Category: Uncategorized

Whole Damn Fire

In my last post I wrote about how I was afraid of losing my spark. I was afraid that this job was killing me slowly. I was mindlessly surfing facebook when this post caught my attention.

whole-damn-fire

It was the sign I have been looking for. This may not be the job of my dreams but I cannot let it dull my fire! I cannot let it destroy me! I will not let it get me down! I am a warrior! I have passion and a fiery energy about me! I will not let others take this from me!

I am going into work today ready to conquer it ! I am ready to take on my task and be the best I can be. I am ready to ask questions, initiate meetings, and kick A**!

Some times you just need to stop and look around, the universe is giving you the signs you are asking for. You just need to be paying attention!

 

 

My Spark

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Photo credit: Drew Rosier Professional Illustrator

I have been in training for my new job for three weeks, and I have been in the job for a week. I am not giving up, however it has been a struggle. Lots of tears, not much support, and a huge amount of uncertainty. My biggest fear right now is that I am losing my spark.

I fear I am losing the one thing that makes me me. I flame is going out. I am so close to giving up. I am so close to just going back to live in my moms basement. I am so close. I cant even tell you what I enjoy doing any more.

I am scared that if I stay and “tough this out” I will lose myself completely. I am dancing with the line between a job being hard, and a job being destructive to my soul.

I moved here to find myself. Maybe you have to loose yourself before you can find out who you really are, but where is the line. When does it get better. I am sick of crying on my lunch and when I get home every day. I just want to be valued and be in a positive work environment, and make my bills in the mean time. Why is this so much to ask? Why cant I shake this?

“They” say that it gets hard before it gets better…. well it is too hard.

I am giving myself false motivation because it is better than no motivation.

I need help. I want a better job. I want to be me and enjoy life again. I want to be happy. I am sick of crying. I want to be adventurous and have time to do the things I love. I want to get married. I want my boyfriend to see the good side of me. I know it is not easy for him to see me sad all the time. I want to go home. I dont know what to do.

Do I quit. Do I move. Do I keep pushing. When do I realize that all these bad things that have happened are a sign that we shouldn’t be here. When do we realize that this was a bad choice. When do we give up. Why can I not get another job. Why cant I get the job I feel I deserve. Is it me am I not deserving. Do I need to go back to school. WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!

I am sick of guessing I NEED ANSWERS!

I need a direction.

I need a path.

I need a mentor.

I need help.

I need God to be more obvious. I need him to write me an email. I need him to put someone in my life that can push me in the right direction. I need something!

PLEASE

The Fly

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I have been at training for my new job for three days now, and I have been having a hard time accepting my reality. I feel this I am already dreading the job I have to do. I keep reminding myself why I took this job. Why I am here. The goals I have to achieve. But it has not been easy. I keep thinking about how I can do so much better than THIS job.

Throughout my stay here in training (it is out of state) there has been an abundance of Flies everywhere I go. They are in the training room, in the store, in Chilies, in Panara, in the grocery store, in the bank, at the gym, in Starbucks, EVERYWHERE!

I was starting to think it was me (Though I have showered every day I have been here). It was getting so bad that I decided to look up the spiritual meaning behind Flies. Here is what I found.

Reevaluate your thoughts about yourself. You are worth far more than you think!-Fly

If Fly has flown across your path;Know that quick and abrupt changes in your thoughts, emotions and endeavors are afoot. Rapid changes in all aspects of your life are currently happening for you so be prepared to move quickly even in unfavorable and uncomfortable conditions. Fly can also signify an exponentially growing source of abundance is available for you right now. Use your keen eyesight to see the way. Never give up.

Alternatively this insect could be reminding you that your persistence in reaching yourgoals will bare fruit sooner than later. Even if it means annoying others or being selfish for a while – you do have the ability to accomplish your goals.

http://www.spirit-animals.com/fly/

Boom!

I was so shocked. This is my life! This is what I am going through, and this little pest is telling me something!!! I cannot believe a fly would be a positive omen! Abundance, Change, Persistence. I can do this! I can achieve this goal. I need to change my thoughts and get through this. One step at a time.

This little thing is telling me to pay attention. To be aware. Good things are coming.

I needed this today.

Never give up.

Always follow your gut!

 

 

My New Adventure

Trail

I am sitting here in a hotel room waiting for my roommate (who I have never met) who will be joining me for training for my new job this week. I am scared, nervous, anxious, excited, and worried all at the same time. This is my new adventure. This is my new start. This is a new beginning.

I know I am going to be great at it. I know I am going to excel beyond expectations. I know I am going to shine. I am not worried about any of those things. I am worried about liking the job. I am worried that I wont love it. I am worried I will have to start again. I am worried that all this time will be for nothing.

But I keep telling myself, you never know tell you try, you never know who you will meet, and you never know what opportunities will come from it. They say that if it scares you, you should probably do it. Well, here I am. Lets see what this is all about.

I think my biggest fear is disappointment. I hope that this job is challenging, exciting, rewarding, and they promote often. I hope that I love this job. I dont want to get into another job and master it in three months just to be back to square one of looking for another job. I dont want to be disappointed in myself again.

I want to thrive. I want to look my best. I want to be proud of the job I have and be proud to tell people about it. I want to feel good about what I do.

This adventure is about me. My goal is to go into it with a level head, clear mind, and positive energy. I will do my best at everything I do, and even try to do better. I need to set goals every day and achieve them. I can do this. This is a new beginning. Nothing is standing in my way.

Tomorrow I am going to get there early, look sharp, and be in the moment. I wont let my mind go astray. I will focus on the task at hand and look forward to the rewards at the end. I can do this. I am doing this for the opportunities it will bring to my life. Both financially and for my career.

I pray the universe gives me a sign letting me know I am in the right spot and on the right track. I am so afraid that I am making a wrong choice. I know it is a good one logically. I know it is a good one financially. I know it can offer a lot for me career wise. I just hope that it is in line with my purpose or gets me closer to it.

I have faith. I believe that everything happens for a reason.

Wish me luck!

Courage

quote

“The first step to getting what you want is having the courage to get rid of what you dont.”

The other day I decided to take the job that I have been so afraid of. I wrote a wonderful heart felt two week notice letter to my current employer and let him know that it was for financial reasons that I was leaving. At first he only accepted one week of the two that I offered him. This came to a shock to me because I was under the impression that I was well liked there. Monday morning came around for my last week and I get a call from my HR lady (His secretary) and she informed me that my boss doesn’t think I should come in this week. I was stunned. I had never in my life ever been asked not to work the last two weeks of my job.

For a moment I took it personally. What had I done, where did I go wrong, but then I realized that it had nothing to do with me. My boss is pissed that I left his control. He is upset that I will no longer be there to wait on his hand and foot. He was mad that I know better things are out there.

This quote came to me the day I gave my notice. It didn’t mean anything tell Monday. That job was so toxic and negative that it was draining my ability to grow. I had asked the universe for an opportunity to grow and thrive. The universe had to drop me from this toxic job in order for me to see how awful it was. The universe was listening. I didn’t have the courage to let go of this terrible job that was holding me back. It had to be taken from me. It is now Wednesday and I have done nothing but what I want to do for two days and I am a brand new person!!!

I am working out two times a day. I have time to do my crafts and color. I have time to do laundry when I want to. I have time to watch that movie, or read that book. These next two weeks are all about me and getting my mind back to success mode. Once I start this new job I will be at my old 100% self. Ready to take on the new challenge and thrive!

It was a blessing in disguise. The universe was looking after me. I now know if something is bad for me I shouldn’t linger in it too long. I need to get rid of it and move toward the amazing things that life has to offer.

Here’s to moving forward. Here’s to dropping the dead weight. Here’s to having the courage to keep going!

Let this new journey begin!!!

Write what you LOVE

Some days you just need to remind yourself what you love about life. It is always easy to  talk about what you don’t like. Take a moment today and write down what you do like. It will change your perspective and attitude for the day!

I love my Monday – Friday Job

I love the location of my Job

I love the freedom at my job.

I love the way my Christopher makes me laugh.

I love how my Christopher always has something positive to say

I love my Christopher Blue eyes

I love the location of my home.

I love the the colors of the walls in my home.

I love my big closet

I love my back porch area

I love that there is a dog park in my complex.

I love that there is a work out room in my complex

I love that we have a full basement and Garage

I love our neighbors.

I love the gas milage I get with my car.

I love how small my car is

I love that it is higher off the ground than a car but not as big as a SUV

I love that I have money in the bank

I love that the trees turn Red in the fall

I love the food here in WNY

I love that I am so close to family that I havent seen in ages

I love my hair

I love my eyes

I love my determination to succeed

I love my smile

I love my legs

I love my self

Rock Bottom

My post today is about why I am angry and depressed. I hit a new low. I yelled at my dad. I disrespected his mom (my grandma), and I am slacking MAJORLY at my job. I just dont care any more. I am sick of being positive. It has not gotten me any where. So I decided to write down why I am angry at everyone. (If you dont want to listen to negative talk leave now)

My Dad

I am mad at my dad for many reasons. I am mad he cheated on my mom. I am mad that he never paid a dime in child support. I am mad he tries to get me on his side by talking bad about my mom and her family. I am mad that he thinks he knows what is best for me. He doesnt even have his life together why should I listen to him. He continues to talk badly of he ex girlfriend when she was the best thing that ever happened to him. He judges EVERYONE. He needs to just focus on his own shit and once he figures it out then he can talk. I am mad that he hates my boyfriend. I wish he would just see Chris for how happy he makes me. Ya he is not a DR and cannot afford for me to be a stay at home mom, but trust me he wants to. I wish he would see the love and support that he gives me. I wish he would just put his shitty judgement aside and see Chris for all the love that he gives. I hate how my dad talks everyone about everyone elses business. I hate how he always says he can help when the next job comes though. I hate that he lectures me on how to be positive and good things will come when he cannot even get it right in his life.

My Mom

I am mad at my mom because she cannot give me the attention that I so dearly want. I am mad that she never gave me the support I want from her. I am mad that she always looked at me and saw my dad and not me. I am mad because she told me about all the bad things dad did to her. I was a kid. I didnt need to know. I am mad that she thinks I am a bad person and did drugs, when I was the kid walking away from all of it. I am mad that she doenst know how to help me. I am mad that she compares me to my siblings. I am mad that I was never good enough for her. I am mad that she thinks I need to be on medication. I am mad that she is more excited for my brother to get married than me.

My grandma

I am mad that she feels the need to tell everyone everyone else’s problems. I am mad that she feels superior to everyone. I am mad that she manipulates people to make her look like the good guy. I am mad that she talks badly of my mother. I am mad that she cannot see me for who I am and what I am capable of. I am mad that she feels that this is ok to do to everyone.

My Sister

I am mad at my sister because she is perfect. She has the perfect house, career, and husband. She got good grades, got her MBA and is thriving. I am mad because I am not there. I am mad that I cannot be her. I am mad that she will never understand my struggles therefore she will never be able to help me.

My Self

I am mad I didnt do better in school. I am mad I didnt try harder in school and focus on something that would lead to a career. I am mad that I am not where I want to be. I am mad that I am lazy. I am mad that I might be settling. I am mad that I dont know if I am settling. I am mad that I cannot shake this and move on. I am mad I cannot be more positive and over come this. I am mad at the decisions I have made in the past. I am disappointed in myself for not trying harder. I am disappointed that I let my fitness level sink to a new low. I am mad that I cannot get out of this hole. I am mad that I let me self fall in this hole. I am just so mad and disappointed in myself.

I get mad at my dogs for being dogs and peeing on the carpet because we are gone 10hr a day working.

I get mad at my car for pooping out on me.

I just cannot shake this. I am so ANGRY!

I cannot tell people why I am angry because it is years and years of built up little things. I cannot let it go for some reason. I dont know if I need to try and tell them why I am angry and see if that will let out frustration. I just dont want to have to give examples. I just want them to listen, and I know they wont it will become a big discussion.

I am just angry there is no one out there that can help me but me, and I dont know how to fix it.

One Simple Change

” You need to learn how to select your thoughts just the same way you select your cloths every day. This is a power you can cultivate. If you want to control thing in your life so bad, work on the mind. That’s the only thing you should be trying to control.”

I was on twitter this morning and this quote came up and got me thinking. The first part about choosing your thoughts like you choose your clothes. I sometimes (ok most of the time) dont put much thought into my outfit. I still look nice, I just dont put as much effort as I should in it. Now this could be because I hate my job, or I am lazy, but the point is if I dont put much effort into that decision I know I dont put much effort into selecting my thoughts.

Now over time I have just let the negative thoughts take over my mind. It is the easier choice. I know some of you have noticed that in my post lately. But this quote puts a lot in perspective for me. I need to pay attention to what I wear, how I look, who I smile at. I need to be more present in the moment. I may be physically and mentally exhausted but that is no excuse. I can take ten minutes put a little effort into my looks. Or make a hearty breakfast. Or play with the dogs. I am so focused on how things are going to work out, and how terrible my job is, that I have forgotten the important things that can HELP change my thoughts.

If I show up for work looking HOT people may compliment me (hence improving my mood). If I wake up and make eggs instead of cereal I may make better choices on food the rest of the day. If I play with the dogs before or after a walk they may not eat my shoes while I am gone. It gives life possibilities. 

Right now I am feeling hopeless. By putting a little effort in in the morning it COULD change my whole day. It will take time and effort but I believe this is something I can do. I am a morning person. I can do one more thing. It is worth it for a possibility of things changing.

This is my new goal. In the morning take the time to do something simple. Play with the dogs, make a good breakfast, dress to impress.

New goals new things.

I need to keep changing things up. Staying here is not an option. One step at a time.

Here

We

Go

 

My Dream Job

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Today I have decided to describe my dream job. I am going to use the power of The Secret and focus my energy onto the things I want.

My job will allow me to work 7-3 Monday through Friday.

My job will pay me $65,000 a year. With paid benefits, paid vacation, and 401k.

I will be surrounded by wonderful, positive, motivated people.

I will be able to work with people and be up and moving most of the day.

I will be able to help people.

I can walk to work if I wanted to.

I will have many opportunities for advancement.

I will have an office with lots of windows and sunlight. I will have a desk with many positive quotes, images, and love on it. The desk will be a light oak, with lots of space for writing. Possibility for a stand up desk option.  A Blue balance ball for a chair. Scented with my peppermint Pink Zebra warmer. A light oak coat rack in the corner. Beautiful scenery photos on the walls.

I will be challenged and supported. Motivated and competitive. With a great team of people to work for.

I will be able to give them the best of what I have to offer every day and get acknowledged for it!

Have my full potential utilized and have new skills to learn.

I got this.

There Universe I asked. I believe this job is out there!

Thank you Thank you Thank you!

 

Fear Is Powerful

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I just had a wonderful follower of mine comment on my resent post, and it really shook me awake. I am so grateful for the comment because they were right. I was stuck in a  negative spot and couldn’t see anything but bad things. I was so afraid that all these things could happen that I forgot to see the flip side of the coin.

Fear is a powerful emotion. It can suck you into deep places and blind you from ever venturing out into the light. I have some of my best memories from overcoming fear. I was terrified to ride a motorcycle, but I got my license and now I am a Harley riding bad ass. I over came my fear of heights and climbed up to a fire watch tower (on these stairs that go over a cliff) and saw the best view of Colorado I have ever seen in my life. Sadly, fear was consuming me yesterday.

All I could see was the bad things that could happen. I had my blinders on and was not looking anywhere but. Yes all these things could happen, but so could a ton of positive things.

This could be an opportunity for me to get out of debt. This could be an opportunity for me to shine and have someone see. Maybe even have someone offer me something bigger and better. This is an opportunity to grow and change. It would provide me and opportunity to maybe move back home. My grateful follower also mentioned that this isn’t forever. I can always quit. I can always find something else. Is is scary? Sure, but nothing is scarier that staying somewhere you don’t belong.

I need to change my thinking. I have been negative for so long it is now my go-to process. I need to change that. I need to rewire my brain to think positive again. This wont be a quick fix but it will be worth it. I am going to write this on my list of things to do. Overcome fear. Do something I am afraid of every day. ….

Thank you for listening. Thank you for being here through my journey. Thank you for encouraging me to be the best I can be.

Faith.

List.

Change.

Boom.