a great brand new apartment home. Both are younger than me and doing very well.
Then there is me. I have my degree that I dont use, I have a boyfriend that no one likes, I am 30 years old and live with my mom, I have a job that took me back because my last adventure didn’t work, and I am angry.
I hate the holidays because I am surrounded by everything I dont have. Every house I go to I have to defend to my family why I am not as successful as my siblings. I have to slap a smile on my face and talk positively about the lessons I have learned and how I am going to succeed. I have to listen to my siblings talk about how wonderful everything is and how well they are doing. Everyone ask about my siblings and how they are doing, when will my sister get pregnant, and when my brother will get married. No one asks me when I am getting married. No one asks me about my job. No one asks me about my life because they know I dont have a good one. Why should I have to be at these functions. I know what people are going to say. I know how they make me feel. I am already getting anxiety about it.
I want to be successful. I want to love a man that my whole family loves. I want my family to ask me how I am doing and have a killer answer. I want to have something to say that will wow them. I want to stop being angry at my life. I want to have something positive to say. I am the oldest. I should have all those things that my siblings have… but I dont, and I am upset about it.
I am depressed, and angry.
I am a Grinch.