Author: Jessica

Hello world. I am just a girl trying to find her place in this world. I am always looking for my next big adventure. I am currently learning the ways of the Law of Attraction and like to blog about my successes and failures within that journey.

Make Lists, Make Change

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With the rain today I finally have come to a realization, I am depressed. I have finally lost all motivation to do the things I love. People are finally sick of me talking about being worthless. I dont want to get up in the morning. I cant pretend any more. I am depressed.

I was reading a article today about Kristen Bell, and how she struggled with Depression. A successful, rich, beautiful woman is depressed. She seems to have all the things that I feel I am depressed about. Yet she is still depressed. She mentioned how  depression is about your self worth. How you feel about yourself. I keeps saying if I had money my problems would go away, or if I would just loose weight I would feel better, or if I new what I wanted to do with my life I would be happy. Kristen made me realize that it has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with how I feel about me.

My boyfriend got an amazing job opportunity a few weeks ago. He is so excited about it. He deserves it. He works hard, he is always positive, he never complains. He totally deserves ever dollar, and opportunity he is getting. I am excited for him too. I am so happy for him. Our financial situation will be better too. But in my head I am saying “why not me?When is my break? Am I not a good person?  Do people not want me? ”

I know I shouldn’t think this way, but I do. He has 10 plus years in his field. He is very skilled. I have skills too…. just not specialized like his. I cant even talk about it to him any more. I cant even pretend to be happy, and I can tell it is getting to him. Our relationship is fine, our intimacy is not. Our conversations are stale. He still loves me, but he is stressed too. With the rain and thunder today, I have decided to make list, to make a change.

I have to change. I dont want to be here. I need to change my state of mind. I need to keep busy so I dont focus on the negatives. I have a ton of stuff I “could” do but dont because I dont feel like it. But today is different. I HAVE to. Just like the rain HAS to come and be dark, the only difference is that the rain passes. It is time to make this pass. I am going to do so with lists.

Here is my list for today:

  • Write a Blog
  • Take a Photo
  • Take the dogs for a walk
  • Put the laundry away
  • Clean the bathroom
  • find trivia quizes for your down time at work
  • meditate for 10 min tonight
  • Dont look at your phone after 7 tonight

Seems like normal routine stuff, but I haven’t done any of it in weeks. My laundry is still in the dryer, my bathroom is filthy (and I live with a boy and two dogs), I never make time for myself, it has gotten bad. I need to make a goal to do my lists. I do well with lists. Writing things down and crossing them off works for me. I just need to do it. I dont want to go on medication. I cannot afford to talk to anyone. I need to do this for me.

I got this. List = change. One day at a time. That is all I have control over. By having lists I am trying to focus on the now. Not stressing over the future, or why I dont know what I want to do, or my relationship. I am focused on now and what I can do. All simple tasks. But when I complete them, at the end of the day I can say ” I did it “.

That in its self is an accomplishment.

Change is Coming: My Motivational Monthly Rant

I have been looking back on the past few months and have noticed that I have become more and more negative. I used to pride myself on being positive and optimistic, easy going and affectionate. But I have changed. Negative thinking has changed me.

Ever since my hearing scare in November I have been struggling. Struggling with my health, my weight, my finances, my purpose, my place, everything. Just when I feel like I have a grip, something else happens. I have let myself slip into a negative tornado of dust. Spinning uncontrollably, unable to breath. It has to stop. My storm is still spinning, but the negative thinking has to stop.

I know there are many times I have said “today is the day”, but each time I am tested and fail. The way I look at it is every time we try something and fail, we learn something. I have learned something every time I have tried to be positive. It is not easy. It is a daunting task that is ongoing. It only takes one little thing to brake the gates that hold back the negative thoughts. Just one thing, could be a look from a stranger, cloths that don’t fit, telling someone your profession when you are not proud of it, being at your job that you are not proud of,  being late on rent (again). No matter how hard you try something comes up and reminds you of the lame reality you live in.

Change is hard, but nothing worth having is easy. The last few weeks I have been mad a the universe. I am mad that I have to go through these things when my perfect siblings don’t. People keep telling me they will go through their own demons, but still. It is not fair. Life is not fair. Karma doesn’t come around. You create your own reality. I have been sitting her waiting for life to bring me things. Waiting for the universe to give me my dose of karma. Waiting does nothing. I need to create my own reality. I am in charge.

I can do this. I can change my life. I am working on it the best I know how. Hope is the only thing keeping me going. My belief that there is more to life than this, is the only thing keeping me dreaming. I believe there is something more out there. I believe there is a purpose or level of satisfaction that I can reach. I am tired of being here. I am tired of not having what I want. I am tired of working 3 jobs and not being able to afford rent. I am tired!

A part of me is so pissed at the world that I am about to scream. I am about to break out into BITCH mode and take what is mine. (In a positive, legal way of course). I have hit the breaking point. I am done. I am ready for the biggest and brightest. I am ready to jump. I am ready to have a job with 401K options, I am ready to buy a home, I am ready to have friends, true friends, I am ready to get married, have kids, travel the world.

It is time to live not struggle!

Change is coming.

 

I am there

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Have you ever been so stressed out that when someone asks how things are going you just cry.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed that you cannot hold it together but cant tell any one because you feel like they dont want to hear it any more from you.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed that your hair is falling out in the shower in clumps.

I am there.

Have you ever just been so stressed you dont know how long you can keep it together.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed you start stressing about how it is effecting your brain.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed your smile cannot hide the pain any more.

I am there.

I cried at work today because someone asked how my second job was going. I smiled and said “good” and started crying… for no reason. I pulled myself together (after 5 min of crying in the bathroom) and walked back out and she hugged me. I cried again. I went to my car and prayed. I dont know what to do.

I am here.

 

Photo Credit : www.personal.psu.edu500 × 368Search by image

Is Faith the Missing Piece?

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I have always been a spiritual person. Some times more than others. When things were good I went to church for the music, to de-stress and hear a good word. But once I was “saved” the word didn’t do anything for me. I didn’t get the same meditative clarification. My pastor was a great evangelist. He was great at bringing people in and getting them excited, but he didnt do well at keeping people involved. He lost me because of it. I would google messages online and listen to CD’s in the car but it wasnt the same. I didnt get the same feeling, the same peace.

Now I have hit a new bottom and cant see the light at the top. I have never been here before. I keep asking myself, is it because I dont go to church any more, is it because I am running from my family, is it because I dont pray every night like I used to, am I not grateful enough? Where did I go wrong?

Maybe the answer is to just have faith. Faith: to have a strong belief or trust in someone or something, with confidence. No where does it say that you HAVE to go to church, or pray, or be grateful to have faith. Faith is just trust. Trusting in something bigger that we are. Trusting that something somewhere has your back. The universe, God, aliens, our inner self, what ever. Faith is believing everything will be alright.

I think I dont have Faith because I havent had anything I have wanted to happen, happen. (I sound like a spoiled child). I dont trust that anything I want will happen. Trust is that feeling I had when I was “saved”. It was a comforting, clarifying, zen feeling that took all the worries away. I had a sense of peace. Now I am so stressed that my hair is thinning, my body is squishy, and I am depressed.

Now how do I get back to the girl I was? Is this what life is? Is this what people do? Is this reality? I dont want to believe it. I refuse!

I dont think Church is the answer, I think it is all in my mind. I need to find a way to place my faith, my trust in something I cannot see. Something I dont understand. Something that hasnt worked that last few times. Faith.

We all know that photo with the two guys digging to a diamond mine. The one guy gives up right before he hits the diamonds, and the other guy keeps going. The caption goes something like “Dont give up you are closer than you think.” I dont want to be the guy to give up, but I also dont want to be the guy who keeps digging and never finds it. How do you know the difference? When is it too much?

Is this a test or a sign? Is it a test of my faith or a sign to call it quits? Have I failed or am I almost there? How do you know? What is the balance? What is the answer? Faith, blind faith can only get you so far.

Faith is it the answer?

 

 

Daily Affirmations: the LIES we tell ourselves

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Affirmations: A statement said with CONFIDENCE about a perceived TRUTH.

I wrote a post a wile back that talked about feeling your daily affirmations. It has been a while since I have wrote that and I feel like I am still in the same boat… ok not really, I have been kicked off the boat and I am drowning. I feel like things have not gotten better and my anxiety and stress are through the roof. By saying all these positive things, and felling the positive words flow through me, aren’t I supposed to feel better for longer than 30 seconds.

Today I feel like I am about to break. I feel like I am so burnt out, stressed out, and just down right depressed. I took a few moments this morning to look back on the week to see where it all went to shit, and noticed that there have been some really negative people in my life lately. There is this guy at my day job that is likes to talk, and is normally really fun to talk to, but lately he has been venting all his problems to me. Me being the nice person I am, listened and indulged in his drama filled story tell the end. By the time he walked away I felt so angry and drained. I felt I needed a hot shower to get the negativeness off of me. He drained me of all the positive energy I had. Then, at my second job there is this gal that is a young army mom, that has this job to get away from the drama at home. All she does is vent about her kids and how her husband doesn’t know how to handle them when she is not there. Now I get she probably doesn’t have many friends, and she needs time to let off steam, but dang it took all my energy not to slap her and tell her to shut up!

I am a nice person. I am a great listener and give great positive advice. These are two traits about myself that I love.  But lately I have attracted some very negative people to me. I HAVE ATTRACTED THEM TO ME! Knowing that I attracted them to myself, I knew that something was wrong with the way I was thinking.

The definition of Affirmation is: a statement we say with confidence about a perceived truth. We need to say our affirmations with confidence, and FEEL the words being said. I have written blog post about this, I feel I have this part down. However, the second part is where I think I am getting it wrong. The part about the truth. This is where I am failing, and this is probably why positive affirmations are not working for me. I don’t believe what I am saying. When I say ” I am am money magnet”, I feel the positiveness, I imagine the money in my account, but a little voice in my head says “not a very strong one apparently”. Or I look my self in the mirror after saying it and say “sooner than later please”. I don’t believe it is going to happen. I feel like what I am saying to myself is a lie. Lying is not a positive trait. I am trying to be positive by lying to myself. If I know an affirmations is a lie why would I believe it.I need to find a way to say affirmations that I believe are true.

Instead of saying “I am a money Magnet” I am now going to say ” I allow the financial abundance to flow into my life”. This way it is a choice for me. When the money comes I will allow it to come into my life. Logical right. I am not a weak magnet that will hopefully get money to come to me. I am declaring that money is coming, and when it does I will accept it graciously.

Instead of saying ” I am 128 lb beautiful woman” I will now say ” I am healthy and I allow my body to return to its natural vibrant health.” Again a choice. I am allowing my body to change into a healthy version of itself. I am not overpowered by the number or how my cloths fit. I am simply healthy and health is drawn to me.

I cannot lie to myself anymore. I am attracting negative people in my life and I don’t have time for it. I want fun, vibrant, exciting people in my life. I want to celebrate milestones with people, I want to laugh with people. Don’t get me wrong, people can come to me with problems and I will listen and make it the best of the situation, but it wont drain me! No more lies! I am going to make these affirmations work for me!  I believe them. They are truths I am speaking into my life!

Be confident and believe what you are saying! That in itself is a positive thing!

The Power of Choices

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There are millions of quotes on life and millions of programs to help you figure out what your purpose is. There are even more motivational movements and empowering stories. But even with all this positive enforcement, with all this information we have available to us, I find it is impossible to follow unless we make one definitive decision.

With all these programs, Life Coaches, and self-help books, we have an unlimited un-excusable amount of information to help us live the life of our dreams. So why are we not doing it. Why isn’t everyone living their dream life? Why are we sitting here in debt up to our eyeballs, day dreaming at our desk, wishing for that better life?

I believe it is because most of us are unable to make that one defining decision. We all want out of this mess, there is no denying that. We all want to live like Kim and Kanye. We all want to not struggle. We are just unable to make the ONE defining decision that will change our life. It is just one Decision and we cannot seem to make it. That decision is defining that ONE THING we want to do in life and doing it.

That’s it, decide what we want to do and do it.

Fear is an amazing emotion. It is so powerful and can be used in so many ways. I believe that fear is the main reason most of us cannot make this definitive choice. I personally have the fear of making the wrong choice. I have so many things that I am good at, and make me happy. How do you choose just one? I feel most of us are in this boat. We all have so many grand ideas of what we want to do or be, it seem impossible to just pick one. It’s not because we are indecisive, or don’t have time, or don’t think we can do it. It is because we are afraid it will be the wrong choice.

What if this isn’t the right job. Or the right field. Or the right direction. It is scary to think all that hard work will be for nothing and we will live forever in regret for making that choice.

The thing we need to realize is that once we make the decision and stick with it, the universe conspires to make it happen. If we choose one thing and stick with it tell the end the universe will work fast to get it to you. If you don’t back out and go all ahead full, you will get what you ask for quickly. Once you have it you can only THEN can you decide if this is what you wanted. If not start the process over again.

I have always admired my boyfriend for his ability to make decisions. He is always so confident and definitive, never an ounce of regret. I finally asked him how he does it and his answer surprised me. He said “I just pick one. I think it would be awesome to be a Carpenter, or an Engineer, or even starting my own business would be great! But I picked Construction Management and that is what I am going to do for now. At least tell the next opportunity comes along.”

Boom. Mind. Blown.

He is just like me, he has dreams of doing more than just one thing, he thinks there are a number of jobs that he would be amazing at. He just picked one and is going 100%! I was listening to Lori Harder a motivational speaker and life coach the other day and her message was; follow your curiosities because they will lead you to opportunities and people that have the same curiosities. By meeting new people you get opened up to new opportunities. So by sticking with one thing, and going balls to the walls with it, you never know who or what will come from it.

Now the hard part. Picking one.

There is no wrong answer, just solutions. Once you try one way, you find out one of two things. 1. You love what you do and it is your purpose, or 2. This is great but not what I want to do forever. You have ANSWERS! You crossed one off the list. You tried it, you made memories from it, you learned from it. Use those things to attract the next thing to you! Who cares if you are wrong? If you go 100% it will happen fast enough for you to change your mind and try again. Or it will lead you to someone that has an opportunity that would not have been available if you hadn’t done it.

The key is, to make the choice and go 100% with it.

Don’t look back. Just go. Do it with the passion and enthusiasm that you have made the right choice. Think about all the doors that will open and people you will meet. Step one is making the choice. Step two is doing it 100%. Step three is deciding that it is or is not your purpose.

Now for me to just take my own advice.

GO!

Spring is Coming, so is Change!

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This Easter I went to my Grandparents in Boston with my sister. We saw family we havent seen in years. It was great to see them and catch up, but I wasnt myself. I noticed that I was very closed off, I was watching what I said, and I sat in the back of the room. I was not confident at all. I felt like I had nothing worth wile to say or brag about. I have a mediocre job, I have gained weight, and have no plans to change it. Who would want to talk to me? What good do I have to share? That is when I realized I need to change.

Spring is a time of renewal. Trees bud, animals have babies, snow melts and reveals the beauty it was hiding. We can open the windows and let the old air out, clean under the things we put out for Christmas, and start new. Today, after reflecting on how I acted and how everyone acted around me, I have decided to make a change.

I know you have heard me say this before, but it takes time. I have changed a lot in  the past 6 months. My mind mostly has become more clear and positive. But today is different. When I started my blogg I also started a Manifestation Shopping List. It is a list of all the things I want to attract into my life. I dont look at it often but I do add to it. Today I looked at it and read what I had written down when I first started. I was amazed that I could cross some things off that list. With out thought I had accomplished and attracted things to me! I was shocked that I had changed things in my life! Here I was feeling like nothing was changing and I was stuck in this rut, but slowly and surly it is changing.

Here are a few things that I have checked off.

  • Regained my hearing
  • Traveled to see Grandma
  • Traveled to see Lou
  • Traveled to see Chuck and Kathy
  • Find a Career at HD (they called me this weekend)
  • Put my dogs through Doggie Day Care (Had them watched by a Pet sitter this weekend)
  • Started a support group for people with SSNHL on facebook

Small things, but things I didnt think were possible 6 months a go. Now I still have a few things on the list to check off but the fact that I am checking things off is progress! It made me feel like I was doing something right. I was on  the right path. Which in turn motivates me to do more.

Like the buds on the tree. Beautiful things take time to grow. The conditions need to be just right and they need to be strong enough to push through. No matter how slow you go, keep thinking positively and doing little things to change. The little things make a difference!

Spring is coming, so is change!

Start that second job! Start that blogg! Go for that run! Sign up for that gym! Open that bank account! Make that Vision Board! Apply for that Job! Read that Book! Make that Call! Start somewhere! Start doing something! One little thing can change everything! The ripple effect!

GO! Change! Do!

 

Daily Question

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I have never been here before.

I have never been this depressed.

I have never been this heavy.

I have never been this stressed out.

I have never been this lost.

I have never been this confused.

I have never been this old.

I have never been this BROKE.

I have never been so unsure about life.

I have never felt this feeling.

I have never walked this path.

Why am I so hard on my self if I have never been through these things before?

Baby Talk

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This lady at my work had gotten a new puppy recently and was having some issues with her. She was biting my coworker out of play, but it was getting to a point that it was getting too aggressive. My coworker was so upset that she was contemplating taking her back to the adoption agency. She had tried puppy training, but it wasn’t helping. It was getting more frequent and more aggressive. With her family to think of as well, she was getting discouraged. Trying to make her decision easier I told her about our puppy Penny.  Penny wasn’t a good fit for our family, and we ended up taking her back because of it. It was the hardest decision we have ever made but ultimately one of the best. (*Penny is now with a loving family that could give her the attention she needed). Seeing some relief in her face, she said she would make a decision that night.

She came back to me the next day and I immediately asked her what she decided. She then told me the most bizarre thing I have ever heard. She said she sat down and talked to her dog about the situation. (Ya! Weird Right). She said she sat down and talked to her dog about how that behavior would get her sent back. She said the puppy had the saddest eyes when she told her this, and every moment after she was calm and happy puppy. She talked to her dog and it worked.

I am telling you this story, not to say dogs understand humans, but because it show you the power of words. No matter the species you talk to, your words have a vibration and frequency.

When I got home that night I started noticing how I talked to my dogs. We have a pudgier one that I talk to in a happy voice (similar to how you would talk to a baby) and I say “your so fat I love you but you are so fat.” To our other dog I found myself saying, “I love you you little shit” every time he did something wrong. Imagine if someone said those things to you. No matter how nice the tone of voice you would be upset. You would feel awful and would lash out in anger, frustration, or just plain hurt. Ever since then I have changed the way I talk to my dogs. I call them handsome, and strong, I talk to them and explain why they shouldn’t pee on the couch or sit on their brother. I tell them I love them and just smile.

Again, I am not saying that dogs understand humans, what I am saying is that words have a frequency. A frequency that can be felt by everyone and everything. I have talked before about FEELING your daily affirmations. this is how it works!  You should never talk to yourself in baby talk. “Your so cute with your chubby cheeks, yes you are. Oh my goodness look at those chubby legs!” Even in the most positive tone of voice this would never make you feel good! You need to intentionally Fake it tell you Make it! Really find one thing you love about yourself and tell your self daily that is is amazing. Tell yourself you are great the way you are now! Talk to yourself with pride! Talk to yourself with passion!

When I first started my journey on the Law of Attraction, one of my daily affirmations was “I have a beautiful, Healthy, 128lb body”. A great thing to say but in my head I new the real number the scale showed. It is always good to have a goal and to proclaim it, but don’t dwell on it. I have since changed this affirmation to “I have a beautiful, healthy, strong body”. I focus on things that are, not things that will be. I don’t dwell on the number that I know is not there. I focus on the little things I know to be true and I really do love about myself. I love my eyes, my hair, my teeth. I focus on the good things I know I have.

For the past few days I have been talking good things into my dogs as well, and I have noticed a slight change in their behavior. They want to cuddle more, they calm down when we are on the couch, and walks have been more pleasant. (Small things but they matter).  When talking to myself… well it has only been a few days… but my mind set has definitely changed. I feel I focused on the things that are. It allows me to be present, it makes me more positive towards myself and others. It makes me more aware of how I talk to others including myself. By doing this I am putting myself on a positive frequency to bring more good things too me.

It is amazing what you can learn when you pay attention. Even if is just to your pets.

 

Photo by: www.truthinsideofyou.org

Do you want to build a snowman? Yes you want to build a snowman, and here’s why!

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Yes, I am referring to the Disney movie Frozen, and yes you do want to build a snowman. Here is why. While I was watching Frozen over the weekend I couldn’t help but notice that I had some strange similarities with the character Elsa. (No I cannot create an ice castle with an abominable snowman guard). I am Elsa in the since that I am afraid of life and want to shut everyone out.

I have a fear that I am not going to find my career and I am going to be stuck in this rut forever. I am holding myself back so I cannot hurt anyone by being my weird self.  I am holding back so no one can judge me for being me. I am keeping my wonderful abilities (powers) to my self. Every opportunity I have (Anna knocking on the door) I tend to over think and pass over. Now, I am afraid that I wont have any more opportunities because I ignored so many before (Anna stops knocking). I want to break free (Like Elsa did when she sung Let It Go) and travel the world. Leave all my troubles here and just go, see, and find new things. When Elsa did this she was herself, she was happy, she was free.

As wonderful as the song sounds, we all know running away is not the answer. Though we are free to do and see what we want, our problems will eventually catch up to us (thanks Olaf). Elsa in the beginning used her powers to protect herself from her self. She had never fully used her powers before and didn’t know what she was truly capable of. She had only used her powers out of fear. This is how I feel. I am good at a lot of things but I am afraid to show them.

I want to shut my self out from everyone, loose 15lbs, and find myself again by traveling.  I know that eventually all my problems will come back, but at least I will look good and have memories to share. But then I think this would be very lonely, and I have a wonderful boyfriend and two amazing dogs that I would miss dearly. It wouldn’t be worth it to leave them. (Plus I think they would all go out on a quest like Anna and try to find me. They love me that much!) What I need to do is learn to find my self in the now. I need to be able to be myself no matter what happens in my life. How do you ask?  I will Build A Snowman!

I know this is cheesy but the moral of the Frozen story,like many Disney Movies, is only true love can break the curse. Love. In the Law of Attraction Love is the highest frequency and Walt new this. You need to do everything with Love. Once Elsa realizes this she uses Love to save the day (She unfreezes Arendelle and gains a family)! We need to say Yes to the opportunities that get presented to us (Build that snow man), say yes to trying new things (open the gates), say yes to being your self (don’t hold back your powers)! People are going to judge you no matter what (not everyone likes snow). But who cares, they can move! Your happy that’s all that matters! Master the gifts (powers) you have. Use them for good not evil. You never know what your powers may be good for. (An ice skating rink in the middle of a palace is always good). They were given to you, and only you, for a reason.

I need to not fear what I am now, and start becoming what I know I can be. I need to learn how to be myself now in this time in my life and not run away. I need to not over think opportunities and take them. I need to learn to live my life in the now. I need to learn to LOVE myself now. If I don’t I will end up locked up in a room alone, cold, and afraid. I don’t want to be Elsa. I want to be Anna. Bold. Alive. Innocent. Excited. Strong.

I want to build a snow man. Yes, I want to build snowman. Come on lets try.  (You know you sung that) 🙂

Photo by Jessica Bruha