The Things You Notice

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Recently there have been little moments in every day that I have notice myself looking at the optimistic side of things. Whether it be looking at the bright side when someone complains to me, or when I let someone cut in that is being a bi*** driving. It stands out in my mind when it happens. It is weird. Maybe, I am starting to do something right.

The Secret say, what you think becomes things. Every thing you are thinking now is your future, think about that. The one quote that scares me the most is the one that goes:

“Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow”

My answer today is no. But I feel that I have a clearer idea of what I want. I know I want to go back to school to be a Physical Therapist Assistant. I know that I may need to take a shitty yet higher paying job in order to save to go to school. I know that I want to get married in a barn with pumpkins and pie. I know I want twin boys. I know I want to have a Bungalow with a huge porch ( I also know I want in this home). So today, I am trying to focus on these things instead of stressing about what is going wrong in my life.

I dont have a plan per-se, but I know what I need to do. I know I need to go to school to get the job I want. I know that to go to school I need to find a job that pays more so I can save money for school.  It sounds like a plan but I feel like it is a pre-plan. Until I have an acceptance letter to the school, and the money to be able to devote time to school and school only, then and only then will it be a plan. For now it is just a dream.

I want to be closer to the things that I want. I have felt like lately I have been farther from those dreams than I ever have been. The Secret says “don’t focus on the how, just believe that the opportunities will come to you. When they do you need to act.” Well this is hard. I feel like I have not focused on the how for a long time. I was kinda expecting it to just come to me. I was just like “ok I want this and this and this”. But nothing came. I do believe that you need to just trust it will all work out, but you cannot get accepted into a school with out applying. You cannot win the lotto without buying a ticket. There is a little bit of work you need to to in order to get what you want.

So I applied to a school. I applied for FASFA. I sent in my transcripts. I applied for the higher paying (shitty) job. Now all I can do it believe that the universe is working in my favor.Wait. Hope. Pray.

Like I said I did something and now I notice the little optimistic things that I didn’t notice before. They are little but the fact that I am focused on that I am doing them is a sure sign of good things.

One step at a time.

Make List Make Change.

Believe in your dreams.

I got this.

 

“If you have Faith the size of a mustard seed…”

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I have been watching the Olympics this week and I am in awe at the abilities these amazing athlete have. The way they push their bodies to their absolute limits, and than push a little harder. The way they force themselves through the pain. The way they move and bend their bodies in ways I didnt think were possible. It is amazing! They work so hard for this one moment. Training day in and day out just for this one shot. They are truly an inspiration. They dont get enough credit.

I think we have it all wrong in this world. We praise and pay pathetic people like Kim and Kanye West, and  we let people who work hard, like our Olympians, to struggle to make ends meet. We let bad managers become managers because they are sneaky sales people. We keep good managers at shitty jobs because they are not good at sales.  We let the good guys finish last. We let war vets go homeless and lazy people get free stuff from the government. We have it all wrong and it makes it hard for me, a good person, to believe that life gets better than this.

” I am somewhere between giving up and seeing how much more I can take”

I still have hope. I have a small mustard seed of hope. I still believe that life is more than working to pay bills. It has to be. I still dream. Being middle class sucks. I am working to get out of it. Working really hard. I cry a lot, I work all the time, but I keep going. I keep going with the small thought that it really does get better.

However I will admit, I do wonder if I should just be a bad guy. Would life would be easier? Would I have all the things I want?  I have too much integrity to actually do it, but the thought of it being easier… is oh so sweet.

I am going to plant my mustard seed. I am going to plant my hope in fertile ground. I believe there is more than this. Today I will not give up. Today I will not wallow in the past. Today I am planting the seed and I hope it grows. I am giving it all I have. All I have is this seed and if it doesn’t work….. well being Harley Quinn looks fun.

 

 

“I am not afraid of storms, for I am just learning how to sail my ship!” ~Louisa May Alcott

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I am starting to learn that this Law of Attraction journey is really a roller coaster of emotions. You start thinking positive thoughts  then something comes around and tests your positive energy. You fall, get back up, and try again.  Then something else happens, you fall, you get back, up and try again. Everything is a test. That is life.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.

I keep complaining about where I am and what is happening to me. I go up and have weeks of positive energy, then something comes around and I am back to square one of worry and stress. But I always pick  myself back up and continue the cycle.

I dont like this cycle. I want to break it. I keep saying this too.  I look back on post I have written and notice that it is the same cycle different situations. I want to break this cycle. I want to break my norm. I am better than this and I KNOW the universe knows this too!

I am asking the universe for better and it keeps testing me to see if I am ready. Unfortunately I am not. I keep failing. I keep thinking if I had a different job, if I had more money, if I had just did this different, if I lost the weight. But it is not an external battle. It is internal. Nothing can change in your life until you love and have confidence in yourself.

I have written a post like this before too.

I tend to look at myself in a negative way. I am not proud of myself. I look for outside validation from other people to feel good about myself. I fell like a failure.I have gained weight. The whole nine yards. Truth is though, I am good enough.

The fact that I know I am better than this. The fact that I keep looking for more answers and keep trying to move forward. The fact that I keep getting up when I fall. All of these things prove that I am the person I know I can be. I just need to start acting on her. I need to put a plan in to action. I need to react to conflict with confidence. I need to act with a level head and take a second to assess the situation before reacting.

I know I can do this. I need to stop dwelling on the past, on what I was and become what I know I am! I will never be what I was, I will be better!

It is a process. I will probably fall again. But I can guarantee that I am learning and I wont make this mistake the same way twice!

Like Thomas Edison said:

“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.”

Well here’s to 10,001!

Always Dress to Impress

Today I looked good. I went to the gym, I completely shaved my legs (come on ladies we all know we half ass this chore), did my hair, and makeup. Nothing over the top just a little more than normal, and I FEEL AWESOME.

I had a coach in high school that always had us shine our cleats and iron our jersey for game day. We couldnt play if we didnt. Now, 12 years later, I finally understand why it was so important to do so. Not only did we look sharp and intimidating, we looked the way we felt. If we looked good we would feel good. You had to prepare for the day. You couldnt just wake up an hour before the game and hope you get there on time. By shining our cleats the night before we mentally were preparing ourselves for the game. Tucking in our jersey and wearing our hat straight, helped us focus. We would look at other teams and just know we were going to win, just by looking at them.

The power of a first impression is a big deal for both parties. On the one end the other person notices that you put in the time to look good for them. On the other you feel more confident. I am not saying go out and wear a three piece suit every day. I am saying take the time to do a little something special to your self. It could be put on jewelry, apply some makeup, wear the nice shoes, tuck in your shirt, wear the non holy jeans. Yes you may have to wake up ten min earlier or plan your outfit a head of time but you know what it is worth you feeling good.

Being an athlete I have gotten used to wearing sweats everywhere. Though I do look good in sweats, it is the easy way out. I feel so much better when I take a little time to put an outfit together. My way, my style and FOR ME. Dont get it twisted. DO THIS FOR YOU!

Look good for you and others will notice. Look good so you can walk by a store window and be like DAMN! I am not thrilled with the way my body looks but I am dressing it in a way that I like and feel really good about it!

Be you! Feel Good! Dress to impress yourself!

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It can always be worse…

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Yesterday I had yet another health scare. I found a suspicious lump in my breast. The moment I found it pure terror flooded my mind. Then the thoughts of “why me”. Tears. Then finally some rational thought of “ok what next”. The whole experience has really grounded me. It can always be worse.

I was in the waiting room of the specialist office. My wonderful boyfriend took the day off to be with me. We were sitting there watching people come and go. Strong brave women. Some with tears, but all with smiles. They were all there for different reasons. Some just a check up, some getting results, some there just for support. Some had no hair (from cemo), some had no breast. I was so scared. I just had a pea size bump I was getting sonogramed. They were there, surviving.

After I got the sonogram done I went to a different room where the Dr. told me they wanted to biopsy it to be safe. The tears started to roll down my face. Fear. Anxiety. All of it. In the next waiting room a lady (there for a check up) came to me and just talked to me. She said it wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be. She explained the process. Told me to always be positive. Then she went and got my boyfriend to help comfort me. She was so nice. She only said maybe 30 words to me. But it made a difference. I realized that this was not the worst thing that could happen. I had taken the right steps. The second I found it I got it checked. Women go through this every day. The place was packed. Women in all stages were there smiling, helping others through each step. It just took s simple smile and some reinsurance to make me look at the positive side of this situation.

Why can we not do this more for each other. You never know what someone is going through. Give them a  smile, a nod. Crack a joke in the check out line. If you see someone crying give them a hug. Let someone go in front of you in line. Let someone in on the highway. Pick up something someone dropped. Tell someone to have a great day. Little things!! You never know someones struggles. Just a simple smile can change someone life.

Two days ago I was talking about tipping the scale. All those issues seam small compared to today.  It can always be worse. The golden rule applies “Treat others as you would want to be treated.” That includes how you treat yourself. I have not been treating me, let alone anyone else, the way I want to be treated.

One small thing can go a long way. I didnt know the women, she didnt even tell me her name. But she made me feel loved and cared for. She was there when I needed it. Giving me the reinsurance I needed. My boyfriend was there, but he hasnt gone through this, she had. It was different. One simple gesture flipped my day from why me, to I can do this.

My struggles are my struggles but I do believe that helping others can help you help yourself. My goal is not to make myself happy, but others. By helping others I hope to find myself, but if I can give one person that feeling that wonderful lady gave me, I will consider myself successful!

This life is short. Anything can be taken from you at any time. Your hearing, your health, your eyesight, your family. Cherish it. Enjoy every second of it. Dont dwell on the what ifs. What is coming is coming. All you can do is react to it. Lets react with love.

#Make List = make change

#Tip the scale

#Believe in yourself

#Faith

 

 

 

Tipping the Scale

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Life is all about balance. There are two sides to every coin. There is a Ying and a Yang. A Boy and a girl.  A Right and a Wrong. Good and Evil. We were all created in balance. You cannot have good times without the bad times. You cannot be right without having been wrong. We all start in balance, then life happens. From there it is our CHOICE to remain in balance or continue to be out of balance.

Though we all want to be in balance, it is easier to be out of balance. It is easier to blame than to take responsibility. It is easier to be negative than be optimistic. We all choose to be one or the other. Its OUR choice. Instead of saying “I have to water the stupid plants again”, say “oh a here is a chance to get up of my desk and move around.” Instead of saying “Why the f*** did you cut me off!”, say “I  hope everything is ok he was sure in a hurry.”  Or in the world of technology instead of getting mad that our cell phone doesnt work look up and say “I guess this is not the time” and enjoy the sun on your face.

Sounds easier said than done, but you will be shocked when you realize how many times a day you choose the easy route to be negative and complain. I have been taking the easy route for a few months now and it has gotten so bad it became depression. I need to get my life back into balance. I need to start looking at the bright side. I need to start being proud of myself. I need to start thinking optimistic thoughts, even if I don’t believe them. I know someday I will start to believe them again.

When ever I introduce someone to the LOA something bad always happens before something good does. It happened to me as well. When I was introduced to the LOA, I had a good life with a great guy, no debt, and many dreams. But once I started to think about having more and being better, everything fell apart. I do believe that that is part of the process. After I broke up with the guy, moved out, and moved home, I found better. I was in a better place with myself, I found my best friend and soul mate, I grew closer with my mom, I had goals. Then we decided to better our selves, move, and have an adventure. And everything went off balance again. When you tap into the LOA you attract what you need into your life, you also push out what you dont need. No one talks about that part. They only talk about the good stuff. But to get the good stuff you have to have the bad stuff.

Maybe the worse the bad stuff is, the better the good stuff is that is coming? (my optimism for the day – check)

All in all I am starting to restore my balance. I can now appreciate more things having been so low for so long. It is making it easier to see the good thing I do have. No one ever said it was easy, but they ALL say it is worth it.

Balance.

I am tipping the scale.

Lets do this!

Paradigm Shifting, Again

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Back in January I wrote about Paradigms and shifting my paradigm. It has been six months of struggling with my paradigm and I feel that things have gotten worse. But as I read that post again, I see that the goal was not to be better but to start change. The goal was to shift from my ordinary. Do something different.have an adventure. I had jumped out of my comfort zone and into a realm of unknown.

No one ever says change is easy. Lots has changed in my life. I have learned to budget better, I have learned to work more and harder, I have learned to prioritize, I have learned to not hold things in. I have learned that I need to have more respect for myself. I have learned what I was doing was OK, but to be great I need to change.

These past few months have been the hardest of my young 29 year life. I can either dwell on them or learn from them. I sit here again in Starbucks applying for my 50th job this week, and I have to consciously make the decision to be positive. It is not easy. I am learning that life hands you lemons, and in order to change you need to learn to make apple juice. I used to take it one day at a time. But soon that became to hard. Now I take it moment to moment.

I am changing, I am clearing out the bad to make room for the good. It is painful, but I have hope.

H.O.P.E = Hold On Pain Ends

I have faith that things will get better. But it all starts with me. Like I said in my last post. I need to start being proud of me. Once I master that I am sure it will all come together. You need a strong foundation in order build up. I have been knocked down to rock bottom and before I can go up I need to strengthen my foundation. I need to strengthen me. I need to push out the bad. Force myself to see the good. Make it a habit. Make it my Paradigm.

I used to do this daily, but I am not that person any more. I am so different than I was before. Before I didn’t know struggle, I didn’t know defeat, fear, or loss of pride. I was a great 125lb sexy, college graduate with the whole world in front of her. It just so happens that it slapped her in the face. This new me has different needs. This new me has different strengths. It is time to begin this life and stop dwelling on the past. I am a new work of art. A masterpiece.

One moment at a time.

Make List

Make Change

Find ME.

$80,000 a year

128lbs

All by September

GOALS

 

Defeat : Knowledge of what Dose NOT work!

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This weekend I learned that my boyfriend has more expenses that he has not been paying so that we could make rent. They are not little expenses either. He has been hiding them from me so I wouldn’t worry any more than I am. He is right I am now freaking out, but he should have told me so I could have know the severity of our situation.  My little victory last week was very short lived.

I woke up today with little hope, and feeling helplessly defeated. My boyfriend started a new job today and it took all of my energy to be excited and hide my tears. I can only hope it worked and that he thrives! After staying in the shower for too long and slowly sulking while walking the dogs, I told myself that today I am going to write about defeat, and leave it on the pages! No more dwelling in things I don’t know how to fix .  I am not laying in the hole any longer.

I sat down and  didn’t know where to start, so I googled “Defeat”. I was completely expecting negative, condescending, words to be in the definition. However, I was pleasantly surprised to find they were no where to be found.

  •      Defeat: is to win a victory over someone in a battle, or other contest. To beat or to over come.

It talked about defeat as if I had defeated something. I was feeling defeated, but in reality have I defeated something? Have I finally done something right? I kept reading further.

  • “Defeat is only a word. Defeat was the beginning of Victory” – Launa Rissadia

Defeat is the beginning of Victory. Have I made it to the bottom and now it is time to go up?

  • “To admit defeat isn’t failure, it is courage.” – Mickaveli

I am not a failure for admitting that I cannot go on? I am being courageous? How can this be? How can admitting that I am at my lowest point be courageous?

  • “Disappointment, defeat, and despair are tools God uses to show you the way.  Within this you will find your path…”  – Shah Kukh Khan
  • “Defeat should never be a source of discouragement, but rather a fresh stimulus.”       -Robert South

This is where I find myself? My path? This is a learning experience? I am doing OK? Things get better from here?

I woke up this morning struggling to function. Now, I am looking at this in a new light. I am learning what doesn’t work. I am learning that I need to change everything. I need to jump into something new. Maybe be a waitress, make more money and pay stuff off. Maybe I need to take a shitty job  that pays more for a year to get back on my feet. Maybe I need to just win the lotto. I don’t know … but I can tell you I am much more optimistic than I was this morning! I have a new perspective on my defeat. I am not alone, Defeat happens to the best. Failure is when you give up. I am not giving up!  I am not surrendering! The Law of Attraction has brought positive words to my screen today and I am very grateful. This defeat is a fresh stimulus to get me to do something new!

I got this.

List = Change

Lets start!

 

Change is Coming: My Motivational Monthly Rant

I have been looking back on the past few months and have noticed that I have become more and more negative. I used to pride myself on being positive and optimistic, easy going and affectionate. But I have changed. Negative thinking has changed me.

Ever since my hearing scare in November I have been struggling. Struggling with my health, my weight, my finances, my purpose, my place, everything. Just when I feel like I have a grip, something else happens. I have let myself slip into a negative tornado of dust. Spinning uncontrollably, unable to breath. It has to stop. My storm is still spinning, but the negative thinking has to stop.

I know there are many times I have said “today is the day”, but each time I am tested and fail. The way I look at it is every time we try something and fail, we learn something. I have learned something every time I have tried to be positive. It is not easy. It is a daunting task that is ongoing. It only takes one little thing to brake the gates that hold back the negative thoughts. Just one thing, could be a look from a stranger, cloths that don’t fit, telling someone your profession when you are not proud of it, being at your job that you are not proud of,  being late on rent (again). No matter how hard you try something comes up and reminds you of the lame reality you live in.

Change is hard, but nothing worth having is easy. The last few weeks I have been mad a the universe. I am mad that I have to go through these things when my perfect siblings don’t. People keep telling me they will go through their own demons, but still. It is not fair. Life is not fair. Karma doesn’t come around. You create your own reality. I have been sitting her waiting for life to bring me things. Waiting for the universe to give me my dose of karma. Waiting does nothing. I need to create my own reality. I am in charge.

I can do this. I can change my life. I am working on it the best I know how. Hope is the only thing keeping me going. My belief that there is more to life than this, is the only thing keeping me dreaming. I believe there is something more out there. I believe there is a purpose or level of satisfaction that I can reach. I am tired of being here. I am tired of not having what I want. I am tired of working 3 jobs and not being able to afford rent. I am tired!

A part of me is so pissed at the world that I am about to scream. I am about to break out into BITCH mode and take what is mine. (In a positive, legal way of course). I have hit the breaking point. I am done. I am ready for the biggest and brightest. I am ready to jump. I am ready to have a job with 401K options, I am ready to buy a home, I am ready to have friends, true friends, I am ready to get married, have kids, travel the world.

It is time to live not struggle!

Change is coming.

 

Daily Affirmations: the LIES we tell ourselves

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Affirmations: A statement said with CONFIDENCE about a perceived TRUTH.

I wrote a post a wile back that talked about feeling your daily affirmations. It has been a while since I have wrote that and I feel like I am still in the same boat… ok not really, I have been kicked off the boat and I am drowning. I feel like things have not gotten better and my anxiety and stress are through the roof. By saying all these positive things, and felling the positive words flow through me, aren’t I supposed to feel better for longer than 30 seconds.

Today I feel like I am about to break. I feel like I am so burnt out, stressed out, and just down right depressed. I took a few moments this morning to look back on the week to see where it all went to shit, and noticed that there have been some really negative people in my life lately. There is this guy at my day job that is likes to talk, and is normally really fun to talk to, but lately he has been venting all his problems to me. Me being the nice person I am, listened and indulged in his drama filled story tell the end. By the time he walked away I felt so angry and drained. I felt I needed a hot shower to get the negativeness off of me. He drained me of all the positive energy I had. Then, at my second job there is this gal that is a young army mom, that has this job to get away from the drama at home. All she does is vent about her kids and how her husband doesn’t know how to handle them when she is not there. Now I get she probably doesn’t have many friends, and she needs time to let off steam, but dang it took all my energy not to slap her and tell her to shut up!

I am a nice person. I am a great listener and give great positive advice. These are two traits about myself that I love.  But lately I have attracted some very negative people to me. I HAVE ATTRACTED THEM TO ME! Knowing that I attracted them to myself, I knew that something was wrong with the way I was thinking.

The definition of Affirmation is: a statement we say with confidence about a perceived truth. We need to say our affirmations with confidence, and FEEL the words being said. I have written blog post about this, I feel I have this part down. However, the second part is where I think I am getting it wrong. The part about the truth. This is where I am failing, and this is probably why positive affirmations are not working for me. I don’t believe what I am saying. When I say ” I am am money magnet”, I feel the positiveness, I imagine the money in my account, but a little voice in my head says “not a very strong one apparently”. Or I look my self in the mirror after saying it and say “sooner than later please”. I don’t believe it is going to happen. I feel like what I am saying to myself is a lie. Lying is not a positive trait. I am trying to be positive by lying to myself. If I know an affirmations is a lie why would I believe it.I need to find a way to say affirmations that I believe are true.

Instead of saying “I am a money Magnet” I am now going to say ” I allow the financial abundance to flow into my life”. This way it is a choice for me. When the money comes I will allow it to come into my life. Logical right. I am not a weak magnet that will hopefully get money to come to me. I am declaring that money is coming, and when it does I will accept it graciously.

Instead of saying ” I am 128 lb beautiful woman” I will now say ” I am healthy and I allow my body to return to its natural vibrant health.” Again a choice. I am allowing my body to change into a healthy version of itself. I am not overpowered by the number or how my cloths fit. I am simply healthy and health is drawn to me.

I cannot lie to myself anymore. I am attracting negative people in my life and I don’t have time for it. I want fun, vibrant, exciting people in my life. I want to celebrate milestones with people, I want to laugh with people. Don’t get me wrong, people can come to me with problems and I will listen and make it the best of the situation, but it wont drain me! No more lies! I am going to make these affirmations work for me!  I believe them. They are truths I am speaking into my life!

Be confident and believe what you are saying! That in itself is a positive thing!