Tag: faith

The Dark Side

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Today/Tonight is supposed to be a night filled with reflection and hope. A night filled with excitement and goal setting. But for me, for me it is a day I realized that I have fallen deeper into the hole I have been running from. I told myself a few months back that I wasn’t going to blog unless I had something positive to say. Well not a lot has changed and I have been very quite. I decided to stay quiet because I new no one would listen. No one wants to listen to someone be negative. I know I don’t want too. Well, I have officially fallen to the dark side and I am going to tell the world about it.

This time last year we were in a rough spot. I lost my hearing, I was on this awful medication, we were broke, but we had Hope. We had a flame full of hope and adventure. We were in a new place we had all these new things around us. New places, new jobs, new beginnings. I had $12000 in the bank, a great credit score, and all the faith in the world that everything would be ok.

Today, I woke up to more overdraft fee charges, $60 in the bank, and shitty credit. We cannot pay rent, we cannot pay our car payments, nor our credit card bills. We need milk and dog food. I have a job I took for the money, that I HATE. And everyone on social media is reflecting on the wonderful things they are grateful for and have hope for the next year.

This is when I realized my flame has gone out. I have no hope left. My optimism, the very thing I pride myself on having no matter the situation, is gone. I have nothing left to give. I have thought throughout this year I have hit rock bottom a few times, only to have life hit me in the face and say “Ha the hole goes deeper!”. I have been tested. I have been tried. I have failed.

I have recently watched The Return of the Guardians a Dreamwork film with Jack Frost, Santa, the Easter Bunny, and such. They talk about finding your center. Finding what makes you a guardian. What really makes you you. I have wanted to know this for a long time. I have asked for help in finding this. My Family thinks I am crazy and need to be patient, my calling will come. Friends don’t know what to say. Strangers don’t listen, I mean,  who really wants to listen to someone bitch about how shitty their life is. I have followed great minds that I admire like Oprah, Ellen, J.K. Rowlings, Tony Robbins, Law of Attraction, Positive quotes, hoping, no searching for a clue or an way to find an answer. They all say the same thing. Find that one thing that you cant go without, that one thing that makes you happy and you would do for free. Then do it.

My problem is, I don’t know what that is for me.

I dont know how to find that answer. I dont know what I love to do. I love a lot of things. Some of which I would have to go back to school for. Some I would need experience to get into. But none that make me so nervous that I smile at that thought of it. I love traveling. I would love to travel all over the world. See everything. Eat everything. Experience everything. How do I find a job to help me do this? Even if I found a job that allowed me to do this, how do I pay the bills when I am so far in a hole.

I know J.K. Rowlings was older when she hit her fame, same with Ellen and Oprah. But I am at a point where the dark side is taking over. I have lost all hope. I am becoming the Sith lord I was sworn to protect myself against. My boyfriend is a true Jedi. Always hopeful. However the difference between him and I is that he is ok with were we are. I am not. I want out of here, I don’t ever want to be here again. He wants out to but not to the same extent. He is ok with what we have and happy with our family. I want more I know we are better than this. I am in the part of my story where I am talking with the enemy realizing his plan is not so bad. I will be 30 in march and have nothing to show for it.

I am not married, no kids, no home, no career. I have a boyfriend that my whole family hates, I am over weight, broke and unhappy. Now these things in themselves are not bad things but I want my family to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me.

I know that this is the problem. I know I care about how people view me. I shouldn’t but I dont blame them. If I saw me as a TV character, I would judge me as well. I want to travel. I what good credit so I can buy a home. I want a savings account so I can get married, and travel. I want to start a family. I want to have a career I love. Why is it so hard!

I have dreams. Big Dreams. But no Idea how to get them. No Idea how to find my dream job, to pay my bills and pay for my desire to travel. I would love to go back to school. There is so much I would love to learn. I would love to allow my boyfriend to go back to school. He deserves it. He deserves to go to school and study to be an engineer. He deserves someone that loves him for him and doesn’t try to change him. My anger and lack of faith is causing a huge nail in our relationship.

My flame has gone out. I give up. I don’t know how to get out of this mess. The money I make at this job I hate is not enough to get us out of here. I cant do this any more. There is no one left to ask for help. No one left to listen. I have nothing left to give.

I have thought about writing Ellen, Rowlings or Oprah, but I am not looking for a hand out. I am looking for a place to get answers. I am looking for someone to say do this and they can help. Do I need a life coach? Do I need a Financial Planner? Do I need to go back to school? WHAT!?!?!

I just want to know.

I am so tired of trying so hard just to fail.

I have lost the one virtue that I have prided myself on. Optimism. I am too tired. I am sick of trying for nothing.

30 years and nothing but scars to show for it. No home, no kids, no career, no ring. No travel stories. Nothing. Just scars and heart ache.

I am so much more than this.

Surely someone can see that.

Surely someone has an answer.

Whole Damn Fire

In my last post I wrote about how I was afraid of losing my spark. I was afraid that this job was killing me slowly. I was mindlessly surfing facebook when this post caught my attention.

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It was the sign I have been looking for. This may not be the job of my dreams but I cannot let it dull my fire! I cannot let it destroy me! I will not let it get me down! I am a warrior! I have passion and a fiery energy about me! I will not let others take this from me!

I am going into work today ready to conquer it ! I am ready to take on my task and be the best I can be. I am ready to ask questions, initiate meetings, and kick A**!

Some times you just need to stop and look around, the universe is giving you the signs you are asking for. You just need to be paying attention!

 

 

The Fly

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I have been at training for my new job for three days now, and I have been having a hard time accepting my reality. I feel this I am already dreading the job I have to do. I keep reminding myself why I took this job. Why I am here. The goals I have to achieve. But it has not been easy. I keep thinking about how I can do so much better than THIS job.

Throughout my stay here in training (it is out of state) there has been an abundance of Flies everywhere I go. They are in the training room, in the store, in Chilies, in Panara, in the grocery store, in the bank, at the gym, in Starbucks, EVERYWHERE!

I was starting to think it was me (Though I have showered every day I have been here). It was getting so bad that I decided to look up the spiritual meaning behind Flies. Here is what I found.

Reevaluate your thoughts about yourself. You are worth far more than you think!-Fly

If Fly has flown across your path;Know that quick and abrupt changes in your thoughts, emotions and endeavors are afoot. Rapid changes in all aspects of your life are currently happening for you so be prepared to move quickly even in unfavorable and uncomfortable conditions. Fly can also signify an exponentially growing source of abundance is available for you right now. Use your keen eyesight to see the way. Never give up.

Alternatively this insect could be reminding you that your persistence in reaching yourgoals will bare fruit sooner than later. Even if it means annoying others or being selfish for a while – you do have the ability to accomplish your goals.

http://www.spirit-animals.com/fly/

Boom!

I was so shocked. This is my life! This is what I am going through, and this little pest is telling me something!!! I cannot believe a fly would be a positive omen! Abundance, Change, Persistence. I can do this! I can achieve this goal. I need to change my thoughts and get through this. One step at a time.

This little thing is telling me to pay attention. To be aware. Good things are coming.

I needed this today.

Never give up.

Always follow your gut!

 

 

Courage

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“The first step to getting what you want is having the courage to get rid of what you dont.”

The other day I decided to take the job that I have been so afraid of. I wrote a wonderful heart felt two week notice letter to my current employer and let him know that it was for financial reasons that I was leaving. At first he only accepted one week of the two that I offered him. This came to a shock to me because I was under the impression that I was well liked there. Monday morning came around for my last week and I get a call from my HR lady (His secretary) and she informed me that my boss doesn’t think I should come in this week. I was stunned. I had never in my life ever been asked not to work the last two weeks of my job.

For a moment I took it personally. What had I done, where did I go wrong, but then I realized that it had nothing to do with me. My boss is pissed that I left his control. He is upset that I will no longer be there to wait on his hand and foot. He was mad that I know better things are out there.

This quote came to me the day I gave my notice. It didn’t mean anything tell Monday. That job was so toxic and negative that it was draining my ability to grow. I had asked the universe for an opportunity to grow and thrive. The universe had to drop me from this toxic job in order for me to see how awful it was. The universe was listening. I didn’t have the courage to let go of this terrible job that was holding me back. It had to be taken from me. It is now Wednesday and I have done nothing but what I want to do for two days and I am a brand new person!!!

I am working out two times a day. I have time to do my crafts and color. I have time to do laundry when I want to. I have time to watch that movie, or read that book. These next two weeks are all about me and getting my mind back to success mode. Once I start this new job I will be at my old 100% self. Ready to take on the new challenge and thrive!

It was a blessing in disguise. The universe was looking after me. I now know if something is bad for me I shouldn’t linger in it too long. I need to get rid of it and move toward the amazing things that life has to offer.

Here’s to moving forward. Here’s to dropping the dead weight. Here’s to having the courage to keep going!

Let this new journey begin!!!

My Dream Job

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Today I have decided to describe my dream job. I am going to use the power of The Secret and focus my energy onto the things I want.

My job will allow me to work 7-3 Monday through Friday.

My job will pay me $65,000 a year. With paid benefits, paid vacation, and 401k.

I will be surrounded by wonderful, positive, motivated people.

I will be able to work with people and be up and moving most of the day.

I will be able to help people.

I can walk to work if I wanted to.

I will have many opportunities for advancement.

I will have an office with lots of windows and sunlight. I will have a desk with many positive quotes, images, and love on it. The desk will be a light oak, with lots of space for writing. Possibility for a stand up desk option.  A Blue balance ball for a chair. Scented with my peppermint Pink Zebra warmer. A light oak coat rack in the corner. Beautiful scenery photos on the walls.

I will be challenged and supported. Motivated and competitive. With a great team of people to work for.

I will be able to give them the best of what I have to offer every day and get acknowledged for it!

Have my full potential utilized and have new skills to learn.

I got this.

There Universe I asked. I believe this job is out there!

Thank you Thank you Thank you!

 

Fear Is Powerful

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I just had a wonderful follower of mine comment on my resent post, and it really shook me awake. I am so grateful for the comment because they were right. I was stuck in a  negative spot and couldn’t see anything but bad things. I was so afraid that all these things could happen that I forgot to see the flip side of the coin.

Fear is a powerful emotion. It can suck you into deep places and blind you from ever venturing out into the light. I have some of my best memories from overcoming fear. I was terrified to ride a motorcycle, but I got my license and now I am a Harley riding bad ass. I over came my fear of heights and climbed up to a fire watch tower (on these stairs that go over a cliff) and saw the best view of Colorado I have ever seen in my life. Sadly, fear was consuming me yesterday.

All I could see was the bad things that could happen. I had my blinders on and was not looking anywhere but. Yes all these things could happen, but so could a ton of positive things.

This could be an opportunity for me to get out of debt. This could be an opportunity for me to shine and have someone see. Maybe even have someone offer me something bigger and better. This is an opportunity to grow and change. It would provide me and opportunity to maybe move back home. My grateful follower also mentioned that this isn’t forever. I can always quit. I can always find something else. Is is scary? Sure, but nothing is scarier that staying somewhere you don’t belong.

I need to change my thinking. I have been negative for so long it is now my go-to process. I need to change that. I need to rewire my brain to think positive again. This wont be a quick fix but it will be worth it. I am going to write this on my list of things to do. Overcome fear. Do something I am afraid of every day. ….

Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here through my journey. Thank you for encouraging me to be the best I can be.

Faith.

List.

Change.

Boom.

The Things You Notice

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Recently there have been little moments in every day that I have notice myself looking at the optimistic side of things. Whether it be looking at the bright side when someone complains to me, or when I let someone cut in that is being a bi*** driving. It stands out in my mind when it happens. It is weird. Maybe, I am starting to do something right.

The Secret say, what you think becomes things. Every thing you are thinking now is your future, think about that. The one quote that scares me the most is the one that goes:

“Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow”

My answer today is no. But I feel that I have a clearer idea of what I want. I know I want to go back to school to be a Physical Therapist Assistant. I know that I may need to take a shitty yet higher paying job in order to save to go to school. I know that I want to get married in a barn with pumpkins and pie. I know I want twin boys. I know I want to have a Bungalow with a huge porch ( I also know I want in this home). So today, I am trying to focus on these things instead of stressing about what is going wrong in my life.

I dont have a plan per-se, but I know what I need to do. I know I need to go to school to get the job I want. I know that to go to school I need to find a job that pays more so I can save money for school.  It sounds like a plan but I feel like it is a pre-plan. Until I have an acceptance letter to the school, and the money to be able to devote time to school and school only, then and only then will it be a plan. For now it is just a dream.

I want to be closer to the things that I want. I have felt like lately I have been farther from those dreams than I ever have been. The Secret says “don’t focus on the how, just believe that the opportunities will come to you. When they do you need to act.” Well this is hard. I feel like I have not focused on the how for a long time. I was kinda expecting it to just come to me. I was just like “ok I want this and this and this”. But nothing came. I do believe that you need to just trust it will all work out, but you cannot get accepted into a school with out applying. You cannot win the lotto without buying a ticket. There is a little bit of work you need to to in order to get what you want.

So I applied to a school. I applied for FASFA. I sent in my transcripts. I applied for the higher paying (shitty) job. Now all I can do it believe that the universe is working in my favor.Wait. Hope. Pray.

Like I said I did something and now I notice the little optimistic things that I didn’t notice before. They are little but the fact that I am focused on that I am doing them is a sure sign of good things.

One step at a time.

Make List Make Change.

Believe in your dreams.

I got this.

 

“If you have Faith the size of a mustard seed…”

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I have been watching the Olympics this week and I am in awe at the abilities these amazing athlete have. The way they push their bodies to their absolute limits, and than push a little harder. The way they force themselves through the pain. The way they move and bend their bodies in ways I didnt think were possible. It is amazing! They work so hard for this one moment. Training day in and day out just for this one shot. They are truly an inspiration. They dont get enough credit.

I think we have it all wrong in this world. We praise and pay pathetic people like Kim and Kanye West, and  we let people who work hard, like our Olympians, to struggle to make ends meet. We let bad managers become managers because they are sneaky sales people. We keep good managers at shitty jobs because they are not good at sales.  We let the good guys finish last. We let war vets go homeless and lazy people get free stuff from the government. We have it all wrong and it makes it hard for me, a good person, to believe that life gets better than this.

” I am somewhere between giving up and seeing how much more I can take”

I still have hope. I have a small mustard seed of hope. I still believe that life is more than working to pay bills. It has to be. I still dream. Being middle class sucks. I am working to get out of it. Working really hard. I cry a lot, I work all the time, but I keep going. I keep going with the small thought that it really does get better.

However I will admit, I do wonder if I should just be a bad guy. Would life would be easier? Would I have all the things I want?  I have too much integrity to actually do it, but the thought of it being easier… is oh so sweet.

I am going to plant my mustard seed. I am going to plant my hope in fertile ground. I believe there is more than this. Today I will not give up. Today I will not wallow in the past. Today I am planting the seed and I hope it grows. I am giving it all I have. All I have is this seed and if it doesn’t work….. well being Harley Quinn looks fun.