Tag: emotional struggle

The World doesnt owe you anything, and that is a HARD lesson to Learn.

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We sit here and look at social media, and the news and hear about all these wonderful things happening to people. The “Chewbacca mom” getting thousands of dollars for being funny, waiters getting HUGE tips to follow their dreams, a good samaritan paying off medical debt. Though I am happy for those people, I cant help but thing why not me.

I keep thinking about these certain scenarios and have come to realize that all these people all did something. The chewbacca mom posted a video, the waitress was extremely nice  and attentive working odd hours. All these people did something. This made me realize that I am not really doing anything. I am working three jobs, but I am not nice and attentive, I am kind of depressing. I am not having fun posting videos, I am worrying about things I cannot control. I am not networking positively to the universe. I need to do something.

I have written about this before but never realized that I really don’t do anything. Making lists is making me accountable for my actions. I am realizing how low I have sunk. I need a list to tell myself to do laundry, dishes, work out, clean the house, apply for jobs. You don’t realize how bad you are in tell you write it down and look at it.

The past few weeks I have felt like I have been in the five stages of denial. I finally the other day admitted that I was depressed. before that I was angry that I am where I am, I tried to bargain my way out of it by selling my car lowering payments, when that didn’t work I realized that I am depressed, and now I am accepting my situation. It sucks, life doesn’t owe you anything. You need to work for it.

I need to DO something. I need to act. I need to climb out of this. I need a plan. My list help me to create that plan. It is a start. But we all  need to start somewhere. I need to get my finances in order. I need to put my head down and DO. I need to stop comparing myself to others and DO something about it.

I hope that others in my situation read this and know they are not alone. It may feel like it because you have pushed all your friends away, and your family doesn’t know how to help (or you don’t want to ask them for it). But I promise that we are on the right path. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. This is the hardest lesson in life to learn. Life doesn’t owe you anything, BUT you owe yourself everything! 

Lets do this!

List = Change

 

Defeat : Knowledge of what Dose NOT work!

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This weekend I learned that my boyfriend has more expenses that he has not been paying so that we could make rent. They are not little expenses either. He has been hiding them from me so I wouldn’t worry any more than I am. He is right I am now freaking out, but he should have told me so I could have know the severity of our situation.  My little victory last week was very short lived.

I woke up today with little hope, and feeling helplessly defeated. My boyfriend started a new job today and it took all of my energy to be excited and hide my tears. I can only hope it worked and that he thrives! After staying in the shower for too long and slowly sulking while walking the dogs, I told myself that today I am going to write about defeat, and leave it on the pages! No more dwelling in things I don’t know how to fix .  I am not laying in the hole any longer.

I sat down and  didn’t know where to start, so I googled “Defeat”. I was completely expecting negative, condescending, words to be in the definition. However, I was pleasantly surprised to find they were no where to be found.

  •      Defeat: is to win a victory over someone in a battle, or other contest. To beat or to over come.

It talked about defeat as if I had defeated something. I was feeling defeated, but in reality have I defeated something? Have I finally done something right? I kept reading further.

  • “Defeat is only a word. Defeat was the beginning of Victory” – Launa Rissadia

Defeat is the beginning of Victory. Have I made it to the bottom and now it is time to go up?

  • “To admit defeat isn’t failure, it is courage.” – Mickaveli

I am not a failure for admitting that I cannot go on? I am being courageous? How can this be? How can admitting that I am at my lowest point be courageous?

  • “Disappointment, defeat, and despair are tools God uses to show you the way.  Within this you will find your path…”  – Shah Kukh Khan
  • “Defeat should never be a source of discouragement, but rather a fresh stimulus.”       -Robert South

This is where I find myself? My path? This is a learning experience? I am doing OK? Things get better from here?

I woke up this morning struggling to function. Now, I am looking at this in a new light. I am learning what doesn’t work. I am learning that I need to change everything. I need to jump into something new. Maybe be a waitress, make more money and pay stuff off. Maybe I need to take a shitty job  that pays more for a year to get back on my feet. Maybe I need to just win the lotto. I don’t know … but I can tell you I am much more optimistic than I was this morning! I have a new perspective on my defeat. I am not alone, Defeat happens to the best. Failure is when you give up. I am not giving up!  I am not surrendering! The Law of Attraction has brought positive words to my screen today and I am very grateful. This defeat is a fresh stimulus to get me to do something new!

I got this.

List = Change

Lets start!

 

Make Lists, Make Change

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With the rain today I finally have come to a realization, I am depressed. I have finally lost all motivation to do the things I love. People are finally sick of me talking about being worthless. I dont want to get up in the morning. I cant pretend any more. I am depressed.

I was reading a article today about Kristen Bell, and how she struggled with Depression. A successful, rich, beautiful woman is depressed. She seems to have all the things that I feel I am depressed about. Yet she is still depressed. She mentioned how  depression is about your self worth. How you feel about yourself. I keeps saying if I had money my problems would go away, or if I would just loose weight I would feel better, or if I new what I wanted to do with my life I would be happy. Kristen made me realize that it has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with how I feel about me.

My boyfriend got an amazing job opportunity a few weeks ago. He is so excited about it. He deserves it. He works hard, he is always positive, he never complains. He totally deserves ever dollar, and opportunity he is getting. I am excited for him too. I am so happy for him. Our financial situation will be better too. But in my head I am saying “why not me?When is my break? Am I not a good person?  Do people not want me? ”

I know I shouldn’t think this way, but I do. He has 10 plus years in his field. He is very skilled. I have skills too…. just not specialized like his. I cant even talk about it to him any more. I cant even pretend to be happy, and I can tell it is getting to him. Our relationship is fine, our intimacy is not. Our conversations are stale. He still loves me, but he is stressed too. With the rain and thunder today, I have decided to make list, to make a change.

I have to change. I dont want to be here. I need to change my state of mind. I need to keep busy so I dont focus on the negatives. I have a ton of stuff I “could” do but dont because I dont feel like it. But today is different. I HAVE to. Just like the rain HAS to come and be dark, the only difference is that the rain passes. It is time to make this pass. I am going to do so with lists.

Here is my list for today:

  • Write a Blog
  • Take a Photo
  • Take the dogs for a walk
  • Put the laundry away
  • Clean the bathroom
  • find trivia quizes for your down time at work
  • meditate for 10 min tonight
  • Dont look at your phone after 7 tonight

Seems like normal routine stuff, but I haven’t done any of it in weeks. My laundry is still in the dryer, my bathroom is filthy (and I live with a boy and two dogs), I never make time for myself, it has gotten bad. I need to make a goal to do my lists. I do well with lists. Writing things down and crossing them off works for me. I just need to do it. I dont want to go on medication. I cannot afford to talk to anyone. I need to do this for me.

I got this. List = change. One day at a time. That is all I have control over. By having lists I am trying to focus on the now. Not stressing over the future, or why I dont know what I want to do, or my relationship. I am focused on now and what I can do. All simple tasks. But when I complete them, at the end of the day I can say ” I did it “.

That in its self is an accomplishment.

Change is Coming: My Motivational Monthly Rant

I have been looking back on the past few months and have noticed that I have become more and more negative. I used to pride myself on being positive and optimistic, easy going and affectionate. But I have changed. Negative thinking has changed me.

Ever since my hearing scare in November I have been struggling. Struggling with my health, my weight, my finances, my purpose, my place, everything. Just when I feel like I have a grip, something else happens. I have let myself slip into a negative tornado of dust. Spinning uncontrollably, unable to breath. It has to stop. My storm is still spinning, but the negative thinking has to stop.

I know there are many times I have said “today is the day”, but each time I am tested and fail. The way I look at it is every time we try something and fail, we learn something. I have learned something every time I have tried to be positive. It is not easy. It is a daunting task that is ongoing. It only takes one little thing to brake the gates that hold back the negative thoughts. Just one thing, could be a look from a stranger, cloths that don’t fit, telling someone your profession when you are not proud of it, being at your job that you are not proud of,  being late on rent (again). No matter how hard you try something comes up and reminds you of the lame reality you live in.

Change is hard, but nothing worth having is easy. The last few weeks I have been mad a the universe. I am mad that I have to go through these things when my perfect siblings don’t. People keep telling me they will go through their own demons, but still. It is not fair. Life is not fair. Karma doesn’t come around. You create your own reality. I have been sitting her waiting for life to bring me things. Waiting for the universe to give me my dose of karma. Waiting does nothing. I need to create my own reality. I am in charge.

I can do this. I can change my life. I am working on it the best I know how. Hope is the only thing keeping me going. My belief that there is more to life than this, is the only thing keeping me dreaming. I believe there is something more out there. I believe there is a purpose or level of satisfaction that I can reach. I am tired of being here. I am tired of not having what I want. I am tired of working 3 jobs and not being able to afford rent. I am tired!

A part of me is so pissed at the world that I am about to scream. I am about to break out into BITCH mode and take what is mine. (In a positive, legal way of course). I have hit the breaking point. I am done. I am ready for the biggest and brightest. I am ready to jump. I am ready to have a job with 401K options, I am ready to buy a home, I am ready to have friends, true friends, I am ready to get married, have kids, travel the world.

It is time to live not struggle!

Change is coming.

 

I am there

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Have you ever been so stressed out that when someone asks how things are going you just cry.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed that you cannot hold it together but cant tell any one because you feel like they dont want to hear it any more from you.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed that your hair is falling out in the shower in clumps.

I am there.

Have you ever just been so stressed you dont know how long you can keep it together.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed you start stressing about how it is effecting your brain.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed your smile cannot hide the pain any more.

I am there.

I cried at work today because someone asked how my second job was going. I smiled and said “good” and started crying… for no reason. I pulled myself together (after 5 min of crying in the bathroom) and walked back out and she hugged me. I cried again. I went to my car and prayed. I dont know what to do.

I am here.

 

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