When You are Wondering Why


Do you ever have those days were you just scream “why me!”? Do you ever just get so angry at who ever you believe is responsible, and say “if you are all powerful why would you do this? Why would we have wars? Why would you allow this to happen?”

Well I hope to ask the big boss that someday, but for now, you just have to believe that it is happening for a reason. I know I know easier said than done. Trust me I am not here to say it is easy. I f***ing sucks. Take my life for example: my debt has increased substantially in the past two years. So much so that I believe the stress of money is causing my medical problems. Ever since we went to Buffalo we have been in a downward spiral. When we moved back we were so excited to get started on saving and fixing everything that went wrong. Only to find that it was about to get worse.

When are are living in the worst it is hard to see any way out. You are angry and wonder what you ever did to deserve this. Well a week after my little pity party, me and my boyfriend start a financial peace class. The teacher talks a lot about relationships with money and how money effects our personal relationships. 80% of divorce is because of money issues. Now if we didn’t go through what we did in Buffalo, and what we are going through now, we would have never gone through this class.  We would have been 40 years old, divorced, and in the 80% statistic. This class is helping us better communicate about money and in turn helping us grow. Is it worth all the pain… I will let you know when I am 40.

Stuff happens. You cannot plan for all of it. You can however, learn how to properly deal with it. For us in our life money is our #1 stresser. Yes we have medical stuff happening but guess what, we cant control that. I cannot control my hearing. I cannot control how strong my dogs ACLs are. I cannot control the lumps growing in my body.  BUT I can save and prepare to take care of them though.

I am in troubled water but my enemies are sinking. I am learning how to sail my ship. I am learning how to adjust my sails to get me to where I want to go.

I may not know why but I am learning a lot along the way.

Have faith.

It sucks. You will have days. But never give up.

Never give in.


Stop – Look – Listen

stop whining

In light of the New Year, I want to talk about resolutions. Not the same old ” I am going to loose weight”, “I am going save money”, resolutions. I am talking about the life changing resolutions. The HOLY SHIT resolutions.

Life sucks. It is hard. None of us come out alive. So why do we go through ever year saying ” I will start Monday” or “Maybe next year”. If I have learned anything this year it is that tomorrow is not promised.

Do it all today.

When my boyfriend asked me what my resolution was for this year I told him that I want to do more things that scare me. When I got my motorcycle license in 2010 I was terrified. Everyone told me I couldn’t do it. I wasn’t coordinated enough. I wasn’t strong enough. I did it though. I have my licence and it was the most liberating experience of my life so far. I want more of these moments. I want more of these smiles. I want more of this confidence.  It was contagious. It was exhilarating. It was the best high of my life.

We are responsible for all of our life choices, and because of those choices we are where we are. I am not where I want to be because I have not taken any risks. I have not made any scary choices. I have not jumped off the deep end and tried something that scared me so much that I may just have to grow from it. I have played it safe.

I have learned that I am afraid. I am afraid of getting sick (like cancer sick), I am afraid of not making the right choice, I am afraid of what people will think of me. And I make my choices based on these feelings. These feelings of fear and uncertainty.  I look back on last year. All the suffering, all the medical bills, all the unknowns, all the debt. I see nothing but fear and disappointment. I dont want to look back next year, hell I dont want to look back at tomorrow and feel this way.

I am not going to make any more broken promises to myself. If I want it, I need to go after it. I am going to do things that scare me. Guess what? I am going to survive them with flying colors, just like I have survived the fear and sorrow. The difference is…. I am going to be better for it. I am going to smile, I am going to laugh, I am going to thrive.


Looking back on past unpublished posts and realizing you still feel this way….

Have you ever had days were you wonder how you got were you are. How you got to be who you are and why you let youself become it. This is me everyday but for the sake of time we will focus on just today. I tend to find myself wondering to the past wondering if I should have made a different choice. How it would effect my life and who I have become.

The problem with the past is that it is in the past. You cannot change it. It is already imprinted in history. So there is no use going back and dwelling on it. Though I know this I still find myself back there. Maybe it is easier to look back there because I dont have any choices to make, or it is easy to find the mistake once you have made it. but I want to change my future. I am too big for this place and I want the world to see.

My problem is I am afraid to make decisions. I couldnt decide a major in college. I couldnt decided what car I wanted to buy. I cannot decided a career. I am afraid to make the wrong choice. But today, just today, I noticed that because I have not been making choices my life is what it is. I have let my life become what it is.

I have the power to change it. I have the power to make a different choice. I have the power to DO something. I just need to choose. At this point anything is better that where I am at. So do I take the easy way and become a fitness instructor. (Which I love but not sure it is forever). Or do I jump on something crazy like becoming an Architect.

I feel like I wake up every day saying I wish things were different. Or I wish I had this. Or I wish I could do that. Well I can. I can do things I just need to make a decision to do them.

We have this amazing power in us and I am not using it. I preach about it all the time and I just sit around and wait for something to come to me. I am afraid to do the work. I am afraid to DO anything. I dont know if I am afraid of failing or if I am afraid of being wrong.

But it has to stop. I cannot be this depressing little girl any more. I am a women. I am a beautiful, stunning, attractive woman that is smart. I know I can do all things! I just need to Choose.


Somedays you need a Positive Reminder


I was reading a blog from @thehappylife101 and she mentioned a quote from Joel Olsteen about the power of ” I AM”. Having just had a really negative day, I needed the reminder.

“What follows I AM comes looking for you.” The law of attraction says what you think you become. It also says, ask and you shall receive. I have been trying to get better at my thoughts, but I have forgotten that what I say has an even more powerful effect on the universe.

I come in to work with the most positive, go getter attitude. Once negativity hits, I do my best to turn it around. However, I come home and I let everything out. I vent and vent and vent and at the end I say “I cant do this. I am so over this. I am done.”

The universe hears this and gives me more reasons to feel this way. It gives me more validation that I am done. I do believe it is healthy to vent out your feelings, however, what is the point of venting if you don’t try and find a solution.

I am a problem solver. I should see these types of days as a opportunity to fix a problem. I should vent with the intent to try and fix it. Maybe I should use more positive words or find a positive motive in the situation. I don’t know. But it has to stop. The amount of negativity that comes out of my mouth at home, is nothing that I even want to be around.

Another thing Joel Olsteen said in his sermon was about the importance of not putting yourself down in front of someone who thinks you are his prize. If you are with someone, you are with them because you think they are everything you have ever dreamt of. You wouldn’t be with them if they weren’t the man or woman of your dreams. So why would you think any less of yourself. Why would you say “I am not beautiful” to the man who has chosen you as his bride. Why would you say “I am not successful” to the man who is your pride and joy, who you are lucky to have. Why would you say “I am not good enough” to the man who fought long and hard for your attention. It is not only degrading you, it is degrading them.

“I AM” is a powerful statement. Make it count. What you say you attract. Ask and you shall receive. I am blessed. I am successful. I am beautiful. I am healthy. I am wonderful. I am funny. I am young. I am strong. I am a big deal. I am a great friend. I am a great sister.

I am going to get better at this.


Wake up and Pay Attention


“If you want to be somebody, if you want to go somewhere you better wake up and pay attention.” ~ Sister Act II

With the new year comes new resolutions, and new goals.  But how often do we really act on them. I was sitting at home on New Years thinking about what my resolution would be, when I realized that the ones I had for this year are the same ones I have had for a few years now. This was also during my month long temper tantrum to the dark side, so I had another beer and grumbled away. But a few weeks later my ex-boyfriends mother (who happens to be a financial planner) called me.

Now I know what you are thinking because I thought it too. It is my Ex Boyfriends MOTHER! I didnt want to offend or hurt my current boyfriend, and love of my life, by talking to her nor did I want to let her think that I still loved her son. But I new that she could help me. I new that no matter how ridiculous my dreams and goals were she would be the one to believe them. I blew it off for a few days, tossing the idea around with the boyfriend, talked about the lofty dreams we had for the year, and came to the conclusion that what we were doing wasnt working and we needed help.

It was a great decision. She is helping us dissect our finances and she believes in our goal no matter how lofty they seam. She is positive and confident, she had an unwavering faith. She also has the answers we have been looking for. Granted it is only Jan 16th, but I already feel better knowing that she is helping us get to where we want to go.

Is it hard? Yes. Is it embarrassing getting your finances dissected to the last penny? Yes. But now we are paying attention.

You dont realize how much you are not paying attention to tell someone points it out to you. Like ladies, how many of you know exactly when your period is going to come? I know I dont. But it comes at the same time every month so we should know. Or how many of you track something that happens to your body like a illness or stresser? How often do you write down what you need to get done for the day and do it? How many times does your budget fail and you dont know why?  All of these things are attainable, we just need to PAY ATTENTION!

Listen to your gut. Pay attention to how much you eat. Pay attention to how your body feels. Really look at your bank account. Watch your calorie intake. Track that weird thing that your arm does every once in a while. Make to do list and do them before sitting down.

The power to be great is at our finger tips. We just need to wake up and pay attention!

Whole Damn Fire

In my last post I wrote about how I was afraid of losing my spark. I was afraid that this job was killing me slowly. I was mindlessly surfing facebook when this post caught my attention.


It was the sign I have been looking for. This may not be the job of my dreams but I cannot let it dull my fire! I cannot let it destroy me! I will not let it get me down! I am a warrior! I have passion and a fiery energy about me! I will not let others take this from me!

I am going into work today ready to conquer it ! I am ready to take on my task and be the best I can be. I am ready to ask questions, initiate meetings, and kick A**!

Some times you just need to stop and look around, the universe is giving you the signs you are asking for. You just need to be paying attention!



The Fly


I have been at training for my new job for three days now, and I have been having a hard time accepting my reality. I feel this I am already dreading the job I have to do. I keep reminding myself why I took this job. Why I am here. The goals I have to achieve. But it has not been easy. I keep thinking about how I can do so much better than THIS job.

Throughout my stay here in training (it is out of state) there has been an abundance of Flies everywhere I go. They are in the training room, in the store, in Chilies, in Panara, in the grocery store, in the bank, at the gym, in Starbucks, EVERYWHERE!

I was starting to think it was me (Though I have showered every day I have been here). It was getting so bad that I decided to look up the spiritual meaning behind Flies. Here is what I found.

Reevaluate your thoughts about yourself. You are worth far more than you think!-Fly

If Fly has flown across your path;Know that quick and abrupt changes in your thoughts, emotions and endeavors are afoot. Rapid changes in all aspects of your life are currently happening for you so be prepared to move quickly even in unfavorable and uncomfortable conditions. Fly can also signify an exponentially growing source of abundance is available for you right now. Use your keen eyesight to see the way. Never give up.

Alternatively this insect could be reminding you that your persistence in reaching yourgoals will bare fruit sooner than later. Even if it means annoying others or being selfish for a while – you do have the ability to accomplish your goals.



I was so shocked. This is my life! This is what I am going through, and this little pest is telling me something!!! I cannot believe a fly would be a positive omen! Abundance, Change, Persistence. I can do this! I can achieve this goal. I need to change my thoughts and get through this. One step at a time.

This little thing is telling me to pay attention. To be aware. Good things are coming.

I needed this today.

Never give up.

Always follow your gut!