Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? ~Danielle LaPorte

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I came across this quote the other day and I cannot stop thinking about it. I have never really thought that I was a person that let the opinions of others direct my life. However, the more I thought about, the more I realized that it is all I do.

My mom and I fight all the time. She accuses me of things I don’t do all the time. Naturally I get very offended because all I do is try to please her. I will never be good enough in her eyes. My dad hates my boyfriend (because he reminds him of him at his age) and it hurts me to the core that I cannot show him how great he is. My sister is perfect and has a great job, a home, a husband who makes a ton of money. My brother is an engineer, and all I do is compare myself and my life to theirs.

This is part of the reason I wanted to move to New York. To find me. Not be judged. That didn’t work out the way we planned, but we learned may other things.

If I stop blaming my mother, father, and my successful siblings, and really think about this question I found an answer.

Before I was what the world made me, I was an artist. I was creative. I loved to paint, and build. I loved putting things together and making things. I wanted to be an Architect.

Why did that change?

Mom told me that artist didn’t make much money. Dad said all the money was in real estate. Society said artist are hippies and broke. People said being a architect is hard.

So I stopped. I did everything but what I wanted to do. I had 5 majors in college. I am not doing anything with my actual major. I have gone back to school twice for two different degrees and have not finished them. Why? Because it got hard. Because I had no support. Because I wanted to go out and do other things besides homework.

So what now?

Do I get back on track? Do I go become an architect? Do I finish those degrees I haven’t finished then go back to school.

Some people say you just know when you are doing what you are meant to do. I have always wondered how they “just know”. How do they go from being completely miserable in there every day life to just knowing what is the right path. How do they see past all the anger and annoyances. How do they get past all the bad moods and bad days. How do they know when to jump ship.

I guess that is why it is called faith.

You don’t know.

You just try, and try again, tell you find it.

Well…That sucks.

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The Dark Side

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Today/Tonight is supposed to be a night filled with reflection and hope. A night filled with excitement and goal setting. But for me, for me it is a day I realized that I have fallen deeper into the hole I have been running from. I told myself a few months back that I wasn’t going to blog unless I had something positive to say. Well not a lot has changed and I have been very quite. I decided to stay quiet because I new no one would listen. No one wants to listen to someone be negative. I know I don’t want too. Well, I have officially fallen to the dark side and I am going to tell the world about it.

This time last year we were in a rough spot. I lost my hearing, I was on this awful medication, we were broke, but we had Hope. We had a flame full of hope and adventure. We were in a new place we had all these new things around us. New places, new jobs, new beginnings. I had $12000 in the bank, a great credit score, and all the faith in the world that everything would be ok.

Today, I woke up to more overdraft fee charges, $60 in the bank, and shitty credit. We cannot pay rent, we cannot pay our car payments, nor our credit card bills. We need milk and dog food. I have a job I took for the money, that I HATE. And everyone on social media is reflecting on the wonderful things they are grateful for and have hope for the next year.

This is when I realized my flame has gone out. I have no hope left. My optimism, the very thing I pride myself on having no matter the situation, is gone. I have nothing left to give. I have thought throughout this year I have hit rock bottom a few times, only to have life hit me in the face and say “Ha the hole goes deeper!”. I have been tested. I have been tried. I have failed.

I have recently watched The Return of the Guardians a Dreamwork film with Jack Frost, Santa, the Easter Bunny, and such. They talk about finding your center. Finding what makes you a guardian. What really makes you you. I have wanted to know this for a long time. I have asked for help in finding this. My Family thinks I am crazy and need to be patient, my calling will come. Friends don’t know what to say. Strangers don’t listen, I mean, ¬†who really wants to listen to someone bitch about how shitty their life is. I have followed great minds that I admire like Oprah, Ellen, J.K. Rowlings, Tony Robbins, Law of Attraction, Positive quotes, hoping, no searching for a clue or an way to find an answer. They all say the same thing. Find that one thing that you cant go without, that one thing that makes you happy and you would do for free. Then do it.

My problem is, I don’t know what that is for me.

I dont know how to find that answer. I dont know what I love to do. I love a lot of things. Some of which I would have to go back to school for. Some I would need experience to get into. But none that make me so nervous that I smile at that thought of it. I love traveling. I would love to travel all over the world. See everything. Eat everything. Experience everything. How do I find a job to help me do this? Even if I found a job that allowed me to do this, how do I pay the bills when I am so far in a hole.

I know J.K. Rowlings was older when she hit her fame, same with Ellen and Oprah. But I am at a point where the dark side is taking over. I have lost all hope. I am becoming the Sith lord I was sworn to protect myself against. My boyfriend is a true Jedi. Always hopeful. However the difference between him and I is that he is ok with were we are. I am not. I want out of here, I don’t ever want to be here again. He wants out to but not to the same extent. He is ok with what we have and happy with our family. I want more I know we are better than this. I am in the part of my story where I am talking with the enemy realizing his plan is not so bad. I will be 30 in march and have nothing to show for it.

I am not married, no kids, no home, no career. I have a boyfriend that my whole family hates, I am over weight, broke and unhappy. Now these things in themselves are not bad things but I want my family to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me.

I know that this is the problem. I know I care about how people view me. I shouldn’t but I dont blame them. If I saw me as a TV character, I would judge me as well. I want to travel. I what good credit so I can buy a home. I want a savings account so I can get married, and travel. I want to start a family. I want to have a career I love. Why is it so hard!

I have dreams. Big Dreams. But no Idea how to get them. No Idea how to find my dream job, to pay my bills and pay for my desire to travel. I would love to go back to school. There is so much I would love to learn. I would love to allow my boyfriend to go back to school. He deserves it. He deserves to go to school and study to be an engineer. He deserves someone that loves him for him and doesn’t try to change him. My anger and lack of faith is causing a huge nail in our relationship.

My flame has gone out. I give up. I don’t know how to get out of this mess. The money I make at this job I hate is not enough to get us out of here. I cant do this any more. There is no one left to ask for help. No one left to listen. I have nothing left to give.

I have thought about writing Ellen, Rowlings or Oprah, but I am not looking for a hand out. I am looking for a place to get answers. I am looking for someone to say do this and they can help. Do I need a life coach? Do I need a Financial Planner? Do I need to go back to school? WHAT!?!?!

I just want to know.

I am so tired of trying so hard just to fail.

I have lost the one virtue that I have prided myself on. Optimism. I am too tired. I am sick of trying for nothing.

30 years and nothing but scars to show for it. No home, no kids, no career, no ring. No travel stories. Nothing. Just scars and heart ache.

I am so much more than this.

Surely someone can see that.

Surely someone has an answer.

My Spark

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Photo credit: Drew Rosier Professional Illustrator

I have been in training for my new job for three weeks, and I have been in the job for a week. I am not giving up, however it has been a struggle. Lots of tears, not much support, and a huge amount of uncertainty. My biggest fear right now is that I am losing my spark.

I fear I am losing the one thing that makes me me. I flame is going out. I am so close to giving up. I am so close to just going back to live in my moms basement. I am so close. I cant even tell you what I enjoy doing any more.

I am scared that if I stay and “tough this out” I will lose myself completely. I am dancing with the line between a job being hard, and a job being destructive to my soul.

I moved here to find myself. Maybe you have to loose yourself before you can find out who you really are, but where is the line. When does it get better. I am sick of crying on my lunch and when I get home every day. I just want to be valued and be in a positive work environment, and make my bills in the mean time. Why is this so much to ask? Why cant I shake this?

“They” say that it gets hard before it gets better…. well it is too hard.

I am giving myself false motivation because it is better than no motivation.

I need help. I want a better job. I want to be me and enjoy life again. I want to be happy. I am sick of crying. I want to be adventurous and have time to do the things I love. I want to get married. I want my boyfriend to see the good side of me. I know it is not easy for him to see me sad all the time. I want to go home. I dont know what to do.

Do I quit. Do I move. Do I keep pushing. When do I realize that all these bad things that have happened are a sign that we shouldn’t be here. When do we realize that this was a bad choice. When do we give up. Why can I not get another job. Why cant I get the job I feel I deserve. Is it me am I not deserving. Do I need to go back to school. WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!

I am sick of guessing I NEED ANSWERS!

I need a direction.

I need a path.

I need a mentor.

I need help.

I need God to be more obvious. I need him to write me an email. I need him to put someone in my life that can push me in the right direction. I need something!

PLEASE

Questions

I have an opportunity to make more money. It would solve a lot of problems. I could pay my bills, pay rent, and afford Christmas presents. However, I would be working on Christmas, Thanksgiving, and all nights and weekends.

In my gut I know this is not what I want. But in my mind I keep seeing all the things I could afford to do and buy. Especially with the holidays around the corner. I want to be able to go apple picking, I want to be able to make crafts and sit by the fire, I want to be able to afford to get everyone a present. But to what expense.

I have a bad feeling about it. But I know it would help. It would allow me to save money. I wouldn’t live pay check to pay check. But my sanity would suffer. My dignity would be gone. I would have no pride in where I worked.

I would be doing it for the money.

Everyone tells you not to do that. Never do something just for the money. They also say listen to your gut. Well…..

What do I do?

Take the risk and make more money for a while or suffer tell I find a better opportunity?

I am having a panic attack thinking about it.

I have days where I can be positive and determined to make the most of the opportunity. But other days I cry because it is not what I want to do.

AHHH

Any advice would be greatly appreciated……

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