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Can you remember who you were before the world told you who you should be? ~Danielle LaPorte

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I came across this quote the other day and I cannot stop thinking about it. I have never really thought that I was a person that let the opinions of others direct my life. However, the more I thought about, the more I realized that it is all I do.

My mom and I fight all the time. She accuses me of things I don’t do all the time. Naturally I get very offended because all I do is try to please her. I will never be good enough in her eyes. My dad hates my boyfriend (because he reminds him of him at his age) and it hurts me to the core that I cannot show him how great he is. My sister is perfect and has a great job, a home, a husband who makes a ton of money. My brother is an engineer, and all I do is compare myself and my life to theirs.

This is part of the reason I wanted to move to New York. To find me. Not be judged. That didn’t work out the way we planned, but we learned may other things.

If I stop blaming my mother, father, and my successful siblings, and really think about this question I found an answer.

Before I was what the world made me, I was an artist. I was creative. I loved to paint, and build. I loved putting things together and making things. I wanted to be an Architect.

Why did that change?

Mom told me that artist didn’t make much money. Dad said all the money was in real estate. Society said artist are hippies and broke. People said being a architect is hard.

So I stopped. I did everything but what I wanted to do. I had 5 majors in college. I am not doing anything with my actual major. I have gone back to school twice for two different degrees and have not finished them. Why? Because it got hard. Because I had no support. Because I wanted to go out and do other things besides homework.

So what now?

Do I get back on track? Do I go become an architect? Do I finish those degrees I haven’t finished then go back to school.

Some people say you just know when you are doing what you are meant to do. I have always wondered how they “just know”. How do they go from being completely miserable in there every day life to just knowing what is the right path. How do they see past all the anger and annoyances. How do they get past all the bad moods and bad days. How do they know when to jump ship.

I guess that is why it is called faith.

You don’t know.

You just try, and try again, tell you find it.

Well…That sucks.

How to Let it Go to the Universe

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The Law of Attraction states that we need to Ask for what we want, Believe we have it, and then we will Receive it. They say to start small with a parking spot, or a cup of coffee. But what I want is more than that. I know I can have it. I truly believe that the universe can bring it to me. However, I need to be 100% in line to receive it. Staying in that frequency is not easy.

Every morning I wake up and my hearing is different. Sometimes better, sometimes worse. When it is worse it get nervous, angry, and frustrated. It dictates my attitude for that day. It is very hard to get me out of that mind set. I know that if I don’t change my mind set and get on that frequency the universe is not going to bring me what I want. Knowing this I get more frustrated at myself and it is a downhill spiral.

I am trying to utilize the visualization process. I visualize myself sitting in the hearing booth taking my test. The audiologist comes out and looks shocked. She gets the Dr and he re gives me the test. Shocked as well he comes in to tell me that my hearing is normal. Like 100% in the normal range. I try to feel how excited and emotionally overwhelmed I would be. I try and feel the relief, disbelief, amazement, and excitement I would feel. I have printed out a audio-gram, on that I want my hearing to look like. I look at it at work every day. I imagine the ear piercings I would get if I didnt have hearing aids. I believe this miracle can happen.

Every day that I wake up without hearing , I feel like I push myself farther and farther away from my miracle. I have a hard time asking, believing, and letting it go to the universe. You rely on your hearing every day. Because it causes so much frustration and struggle when you cannot hear, I am constantly reminded that the universe has not delivered my miracle to me.

I dont know the answer. I dont know how it will happen. Practice makes perfect I guess.

I will get my hearing back.

It is a big wish but size doesn’t matter to the universe.

Ask.

Believe.

Receive.

Only Love will truly save the world. – Wonder Woman

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I was watching Wonder Woman last night (if you haven’t seen it you should), and really took to heart this quotes. If you have a ever read The Secret or believe in the law of attraction all they talk about is the power of love. The energy of love. The frequency of love.

I have been in a frequency of fear and anxiety the past few weeks. I can tell that I am attracting all of the circumstances that have happened to me. I lost my hearing yet again, I am stressed out living with my mom, I am having a hard time loving my hunny, I quit school because I couldn’t handle the stress (I only have 8 weeks left), and I have had an influx of medical bills. All because I am giving out the frequency of stress and anxiety. If the law of attraction works right than that is why i keep seeing these things in my life.

A week ago I asked myself why is faith so scary? Is it because if it doesn’t happen in the time frame you want it to makes it worse or is it because of the unknown? Is it because you may not get it? Is it because it is hard? The more I thought about it the more it didn’t make sense. You think of the cancer patient that has faith that they will get better. They live their days HAPPY and with HOPE and JOY. Wither they live or not they lived a HAPPY  JOYFUL life. Not one of uncertainty and fear, and the result could be the same anyway. I mean, we all know unhappy people that have money, we all know cranky people that are beautiful and healthy but they do nothing to enjoy those blessings.

This quote from Wonder Women really got me thinking. Love is a great frequency to be on. You need to love what you have, you need to feel love for what you want, and you cannot let that faith falter. I love being able to hear. I love the sound of water. Like powerful water, going over a water fall or a good drawn bath. Or even a really good thunder storm. The power that comes from that water is unbelievable. I love hearing that. I love my hunny. He has been here through all of this shit. He deserves the best of me now that he has seen me at my worst. I love working out, I need to make it a priority. I love the feeling I get when I finish a killer workout. I love big front porches on homes. I want a home with a big front porch and open kitchen.  These are the things I need to focus on. This is the frequency that is going to bring these things to me!

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It is all in what you believe, and I believe in love. Love conquers all. Why should I be afraid to have faith that my hearing will come back. I believe in miracles why cant I be one. I believe that you attract what you think about. Why not think about times when I could hear everything or think about the things I love to hear. Why should I be afraid of what could go wrong. My hearing is already gone it can only go up from here. The worst has already happened. I am a success story. I am a miracle!

Love will save the world. My world. One act of love at a time.

Decide

 

fishThere is always a choice about the way you work, even if there is not a choice about the work itself. Choose your attitude.

This is a quote from FISH! a book about Pikes Fish Market in Seattle. Who could enjoy working at a fish market…. well these guys do. I am only a few pages in and I have already decided that today is the day I decided to change. Today is the day I choose my attitude. I choose my thoughts. I choose my actions.

I am so excited! It is silly how much is in our control and we dont harness it. I am ready for this change I am going to take control of how I respond to things. Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to it.

Well…… here we go!

 

Hello World

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It has been some time since I have sat down and wrote. I have missed it. I have missed poring my thoughts  on to this page. I have missed the community of people that comment and notice my work. However, I have become much more positive since you have last heard from me.

” Life is not all sunshine and daisy’s”

Life sucks. There is no sugar coating it. I have learned that over the past two years that I have taken the bad, lived in it, and forgotten the good. There was a post on facebook the other day, I wish I had saved it, it was about energy. How we are beings made of energy. Energy is neither good or bad, but it is what we make it to be. I am reading a book series called Darker shades of Magic. (It is like a grown up Harry Potter) It talks about how magic is neither good nor bad, it simply is. It is how you use it that determines its form.

Between the  quote and the book it really clicked for me. I ma energy, what ever I feed it (good or bad) is what it survives on. I have been feeding on bad energy. It showed. You can see it in my post. But I have decided to stir up the positive magic in me and change that. I have control.

Stay tuned to hear more from me soon. The world has not taken the magic from me yet!

 

Just Let The Storm Pass

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Some days you just need to sit  and let the storm pass. I am sitting here at Starbucks trying to do my check ledger assignment that my financial advisory told me to do, and naturally I daydreaming out the window. It is snowing. Nothing special, no winter storm advisory type snow, or lets build a snow man snow. Just snow. It is very still, yet very chaotic. I made me think about how relaxing it is to just watch the storm pass by.

We all hit storms. Life is not all sunflowers and daisy’s. Some of us get caught in worse storms than others. Some of us even have to stay in storms longer than others. I think that those of us that are in that long tedious storm tend to get so caught up in the destruction, that we forget to see the things that survive.

I went to school in a po dunk town in Kansas. I learned quickly that I am terrified of wind. Tornadoes are one of my biggest fears in life. Their unpredictability, their strength, and shier terror give me goose bumps just thinking about them. I learned quickly that you cannot predict the storm, but you can prepare for it. (It is funny because I gave my maid of honor speech for my best friends (from Kansas) wedding on this very topic. Though that is a story for another day it is funny how things come full circle.)

The whole point is you cannot predict when bad things are going to happen, but they do. You can either focus on what it takes away (your home) or you can focus on what survived (your family). Tough times are inevitable, but we have the tools to survive them. I have the tools now to fix my finances. I may be in a hurricane of financial debt but I now know how to weather this storm and survive it. I am not focusing on what I am losing any more, I am focused on what I can save. What I can gain from this. This storm will not define me.

I am going to survive this storm.  Now that I am prepared, I can relax and let the storm pass.

 

 

 

Somedays you need a Positive Reminder

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I was reading a blog from @thehappylife101 and she mentioned a quote from Joel Olsteen about the power of ” I AM”. Having just had a really negative day, I needed the reminder.

“What follows I AM comes looking for you.” The law of attraction says what you think you become. It also says, ask and you shall receive. I have been trying to get better at my thoughts, but I have forgotten that what I say has an even more powerful effect on the universe.

I come in to work with the most positive, go getter attitude. Once negativity hits, I do my best to turn it around. However, I come home and I let everything out. I vent and vent and vent and at the end I say “I cant do this. I am so over this. I am done.”

The universe hears this and gives me more reasons to feel this way. It gives me more validation that I am done. I do believe it is healthy to vent out your feelings, however, what is the point of venting if you don’t try and find a solution.

I am a problem solver. I should see these types of days as a opportunity to fix a problem. I should vent with the intent to try and fix it. Maybe I should use more positive words or find a positive motive in the situation. I don’t know. But it has to stop. The amount of negativity that comes out of my mouth at home, is nothing that I even want to be around.

Another thing Joel Olsteen said in his sermon was about the importance of not putting yourself down in front of someone who thinks you are his prize. If you are with someone, you are with them because you think they are everything you have ever dreamt of. You wouldn’t be with them if they weren’t the man or woman of your dreams. So why would you think any less of yourself. Why would you say “I am not beautiful” to the man who has chosen you as his bride. Why would you say “I am not successful” to the man who is your pride and joy, who you are lucky to have. Why would you say “I am not good enough” to the man who fought long and hard for your attention. It is not only degrading you, it is degrading them.

“I AM” is a powerful statement. Make it count. What you say you attract. Ask and you shall receive. I am blessed. I am successful. I am beautiful. I am healthy. I am wonderful. I am funny. I am young. I am strong. I am a big deal. I am a great friend. I am a great sister.

I am going to get better at this.

 

Wake up and Pay Attention

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“If you want to be somebody, if you want to go somewhere you better wake up and pay attention.” ~ Sister Act II

With the new year comes new resolutions, and new goals.  But how often do we really act on them. I was sitting at home on New Years thinking about what my resolution would be, when I realized that the ones I had for this year are the same ones I have had for a few years now. This was also during my month long temper tantrum to the dark side, so I had another beer and grumbled away. But a few weeks later my ex-boyfriends mother (who happens to be a financial planner) called me.

Now I know what you are thinking because I thought it too. It is my Ex Boyfriends MOTHER! I didnt want to offend or hurt my current boyfriend, and love of my life, by talking to her nor did I want to let her think that I still loved her son. But I new that she could help me. I new that no matter how ridiculous my dreams and goals were she would be the one to believe them. I blew it off for a few days, tossing the idea around with the boyfriend, talked about the lofty dreams we had for the year, and came to the conclusion that what we were doing wasnt working and we needed help.

It was a great decision. She is helping us dissect our finances and she believes in our goal no matter how lofty they seam. She is positive and confident, she had an unwavering faith. She also has the answers we have been looking for. Granted it is only Jan 16th, but I already feel better knowing that she is helping us get to where we want to go.

Is it hard? Yes. Is it embarrassing getting your finances dissected to the last penny? Yes. But now we are paying attention.

You dont realize how much you are not paying attention to tell someone points it out to you. Like ladies, how many of you know exactly when your period is going to come? I know I dont. But it comes at the same time every month so we should know. Or how many of you track something that happens to your body like a illness or stresser? How often do you write down what you need to get done for the day and do it? How many times does your budget fail and you dont know why?  All of these things are attainable, we just need to PAY ATTENTION!

Listen to your gut. Pay attention to how much you eat. Pay attention to how your body feels. Really look at your bank account. Watch your calorie intake. Track that weird thing that your arm does every once in a while. Make to do list and do them before sitting down.

The power to be great is at our finger tips. We just need to wake up and pay attention!

Why do we Fall?

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I have spent the last few days binge watching a few of the movie series I have in my house. I started with Harry Potter (yes all 7 of them), the Matrix, then Batman (with Christian Bale). All movies with people who endure hardships, much worse than mine, and they never  give up. A few quotes from each movie really stuck with me.

We have both light and dark in us. It is what we choose to act on that determines who we really are. ~ Sirius Black

Why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick our selves back up. ~Alfred

My last post was full of hate and negativity. I was in a place that I didn’t want to be in. I am still there, but my view of it has changed. I thought it would be easier to live in that negative world, I thought it would be easier to just not care. However, I quickly learned that it is not easier. It hurts more, you only find more to be upset about. You never really give up. You want to, oh do you want to. But there is something inside that fights you. Fights against everything you have. Believe it or not it makes it harder to be negative and hateful.

We all have choices. I chose to be on the dark side. However, I still have light in me. I still have a spark. I dont know what this spark is, but I have felt it. It is the only thing keeping me going. It is the real me I have been searching for. The reason for my existence and it is fighting to stay alive.

Why do we fall? We fall to find our spark. We fall and keep falling until we realize that we have much to live for. We have a purpose. It is that one thing that fights you when you want to give up. It is that choking feeling you get when you cry out in pain and anger. It is that gut feeling that even though it is dark something, just something is out there that is good. That hope that something will change.

I have noticed in all of these movies every main character has a crazy grandma (Moana), a crazy mentor (Morphous, Dumbledore), or a care taker (Alfred) that pushes them to be the best they can be. They push them to do that one crazy thing, hold onto that one glimmer of hope. They hold them up when all they can do is look down. After watching Moana I thought about who that would be for me. My family is crazy but my grandparents are very logical, my best friend is in the same boat as me, and I don’t really have a mentor. But I do have my Christopher. My Christopher, who has been my rock, my shoulder to cry on, my positive force of light. He has been everything for me. No matter what my mind set has been he has always been there.

I have not been that person for him. If things were turned and he was the one being negative I don’t know if I could have been as strong as him. But he is my light. He is my little spark. He is the reason that I am still going. Because of him I have not given up. He makes me smile, laugh, feel uncomfortable. He makes me do things I would never think of doing. I holds my hand when a Disney movie makes me cry. He is positive even when we are at rock bottom. I have to do this for him. Someday the tables may turn and I need to be strong for him.

I have to change I want to change. I had to fall to learn who believes in me. I had to fall to learn how to be a positive force. We all fall. It is how we choose to get up that makes up who we are.

Ask

Believe

Achieve

 

 

The Dark Side

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Today/Tonight is supposed to be a night filled with reflection and hope. A night filled with excitement and goal setting. But for me, for me it is a day I realized that I have fallen deeper into the hole I have been running from. I told myself a few months back that I wasn’t going to blog unless I had something positive to say. Well not a lot has changed and I have been very quite. I decided to stay quiet because I new no one would listen. No one wants to listen to someone be negative. I know I don’t want too. Well, I have officially fallen to the dark side and I am going to tell the world about it.

This time last year we were in a rough spot. I lost my hearing, I was on this awful medication, we were broke, but we had Hope. We had a flame full of hope and adventure. We were in a new place we had all these new things around us. New places, new jobs, new beginnings. I had $12000 in the bank, a great credit score, and all the faith in the world that everything would be ok.

Today, I woke up to more overdraft fee charges, $60 in the bank, and shitty credit. We cannot pay rent, we cannot pay our car payments, nor our credit card bills. We need milk and dog food. I have a job I took for the money, that I HATE. And everyone on social media is reflecting on the wonderful things they are grateful for and have hope for the next year.

This is when I realized my flame has gone out. I have no hope left. My optimism, the very thing I pride myself on having no matter the situation, is gone. I have nothing left to give. I have thought throughout this year I have hit rock bottom a few times, only to have life hit me in the face and say “Ha the hole goes deeper!”. I have been tested. I have been tried. I have failed.

I have recently watched The Return of the Guardians a Dreamwork film with Jack Frost, Santa, the Easter Bunny, and such. They talk about finding your center. Finding what makes you a guardian. What really makes you you. I have wanted to know this for a long time. I have asked for help in finding this. My Family thinks I am crazy and need to be patient, my calling will come. Friends don’t know what to say. Strangers don’t listen, I mean,  who really wants to listen to someone bitch about how shitty their life is. I have followed great minds that I admire like Oprah, Ellen, J.K. Rowlings, Tony Robbins, Law of Attraction, Positive quotes, hoping, no searching for a clue or an way to find an answer. They all say the same thing. Find that one thing that you cant go without, that one thing that makes you happy and you would do for free. Then do it.

My problem is, I don’t know what that is for me.

I dont know how to find that answer. I dont know what I love to do. I love a lot of things. Some of which I would have to go back to school for. Some I would need experience to get into. But none that make me so nervous that I smile at that thought of it. I love traveling. I would love to travel all over the world. See everything. Eat everything. Experience everything. How do I find a job to help me do this? Even if I found a job that allowed me to do this, how do I pay the bills when I am so far in a hole.

I know J.K. Rowlings was older when she hit her fame, same with Ellen and Oprah. But I am at a point where the dark side is taking over. I have lost all hope. I am becoming the Sith lord I was sworn to protect myself against. My boyfriend is a true Jedi. Always hopeful. However the difference between him and I is that he is ok with were we are. I am not. I want out of here, I don’t ever want to be here again. He wants out to but not to the same extent. He is ok with what we have and happy with our family. I want more I know we are better than this. I am in the part of my story where I am talking with the enemy realizing his plan is not so bad. I will be 30 in march and have nothing to show for it.

I am not married, no kids, no home, no career. I have a boyfriend that my whole family hates, I am over weight, broke and unhappy. Now these things in themselves are not bad things but I want my family to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me.

I know that this is the problem. I know I care about how people view me. I shouldn’t but I dont blame them. If I saw me as a TV character, I would judge me as well. I want to travel. I what good credit so I can buy a home. I want a savings account so I can get married, and travel. I want to start a family. I want to have a career I love. Why is it so hard!

I have dreams. Big Dreams. But no Idea how to get them. No Idea how to find my dream job, to pay my bills and pay for my desire to travel. I would love to go back to school. There is so much I would love to learn. I would love to allow my boyfriend to go back to school. He deserves it. He deserves to go to school and study to be an engineer. He deserves someone that loves him for him and doesn’t try to change him. My anger and lack of faith is causing a huge nail in our relationship.

My flame has gone out. I give up. I don’t know how to get out of this mess. The money I make at this job I hate is not enough to get us out of here. I cant do this any more. There is no one left to ask for help. No one left to listen. I have nothing left to give.

I have thought about writing Ellen, Rowlings or Oprah, but I am not looking for a hand out. I am looking for a place to get answers. I am looking for someone to say do this and they can help. Do I need a life coach? Do I need a Financial Planner? Do I need to go back to school? WHAT!?!?!

I just want to know.

I am so tired of trying so hard just to fail.

I have lost the one virtue that I have prided myself on. Optimism. I am too tired. I am sick of trying for nothing.

30 years and nothing but scars to show for it. No home, no kids, no career, no ring. No travel stories. Nothing. Just scars and heart ache.

I am so much more than this.

Surely someone can see that.

Surely someone has an answer.