When You are Wondering Why

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Do you ever have those days were you just scream “why me!”? Do you ever just get so angry at who ever you believe is responsible, and say “if you are all powerful why would you do this? Why would we have wars? Why would you allow this to happen?”

Well I hope to ask the big boss that someday, but for now, you just have to believe that it is happening for a reason. I know I know easier said than done. Trust me I am not here to say it is easy. I f***ing sucks. Take my life for example: my debt has increased substantially in the past two years. So much so that I believe the stress of money is causing my medical problems. Ever since we went to Buffalo we have been in a downward spiral. When we moved back we were so excited to get started on saving and fixing everything that went wrong. Only to find that it was about to get worse.

When are are living in the worst it is hard to see any way out. You are angry and wonder what you ever did to deserve this. Well a week after my little pity party, me and my boyfriend start a financial peace class. The teacher talks a lot about relationships with money and how money effects our personal relationships. 80% of divorce is because of money issues. Now if we didn’t go through what we did in Buffalo, and what we are going through now, we would have never gone through this class.  We would have been 40 years old, divorced, and in the 80% statistic. This class is helping us better communicate about money and in turn helping us grow. Is it worth all the pain… I will let you know when I am 40.

Stuff happens. You cannot plan for all of it. You can however, learn how to properly deal with it. For us in our life money is our #1 stresser. Yes we have medical stuff happening but guess what, we cant control that. I cannot control my hearing. I cannot control how strong my dogs ACLs are. I cannot control the lumps growing in my body.  BUT I can save and prepare to take care of them though.

I am in troubled water but my enemies are sinking. I am learning how to sail my ship. I am learning how to adjust my sails to get me to where I want to go.

I may not know why but I am learning a lot along the way.

Have faith.

It sucks. You will have days. But never give up.

Never give in.

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Change the world one day at a time.

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“Stress is caused by being here but wanting to be there, or being in the present but wanting to be in the future. It is the split that tears you apart inside.” – Eckhart Tolle

Last night I sat down and realized how stressed I really was. I just got done with a killer work out and should have been relaxed and wiped out, but all I could feel was the tension in my neck and shoulders and the anxiety building in my throat. There was no reason for my body to be reacting this way. I worked out, I ate well, my job is not hard, I don’t have to pay rent, I have a loving boyfriend at home for me. Nothing major to be freaking out about.

When I got home I had to sit down and really think to get my self to calm down. Just then I realized (or decided to acknowledge) that I have been living my life worrying about the future. I believe this is #1 reason I am so stressed out. I want to buy a home, but don’t have the money. I want to get married, but I am afraid to make the wrong choice. I want to retire someday, but my job now does not offer 401K. I want my hearing to come back, but that may not happen. I want this bump on my arm taken off, but that cost money I don’t have. I want to get my dog his surgery, but that also cost money. All these things are in the future and I cannot do anything about them today.

Our bodies have a funny way of telling us when to just shut up and listen.

I ran across this quote about not mastering all of  your life in just one day late last night.  And I came to the realization (or decided to acknowledge) that I only have control of what is in front of me right now. I need to work on mastering today first. Once today is mastered, things may start falling into place. I then made a list of all the things I have been stressing about and what I have done to get them fixed.

  • I have been talking with a lender about buying a home (home buying is a lengthy process).
  • I am in love with my boyfriend that is all I need right now.
  • I am saving money by staying with my mom, that helps with saving for retirement.
  • Called the Vet regarding a possible payment plan for my pups surgery.
  • I made a Dr. appointment for my arm, that is step one in getting a cost for my surgery.
  • I am on meds for me hearing, and praying for a miracle.

WHAT MORE CAN I DO

I need to keep remembering this. I have done all I can do. I am in the process of getting these things done. I have a plan. Lets now focus on today. I keep looking at the big picture and I am missing all the fine little details. Its like going to Florence Italy and forgetting to go to see the Statue of David.  Yes you have been there but did you see all its glory. I am here today yes, but am I living in all its glory.

Lets master they day.

 

Looking back on past unpublished posts and realizing you still feel this way….

Have you ever had days were you wonder how you got were you are. How you got to be who you are and why you let youself become it. This is me everyday but for the sake of time we will focus on just today. I tend to find myself wondering to the past wondering if I should have made a different choice. How it would effect my life and who I have become.

The problem with the past is that it is in the past. You cannot change it. It is already imprinted in history. So there is no use going back and dwelling on it. Though I know this I still find myself back there. Maybe it is easier to look back there because I dont have any choices to make, or it is easy to find the mistake once you have made it. but I want to change my future. I am too big for this place and I want the world to see.

My problem is I am afraid to make decisions. I couldnt decide a major in college. I couldnt decided what car I wanted to buy. I cannot decided a career. I am afraid to make the wrong choice. But today, just today, I noticed that because I have not been making choices my life is what it is. I have let my life become what it is.

I have the power to change it. I have the power to make a different choice. I have the power to DO something. I just need to choose. At this point anything is better that where I am at. So do I take the easy way and become a fitness instructor. (Which I love but not sure it is forever). Or do I jump on something crazy like becoming an Architect.

I feel like I wake up every day saying I wish things were different. Or I wish I had this. Or I wish I could do that. Well I can. I can do things I just need to make a decision to do them.

We have this amazing power in us and I am not using it. I preach about it all the time and I just sit around and wait for something to come to me. I am afraid to do the work. I am afraid to DO anything. I dont know if I am afraid of failing or if I am afraid of being wrong.

But it has to stop. I cannot be this depressing little girl any more. I am a women. I am a beautiful, stunning, attractive woman that is smart. I know I can do all things! I just need to Choose.

 

Wake up and Pay Attention

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“If you want to be somebody, if you want to go somewhere you better wake up and pay attention.” ~ Sister Act II

With the new year comes new resolutions, and new goals.  But how often do we really act on them. I was sitting at home on New Years thinking about what my resolution would be, when I realized that the ones I had for this year are the same ones I have had for a few years now. This was also during my month long temper tantrum to the dark side, so I had another beer and grumbled away. But a few weeks later my ex-boyfriends mother (who happens to be a financial planner) called me.

Now I know what you are thinking because I thought it too. It is my Ex Boyfriends MOTHER! I didnt want to offend or hurt my current boyfriend, and love of my life, by talking to her nor did I want to let her think that I still loved her son. But I new that she could help me. I new that no matter how ridiculous my dreams and goals were she would be the one to believe them. I blew it off for a few days, tossing the idea around with the boyfriend, talked about the lofty dreams we had for the year, and came to the conclusion that what we were doing wasnt working and we needed help.

It was a great decision. She is helping us dissect our finances and she believes in our goal no matter how lofty they seam. She is positive and confident, she had an unwavering faith. She also has the answers we have been looking for. Granted it is only Jan 16th, but I already feel better knowing that she is helping us get to where we want to go.

Is it hard? Yes. Is it embarrassing getting your finances dissected to the last penny? Yes. But now we are paying attention.

You dont realize how much you are not paying attention to tell someone points it out to you. Like ladies, how many of you know exactly when your period is going to come? I know I dont. But it comes at the same time every month so we should know. Or how many of you track something that happens to your body like a illness or stresser? How often do you write down what you need to get done for the day and do it? How many times does your budget fail and you dont know why?  All of these things are attainable, we just need to PAY ATTENTION!

Listen to your gut. Pay attention to how much you eat. Pay attention to how your body feels. Really look at your bank account. Watch your calorie intake. Track that weird thing that your arm does every once in a while. Make to do list and do them before sitting down.

The power to be great is at our finger tips. We just need to wake up and pay attention!

Whole Damn Fire

In my last post I wrote about how I was afraid of losing my spark. I was afraid that this job was killing me slowly. I was mindlessly surfing facebook when this post caught my attention.

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It was the sign I have been looking for. This may not be the job of my dreams but I cannot let it dull my fire! I cannot let it destroy me! I will not let it get me down! I am a warrior! I have passion and a fiery energy about me! I will not let others take this from me!

I am going into work today ready to conquer it ! I am ready to take on my task and be the best I can be. I am ready to ask questions, initiate meetings, and kick A**!

Some times you just need to stop and look around, the universe is giving you the signs you are asking for. You just need to be paying attention!

 

 

My Dream Job

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Today I have decided to describe my dream job. I am going to use the power of The Secret and focus my energy onto the things I want.

My job will allow me to work 7-3 Monday through Friday.

My job will pay me $65,000 a year. With paid benefits, paid vacation, and 401k.

I will be surrounded by wonderful, positive, motivated people.

I will be able to work with people and be up and moving most of the day.

I will be able to help people.

I can walk to work if I wanted to.

I will have many opportunities for advancement.

I will have an office with lots of windows and sunlight. I will have a desk with many positive quotes, images, and love on it. The desk will be a light oak, with lots of space for writing. Possibility for a stand up desk option.  A Blue balance ball for a chair. Scented with my peppermint Pink Zebra warmer. A light oak coat rack in the corner. Beautiful scenery photos on the walls.

I will be challenged and supported. Motivated and competitive. With a great team of people to work for.

I will be able to give them the best of what I have to offer every day and get acknowledged for it!

Have my full potential utilized and have new skills to learn.

I got this.

There Universe I asked. I believe this job is out there!

Thank you Thank you Thank you!

 

Fear Is Powerful

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I just had a wonderful follower of mine comment on my resent post, and it really shook me awake. I am so grateful for the comment because they were right. I was stuck in a  negative spot and couldn’t see anything but bad things. I was so afraid that all these things could happen that I forgot to see the flip side of the coin.

Fear is a powerful emotion. It can suck you into deep places and blind you from ever venturing out into the light. I have some of my best memories from overcoming fear. I was terrified to ride a motorcycle, but I got my license and now I am a Harley riding bad ass. I over came my fear of heights and climbed up to a fire watch tower (on these stairs that go over a cliff) and saw the best view of Colorado I have ever seen in my life. Sadly, fear was consuming me yesterday.

All I could see was the bad things that could happen. I had my blinders on and was not looking anywhere but. Yes all these things could happen, but so could a ton of positive things.

This could be an opportunity for me to get out of debt. This could be an opportunity for me to shine and have someone see. Maybe even have someone offer me something bigger and better. This is an opportunity to grow and change. It would provide me and opportunity to maybe move back home. My grateful follower also mentioned that this isn’t forever. I can always quit. I can always find something else. Is is scary? Sure, but nothing is scarier that staying somewhere you don’t belong.

I need to change my thinking. I have been negative for so long it is now my go-to process. I need to change that. I need to rewire my brain to think positive again. This wont be a quick fix but it will be worth it. I am going to write this on my list of things to do. Overcome fear. Do something I am afraid of every day. ….

Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here through my journey. Thank you for encouraging me to be the best I can be.

Faith.

List.

Change.

Boom.