Today I didn’t try to hide my processor.
Though I have not intentionally hiding it, I have been tucking it under my hair when ever possible.
When I got done at the gym today, I re did my hair and was getting frustrated with it. I finally put it on top of my hair and continued to get ready. It was not until that moment that I realized that I was indeed “hiding” the fact that I had a CI.
It took me some time to figure out why I would do this. I have never hid my hearing aids or been ashamed of them. At least tell that very moment I didn’t think so.
We all go through life wanting to be liked and accepted. Society has a standard of what is cool and what isn’t. Not once have I seen a model with a CI. Or a commercial with someone who is Deaf. I think maybe because I could get by as hearing before all of this is what is effecting me. Before the big hearing loss of 2015 I could get by as a hearing person. No one knew I had bilateral hearing aids.
Since then it has been more challenging. Now more than ever I have needed help re learning how to hear. This is different. I never meant to hide my CI but deep down I think I did. I dont want people to look at me different. I dont want people to freak out because I have a magnet on my head. You would think that after 32 years you would get over this fear of wanting to be accepted.
My goal for this year was to move forward and face my fears. Today I am facing my fears and showing off my CI. No more hiding in fear. Maybe I can help a young girl who has a CI be more confident, maybe I can help a parent that has a child with a CI know it will be ok, maybe I can spark a conversation with a stranger who is genuinely curious. Hiding prevents opportunities from finding you.
Today I had my second mapping for my CI and it was amazing. The past week has been exhausting. Every day people sound different and I hear new things. Between robots and chipmunks, I cant help but giggle at my own voice.
Today though. Today was different. The past week I downloaded a audio book. I was told that if you listen to the book and read it at the same time as you listen, you can determine better what sounds you are not hearing or processing correctly. To my surprise, I was not getting “W” sounds. I would read the word “world” but through the audio book it would be something completely different.
I told my audiologist and she said my mid frequencies were too low. Through some minor adjustments in the mid tones and I am a whole new women. It still sounds robotic and or chipmunk like, but I can distinguish so many more sounds. It is mind blowing the difference that made! Then they put me in the sound booth.
If you remember from before Single Word Repetition in my left ear with a hearing aid I could only get 30% of the words correct. Sentence Repetition was 80%. Today we did only sentence repetition with just my CI and I got 98%!!!!!!!! I only missed 3 words out of 135! I am BEAMING!
Now I know that I am very good at using context to put things together but this is still really huge! I am so glad I listed to the advice of my peers (sister especially) for the audio book and all the amazing support they have given me!
This journey is just beginning and I am already so excited for all the future holds! I know all journeys have rough patches but I am so ready to overcome anything that comes my way! Bring on that treasure!
We all have days where we want to give up, when the clouds come in, when the lemons keep coming. Well, yesterday was one of those days. I cried, and cried hard. I kept sobbing “I am so sick of these f***ing lemons!” I cried before and after my workout in my car, for a good half hour. I know what it is like to give up and I know it is not easier, though at the time it always feels like it. I had to keep reminding myself of this. I had to keep reminding myself that it can always be worse. I had to keep reminding myself that I have a plan in place. I had to keep telling myself that I am strong enough. It was a continuous battle.
These lemons are just distractions that keep us from moving forward. Even when I feel like giving up (like yesterday), I told myself to just cry for a bit, take a moment to feel this. Lets face it, life sucks. It really sucks. It is OK to feel sorry for yourself. It is OK to have pity party, because you know what, no one else is going to feel bad for you! Cry it out! Yell! Scream! Growl! Just be sure to pick up some salt and tequila when you are done.
Put your big kid pants on, take a seat, and do some shots (figure of speech). We cannot control everything in life but we can control how we react to it. Crying is normal, it is an act of strength. But we cannot stay at your pity party. We HAVE to move forward.
I get it. Trust me. It is not easy. I cannot change my hearing. It is not getting better. It is effecting EVERYTHING in my life. I cannot even get laser hair removal (TMI), that I have wanted for a long time, because of the meds that are supposedly supposed to give me my hearing back. It is effecting my relationships with my friends because I am too suborn to ask them to repeat things more than twice. It is effecting my job because I cannot hear in the conference room. It is effecting my ability to make friends at the gym (my only social interaction) because I cannot wear my hearing aids at the gym. It is effecting my relationship with my hunny because I am angry all the time. So I try to not be angry and that stresses me out, creating more anxiety. To top it off I have other medical problems, along with two other surgeries for my pup!
Trust, me I get it.
I have my fair share of Lemons, and I am sick of F***ing lemonade. But I have my little pity party, cry it out, then I put on my big kid pants. I grab some tequila and salt and say Bring IT!
The Law of Attraction states that we need to Ask for what we want, Believe we have it, and then we will Receive it. They say to start small with a parking spot, or a cup of coffee. But what I want is more than that. I know I can have it. I truly believe that the universe can bring it to me. However, I need to be 100% in line to receive it. Staying in that frequency is not easy.
Every morning I wake up and my hearing is different. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. When it is worse it get nervous, angry, and frustrated. It dictates my attitude for that day. It is very hard to get me out of that mind set. I know that if I don’t change my mind set and get on that frequency the universe is not going to bring me what I want. Knowing this I get more frustrated at myself and it is a downhill spiral.
I am trying to utilize the visualization process. I visualize myself sitting in the hearing booth taking my test. The audiologist comes out and looks shocked. She gets the Dr and he re gives me the test. Shocked as well he comes in to tell me that my hearing is normal. Like 100% in the normal range. I try to feel how excited and emotionally overwhelmed I would be. I try and feel the relief, disbelief, amazement, and excitement I would feel. I have printed out a audio-gram, on that I want my hearing to look like. I look at it at work every day. I imagine the ear piercings I would get if I didnt have hearing aids. I believe this miracle can happen.
Every day that I wake up without hearing , I feel like I push myself farther and farther away from my miracle. I have a hard time asking, believing, and letting it go to the universe. You rely on your hearing every day. Because it causes so much frustration and struggle when you cannot hear, I am constantly reminded that the universe has not delivered my miracle to me.
I dont know the answer. I dont know how it will happen. Practice makes perfect I guess.
I will get my hearing back.
It is a big wish but size doesn’t matter to the universe.
Today is a blissful day. Started out like the past few had a hard time hearing in the AM, got the dogs ready, went to work, had a great attitude, did some new years cleaning at the desk done. Since I went to the chiropractors on Saturday I have been more aware of my posture (and how bad it is), so today I moved my monitors up and adjusted my seat a bit. I did some posture strengthening exercises and tried really hard to get it righ. For most of the day I was online looking at positive affirmations and quotes to keep my mind busy. ( I know the life of a receptionist) But what changed my day for me was when I answered the phone.
Before my SSNHL thing I usually answered the phone with my left ear. Because my hearing was effected in that ear for the past two weeks I have been answering with my right. Today I answers with my left on accident…. and I could hear!!!! Before it was all robotic and muffed. Today it is clear. I can hear!!! I am so grateful for that one phone call. I am so happy that it is getting better!!!! I am so grateful to hear my dog wine, my boyfriends video game, the crazy lady at the football game behind me! I cannot even tell you how thankful I am today.
I am doing everything in my power to be grateful and not think about anything else. I am listening to my fingers hit the key board. (yes I am a clunky typer). I am listening to the dishwasher run, the neighbors run up the stairs, the sound of my breath. All positive thoughts all amazing things I took for granted. I am so blessed.
Is it the Steroids? My Posture? My positive outlook?
It could be a beautiful mixture of all three! All I know is I am not stopping. My steroid medication is almost done. I see the chiropractor on Friday. And every day of my life I am going to strive to be positive and find a new way to live a stress free life.
I am a success story. I do believe. I am a miracle!