Looking back on past unpublished posts and realizing you still feel this way….

Have you ever had days were you wonder how you got were you are. How you got to be who you are and why you let youself become it. This is me everyday but for the sake of time we will focus on just today. I tend to find myself wondering to the past wondering if I should have made a different choice. How it would effect my life and who I have become.

The problem with the past is that it is in the past. You cannot change it. It is already imprinted in history. So there is no use going back and dwelling on it. Though I know this I still find myself back there. Maybe it is easier to look back there because I dont have any choices to make, or it is easy to find the mistake once you have made it. but I want to change my future. I am too big for this place and I want the world to see.

My problem is I am afraid to make decisions. I couldnt decide a major in college. I couldnt decided what car I wanted to buy. I cannot decided a career. I am afraid to make the wrong choice. But today, just today, I noticed that because I have not been making choices my life is what it is. I have let my life become what it is.

I have the power to change it. I have the power to make a different choice. I have the power to DO something. I just need to choose. At this point anything is better that where I am at. So do I take the easy way and become a fitness instructor. (Which I love but not sure it is forever). Or do I jump on something crazy like becoming an Architect.

I feel like I wake up every day saying I wish things were different. Or I wish I had this. Or I wish I could do that. Well I can. I can do things I just need to make a decision to do them.

We have this amazing power in us and I am not using it. I preach about it all the time and I just sit around and wait for something to come to me. I am afraid to do the work. I am afraid to DO anything. I dont know if I am afraid of failing or if I am afraid of being wrong.

But it has to stop. I cannot be this depressing little girl any more. I am a women. I am a beautiful, stunning, attractive woman that is smart. I know I can do all things! I just need to Choose.

 

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Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? ~Danielle LaPorte

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I came across this quote the other day and I cannot stop thinking about it. I have never really thought that I was a person that let the opinions of others direct my life. However, the more I thought about, the more I realized that it is all I do.

My mom and I fight all the time. She accuses me of things I don’t do all the time. Naturally I get very offended because all I do is try to please her. I will never be good enough in her eyes. My dad hates my boyfriend (because he reminds him of him at his age) and it hurts me to the core that I cannot show him how great he is. My sister is perfect and has a great job, a home, a husband who makes a ton of money. My brother is an engineer, and all I do is compare myself and my life to theirs.

This is part of the reason I wanted to move to New York. To find me. Not be judged. That didn’t work out the way we planned, but we learned may other things.

If I stop blaming my mother, father, and my successful siblings, and really think about this question I found an answer.

Before I was what the world made me, I was an artist. I was creative. I loved to paint, and build. I loved putting things together and making things. I wanted to be an Architect.

Why did that change?

Mom told me that artist didn’t make much money. Dad said all the money was in real estate. Society said artist are hippies and broke. People said being a architect is hard.

So I stopped. I did everything but what I wanted to do. I had 5 majors in college. I am not doing anything with my actual major. I have gone back to school twice for two different degrees and have not finished them. Why? Because it got hard. Because I had no support. Because I wanted to go out and do other things besides homework.

So what now?

Do I get back on track? Do I go become an architect? Do I finish those degrees I haven’t finished then go back to school.

Some people say you just know when you are doing what you are meant to do. I have always wondered how they “just know”. How do they go from being completely miserable in there every day life to just knowing what is the right path. How do they see past all the anger and annoyances. How do they get past all the bad moods and bad days. How do they know when to jump ship.

I guess that is why it is called faith.

You don’t know.

You just try, and try again, tell you find it.

Well…That sucks.

It doesn’t do well to dwell in the Past.

 

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I sit here today dwelling in the past. I miss Colorado. I miss having a home, a good job, good food, and places to shop. I miss my mountains. I miss my friends. I keep saying what if I stayed, what if I took a different job, what if.

I cannot change the past. I cannot re make decisions. Unfortunately I cannot go back to Colorado. All I have is what is in front of me. I can choose to dwell in what it is not, or strive to find what it is.

I keep saying once I find a different job I will be happy, or once we buy a home  I will be happy, or once we have money I will be happy. But that is not what happiness is about. Happiness is about being happy no matter the circumstances. If you keep finding happiness in things you will never find it. There will always be something you dont have. I need to find a way to be happy now. Would money help, YES, but it is not the cause of my unhappiness. I was unhappy when I had money.

I dont know the answer. I dont have a secret trick. I just know that I need to be happy in the now. I cant change the past, but I can help shape the future. I am choosing to be positive and make the most of what we have here. Just today I had a day where  I wish I was back at home.