Tag: fear

No More Hiding

Today I didn’t try to hide my processor.

Though I have not intentionally hiding it, I have been tucking it under my hair when ever possible.

When I got done at the gym today, I re did my hair and was getting frustrated with it. I finally put it on top of my hair and continued to get ready. It was not until that moment that I realized that I was indeed “hiding” the fact that I had a CI.

It took me some time to figure out why I would do this. I have never hid my hearing aids or been ashamed of them. At least tell that very moment I didn’t think so.

We all go through life wanting to be liked and accepted. Society has a standard of what is cool and what isn’t. Not once have I seen a model with a CI. Or a commercial with someone who is Deaf. I think maybe because I could get by as hearing before all of this is what is effecting me. Before the big hearing loss of 2015 I could get by as a hearing person. No one knew I had bilateral hearing aids.

Since then it has been more challenging. Now more than ever I have needed help re learning how to hear. This is different. I never meant to hide my CI but deep down I think I did. I dont want people to look at me different. I dont want people to freak out because I have a magnet on my head. You would think that after 32 years you would get over this fear of wanting to be accepted.

My goal for this year was to move forward and face my fears. Today I am facing my fears and showing off my CI. No more hiding in fear. Maybe I can help a young girl who has a CI be more confident, maybe I can help a parent that has a child with a CI know it will be ok, maybe I can spark a conversation with a stranger who is genuinely curious. Hiding prevents opportunities from finding you.

Be Brave.

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It is always impossible until it is done. – Nelson Mandela

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I did it.

I got Cochlear Implant Surgery.

It is officially the path I am taking right now. There is no turning back.

You would think that this would be the end of my stress. You would think the hard part/decision is over. But it is just beginning.

I severely underestimated the down time I would need for this surgery. The day after surgery I was up and about. I walked the dogs, I went grocery shopping. Sure I had minor pressure and pain but nothing to stay home about. However, the third day I was rocked. Dizzy spells, numb metallic tongue, mad sinus pressure headaches. All which are getting better but not gone yet, 5 days later.

The  real struggle is my mind. I keep thinking that this is going to be permanent. I keep thinking I will have this metallic taste in my mouth forever. Which could be a possibility. I keep freaking out about this being my new normal. However, I am only 5 days out of surgery where they implanted a foreign object into my skull.  My body is like WTF and it is  trying to protect itself. Knowing this, I still keep going down the wrong path mentally.

I cannot control if they hit my nerve while in surgery, I cannot physically change the outcome of this issue. I cannot control how my body is reacting to this foreign object. The only thing I have control over is my mind, and I am struggling to get that right.

I keep going between the two extremes, completely over the top positive and optimistic (almost unrealistic), to end of my world dramatic negative. My in between is closer to the the negative side. I keep listening to podcast on how to control the mind and training the mind to get through things. None are sticking. David Goggins says to write it out until you understand it, then don’t go back down the path of not knowing. Total hard ass, just do it attitude. This works for about 10 min. Another author says to recognize the worry for what it is, dont be afraid of the facts, and have confidence that it will get better. Way to sugar coated to be effective in my case. I am terrified of the facts.

Then I opened my inspirational Quote of the day email and it said this ” The only way of finding the limits of the possible is by going beyond them into the impossible” – Arthur C. Clarke.

“It is always impossible until it is done” – Nelson Mandela

For what ever reason, these quotes are giving me the push to be positive. These quotes, these unspecific, vague, optimistic quotes, are giving me hope. I am a free spirit, it is hard for me to be bogged down by facts. I need the option to overcome facts, I need to believe that even though it may not have happened before, it could happen to me.

When I was writing down what I wanted (per David Goggins) I wrote this

“I am going to be in the 70%. I am being healed 100%. My hearing is intact and all of my nerves are healing and functioning properly. ”

This is my miracle. This is my possible. This is what is going to happen. It is going to happen because I am choosing for it to happen. I am at the point in my mind where it is becoming debilitatingly negative. This is the time that I need to push past that governor (like in a car) in my mind, and keep going. I need to dream big. I need to believe it is happening. I need to know that it COULD happen. What if it does get better attitude.

You never know until you try, and to try completely you have to believe.

Wish me luck.

My Hearing Journey

Though it has been a long time coming, I have decided to get a cochlear implant. After my sudden hearing loss that started me on my word press journey, my hearing has not gotten better. I have found myself not doing the things I used to do (dancing, concerts, bars, movies) because I know I wont be able to hear. I have a fear of missing some important information.  I am not as confident any more because I don’t know what I will miss. I am afraid of what people will think if I say “what” more than once. It is silly. I have been hearing impaired my whole life, you think I would be used to this criticism.

I am really scared to do this but know this is the next step. During my last hearing test my audiologist told me that I only get 30% of single word repetition correct and 50% of sentence repetition correct. Yes your read that right. I rely heavily on context and lip reading. With a cochlear she feels I will be able to get 70-80% in both categories.

Thats the pro.

The cons are, the sound is digital, and it is a permanent procedure. The #1 reason I have never wanted a cochlear implant is the replacement of the analog sound, that you and I know, to digital. The friends I know who have a cochlear implant say that people sound like mini mouse and it is very robotic at first.  This is not a big selling point for me, they really need to work on their advertising. The close second reason is, that it is not a reversible procedure. If I do this and don’t like it, there is no going back.

They say that your brain is an amazing organ that will convert the digital hearing from the cochlear, to the analog hearing I remember things to sound like. Because I have had so much hearing in my life, the transfer in my brain should be fairly quick (3-6 months). It is not an easy 3-6 months but most things should sound normal by then.

I am having a hard time because everyone that is telling me that this is how it works, are hearing people. People who have not experienced a cochlear implant personally. My friends that have cochlear implants now, never really had good hearing in the first place. They dont know what they missed, just what they gained.

I am trying to be optimistic. I know this will help me conquer so many fears and open so many doors. However, I need to get my mind right in order to get the full benefit of this. I need to be able to believe it will be what I want it to be.

The more I read this over the more I see fear and excuses. I feel they are valid fears and valid excuses, however, if I am going to get the full benifit of this…. I need to get my mind right.

Cheers to the Journey.

 

 

Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? ~Danielle LaPorte

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I came across this quote the other day and I cannot stop thinking about it. I have never really thought that I was a person that let the opinions of others direct my life. However, the more I thought about, the more I realized that it is all I do.

My mom and I fight all the time. She accuses me of things I don’t do all the time. Naturally I get very offended because all I do is try to please her. I will never be good enough in her eyes. My dad hates my boyfriend (because he reminds him of him at his age) and it hurts me to the core that I cannot show him how great he is. My sister is perfect and has a great job, a home, a husband who makes a ton of money. My brother is an engineer, and all I do is compare myself and my life to theirs.

This is part of the reason I wanted to move to New York. To find me. Not be judged. That didn’t work out the way we planned, but we learned may other things.

If I stop blaming my mother, father, and my successful siblings, and really think about this question I found an answer.

Before I was what the world made me, I was an artist. I was creative. I loved to paint, and build. I loved putting things together and making things. I wanted to be an Architect.

Why did that change?

Mom told me that artist didn’t make much money. Dad said all the money was in real estate. Society said artist are hippies and broke. People said being a architect is hard.

So I stopped. I did everything but what I wanted to do. I had 5 majors in college. I am not doing anything with my actual major. I have gone back to school twice for two different degrees and have not finished them. Why? Because it got hard. Because I had no support. Because I wanted to go out and do other things besides homework.

So what now?

Do I get back on track? Do I go become an architect? Do I finish those degrees I haven’t finished then go back to school.

Some people say you just know when you are doing what you are meant to do. I have always wondered how they “just know”. How do they go from being completely miserable in there every day life to just knowing what is the right path. How do they see past all the anger and annoyances. How do they get past all the bad moods and bad days. How do they know when to jump ship.

I guess that is why it is called faith.

You don’t know.

You just try, and try again, tell you find it.

Well…That sucks.

The Dark Side

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Today/Tonight is supposed to be a night filled with reflection and hope. A night filled with excitement and goal setting. But for me, for me it is a day I realized that I have fallen deeper into the hole I have been running from. I told myself a few months back that I wasn’t going to blog unless I had something positive to say. Well not a lot has changed and I have been very quite. I decided to stay quiet because I new no one would listen. No one wants to listen to someone be negative. I know I don’t want too. Well, I have officially fallen to the dark side and I am going to tell the world about it.

This time last year we were in a rough spot. I lost my hearing, I was on this awful medication, we were broke, but we had Hope. We had a flame full of hope and adventure. We were in a new place we had all these new things around us. New places, new jobs, new beginnings. I had $12000 in the bank, a great credit score, and all the faith in the world that everything would be ok.

Today, I woke up to more overdraft fee charges, $60 in the bank, and shitty credit. We cannot pay rent, we cannot pay our car payments, nor our credit card bills. We need milk and dog food. I have a job I took for the money, that I HATE. And everyone on social media is reflecting on the wonderful things they are grateful for and have hope for the next year.

This is when I realized my flame has gone out. I have no hope left. My optimism, the very thing I pride myself on having no matter the situation, is gone. I have nothing left to give. I have thought throughout this year I have hit rock bottom a few times, only to have life hit me in the face and say “Ha the hole goes deeper!”. I have been tested. I have been tried. I have failed.

I have recently watched The Return of the Guardians a Dreamwork film with Jack Frost, Santa, the Easter Bunny, and such. They talk about finding your center. Finding what makes you a guardian. What really makes you you. I have wanted to know this for a long time. I have asked for help in finding this. My Family thinks I am crazy and need to be patient, my calling will come. Friends don’t know what to say. Strangers don’t listen, I mean,  who really wants to listen to someone bitch about how shitty their life is. I have followed great minds that I admire like Oprah, Ellen, J.K. Rowlings, Tony Robbins, Law of Attraction, Positive quotes, hoping, no searching for a clue or an way to find an answer. They all say the same thing. Find that one thing that you cant go without, that one thing that makes you happy and you would do for free. Then do it.

My problem is, I don’t know what that is for me.

I dont know how to find that answer. I dont know what I love to do. I love a lot of things. Some of which I would have to go back to school for. Some I would need experience to get into. But none that make me so nervous that I smile at that thought of it. I love traveling. I would love to travel all over the world. See everything. Eat everything. Experience everything. How do I find a job to help me do this? Even if I found a job that allowed me to do this, how do I pay the bills when I am so far in a hole.

I know J.K. Rowlings was older when she hit her fame, same with Ellen and Oprah. But I am at a point where the dark side is taking over. I have lost all hope. I am becoming the Sith lord I was sworn to protect myself against. My boyfriend is a true Jedi. Always hopeful. However the difference between him and I is that he is ok with were we are. I am not. I want out of here, I don’t ever want to be here again. He wants out to but not to the same extent. He is ok with what we have and happy with our family. I want more I know we are better than this. I am in the part of my story where I am talking with the enemy realizing his plan is not so bad. I will be 30 in march and have nothing to show for it.

I am not married, no kids, no home, no career. I have a boyfriend that my whole family hates, I am over weight, broke and unhappy. Now these things in themselves are not bad things but I want my family to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me.

I know that this is the problem. I know I care about how people view me. I shouldn’t but I dont blame them. If I saw me as a TV character, I would judge me as well. I want to travel. I what good credit so I can buy a home. I want a savings account so I can get married, and travel. I want to start a family. I want to have a career I love. Why is it so hard!

I have dreams. Big Dreams. But no Idea how to get them. No Idea how to find my dream job, to pay my bills and pay for my desire to travel. I would love to go back to school. There is so much I would love to learn. I would love to allow my boyfriend to go back to school. He deserves it. He deserves to go to school and study to be an engineer. He deserves someone that loves him for him and doesn’t try to change him. My anger and lack of faith is causing a huge nail in our relationship.

My flame has gone out. I give up. I don’t know how to get out of this mess. The money I make at this job I hate is not enough to get us out of here. I cant do this any more. There is no one left to ask for help. No one left to listen. I have nothing left to give.

I have thought about writing Ellen, Rowlings or Oprah, but I am not looking for a hand out. I am looking for a place to get answers. I am looking for someone to say do this and they can help. Do I need a life coach? Do I need a Financial Planner? Do I need to go back to school? WHAT!?!?!

I just want to know.

I am so tired of trying so hard just to fail.

I have lost the one virtue that I have prided myself on. Optimism. I am too tired. I am sick of trying for nothing.

30 years and nothing but scars to show for it. No home, no kids, no career, no ring. No travel stories. Nothing. Just scars and heart ache.

I am so much more than this.

Surely someone can see that.

Surely someone has an answer.

My Spark

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Photo credit: Drew Rosier Professional Illustrator

I have been in training for my new job for three weeks, and I have been in the job for a week. I am not giving up, however it has been a struggle. Lots of tears, not much support, and a huge amount of uncertainty. My biggest fear right now is that I am losing my spark.

I fear I am losing the one thing that makes me me. I flame is going out. I am so close to giving up. I am so close to just going back to live in my moms basement. I am so close. I cant even tell you what I enjoy doing any more.

I am scared that if I stay and “tough this out” I will lose myself completely. I am dancing with the line between a job being hard, and a job being destructive to my soul.

I moved here to find myself. Maybe you have to loose yourself before you can find out who you really are, but where is the line. When does it get better. I am sick of crying on my lunch and when I get home every day. I just want to be valued and be in a positive work environment, and make my bills in the mean time. Why is this so much to ask? Why cant I shake this?

“They” say that it gets hard before it gets better…. well it is too hard.

I am giving myself false motivation because it is better than no motivation.

I need help. I want a better job. I want to be me and enjoy life again. I want to be happy. I am sick of crying. I want to be adventurous and have time to do the things I love. I want to get married. I want my boyfriend to see the good side of me. I know it is not easy for him to see me sad all the time. I want to go home. I dont know what to do.

Do I quit. Do I move. Do I keep pushing. When do I realize that all these bad things that have happened are a sign that we shouldn’t be here. When do we realize that this was a bad choice. When do we give up. Why can I not get another job. Why cant I get the job I feel I deserve. Is it me am I not deserving. Do I need to go back to school. WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!

I am sick of guessing I NEED ANSWERS!

I need a direction.

I need a path.

I need a mentor.

I need help.

I need God to be more obvious. I need him to write me an email. I need him to put someone in my life that can push me in the right direction. I need something!

PLEASE

My New Adventure

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I am sitting here in a hotel room waiting for my roommate (who I have never met) who will be joining me for training for my new job this week. I am scared, nervous, anxious, excited, and worried all at the same time. This is my new adventure. This is my new start. This is a new beginning.

I know I am going to be great at it. I know I am going to excel beyond expectations. I know I am going to shine. I am not worried about any of those things. I am worried about liking the job. I am worried that I wont love it. I am worried I will have to start again. I am worried that all this time will be for nothing.

But I keep telling myself, you never know tell you try, you never know who you will meet, and you never know what opportunities will come from it. They say that if it scares you, you should probably do it. Well, here I am. Lets see what this is all about.

I think my biggest fear is disappointment. I hope that this job is challenging, exciting, rewarding, and they promote often. I hope that I love this job. I dont want to get into another job and master it in three months just to be back to square one of looking for another job. I dont want to be disappointed in myself again.

I want to thrive. I want to look my best. I want to be proud of the job I have and be proud to tell people about it. I want to feel good about what I do.

This adventure is about me. My goal is to go into it with a level head, clear mind, and positive energy. I will do my best at everything I do, and even try to do better. I need to set goals every day and achieve them. I can do this. This is a new beginning. Nothing is standing in my way.

Tomorrow I am going to get there early, look sharp, and be in the moment. I wont let my mind go astray. I will focus on the task at hand and look forward to the rewards at the end. I can do this. I am doing this for the opportunities it will bring to my life. Both financially and for my career.

I pray the universe gives me a sign letting me know I am in the right spot and on the right track. I am so afraid that I am making a wrong choice. I know it is a good one logically. I know it is a good one financially. I know it can offer a lot for me career wise. I just hope that it is in line with my purpose or gets me closer to it.

I have faith. I believe that everything happens for a reason.

Wish me luck!

Fear Is Powerful

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I just had a wonderful follower of mine comment on my resent post, and it really shook me awake. I am so grateful for the comment because they were right. I was stuck in a  negative spot and couldn’t see anything but bad things. I was so afraid that all these things could happen that I forgot to see the flip side of the coin.

Fear is a powerful emotion. It can suck you into deep places and blind you from ever venturing out into the light. I have some of my best memories from overcoming fear. I was terrified to ride a motorcycle, but I got my license and now I am a Harley riding bad ass. I over came my fear of heights and climbed up to a fire watch tower (on these stairs that go over a cliff) and saw the best view of Colorado I have ever seen in my life. Sadly, fear was consuming me yesterday.

All I could see was the bad things that could happen. I had my blinders on and was not looking anywhere but. Yes all these things could happen, but so could a ton of positive things.

This could be an opportunity for me to get out of debt. This could be an opportunity for me to shine and have someone see. Maybe even have someone offer me something bigger and better. This is an opportunity to grow and change. It would provide me and opportunity to maybe move back home. My grateful follower also mentioned that this isn’t forever. I can always quit. I can always find something else. Is is scary? Sure, but nothing is scarier that staying somewhere you don’t belong.

I need to change my thinking. I have been negative for so long it is now my go-to process. I need to change that. I need to rewire my brain to think positive again. This wont be a quick fix but it will be worth it. I am going to write this on my list of things to do. Overcome fear. Do something I am afraid of every day. ….

Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here through my journey. Thank you for encouraging me to be the best I can be.

Faith.

List.

Change.

Boom.

The power of HOPE

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Isn’t the Olympics supposed to be about unity. Aren’t they supposed to be about bringing together great men and women from every nation, and competing on a even playing field. It is  supposed to be a chance for talented people to get together learn each others cultures, techniques, and languages. It should be a time for admiration, encouragement, and growth. But with all the doping accusations going on that dream has died.

My life is hard but I still believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I still believe that life is more than this struggle. The Olympics should be a vision of that hope. Those athletes should be the example of what hard work and dedication is. It should be the vision of what we can accomplish with a little hard work.

Now it is like the Hunger Games, the only difference are there are three victors, and no one dies. It is everyone against them selves. No unity, no hope.

I know not all the athletes are doping, and they are cracking down on the issue, however it still doesnt sit right for those of us who watch it with hope. Dont get me wrong, I am amazed at what some of those athletes can do! They can do things I have only dreamed of doing. Yet they have yet to realize how much power they have being who they are. They need to use that power for good. They are the ones that need to make the world great again and give us hope. Not these presidential nominees. Everyone watches the Olympics. Like the Hunger Games they are broadcast ed everywhere. Everyone is cheering for their district, sorry, their Country.

In this world we are acting on fear. We need to start acting on hope. We need a Katness Everdine to show us that we can do this and we can overcome fear.

“Hope is the only thing stronger than Fear.” ~ President Snow

These athletes have the power to bring us this hope. They have the power to show us that we can be great again. They have the power to unify us as a nation.

Every day in the news it is another sad story about how we are against each other. There is death, corruption, and anger everywhere. We all want the same thing. We all want to live in harmony among each. We can achieve this without cheating.

We should always be able to hope.

We should always be able to dream.

We should be able to fix this.

It starts with us.