With the rain today I finally have come to a realization, I am depressed. I have finally lost all motivation to do the things I love. People are finally sick of me talking about being worthless. I dont want to get up in the morning. I cant pretend any more. I am depressed.
I was reading a article today about Kristen Bell, and how she struggled with Depression. A successful, rich, beautiful woman is depressed. She seems to have all the things that I feel I am depressed about. Yet she is still depressed. She mentioned how depression is about your self worth. How you feel about yourself. I keeps saying if I had money my problems would go away, or if I would just loose weight I would feel better, or if I new what I wanted to do with my life I would be happy. Kristen made me realize that it has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with how I feel about me.
My boyfriend got an amazing job opportunity a few weeks ago. He is so excited about it. He deserves it. He works hard, he is always positive, he never complains. He totally deserves ever dollar, and opportunity he is getting. I am excited for him too. I am so happy for him. Our financial situation will be better too. But in my head I am saying “why not me?When is my break? Am I not a good person? Do people not want me? ”
I know I shouldn’t think this way, but I do. He has 10 plus years in his field. He is very skilled. I have skills too…. just not specialized like his. I cant even talk about it to him any more. I cant even pretend to be happy, and I can tell it is getting to him. Our relationship is fine, our intimacy is not. Our conversations are stale. He still loves me, but he is stressed too. With the rain and thunder today, I have decided to make list, to make a change.
I have to change. I dont want to be here. I need to change my state of mind. I need to keep busy so I dont focus on the negatives. I have a ton of stuff I “could” do but dont because I dont feel like it. But today is different. I HAVE to. Just like the rain HAS to come and be dark, the only difference is that the rain passes. It is time to make this pass. I am going to do so with lists.
Here is my list for today:
- Write a Blog
- Take a Photo
- Take the dogs for a walk
- Put the laundry away
- Clean the bathroom
- find trivia quizes for your down time at work
- meditate for 10 min tonight
- Dont look at your phone after 7 tonight
Seems like normal routine stuff, but I haven’t done any of it in weeks. My laundry is still in the dryer, my bathroom is filthy (and I live with a boy and two dogs), I never make time for myself, it has gotten bad. I need to make a goal to do my lists. I do well with lists. Writing things down and crossing them off works for me. I just need to do it. I dont want to go on medication. I cannot afford to talk to anyone. I need to do this for me.
I got this. List = change. One day at a time. That is all I have control over. By having lists I am trying to focus on the now. Not stressing over the future, or why I dont know what I want to do, or my relationship. I am focused on now and what I can do. All simple tasks. But when I complete them, at the end of the day I can say ” I did it “.
That in its self is an accomplishment.