Make Lists, Make Change

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With the rain today I finally have come to a realization, I am depressed. I have finally lost all motivation to do the things I love. People are finally sick of me talking about being worthless. I dont want to get up in the morning. I cant pretend any more. I am depressed.

I was reading a article today about Kristen Bell, and how she struggled with Depression. A successful, rich, beautiful woman is depressed. She seems to have all the things that I feel I am depressed about. Yet she is still depressed. She mentioned how  depression is about your self worth. How you feel about yourself. I keeps saying if I had money my problems would go away, or if I would just loose weight I would feel better, or if I new what I wanted to do with my life I would be happy. Kristen made me realize that it has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with how I feel about me.

My boyfriend got an amazing job opportunity a few weeks ago. He is so excited about it. He deserves it. He works hard, he is always positive, he never complains. He totally deserves ever dollar, and opportunity he is getting. I am excited for him too. I am so happy for him. Our financial situation will be better too. But in my head I am saying “why not me?When is my break? Am I not a good person?  Do people not want me? ”

I know I shouldn’t think this way, but I do. He has 10 plus years in his field. He is very skilled. I have skills too…. just not specialized like his. I cant even talk about it to him any more. I cant even pretend to be happy, and I can tell it is getting to him. Our relationship is fine, our intimacy is not. Our conversations are stale. He still loves me, but he is stressed too. With the rain and thunder today, I have decided to make list, to make a change.

I have to change. I dont want to be here. I need to change my state of mind. I need to keep busy so I dont focus on the negatives. I have a ton of stuff I “could” do but dont because I dont feel like it. But today is different. I HAVE to. Just like the rain HAS to come and be dark, the only difference is that the rain passes. It is time to make this pass. I am going to do so with lists.

Here is my list for today:

  • Write a Blog
  • Take a Photo
  • Take the dogs for a walk
  • Put the laundry away
  • Clean the bathroom
  • find trivia quizes for your down time at work
  • meditate for 10 min tonight
  • Dont look at your phone after 7 tonight

Seems like normal routine stuff, but I haven’t done any of it in weeks. My laundry is still in the dryer, my bathroom is filthy (and I live with a boy and two dogs), I never make time for myself, it has gotten bad. I need to make a goal to do my lists. I do well with lists. Writing things down and crossing them off works for me. I just need to do it. I dont want to go on medication. I cannot afford to talk to anyone. I need to do this for me.

I got this. List = change. One day at a time. That is all I have control over. By having lists I am trying to focus on the now. Not stressing over the future, or why I dont know what I want to do, or my relationship. I am focused on now and what I can do. All simple tasks. But when I complete them, at the end of the day I can say ” I did it “.

That in its self is an accomplishment.

Change is Coming: My Motivational Monthly Rant

I have been looking back on the past few months and have noticed that I have become more and more negative. I used to pride myself on being positive and optimistic, easy going and affectionate. But I have changed. Negative thinking has changed me.

Ever since my hearing scare in November I have been struggling. Struggling with my health, my weight, my finances, my purpose, my place, everything. Just when I feel like I have a grip, something else happens. I have let myself slip into a negative tornado of dust. Spinning uncontrollably, unable to breath. It has to stop. My storm is still spinning, but the negative thinking has to stop.

I know there are many times I have said “today is the day”, but each time I am tested and fail. The way I look at it is every time we try something and fail, we learn something. I have learned something every time I have tried to be positive. It is not easy. It is a daunting task that is ongoing. It only takes one little thing to brake the gates that hold back the negative thoughts. Just one thing, could be a look from a stranger, cloths that don’t fit, telling someone your profession when you are not proud of it, being at your job that you are not proud of,  being late on rent (again). No matter how hard you try something comes up and reminds you of the lame reality you live in.

Change is hard, but nothing worth having is easy. The last few weeks I have been mad a the universe. I am mad that I have to go through these things when my perfect siblings don’t. People keep telling me they will go through their own demons, but still. It is not fair. Life is not fair. Karma doesn’t come around. You create your own reality. I have been sitting her waiting for life to bring me things. Waiting for the universe to give me my dose of karma. Waiting does nothing. I need to create my own reality. I am in charge.

I can do this. I can change my life. I am working on it the best I know how. Hope is the only thing keeping me going. My belief that there is more to life than this, is the only thing keeping me dreaming. I believe there is something more out there. I believe there is a purpose or level of satisfaction that I can reach. I am tired of being here. I am tired of not having what I want. I am tired of working 3 jobs and not being able to afford rent. I am tired!

A part of me is so pissed at the world that I am about to scream. I am about to break out into BITCH mode and take what is mine. (In a positive, legal way of course). I have hit the breaking point. I am done. I am ready for the biggest and brightest. I am ready to jump. I am ready to have a job with 401K options, I am ready to buy a home, I am ready to have friends, true friends, I am ready to get married, have kids, travel the world.

It is time to live not struggle!

Change is coming.

 

Is Faith the Missing Piece?

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I have always been a spiritual person. Some times more than others. When things were good I went to church for the music, to de-stress and hear a good word. But once I was “saved” the word didn’t do anything for me. I didn’t get the same meditative clarification. My pastor was a great evangelist. He was great at bringing people in and getting them excited, but he didnt do well at keeping people involved. He lost me because of it. I would google messages online and listen to CD’s in the car but it wasnt the same. I didnt get the same feeling, the same peace.

Now I have hit a new bottom and cant see the light at the top. I have never been here before. I keep asking myself, is it because I dont go to church any more, is it because I am running from my family, is it because I dont pray every night like I used to, am I not grateful enough? Where did I go wrong?

Maybe the answer is to just have faith. Faith: to have a strong belief or trust in someone or something, with confidence. No where does it say that you HAVE to go to church, or pray, or be grateful to have faith. Faith is just trust. Trusting in something bigger that we are. Trusting that something somewhere has your back. The universe, God, aliens, our inner self, what ever. Faith is believing everything will be alright.

I think I dont have Faith because I havent had anything I have wanted to happen, happen. (I sound like a spoiled child). I dont trust that anything I want will happen. Trust is that feeling I had when I was “saved”. It was a comforting, clarifying, zen feeling that took all the worries away. I had a sense of peace. Now I am so stressed that my hair is thinning, my body is squishy, and I am depressed.

Now how do I get back to the girl I was? Is this what life is? Is this what people do? Is this reality? I dont want to believe it. I refuse!

I dont think Church is the answer, I think it is all in my mind. I need to find a way to place my faith, my trust in something I cannot see. Something I dont understand. Something that hasnt worked that last few times. Faith.

We all know that photo with the two guys digging to a diamond mine. The one guy gives up right before he hits the diamonds, and the other guy keeps going. The caption goes something like “Dont give up you are closer than you think.” I dont want to be the guy to give up, but I also dont want to be the guy who keeps digging and never finds it. How do you know the difference? When is it too much?

Is this a test or a sign? Is it a test of my faith or a sign to call it quits? Have I failed or am I almost there? How do you know? What is the balance? What is the answer? Faith, blind faith can only get you so far.

Faith is it the answer?

 

 

Daily Affirmations: the LIES we tell ourselves

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Affirmations: A statement said with CONFIDENCE about a perceived TRUTH.

I wrote a post a wile back that talked about feeling your daily affirmations. It has been a while since I have wrote that and I feel like I am still in the same boat… ok not really, I have been kicked off the boat and I am drowning. I feel like things have not gotten better and my anxiety and stress are through the roof. By saying all these positive things, and felling the positive words flow through me, aren’t I supposed to feel better for longer than 30 seconds.

Today I feel like I am about to break. I feel like I am so burnt out, stressed out, and just down right depressed. I took a few moments this morning to look back on the week to see where it all went to shit, and noticed that there have been some really negative people in my life lately. There is this guy at my day job that is likes to talk, and is normally really fun to talk to, but lately he has been venting all his problems to me. Me being the nice person I am, listened and indulged in his drama filled story tell the end. By the time he walked away I felt so angry and drained. I felt I needed a hot shower to get the negativeness off of me. He drained me of all the positive energy I had. Then, at my second job there is this gal that is a young army mom, that has this job to get away from the drama at home. All she does is vent about her kids and how her husband doesn’t know how to handle them when she is not there. Now I get she probably doesn’t have many friends, and she needs time to let off steam, but dang it took all my energy not to slap her and tell her to shut up!

I am a nice person. I am a great listener and give great positive advice. These are two traits about myself that I love.  But lately I have attracted some very negative people to me. I HAVE ATTRACTED THEM TO ME! Knowing that I attracted them to myself, I knew that something was wrong with the way I was thinking.

The definition of Affirmation is: a statement we say with confidence about a perceived truth. We need to say our affirmations with confidence, and FEEL the words being said. I have written blog post about this, I feel I have this part down. However, the second part is where I think I am getting it wrong. The part about the truth. This is where I am failing, and this is probably why positive affirmations are not working for me. I don’t believe what I am saying. When I say ” I am am money magnet”, I feel the positiveness, I imagine the money in my account, but a little voice in my head says “not a very strong one apparently”. Or I look my self in the mirror after saying it and say “sooner than later please”. I don’t believe it is going to happen. I feel like what I am saying to myself is a lie. Lying is not a positive trait. I am trying to be positive by lying to myself. If I know an affirmations is a lie why would I believe it.I need to find a way to say affirmations that I believe are true.

Instead of saying “I am a money Magnet” I am now going to say ” I allow the financial abundance to flow into my life”. This way it is a choice for me. When the money comes I will allow it to come into my life. Logical right. I am not a weak magnet that will hopefully get money to come to me. I am declaring that money is coming, and when it does I will accept it graciously.

Instead of saying ” I am 128 lb beautiful woman” I will now say ” I am healthy and I allow my body to return to its natural vibrant health.” Again a choice. I am allowing my body to change into a healthy version of itself. I am not overpowered by the number or how my cloths fit. I am simply healthy and health is drawn to me.

I cannot lie to myself anymore. I am attracting negative people in my life and I don’t have time for it. I want fun, vibrant, exciting people in my life. I want to celebrate milestones with people, I want to laugh with people. Don’t get me wrong, people can come to me with problems and I will listen and make it the best of the situation, but it wont drain me! No more lies! I am going to make these affirmations work for me!  I believe them. They are truths I am speaking into my life!

Be confident and believe what you are saying! That in itself is a positive thing!

Superman is Busy, be the HERO of your own story!

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The quote “Be the Hero of your own story” pops up on my daily list of positive quotes every day. However, I didn’t quite understand it tell today.

Today the word I am working on is Accomplished. I paid off some of my medical bills, I send the Christmas presents I still haven’t sent yet ( I know I am bad ), and I took initiative and asked the web designer guy at my work his opinion regarding my interest in graphic design! It has been a very productive, accomplished morning. I was looking through my daily quotes, and for some reason I felt the urge to google “be the hero of your own story”. In doing so I came across a website ( ThePositivitySolution.com) with and articular titled Feeling Good Will Never Be Enough. Having just blogged about feelings, I had to read further.

The author goes onto quote Tony Schwartz saying “There is a difference between FEELING good and FEELING good about yourself”. (Great so much for my enthusiasm.)  He gave an example of you wanting to loose weight, but not having the time to work out. You set your alarm early, determined to get to the gym before work. The morning comes your alarm goes off and you have two choices; A)You  hit the snooze button so you can stay in your war bed and cherish another heartfelt hour of sleep and feel good now or B) get up, work out, and feel good about starting a habit that will benefit you in the long run. Most of us choose A (instant gratification), its easy, comfortable and you feel good now. Those of us  who choose B however, tend to feel much better about themselves and it helps them achieve results for the future.

I keep talking about the Law of Attraction and how you need to be in alignment with your dreams so the universe can deliver them you. I keep writing, and hoping, and waiting for SOMETHING to happen. I keep waiting for superman to come swoop in and save me from all my problems. I keep waiting for someone in front of me to buy my Starbucks just cause they can, I keep waiting for that good Samaritan to see the bald tires on my car and buy me new ones, I keep waiting for the HUGE check in the mail to bail me out of debt. Truth is superman is not coming. The superman I keep waiting for, is me.  I need to choose B. I need to choose to wake up. I need to choose to act. I need to choose to FEEL GOOD about myself.

Now, circle back to “Being the hero of your own story”.

I have noticed that all heroes have one thing in common, they all have a sense of self. They all have accepted who they are, and they are courageous enough to be just that. “Our Story” is whatever we believe about our lives to be true. I don’t like my story. I believe it should be so much better. I believe it should be abundant and Joyful all the time. Well, guess what, the only person that can “save the day” in my story is me. I need to be myself. I need to find the courage to be me and do what I believe is right no matter what others think. In doing so I will be in full alignment with the universe and great things will come my way because I made it so! No more waiting. I need to start acting.

For my life to get better I need to be myself. By being myself I qualify as a Hero. I am the Hero of my story!

Jessica to the rescue!

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It is Time to Start FEELING

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So I am in the process of re listening to The Power by Rhonda Byrne (I get something new out of it every time I listen to it), and I think I have figured out what action I need to take in my life. I need to start FEELING my thoughts.

Sounds silly but I don’t FEEL enough. I read all of these inspiring positive quotes all day every day, but I don’t really feel inspired or positive. I talk positive and smile and look at the glass half full, but I don’t FEEL any of it. I am only trying to focus my mind, but my body and soul don’t respond. It is almost like I am so disappointed in life that I don’t allow my self to feel anything. Yet I know there is more to this life. I know this is just a phase, a test, I just need to have faith. Instead of stressing about what I need to do to be in alignment for a career or my ideal weight, I am doing to allow myself to Feel my emotions.

The other day when my boyfriend got laid off I didn’t allow myself to feel any of the emotions that surged through me. I just pushed them back, and put on a smile and pushed forward. I didn’t allow my self to be scared, cry, or show any disappointment. I just was. Tell one night it all caught up to me and I cried my eyes out for a good ten minutes. Once I cried it all out, I picked my self up and we made a plan of attack. The very next day the check that I was waiting on (that got “lost” in the mail) arrived. Coincidence?

I need to start doing thing that make me feel good and actually feel it. I need to allow myself to feel my emotions. I need to put my phone down (the thing that distracts me from the real world) and really feel what life is bringing me.

It is OK to feel sad once in a while. Just let the feeling come, have it, then move on. Rhonda said in The Power ” without the bad feelings we would know the good ones.” Don’t bathe in them, just acknowledge them and move on. Being numb from the bad feelings also means you are numb from the good feelings.

My ACT is going to be, do the thing that make me feel good and deliberately take a moment to BE IN THE MOMENT TO FEEL IT. I am going to have to make myself be present, and feel the full feeling. It sounds silly and easy but I have been numb for a while now I am kinda nervous. I don’t really know how to do this. At least I am aware that I need to and I am going to try.

One Step at a time…Lets Go!

People with Goals Succeed because they KNOW where they are Going!

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There are two quotes motivating me today.

  1. Keeping busy and making optimism a way of life, can restore your faith in your self. ~Lucille Ball
  2. Boredom does not exist. The feeling of boredom is in your brain telling you to find something to do. That is why this feeling sucks so much.

I am a receptionist. I take 70-120 calls every day. Though this job is very important to my company and the people I talk to, I tend to have some down time. It is not consistent down time (half hour here ten min there), but because it is not consistent, I find it hard to find stuff to do (you can only clean your desk so many times). It is hard to start a project just to be interrupted by the phone. So, in turn, I have time to overthink and worry about everything. This is where my mind gets into trouble, this is where my mind gets negative. I do my best by looking at positive quotes and motivational sayings all day. But you can only do that for so long. Then I found quote number 1.

I need to find a way to keep my mind busy. I am an optimistic person, but I have a lot of time where my mind is not focused. When it is not focused it can easily be distracted to negative thoughts. So naturally, I googled how to keep you mind busy at work. I came across a sight that had a few good ideas. Some I have tried (Pintrest, Words With Friends, Adult Coloring Books) but there was one that really stuck out to me. It said to pick a word every day and strive to do everything you can with that word in that day. They gave examples like Happy, Friendly, Courageous. But for some reason today the word Empowering would not leave my mind. So I decided to make that my word for today.

I started to research Empowerment very vaguely online and found a quote from Oprah that is changing the way I think about this LOA stuff.

“The biggest secret in life is there is no secret. Whatever your goal, you get there if you are willing to work.”

A Goal. I need a goal. I mean I have goals, my goals are $80,000 and 128lbs. The LOA says you cannot worry about HOW thing will manifest. But you also need to ACT. How do you not worry about how it is going to happen and act on it at the same time. Are they not the same? This is where my second quote comes in. Boredom.

I am bored. I need to find a way to not be bored so that I can allow the HOW to happen. I need to find my passion or a hobby to keep my mind busy and alive. By keeping my mind busy, the negative thoughts cannot enter my mind. They cannot enter because my mind is already occupied with my hobby or passion.  I cannot just sit and wait for my sexy body to come to me, I need to be in alignment with universe and ACT.  This is where the “you need to act like you have what you want now” practice comes in. I need to wear the tight cloths (so that it will remind me to stop eating bad things), I need to stand tall and flaunt my self (it will give me confidence no matter my weight), I need to look proudly in the mirror and find one good thing that I LOVE about myself (this will have me looking for more wonderful things I love about me).I need to be doing positive things not just thinking them.

Most of the success stories I have read about the LOA have been to some extent the same in regards to the HOW it gets manifested. People would be doing what they love to do with out thinking of it like Fishing, Teaching, Writing, and someone would notice them. Then, out of no were, an opportunity would present itself. They were not thinking “oh today someone is going to come into my life and offer me a million dollar idea”. They just were doing what they love and someone noticed, or they came across and idea, or something presented itself in the form of an opportunity and it changed their life. The common denominator is that they were all doing something they enjoyed to do. They were in alignment with the universe and it was delivered to them.

So sitting here thinking positive things is not enough. I need to act. I need to work on being positive and find what makes me happy. I need to find a way to be busy and happy at the same time. I need try something, anything, even if it turns out to not me my purpose. At least I crossed that off the list and acted!

I am starting to feel Empowered!  I am feeling Empowered to move on and not be in this negative state! The universe put this word in my mind today I have no doubt. I want more out of life so I need to go get it! Lets go find my goals! Lets do this!

Before Something Great Happens, Everything Falls Apart

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I admit, this positive thinking, Law of Attraction, stuff is hard. I have had a rough couple weeks with it. I have been tested and pushed more than I would have hoped. I waked up every day and say what I am thankful for, I look at positive quotes every day at work, and say my daily affirmations. Yet things seem to be getting worse. Do they always have to get worst before they get better or is it me?

I keep reading and researching the LOA and how you need to FEEL grateful, skinny, rich, in order to attract those things to you. Honestly, that last like two minutes. I have felt more depressed lately than I have in a long time. Is that why things are worse? Or is it a test that if I feel good while things are bad than they will get better? Why are there test? Why can I not attract Abundance? Is this normal? AHHH

I think I need a mentor, a coach, or someone to talk to. I refuse to believe that life is a struggle! I refuse to believe that this is all that life has to offer us! I refuse to believe that this is normal! I refuse to believe that it always gets worse before it gets better! Life shouldn’t be a struggle. It should be an amazing adventure fulled with Joy, Travel, Abundance, amazing Experiences, good people, great food, love, Passion, and excitement! I refuse to believe that the life that I have been living is it! I refuse to believe that this is what I am meant to do! I have to much FIRE, to much SPIRIT to have this be it.

I am meant to travel the world! I am meant to have an abundant career! I am meant  for so much more that this! I have too much passion for life to be where I am at. Why am I in debt up to my ears, working two jobs just to make ends meet? Why cant I find my career? Why cant I be the woman I know I am and travel the world? Is it Fear? Lack of Opportunity? My Attitude? WHAT!!!! I feel I try. Every day I research how to get there. Motivational quotes, websites, books, you name it! I am a positive person, I try my darnedest to be positive. What am I missing?

All questions I intend to figure out….. If they really do get worse before it gets better, than something great is about to happen in my life.

One Day at a time. Here we go.

Continuing My Paradigm

snow-flower_1600x900A Paradigm is a habit. It is what we continually do routinely though out our lives. To change that is not an easy task. I have made the decision to change my paradigm. A decision that is changing my life forever and for good. I want to make $80,000 a year, I want to be 128lbs, and I want a motorcycle. These are my new paradigms.

Bob Proctor said, in one of his many speeches, that in order to become the person you want to be you need to act like that person. You don’t need to spend the money to be a millionaire, but you do need to hold yourself like one. You need talk like one. You need to dream like one. You need to pretend to be who you want to be. This is hard for me because I don’t know exactly who I want to be. I know I want to have a motorcycle, have tattoos, and be that sexy biker chick. But I also want to have a career and work in an office and be respected.

I can have both right?

So do I go get the tattoos and walk like the bad ass bitch I know I am, or do I  do I walk around in work cloths and act like I own the place. Or both. Where do I start?

One of the biggest messages I take from Bob Proctor is that you need to make decisions. You need to decided that you want to change. You need to decided that you will not give up. You need to decided what you want and pretend you already have it.

I need to decide what I want. All I can decide right now is $80,000 a year, 128lbs, and a motorcycle. So I need to walk around with the confidence that I am that weight, that I have that money to spend, I have the freedom to go ride every weekend. How do you do this? How do you not think “well it sounds good but is it really going to happen.” How do you do this for 30 days?

It takes 30 days to form a habit. To change you paradigm you need to change your habits. I have to find a way to act like a bad ass, rich, sexy, biker chick for 30 days.

Cool. Maybe I will start with a piercing. Or maybe I will get some motorcycle gloves.  Or actually sketch out my sleeve tattoo. I don’t know what I am going to do but I am going to do something.

I will let you know how it goes.

Change your Paradigm

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So this morning I woke up with a positive attitude, great hearing, and motivation to change my life. It is raining out right now but the grass is so green and air is so crisp it is almost a sign that things are changing.

I have always been a believer of the Law of Attraction. I know I have mentioned it before in a few post. The past few months it has been harder for me to be the positive optimistic person I know I am. Yesterday, our rent cleared and we decided to be positive and grateful for the ability to be here in this home. Silly but it is a positive accomplishment for us so we cherished it. Then my co-workers asked me out for drinks. Being new to the office, I should have been ecstatic to be invited out with everyone. But instead my thoughts became negative. I was so worried that a $5 drink would make it so I couldn’t pay bills. Only because we struggled so hard to make rent the moment before. I was worried sick that $5 would make or break my bank account. Realizing how negative this thought was I went any way and new I had to change my thinking.

It was not easy. I cannot even say I succeeded. I tried to be grateful for the $5 I had to spend out with my friends, I tried to be grateful for the abundance of money still in my bank account. But all I could do was put in my favorite Michael Jackson CD and listen to my favorite song. That is all the positiveness I got out of that situation. After my song I felt that I did not succeed in changing my thinking towards money and that I was not attracting it to me. Ultimately not making the night the best it could have been.

This morning I sat on the couch with my boys and decided to be positive and find a way to change the way I was thinking about money. I googled videos on the Law of Attraction and Money and decided to watch Bob Proctor on Paradigm Shifting. By doing so I realized a few amazing things. One, I was successful last night. I acknowledged that I was being negative and consciously made the decision to find something positive to focus on. Two, our Paradigms are habits we are taught through life and I want to change mine. And Three, I need to start making decisions.

To change your Paradigm you need to make a decision to do so. You don’t have to have the how, but you need to make THE decision that it is possible to change the outcome of your life. It changes the way the universe sends you things. You need to have a clear decision so that it can bring your situations and events to get it to you. This is hard for me. My boyfriend will be the first person to tell you that I dont make decisions. I know that is my problem.  I need to decided what I want and work at it. Bob Proctor said that you need to consciously work at something for 90 days for it to be a habit.

As an athlete I know this. Muscle memory, diet, routine, everything takes time to become a regular part of your life. It takes time to get into a routine of working out three days a week. It takes time for your body to remember the next dance move efficiently. Your mind is exactly the same.

I want to be more positive. It is going to take time and practice for it to  happen. It doesn’t happen all at once. Because I noticed that I was being negative and decided to change it even if it was short lived, I am changing how I react to things in my life. (A really good sign) Soon it wont be hard to think positive when I get caught up in silly things. Every day I wake up and express my gratitude for everything that I have, I say my daily affirmations, I choose to be the best I can be. Soon it will be a habit I wont have to read them I will know them. It will be my Paradigm not a chore.

I am deciding to change my Paradigm. I am going to make $80,000 a year. I am going to weigh 128lbs and be strong and healthy. I am going to travel. I am going to have a motorcycle. I am happy.

Those are my decisions. The HOW is yet to come.