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Paradigm Shifting, Again

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Back in January I wrote about Paradigms and shifting my paradigm. It has been six months of struggling with my paradigm and I feel that things have gotten worse. But as I read that post again, I see that the goal was not to be better but to start change. The goal was to shift from my ordinary. Do something different.have an adventure. I had jumped out of my comfort zone and into a realm of unknown.

No one ever says change is easy. Lots has changed in my life. I have learned to budget better, I have learned to work more and harder, I have learned to prioritize, I have learned to not hold things in. I have learned that I need to have more respect for myself. I have learned what I was doing was OK, but to be great I need to change.

These past few months have been the hardest of my young 29 year life. I can either dwell on them or learn from them. I sit here again in Starbucks applying for my 50th job this week, and I have to consciously make the decision to be positive. It is not easy. I am learning that life hands you lemons, and in order to change you need to learn to make apple juice. I used to take it one day at a time. But soon that became to hard. Now I take it moment to moment.

I am changing, I am clearing out the bad to make room for the good. It is painful, but I have hope.

H.O.P.E = Hold On Pain Ends

I have faith that things will get better. But it all starts with me. Like I said in my last post. I need to start being proud of me. Once I master that I am sure it will all come together. You need a strong foundation in order build up. I have been knocked down to rock bottom and before I can go up I need to strengthen my foundation. I need to strengthen me. I need to push out the bad. Force myself to see the good. Make it a habit. Make it my Paradigm.

I used to do this daily, but I am not that person any more. I am so different than I was before. Before I didn’t know struggle, I didn’t know defeat, fear, or loss of pride. I was a great 125lb sexy, college graduate with the whole world in front of her. It just so happens that it slapped her in the face. This new me has different needs. This new me has different strengths. It is time to begin this life and stop dwelling on the past. I am a new work of art. A masterpiece.

One moment at a time.

Make List

Make Change

Find ME.

$80,000 a year

128lbs

All by September

GOALS

 

Time to Take Pride

“All your life, other people will try to take your accomplishments away from you. Don’t you take it away from yourself.”

― Michael Crichton, The Lost World

My mom came into town this weekend to visit me and my sister. She hasn’t come to visit me since I moved in November. I was so excited she was going to be staying with me. I deep cleaned the house, decorated extra nice, made sure it was a place she would say “wow this is a great place”. I couldn’t wait for her to pull into the parking lot.

Now three days later I am exhausted, stressed, and really down on my self. My sister is the “perfect child”. She has a career, a wonderful husband, a home, savings, she has her shit together. I am the “Free Spirit” of the family. All I have ever wanted is for my mom to be proud of me for things that I have done in MY way. After this weekend I know that wont happen. Not because of her or because my sister is perfect and I will never live up to her standard, but simply because I am not proud of myself.

I am not proud that I have debt collectors calling me. I am not proud that I dont have a career. I am not proud that I am 15lbs over weight. I am not proud that I am stuck here in this God awful state. I am however, too proud to admit it. I am too proud to ask for help.To proud to work weekends.

I want to start doing better for me. Really. I dont want to be this. This is not me. I want things to get better.  I have noticed that the last few months I have stopped doing little things that are important. Not big things, little things that dont make a difference tell you dont do them. I have started to slack off on brushing my teeth before bed. I have not been working out (something I LOVE to do). I eat when I am not hungry. I have stopped being positive. I have stopped being grateful. I have stopped praying. I have stopped caring about how I dress. I have stopped wearing makeup.

It didnt happen all at once but it has now gotten to a point to where I have noticed. I used to be so proud of my body. I was a D1 Athlete. I had great legs, a amazing back, rock hard abs. Now I hunch, and have a gut. I dont carry myself the same way. My teeth are not as white and my smile doesn’t sparkle. I have lost all hope in myself. I feel like my inner flame has gone out.

I keep saying “I used to be this and used to be that” and I need to stop doing that. I cannot keep looking backwards expecting to move forward. I need to start being the me I am now. The me I was then, has changed. I need to stand up for myself and get this shit started. Starting with me.

I am going to brush my teeth twice a day. I am going to take pride in my outfits. Maybe even wear makeup to work. I am going to work out once a day. I am going to talk to a financial adviser and see what my best options are for debt consolidation. I am going to get out of this mess. Why is this so hard? Why am I so sad? Why can’t someone save me? What is the answer? I am so tired of trying…… I just need some help.

I am going to find me…. I can do it.

It starts with Self Pride.

I will find my fire.

I will find me.

The World doesnt owe you anything, and that is a HARD lesson to Learn.

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We sit here and look at social media, and the news and hear about all these wonderful things happening to people. The “Chewbacca mom” getting thousands of dollars for being funny, waiters getting HUGE tips to follow their dreams, a good samaritan paying off medical debt. Though I am happy for those people, I cant help but thing why not me.

I keep thinking about these certain scenarios and have come to realize that all these people all did something. The chewbacca mom posted a video, the waitress was extremely nice  and attentive working odd hours. All these people did something. This made me realize that I am not really doing anything. I am working three jobs, but I am not nice and attentive, I am kind of depressing. I am not having fun posting videos, I am worrying about things I cannot control. I am not networking positively to the universe. I need to do something.

I have written about this before but never realized that I really don’t do anything. Making lists is making me accountable for my actions. I am realizing how low I have sunk. I need a list to tell myself to do laundry, dishes, work out, clean the house, apply for jobs. You don’t realize how bad you are in tell you write it down and look at it.

The past few weeks I have felt like I have been in the five stages of denial. I finally the other day admitted that I was depressed. before that I was angry that I am where I am, I tried to bargain my way out of it by selling my car lowering payments, when that didn’t work I realized that I am depressed, and now I am accepting my situation. It sucks, life doesn’t owe you anything. You need to work for it.

I need to DO something. I need to act. I need to climb out of this. I need a plan. My list help me to create that plan. It is a start. But we all  need to start somewhere. I need to get my finances in order. I need to put my head down and DO. I need to stop comparing myself to others and DO something about it.

I hope that others in my situation read this and know they are not alone. It may feel like it because you have pushed all your friends away, and your family doesn’t know how to help (or you don’t want to ask them for it). But I promise that we are on the right path. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. This is the hardest lesson in life to learn. Life doesn’t owe you anything, BUT you owe yourself everything! 

Lets do this!

List = Change

 

Defeat : Knowledge of what Dose NOT work!

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This weekend I learned that my boyfriend has more expenses that he has not been paying so that we could make rent. They are not little expenses either. He has been hiding them from me so I wouldn’t worry any more than I am. He is right I am now freaking out, but he should have told me so I could have know the severity of our situation.  My little victory last week was very short lived.

I woke up today with little hope, and feeling helplessly defeated. My boyfriend started a new job today and it took all of my energy to be excited and hide my tears. I can only hope it worked and that he thrives! After staying in the shower for too long and slowly sulking while walking the dogs, I told myself that today I am going to write about defeat, and leave it on the pages! No more dwelling in things I don’t know how to fix .  I am not laying in the hole any longer.

I sat down and  didn’t know where to start, so I googled “Defeat”. I was completely expecting negative, condescending, words to be in the definition. However, I was pleasantly surprised to find they were no where to be found.

  •      Defeat: is to win a victory over someone in a battle, or other contest. To beat or to over come.

It talked about defeat as if I had defeated something. I was feeling defeated, but in reality have I defeated something? Have I finally done something right? I kept reading further.

  • “Defeat is only a word. Defeat was the beginning of Victory” – Launa Rissadia

Defeat is the beginning of Victory. Have I made it to the bottom and now it is time to go up?

  • “To admit defeat isn’t failure, it is courage.” – Mickaveli

I am not a failure for admitting that I cannot go on? I am being courageous? How can this be? How can admitting that I am at my lowest point be courageous?

  • “Disappointment, defeat, and despair are tools God uses to show you the way.  Within this you will find your path…”  – Shah Kukh Khan
  • “Defeat should never be a source of discouragement, but rather a fresh stimulus.”       -Robert South

This is where I find myself? My path? This is a learning experience? I am doing OK? Things get better from here?

I woke up this morning struggling to function. Now, I am looking at this in a new light. I am learning what doesn’t work. I am learning that I need to change everything. I need to jump into something new. Maybe be a waitress, make more money and pay stuff off. Maybe I need to take a shitty job  that pays more for a year to get back on my feet. Maybe I need to just win the lotto. I don’t know … but I can tell you I am much more optimistic than I was this morning! I have a new perspective on my defeat. I am not alone, Defeat happens to the best. Failure is when you give up. I am not giving up!  I am not surrendering! The Law of Attraction has brought positive words to my screen today and I am very grateful. This defeat is a fresh stimulus to get me to do something new!

I got this.

List = Change

Lets start!

 

The Secret Scroll of learning

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“Your life is a learning process – you can only become wiser from learning. Sometimes you might have to attract making a painful mistake to learn something important, but after the mistake you have far greater wisdom. Wisdom cannot be bought with money- it can only be acquired through living life. With wisdom comes strength, courage, knowing, and an ever-increasing peace.”

– Rhonda Byrne

This was my Secret Scroll that gets emailed to me through the website thesecret.tv. This is my quote of the day. This is the optimism I am going to use in my situation. I am Learning. I am learning something now that requires me to struggle like this. There is a reason for me to be here in this shit.

Yesterdays post was very real, very hard, very honest. I am in a bad spot. I had a follower comment on my last post and she said, thank you for your honesty. This touched me. For some reason I was supposed to write that blog yesterday. Maybe it  will help someone else not feel so alone. Maybe it will attract someone to help me. Maybe it was a way for me to get my feelings out of my head so I can create space for positive thoughts. I don’t know. But I feel that that comment made me feel better. If I can feel better by being honest, that’s a positive thing! I am learning that it is OK to be honest about how you feel. It is not wrong or bad to feel this way. It is a learning process.

The list I made yesterday I think is a good start to moving forward. I only got two of seven things done (I had a softball game, but your right no excuses) but it holds me accountable for my shit. It keeps me in check. Keeps me learning.

Today I woke up and made my list, and at the top of the list is my goal of looking at the bright side of everything that happens today. Today Rent is due and we were able to pay rent. Bright Side: we have a home for another month! Thank GOD! Can we eat this week, no, but we can stay out of the street! That is important! One accomplishment at a time.

I still have my list. I am going to accomplish more on it today than yesterday. I am learning something, something important, something big. I am more than this. I am bigger than this. There is something BIG in store for me. I am not just a receptionist. I am so much more!

List = Change. It is not much of a plan but at least I have one.

 

Make Lists, Make Change

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With the rain today I finally have come to a realization, I am depressed. I have finally lost all motivation to do the things I love. People are finally sick of me talking about being worthless. I dont want to get up in the morning. I cant pretend any more. I am depressed.

I was reading a article today about Kristen Bell, and how she struggled with Depression. A successful, rich, beautiful woman is depressed. She seems to have all the things that I feel I am depressed about. Yet she is still depressed. She mentioned how  depression is about your self worth. How you feel about yourself. I keeps saying if I had money my problems would go away, or if I would just loose weight I would feel better, or if I new what I wanted to do with my life I would be happy. Kristen made me realize that it has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with how I feel about me.

My boyfriend got an amazing job opportunity a few weeks ago. He is so excited about it. He deserves it. He works hard, he is always positive, he never complains. He totally deserves ever dollar, and opportunity he is getting. I am excited for him too. I am so happy for him. Our financial situation will be better too. But in my head I am saying “why not me?When is my break? Am I not a good person?  Do people not want me? ”

I know I shouldn’t think this way, but I do. He has 10 plus years in his field. He is very skilled. I have skills too…. just not specialized like his. I cant even talk about it to him any more. I cant even pretend to be happy, and I can tell it is getting to him. Our relationship is fine, our intimacy is not. Our conversations are stale. He still loves me, but he is stressed too. With the rain and thunder today, I have decided to make list, to make a change.

I have to change. I dont want to be here. I need to change my state of mind. I need to keep busy so I dont focus on the negatives. I have a ton of stuff I “could” do but dont because I dont feel like it. But today is different. I HAVE to. Just like the rain HAS to come and be dark, the only difference is that the rain passes. It is time to make this pass. I am going to do so with lists.

Here is my list for today:

  • Write a Blog
  • Take a Photo
  • Take the dogs for a walk
  • Put the laundry away
  • Clean the bathroom
  • find trivia quizes for your down time at work
  • meditate for 10 min tonight
  • Dont look at your phone after 7 tonight

Seems like normal routine stuff, but I haven’t done any of it in weeks. My laundry is still in the dryer, my bathroom is filthy (and I live with a boy and two dogs), I never make time for myself, it has gotten bad. I need to make a goal to do my lists. I do well with lists. Writing things down and crossing them off works for me. I just need to do it. I dont want to go on medication. I cannot afford to talk to anyone. I need to do this for me.

I got this. List = change. One day at a time. That is all I have control over. By having lists I am trying to focus on the now. Not stressing over the future, or why I dont know what I want to do, or my relationship. I am focused on now and what I can do. All simple tasks. But when I complete them, at the end of the day I can say ” I did it “.

That in its self is an accomplishment.

Change is Coming: My Motivational Monthly Rant

I have been looking back on the past few months and have noticed that I have become more and more negative. I used to pride myself on being positive and optimistic, easy going and affectionate. But I have changed. Negative thinking has changed me.

Ever since my hearing scare in November I have been struggling. Struggling with my health, my weight, my finances, my purpose, my place, everything. Just when I feel like I have a grip, something else happens. I have let myself slip into a negative tornado of dust. Spinning uncontrollably, unable to breath. It has to stop. My storm is still spinning, but the negative thinking has to stop.

I know there are many times I have said “today is the day”, but each time I am tested and fail. The way I look at it is every time we try something and fail, we learn something. I have learned something every time I have tried to be positive. It is not easy. It is a daunting task that is ongoing. It only takes one little thing to brake the gates that hold back the negative thoughts. Just one thing, could be a look from a stranger, cloths that don’t fit, telling someone your profession when you are not proud of it, being at your job that you are not proud of,  being late on rent (again). No matter how hard you try something comes up and reminds you of the lame reality you live in.

Change is hard, but nothing worth having is easy. The last few weeks I have been mad a the universe. I am mad that I have to go through these things when my perfect siblings don’t. People keep telling me they will go through their own demons, but still. It is not fair. Life is not fair. Karma doesn’t come around. You create your own reality. I have been sitting her waiting for life to bring me things. Waiting for the universe to give me my dose of karma. Waiting does nothing. I need to create my own reality. I am in charge.

I can do this. I can change my life. I am working on it the best I know how. Hope is the only thing keeping me going. My belief that there is more to life than this, is the only thing keeping me dreaming. I believe there is something more out there. I believe there is a purpose or level of satisfaction that I can reach. I am tired of being here. I am tired of not having what I want. I am tired of working 3 jobs and not being able to afford rent. I am tired!

A part of me is so pissed at the world that I am about to scream. I am about to break out into BITCH mode and take what is mine. (In a positive, legal way of course). I have hit the breaking point. I am done. I am ready for the biggest and brightest. I am ready to jump. I am ready to have a job with 401K options, I am ready to buy a home, I am ready to have friends, true friends, I am ready to get married, have kids, travel the world.

It is time to live not struggle!

Change is coming.

 

I am there

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Have you ever been so stressed out that when someone asks how things are going you just cry.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed that you cannot hold it together but cant tell any one because you feel like they dont want to hear it any more from you.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed that your hair is falling out in the shower in clumps.

I am there.

Have you ever just been so stressed you dont know how long you can keep it together.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed you start stressing about how it is effecting your brain.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed your smile cannot hide the pain any more.

I am there.

I cried at work today because someone asked how my second job was going. I smiled and said “good” and started crying… for no reason. I pulled myself together (after 5 min of crying in the bathroom) and walked back out and she hugged me. I cried again. I went to my car and prayed. I dont know what to do.

I am here.

 

Photo Credit : www.personal.psu.edu500 × 368Search by image

Is Faith the Missing Piece?

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I have always been a spiritual person. Some times more than others. When things were good I went to church for the music, to de-stress and hear a good word. But once I was “saved” the word didn’t do anything for me. I didn’t get the same meditative clarification. My pastor was a great evangelist. He was great at bringing people in and getting them excited, but he didnt do well at keeping people involved. He lost me because of it. I would google messages online and listen to CD’s in the car but it wasnt the same. I didnt get the same feeling, the same peace.

Now I have hit a new bottom and cant see the light at the top. I have never been here before. I keep asking myself, is it because I dont go to church any more, is it because I am running from my family, is it because I dont pray every night like I used to, am I not grateful enough? Where did I go wrong?

Maybe the answer is to just have faith. Faith: to have a strong belief or trust in someone or something, with confidence. No where does it say that you HAVE to go to church, or pray, or be grateful to have faith. Faith is just trust. Trusting in something bigger that we are. Trusting that something somewhere has your back. The universe, God, aliens, our inner self, what ever. Faith is believing everything will be alright.

I think I dont have Faith because I havent had anything I have wanted to happen, happen. (I sound like a spoiled child). I dont trust that anything I want will happen. Trust is that feeling I had when I was “saved”. It was a comforting, clarifying, zen feeling that took all the worries away. I had a sense of peace. Now I am so stressed that my hair is thinning, my body is squishy, and I am depressed.

Now how do I get back to the girl I was? Is this what life is? Is this what people do? Is this reality? I dont want to believe it. I refuse!

I dont think Church is the answer, I think it is all in my mind. I need to find a way to place my faith, my trust in something I cannot see. Something I dont understand. Something that hasnt worked that last few times. Faith.

We all know that photo with the two guys digging to a diamond mine. The one guy gives up right before he hits the diamonds, and the other guy keeps going. The caption goes something like “Dont give up you are closer than you think.” I dont want to be the guy to give up, but I also dont want to be the guy who keeps digging and never finds it. How do you know the difference? When is it too much?

Is this a test or a sign? Is it a test of my faith or a sign to call it quits? Have I failed or am I almost there? How do you know? What is the balance? What is the answer? Faith, blind faith can only get you so far.

Faith is it the answer?

 

 

Daily Affirmations: the LIES we tell ourselves

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Affirmations: A statement said with CONFIDENCE about a perceived TRUTH.

I wrote a post a wile back that talked about feeling your daily affirmations. It has been a while since I have wrote that and I feel like I am still in the same boat… ok not really, I have been kicked off the boat and I am drowning. I feel like things have not gotten better and my anxiety and stress are through the roof. By saying all these positive things, and felling the positive words flow through me, aren’t I supposed to feel better for longer than 30 seconds.

Today I feel like I am about to break. I feel like I am so burnt out, stressed out, and just down right depressed. I took a few moments this morning to look back on the week to see where it all went to shit, and noticed that there have been some really negative people in my life lately. There is this guy at my day job that is likes to talk, and is normally really fun to talk to, but lately he has been venting all his problems to me. Me being the nice person I am, listened and indulged in his drama filled story tell the end. By the time he walked away I felt so angry and drained. I felt I needed a hot shower to get the negativeness off of me. He drained me of all the positive energy I had. Then, at my second job there is this gal that is a young army mom, that has this job to get away from the drama at home. All she does is vent about her kids and how her husband doesn’t know how to handle them when she is not there. Now I get she probably doesn’t have many friends, and she needs time to let off steam, but dang it took all my energy not to slap her and tell her to shut up!

I am a nice person. I am a great listener and give great positive advice. These are two traits about myself that I love.  But lately I have attracted some very negative people to me. I HAVE ATTRACTED THEM TO ME! Knowing that I attracted them to myself, I knew that something was wrong with the way I was thinking.

The definition of Affirmation is: a statement we say with confidence about a perceived truth. We need to say our affirmations with confidence, and FEEL the words being said. I have written blog post about this, I feel I have this part down. However, the second part is where I think I am getting it wrong. The part about the truth. This is where I am failing, and this is probably why positive affirmations are not working for me. I don’t believe what I am saying. When I say ” I am am money magnet”, I feel the positiveness, I imagine the money in my account, but a little voice in my head says “not a very strong one apparently”. Or I look my self in the mirror after saying it and say “sooner than later please”. I don’t believe it is going to happen. I feel like what I am saying to myself is a lie. Lying is not a positive trait. I am trying to be positive by lying to myself. If I know an affirmations is a lie why would I believe it.I need to find a way to say affirmations that I believe are true.

Instead of saying “I am a money Magnet” I am now going to say ” I allow the financial abundance to flow into my life”. This way it is a choice for me. When the money comes I will allow it to come into my life. Logical right. I am not a weak magnet that will hopefully get money to come to me. I am declaring that money is coming, and when it does I will accept it graciously.

Instead of saying ” I am 128 lb beautiful woman” I will now say ” I am healthy and I allow my body to return to its natural vibrant health.” Again a choice. I am allowing my body to change into a healthy version of itself. I am not overpowered by the number or how my cloths fit. I am simply healthy and health is drawn to me.

I cannot lie to myself anymore. I am attracting negative people in my life and I don’t have time for it. I want fun, vibrant, exciting people in my life. I want to celebrate milestones with people, I want to laugh with people. Don’t get me wrong, people can come to me with problems and I will listen and make it the best of the situation, but it wont drain me! No more lies! I am going to make these affirmations work for me!  I believe them. They are truths I am speaking into my life!

Be confident and believe what you are saying! That in itself is a positive thing!