“All your life, other people will try to take your accomplishments away from you. Don’t you take it away from yourself.”
― Michael Crichton, The Lost World
My mom came into town this weekend to visit me and my sister. She hasn’t come to visit me since I moved in November. I was so excited she was going to be staying with me. I deep cleaned the house, decorated extra nice, made sure it was a place she would say “wow this is a great place”. I couldn’t wait for her to pull into the parking lot.
Now three days later I am exhausted, stressed, and really down on my self. My sister is the “perfect child”. She has a career, a wonderful husband, a home, savings, she has her shit together. I am the “Free Spirit” of the family. All I have ever wanted is for my mom to be proud of me for things that I have done in MY way. After this weekend I know that wont happen. Not because of her or because my sister is perfect and I will never live up to her standard, but simply because I am not proud of myself.
I am not proud that I have debt collectors calling me. I am not proud that I dont have a career. I am not proud that I am 15lbs over weight. I am not proud that I am stuck here in this God awful state. I am however, too proud to admit it. I am too proud to ask for help.To proud to work weekends.
I want to start doing better for me. Really. I dont want to be this. This is not me. I want things to get better. I have noticed that the last few months I have stopped doing little things that are important. Not big things, little things that dont make a difference tell you dont do them. I have started to slack off on brushing my teeth before bed. I have not been working out (something I LOVE to do). I eat when I am not hungry. I have stopped being positive. I have stopped being grateful. I have stopped praying. I have stopped caring about how I dress. I have stopped wearing makeup.
It didnt happen all at once but it has now gotten to a point to where I have noticed. I used to be so proud of my body. I was a D1 Athlete. I had great legs, a amazing back, rock hard abs. Now I hunch, and have a gut. I dont carry myself the same way. My teeth are not as white and my smile doesn’t sparkle. I have lost all hope in myself. I feel like my inner flame has gone out.
I keep saying “I used to be this and used to be that” and I need to stop doing that. I cannot keep looking backwards expecting to move forward. I need to start being the me I am now. The me I was then, has changed. I need to stand up for myself and get this shit started. Starting with me.
I am going to brush my teeth twice a day. I am going to take pride in my outfits. Maybe even wear makeup to work. I am going to work out once a day. I am going to talk to a financial adviser and see what my best options are for debt consolidation. I am going to get out of this mess. Why is this so hard? Why am I so sad? Why can’t someone save me? What is the answer? I am so tired of trying…… I just need some help.
I am going to find me…. I can do it.
It starts with Self Pride.
I will find my fire.
I will find me.