I have spent the last few days binge watching a few of the movie series I have in my house. I started with Harry Potter (yes all 7 of them), the Matrix, then Batman (with Christian Bale). All movies with people who endure hardships, much worse than mine, and they never give up. A few quotes from each movie really stuck with me.
We have both light and dark in us. It is what we choose to act on that determines who we really are. ~ Sirius Black
Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick our selves back up. ~Alfred
My last post was full of hate and negativity. I was in a place that I didn’t want to be in. I am still there, but my view of it has changed. I thought it would be easier to live in that negative world, I thought it would be easier to just not care. However, I quickly learned that it is not easier. It hurts more, you only find more to be upset about. You never really give up. You want to, oh do you want to. But there is something inside that fights you. Fights against everything you have. Believe it or not it makes it harder to be negative and hateful.
We all have choices. I chose to be on the dark side. However, I still have light in me. I still have a spark. I dont know what this spark is, but I have felt it. It is the only thing keeping me going. It is the real me I have been searching for. The reason for my existence and it is fighting to stay alive.
Why do we fall? We fall to find our spark. We fall and keep falling until we realize that we have much to live for. We have a purpose. It is that one thing that fights you when you want to give up. It is that choking feeling you get when you cry out in pain and anger. It is that gut feeling that even though it is dark something, just something is out there that is good. That hope that something will change.
I have noticed in all of these movies every main character has a crazy grandma (Moana), a crazy mentor (Morphous, Dumbledore), or a care taker (Alfred) that pushes them to be the best they can be. They push them to do that one crazy thing, hold onto that one glimmer of hope. They hold them up when all they can do is look down. After watching Moana I thought about who that would be for me. My family is crazy but my grandparents are very logical, my best friend is in the same boat as me, and I don’t really have a mentor. But I do have my Christopher. My Christopher, who has been my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my positive force of light. He has been everything for me. No matter what my mind set has been he has always been there.
I have not been that person for him. If things were turned and he was the one being negative I don’t know if I could have been as strong as him. But he is my light. He is my little spark. He is the reason that I am still going. Because of him I have not given up. He makes me smile, laugh, feel uncomfortable. He makes me do things I would never think of doing. I holds my hand when a Disney movie makes me cry. He is positive even when we are at rock bottom. I have to do this for him. Someday the tables may turn and I need to be strong for him.
I have to change I want to change. I had to fall to learn who believes in me. I had to fall to learn how to be a positive force. We all fall. It is how we choose to get up that makes up who we are.