My Spark

Photo credit: Drew Rosier Professional Illustrator

I have been in training for my new job for three weeks, and I have been in the job for a week. I am not giving up, however it has been a struggle. Lots of tears, not much support, and a huge amount of uncertainty. My biggest fear right now is that I am losing my spark.

I fear I am losing the one thing that makes me me. I flame is going out. I am so close to giving up. I am so close to just going back to live in my moms basement. I am so close. I cant even tell you what I enjoy doing any more.

I am scared that if I stay and “tough this out” I will lose myself completely. I am dancing with the line between a job being hard, and a job being destructive to my soul.

I moved here to find myself. Maybe you have to loose yourself before you can find out who you really are, but where is the line. When does it get better. I am sick of crying on my lunch and when I get home every day. I just want to be valued and be in a positive work environment, and make my bills in the mean time. Why is this so much to ask? Why cant I shake this?

“They” say that it gets hard before it gets better…. well it is too hard.

I am giving myself false motivation because it is better than no motivation.

I need help. I want a better job. I want to be me and enjoy life again. I want to be happy. I am sick of crying. I want to be adventurous and have time to do the things I love. I want to get married. I want my boyfriend to see the good side of me. I know it is not easy for him to see me sad all the time. I want to go home. I dont know what to do.

Do I quit. Do I move. Do I keep pushing. When do I realize that all these bad things that have happened are a sign that we shouldn’t be here. When do we realize that this was a bad choice. When do we give up. Why can I not get another job. Why cant I get the job I feel I deserve. Is it me am I not deserving. Do I need to go back to school. WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!

I am sick of guessing I NEED ANSWERS!

I need a direction.

I need a path.

I need a mentor.

I need help.

I need God to be more obvious. I need him to write me an email. I need him to put someone in my life that can push me in the right direction. I need something!

PLEASE