Looking back on past unpublished posts and realizing you still feel this way….

Have you ever had days were you wonder how you got were you are. How you got to be who you are and why you let youself become it. This is me everyday but for the sake of time we will focus on just today. I tend to find myself wondering to the past wondering if I should have made a different choice. How it would effect my life and who I have become.

The problem with the past is that it is in the past. You cannot change it. It is already imprinted in history. So there is no use going back and dwelling on it. Though I know this I still find myself back there. Maybe it is easier to look back there because I dont have any choices to make, or it is easy to find the mistake once you have made it. but I want to change my future. I am too big for this place and I want the world to see.

My problem is I am afraid to make decisions. I couldnt decide a major in college. I couldnt decided what car I wanted to buy. I cannot decided a career. I am afraid to make the wrong choice. But today, just today, I noticed that because I have not been making choices my life is what it is. I have let my life become what it is.

I have the power to change it. I have the power to make a different choice. I have the power to DO something. I just need to choose. At this point anything is better that where I am at. So do I take the easy way and become a fitness instructor. (Which I love but not sure it is forever). Or do I jump on something crazy like becoming an Architect.

I feel like I wake up every day saying I wish things were different. Or I wish I had this. Or I wish I could do that. Well I can. I can do things I just need to make a decision to do them.

We have this amazing power in us and I am not using it. I preach about it all the time and I just sit around and wait for something to come to me. I am afraid to do the work. I am afraid to DO anything. I dont know if I am afraid of failing or if I am afraid of being wrong.

But it has to stop. I cannot be this depressing little girl any more. I am a women. I am a beautiful, stunning, attractive woman that is smart. I know I can do all things! I just need to Choose.

 

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Wake up and Pay Attention

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“If you want to be somebody, if you want to go somewhere you better wake up and pay attention.” ~ Sister Act II

With the new year comes new resolutions, and new goals.  But how often do we really act on them. I was sitting at home on New Years thinking about what my resolution would be, when I realized that the ones I had for this year are the same ones I have had for a few years now. This was also during my month long temper tantrum to the dark side, so I had another beer and grumbled away. But a few weeks later my ex-boyfriends mother (who happens to be a financial planner) called me.

Now I know what you are thinking because I thought it too. It is my Ex Boyfriends MOTHER! I didnt want to offend or hurt my current boyfriend, and love of my life, by talking to her nor did I want to let her think that I still loved her son. But I new that she could help me. I new that no matter how ridiculous my dreams and goals were she would be the one to believe them. I blew it off for a few days, tossing the idea around with the boyfriend, talked about the lofty dreams we had for the year, and came to the conclusion that what we were doing wasnt working and we needed help.

It was a great decision. She is helping us dissect our finances and she believes in our goal no matter how lofty they seam. She is positive and confident, she had an unwavering faith. She also has the answers we have been looking for. Granted it is only Jan 16th, but I already feel better knowing that she is helping us get to where we want to go.

Is it hard? Yes. Is it embarrassing getting your finances dissected to the last penny? Yes. But now we are paying attention.

You dont realize how much you are not paying attention to tell someone points it out to you. Like ladies, how many of you know exactly when your period is going to come? I know I dont. But it comes at the same time every month so we should know. Or how many of you track something that happens to your body like a illness or stresser? How often do you write down what you need to get done for the day and do it? How many times does your budget fail and you dont know why?  All of these things are attainable, we just need to PAY ATTENTION!

Listen to your gut. Pay attention to how much you eat. Pay attention to how your body feels. Really look at your bank account. Watch your calorie intake. Track that weird thing that your arm does every once in a while. Make to do list and do them before sitting down.

The power to be great is at our finger tips. We just need to wake up and pay attention!

Why do we Fall?

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Photo: all_we_are_is_falling___detail_by_snikstencilstuff

I have spent the last few days binge watching a few of the movie series I have in my house. I started with Harry Potter (yes all 7 of them), the Matrix, then Batman (with Christian Bale). All movies with people who endure hardships, much worse than mine, and they never  give up. A few quotes from each movie really stuck with me.

We have both light and dark in us. It is what we choose to act on that determines who we really are. ~ Sirius Black

Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick our selves back up. ~Alfred

My last post was full of hate and negativity. I was in a place that I didn’t want to be in. I am still there, but my view of it has changed. I thought it would be easier to live in that negative world, I thought it would be easier to just not care. However, I quickly learned that it is not easier. It hurts more, you only find more to be upset about. You never really give up. You want to, oh do you want to. But there is something inside that fights you. Fights against everything you have. Believe it or not it makes it harder to be negative and hateful.

We all have choices. I chose to be on the dark side. However, I still have light in me. I still have a spark. I dont know what this spark is, but I have felt it. It is the only thing keeping me going. It is the real me I have been searching for. The reason for my existence and it is fighting to stay alive.

Why do we fall? We fall to find our spark. We fall and keep falling until we realize that we have much to live for. We have a purpose. It is that one thing that fights you when you want to give up. It is that choking feeling you get when you cry out in pain and anger. It is that gut feeling that even though it is dark something, just something is out there that is good. That hope that something will change.

I have noticed in all of these movies every main character has a crazy grandma (Moana), a crazy mentor (Morphous, Dumbledore), or a care taker (Alfred) that pushes them to be the best they can be. They push them to do that one crazy thing, hold onto that one glimmer of hope. They hold them up when all they can do is look down. After watching Moana I thought about who that would be for me. My family is crazy but my grandparents are very logical, my best friend is in the same boat as me, and I don’t really have a mentor. But I do have my Christopher. My Christopher, who has been my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my positive force of light. He has been everything for me. No matter what my mind set has been he has always been there.

I have not been that person for him. If things were turned and he was the one being negative I don’t know if I could have been as strong as him. But he is my light. He is my little spark. He is the reason that I am still going. Because of him I have not given up. He makes me smile, laugh, feel uncomfortable. He makes me do things I would never think of doing. I holds my hand when a Disney movie makes me cry. He is positive even when we are at rock bottom. I have to do this for him. Someday the tables may turn and I need to be strong for him.

I have to change I want to change. I had to fall to learn who believes in me. I had to fall to learn how to be a positive force. We all fall. It is how we choose to get up that makes up who we are.

Ask

Believe

Achieve

 

 

The Dark Side

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Today/Tonight is supposed to be a night filled with reflection and hope. A night filled with excitement and goal setting. But for me, for me it is a day I realized that I have fallen deeper into the hole I have been running from. I told myself a few months back that I wasn’t going to blog unless I had something positive to say. Well not a lot has changed and I have been very quite. I decided to stay quiet because I new no one would listen. No one wants to listen to someone be negative. I know I don’t want too. Well, I have officially fallen to the dark side and I am going to tell the world about it.

This time last year we were in a rough spot. I lost my hearing, I was on this awful medication, we were broke, but we had Hope. We had a flame full of hope and adventure. We were in a new place we had all these new things around us. New places, new jobs, new beginnings. I had $12000 in the bank, a great credit score, and all the faith in the world that everything would be ok.

Today, I woke up to more overdraft fee charges, $60 in the bank, and shitty credit. We cannot pay rent, we cannot pay our car payments, nor our credit card bills. We need milk and dog food. I have a job I took for the money, that I HATE. And everyone on social media is reflecting on the wonderful things they are grateful for and have hope for the next year.

This is when I realized my flame has gone out. I have no hope left. My optimism, the very thing I pride myself on having no matter the situation, is gone. I have nothing left to give. I have thought throughout this year I have hit rock bottom a few times, only to have life hit me in the face and say “Ha the hole goes deeper!”. I have been tested. I have been tried. I have failed.

I have recently watched The Return of the Guardians a Dreamwork film with Jack Frost, Santa, the Easter Bunny, and such. They talk about finding your center. Finding what makes you a guardian. What really makes you you. I have wanted to know this for a long time. I have asked for help in finding this. My Family thinks I am crazy and need to be patient, my calling will come. Friends don’t know what to say. Strangers don’t listen, I mean,  who really wants to listen to someone bitch about how shitty their life is. I have followed great minds that I admire like Oprah, Ellen, J.K. Rowlings, Tony Robbins, Law of Attraction, Positive quotes, hoping, no searching for a clue or an way to find an answer. They all say the same thing. Find that one thing that you cant go without, that one thing that makes you happy and you would do for free. Then do it.

My problem is, I don’t know what that is for me.

I dont know how to find that answer. I dont know what I love to do. I love a lot of things. Some of which I would have to go back to school for. Some I would need experience to get into. But none that make me so nervous that I smile at that thought of it. I love traveling. I would love to travel all over the world. See everything. Eat everything. Experience everything. How do I find a job to help me do this? Even if I found a job that allowed me to do this, how do I pay the bills when I am so far in a hole.

I know J.K. Rowlings was older when she hit her fame, same with Ellen and Oprah. But I am at a point where the dark side is taking over. I have lost all hope. I am becoming the Sith lord I was sworn to protect myself against. My boyfriend is a true Jedi. Always hopeful. However the difference between him and I is that he is ok with were we are. I am not. I want out of here, I don’t ever want to be here again. He wants out to but not to the same extent. He is ok with what we have and happy with our family. I want more I know we are better than this. I am in the part of my story where I am talking with the enemy realizing his plan is not so bad. I will be 30 in march and have nothing to show for it.

I am not married, no kids, no home, no career. I have a boyfriend that my whole family hates, I am over weight, broke and unhappy. Now these things in themselves are not bad things but I want my family to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me.

I know that this is the problem. I know I care about how people view me. I shouldn’t but I dont blame them. If I saw me as a TV character, I would judge me as well. I want to travel. I what good credit so I can buy a home. I want a savings account so I can get married, and travel. I want to start a family. I want to have a career I love. Why is it so hard!

I have dreams. Big Dreams. But no Idea how to get them. No Idea how to find my dream job, to pay my bills and pay for my desire to travel. I would love to go back to school. There is so much I would love to learn. I would love to allow my boyfriend to go back to school. He deserves it. He deserves to go to school and study to be an engineer. He deserves someone that loves him for him and doesn’t try to change him. My anger and lack of faith is causing a huge nail in our relationship.

My flame has gone out. I give up. I don’t know how to get out of this mess. The money I make at this job I hate is not enough to get us out of here. I cant do this any more. There is no one left to ask for help. No one left to listen. I have nothing left to give.

I have thought about writing Ellen, Rowlings or Oprah, but I am not looking for a hand out. I am looking for a place to get answers. I am looking for someone to say do this and they can help. Do I need a life coach? Do I need a Financial Planner? Do I need to go back to school? WHAT!?!?!

I just want to know.

I am so tired of trying so hard just to fail.

I have lost the one virtue that I have prided myself on. Optimism. I am too tired. I am sick of trying for nothing.

30 years and nothing but scars to show for it. No home, no kids, no career, no ring. No travel stories. Nothing. Just scars and heart ache.

I am so much more than this.

Surely someone can see that.

Surely someone has an answer.

Whole Damn Fire

In my last post I wrote about how I was afraid of losing my spark. I was afraid that this job was killing me slowly. I was mindlessly surfing facebook when this post caught my attention.

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It was the sign I have been looking for. This may not be the job of my dreams but I cannot let it dull my fire! I cannot let it destroy me! I will not let it get me down! I am a warrior! I have passion and a fiery energy about me! I will not let others take this from me!

I am going into work today ready to conquer it ! I am ready to take on my task and be the best I can be. I am ready to ask questions, initiate meetings, and kick A**!

Some times you just need to stop and look around, the universe is giving you the signs you are asking for. You just need to be paying attention!

 

 

The Fly

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I have been at training for my new job for three days now, and I have been having a hard time accepting my reality. I feel this I am already dreading the job I have to do. I keep reminding myself why I took this job. Why I am here. The goals I have to achieve. But it has not been easy. I keep thinking about how I can do so much better than THIS job.

Throughout my stay here in training (it is out of state) there has been an abundance of Flies everywhere I go. They are in the training room, in the store, in Chilies, in Panara, in the grocery store, in the bank, at the gym, in Starbucks, EVERYWHERE!

I was starting to think it was me (Though I have showered every day I have been here). It was getting so bad that I decided to look up the spiritual meaning behind Flies. Here is what I found.

Reevaluate your thoughts about yourself. You are worth far more than you think!-Fly

If Fly has flown across your path;Know that quick and abrupt changes in your thoughts, emotions and endeavors are afoot. Rapid changes in all aspects of your life are currently happening for you so be prepared to move quickly even in unfavorable and uncomfortable conditions. Fly can also signify an exponentially growing source of abundance is available for you right now. Use your keen eyesight to see the way. Never give up.

Alternatively this insect could be reminding you that your persistence in reaching yourgoals will bare fruit sooner than later. Even if it means annoying others or being selfish for a while – you do have the ability to accomplish your goals.

http://www.spirit-animals.com/fly/

Boom!

I was so shocked. This is my life! This is what I am going through, and this little pest is telling me something!!! I cannot believe a fly would be a positive omen! Abundance, Change, Persistence. I can do this! I can achieve this goal. I need to change my thoughts and get through this. One step at a time.

This little thing is telling me to pay attention. To be aware. Good things are coming.

I needed this today.

Never give up.

Always follow your gut!

 

 

Courage

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“The first step to getting what you want is having the courage to get rid of what you dont.”

The other day I decided to take the job that I have been so afraid of. I wrote a wonderful heart felt two week notice letter to my current employer and let him know that it was for financial reasons that I was leaving. At first he only accepted one week of the two that I offered him. This came to a shock to me because I was under the impression that I was well liked there. Monday morning came around for my last week and I get a call from my HR lady (His secretary) and she informed me that my boss doesn’t think I should come in this week. I was stunned. I had never in my life ever been asked not to work the last two weeks of my job.

For a moment I took it personally. What had I done, where did I go wrong, but then I realized that it had nothing to do with me. My boss is pissed that I left his control. He is upset that I will no longer be there to wait on his hand and foot. He was mad that I know better things are out there.

This quote came to me the day I gave my notice. It didn’t mean anything tell Monday. That job was so toxic and negative that it was draining my ability to grow. I had asked the universe for an opportunity to grow and thrive. The universe had to drop me from this toxic job in order for me to see how awful it was. The universe was listening. I didn’t have the courage to let go of this terrible job that was holding me back. It had to be taken from me. It is now Wednesday and I have done nothing but what I want to do for two days and I am a brand new person!!!

I am working out two times a day. I have time to do my crafts and color. I have time to do laundry when I want to. I have time to watch that movie, or read that book. These next two weeks are all about me and getting my mind back to success mode. Once I start this new job I will be at my old 100% self. Ready to take on the new challenge and thrive!

It was a blessing in disguise. The universe was looking after me. I now know if something is bad for me I shouldn’t linger in it too long. I need to get rid of it and move toward the amazing things that life has to offer.

Here’s to moving forward. Here’s to dropping the dead weight. Here’s to having the courage to keep going!

Let this new journey begin!!!