This weekend I learned that my boyfriend has more expenses that he has not been paying so that we could make rent. They are not little expenses either. He has been hiding them from me so I wouldn’t worry any more than I am. He is right I am now freaking out, but he should have told me so I could have know the severity of our situation. My little victory last week was very short lived.
I woke up today with little hope, and feeling helplessly defeated. My boyfriend started a new job today and it took all of my energy to be excited and hide my tears. I can only hope it worked and that he thrives! After staying in the shower for too long and slowly sulking while walking the dogs, I told myself that today I am going to write about defeat, and leave it on the pages! No more dwelling in things I don’t know how to fix . I am not laying in the hole any longer.
I sat down and didn’t know where to start, so I googled “Defeat”. I was completely expecting negative, condescending, words to be in the definition. However, I was pleasantly surprised to find they were no where to be found.
- Defeat: is to win a victory over someone in a battle, or other contest. To beat or to over come.
It talked about defeat as if I had defeated something. I was feeling defeated, but in reality have I defeated something? Have I finally done something right? I kept reading further.
- “Defeat is only a word. Defeat was the beginning of Victory” – Launa Rissadia
Defeat is the beginning of Victory. Have I made it to the bottom and now it is time to go up?
- “To admit defeat isn’t failure, it is courage.” – Mickaveli
I am not a failure for admitting that I cannot go on? I am being courageous? How can this be? How can admitting that I am at my lowest point be courageous?
- “Disappointment, defeat, and despair are tools God uses to show you the way. Within this you will find your path…” – Shah Kukh Khan
- “Defeat should never be a source of discouragement, but rather a fresh stimulus.” -Robert South
This is where I find myself? My path? This is a learning experience? I am doing OK? Things get better from here?
I woke up this morning struggling to function. Now, I am looking at this in a new light. I am learning what doesn’t work. I am learning that I need to change everything. I need to jump into something new. Maybe be a waitress, make more money and pay stuff off. Maybe I need to take a shitty job that pays more for a year to get back on my feet. Maybe I need to just win the lotto. I don’t know … but I can tell you I am much more optimistic than I was this morning! I have a new perspective on my defeat. I am not alone, Defeat happens to the best. Failure is when you give up. I am not giving up! I am not surrendering! The Law of Attraction has brought positive words to my screen today and I am very grateful. This defeat is a fresh stimulus to get me to do something new!
I got this.
List = Change