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Questions

I have an opportunity to make more money. It would solve a lot of problems. I could pay my bills, pay rent, and afford Christmas presents. However, I would be working on Christmas, Thanksgiving, and all nights and weekends.

In my gut I know this is not what I want. But in my mind I keep seeing all the things I could afford to do and buy. Especially with the holidays around the corner. I want to be able to go apple picking, I want to be able to make crafts and sit by the fire, I want to be able to afford to get everyone a present. But to what expense.

I have a bad feeling about it. But I know it would help. It would allow me to save money. I wouldn’t live pay check to pay check. But my sanity would suffer. My dignity would be gone. I would have no pride in where I worked.

I would be doing it for the money.

Everyone tells you not to do that. Never do something just for the money. They also say listen to your gut. Well…..

What do I do?

Take the risk and make more money for a while or suffer tell I find a better opportunity?

I am having a panic attack thinking about it.

I have days where I can be positive and determined to make the most of the opportunity. But other days I cry because it is not what I want to do.

AHHH

Any advice would be greatly appreciated……

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The Things You Notice

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Recently there have been little moments in every day that I have notice myself looking at the optimistic side of things. Whether it be looking at the bright side when someone complains to me, or when I let someone cut in that is being a bi*** driving. It stands out in my mind when it happens. It is weird. Maybe, I am starting to do something right.

The Secret say, what you think becomes things. Every thing you are thinking now is your future, think about that. The one quote that scares me the most is the one that goes:

“Ask yourself if what you’re doing today is getting you closer to where you want to be tomorrow”

My answer today is no. But I feel that I have a clearer idea of what I want. I know I want to go back to school to be a Physical Therapist Assistant. I know that I may need to take a shitty yet higher paying job in order to save to go to school. I know that I want to get married in a barn with pumpkins and pie. I know I want twin boys. I know I want to have a Bungalow with a huge porch ( I also know I want in this home). So today, I am trying to focus on these things instead of stressing about what is going wrong in my life.

I dont have a plan per-se, but I know what I need to do. I know I need to go to school to get the job I want. I know that to go to school I need to find a job that pays more so I can save money for school.  It sounds like a plan but I feel like it is a pre-plan. Until I have an acceptance letter to the school, and the money to be able to devote time to school and school only, then and only then will it be a plan. For now it is just a dream.

I want to be closer to the things that I want. I have felt like lately I have been farther from those dreams than I ever have been. The Secret says “don’t focus on the how, just believe that the opportunities will come to you. When they do you need to act.” Well this is hard. I feel like I have not focused on the how for a long time. I was kinda expecting it to just come to me. I was just like “ok I want this and this and this”. But nothing came. I do believe that you need to just trust it will all work out, but you cannot get accepted into a school with out applying. You cannot win the lotto without buying a ticket. There is a little bit of work you need to to in order to get what you want.

So I applied to a school. I applied for FASFA. I sent in my transcripts. I applied for the higher paying (shitty) job. Now all I can do it believe that the universe is working in my favor.Wait. Hope. Pray.

Like I said I did something and now I notice the little optimistic things that I didn’t notice before. They are little but the fact that I am focused on that I am doing them is a sure sign of good things.

One step at a time.

Make List Make Change.

Believe in your dreams.

I got this.

 

“If you have Faith the size of a mustard seed…”

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I have been watching the Olympics this week and I am in awe at the abilities these amazing athlete have. The way they push their bodies to their absolute limits, and than push a little harder. The way they force themselves through the pain. The way they move and bend their bodies in ways I didnt think were possible. It is amazing! They work so hard for this one moment. Training day in and day out just for this one shot. They are truly an inspiration. They dont get enough credit.

I think we have it all wrong in this world. We praise and pay pathetic people like Kim and Kanye West, and  we let people who work hard, like our Olympians, to struggle to make ends meet. We let bad managers become managers because they are sneaky sales people. We keep good managers at shitty jobs because they are not good at sales.  We let the good guys finish last. We let war vets go homeless and lazy people get free stuff from the government. We have it all wrong and it makes it hard for me, a good person, to believe that life gets better than this.

” I am somewhere between giving up and seeing how much more I can take”

I still have hope. I have a small mustard seed of hope. I still believe that life is more than working to pay bills. It has to be. I still dream. Being middle class sucks. I am working to get out of it. Working really hard. I cry a lot, I work all the time, but I keep going. I keep going with the small thought that it really does get better.

However I will admit, I do wonder if I should just be a bad guy. Would life would be easier? Would I have all the things I want?  I have too much integrity to actually do it, but the thought of it being easier… is oh so sweet.

I am going to plant my mustard seed. I am going to plant my hope in fertile ground. I believe there is more than this. Today I will not give up. Today I will not wallow in the past. Today I am planting the seed and I hope it grows. I am giving it all I have. All I have is this seed and if it doesn’t work….. well being Harley Quinn looks fun.

 

 

“I am not afraid of storms, for I am just learning how to sail my ship!” ~Louisa May Alcott

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I am starting to learn that this Law of Attraction journey is really a roller coaster of emotions. You start thinking positive thoughts  then something comes around and tests your positive energy. You fall, get back up, and try again.  Then something else happens, you fall, you get back, up and try again. Everything is a test. That is life.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.

I keep complaining about where I am and what is happening to me. I go up and have weeks of positive energy, then something comes around and I am back to square one of worry and stress. But I always pick  myself back up and continue the cycle.

I dont like this cycle. I want to break it. I keep saying this too.  I look back on post I have written and notice that it is the same cycle different situations. I want to break this cycle. I want to break my norm. I am better than this and I KNOW the universe knows this too!

I am asking the universe for better and it keeps testing me to see if I am ready. Unfortunately I am not. I keep failing. I keep thinking if I had a different job, if I had more money, if I had just did this different, if I lost the weight. But it is not an external battle. It is internal. Nothing can change in your life until you love and have confidence in yourself.

I have written a post like this before too.

I tend to look at myself in a negative way. I am not proud of myself. I look for outside validation from other people to feel good about myself. I fell like a failure.I have gained weight. The whole nine yards. Truth is though, I am good enough.

The fact that I know I am better than this. The fact that I keep looking for more answers and keep trying to move forward. The fact that I keep getting up when I fall. All of these things prove that I am the person I know I can be. I just need to start acting on her. I need to put a plan in to action. I need to react to conflict with confidence. I need to act with a level head and take a second to assess the situation before reacting.

I know I can do this. I need to stop dwelling on the past, on what I was and become what I know I am! I will never be what I was, I will be better!

It is a process. I will probably fall again. But I can guarantee that I am learning and I wont make this mistake the same way twice!

Like Thomas Edison said:

“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.”

Well here’s to 10,001!

Trying to figure it all out.

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I just wrote this whole blog post about needing help. I had it saved and ready to publish. I went to re read it before publishing, and realized how pathetic it was. I deleted it and reevaluated. I do need help financially, but I shouldn’t be put it out there like dirty laundry for everyone to see.

Do I want to be on Ellen or Oprah for something amazing, Yes. But ranting about how I work 7 days a week and have two jobs is not going to get me there. Ranting about “why not me” is not going to make anyone like me. People keep saying it is OK to ask for help, well I dont know how. Let me rephrase, I dont know how without feeling pathetic, or defeated.

My mom called to ask how I was doing the other day, and I dont know how to tell her that I have spent all my bonds just so we can pay our bills. I talked to her about going back to school. She said maybe you should use your bonds for that. Well that would have been a good idea, but they are gone. I cant bring myself to tell her that. I doubt she would help me anyway. Again, I am not good at admitting defeat.

Before I knew the results of my biopsy from the lump in my breast I had a moment where I thought “If they only give me 6 months to live, I would be very disappointed in myself and how I have lived my life.” I am better than this. I am more than these bullshit jobs. I am a better girlfriend than I have been. I am a loving, energetic, smiling person. Where did she go. My boyfriend still believes that I am here. Why cant I believe it. I have lost her somewhere and I am afraid she wont come back.

My boyfriend is an amazing man. He still believes we can survive this. He still believes that something great is going to happen to us. I am sitting here saying “OMG my life sucks why me” and he is in the same boat fixing the leak. He deserves so much more than this. He doesnt pay his bills so we can pay mine. He sits and wipes my tears away every day. He tells me every day that I am beautiful. He holds me and keeps me safe. He has unwavering faith. He keeps it together when it is all falling apart.

I do believe that going back to school is part of the answer. I want to be a Physical Therapist Assistant. I have found a school and emailed them my story so we will see what happens. I would need to find two part time jobs that would work with my schedule. But give me enough money for rent, car payment, car insurance, and Health Insurance. Oh and give me time to study and love my boyfriend the way he deserves. (working out should be in there somewhere too)

I feel so defeated. I feel like such a failure. I just want someone to help me. Give me advice. Or even have the answer…But that is not how life works. Nothing is given to you. You earn it. Well shit, how do you earn it? Where am I going wrong?

I am trying to be positive. I write down three things I am grateful for ever day. I try to look at the bright side. But depression is a real thing and it is not getting easier. Maybe someone is listening. Maybe the universe has a plan. Maybe Ellen love my blog. Who knows. All I know is I need to change this.

I can do it.

One question at a time.

 

The power of HOPE

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Isn’t the Olympics supposed to be about unity. Aren’t they supposed to be about bringing together great men and women from every nation, and competing on a even playing field. It is  supposed to be a chance for talented people to get together learn each others cultures, techniques, and languages. It should be a time for admiration, encouragement, and growth. But with all the doping accusations going on that dream has died.

My life is hard but I still believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I still believe that life is more than this struggle. The Olympics should be a vision of that hope. Those athletes should be the example of what hard work and dedication is. It should be the vision of what we can accomplish with a little hard work.

Now it is like the Hunger Games, the only difference are there are three victors, and no one dies. It is everyone against them selves. No unity, no hope.

I know not all the athletes are doping, and they are cracking down on the issue, however it still doesnt sit right for those of us who watch it with hope. Dont get me wrong, I am amazed at what some of those athletes can do! They can do things I have only dreamed of doing. Yet they have yet to realize how much power they have being who they are. They need to use that power for good. They are the ones that need to make the world great again and give us hope. Not these presidential nominees. Everyone watches the Olympics. Like the Hunger Games they are broadcast ed everywhere. Everyone is cheering for their district, sorry, their Country.

In this world we are acting on fear. We need to start acting on hope. We need a Katness Everdine to show us that we can do this and we can overcome fear.

“Hope is the only thing stronger than Fear.” ~ President Snow

These athletes have the power to bring us this hope. They have the power to show us that we can be great again. They have the power to unify us as a nation.

Every day in the news it is another sad story about how we are against each other. There is death, corruption, and anger everywhere. We all want the same thing. We all want to live in harmony among each. We can achieve this without cheating.

We should always be able to hope.

We should always be able to dream.

We should be able to fix this.

It starts with us.

 

 

 

It doesn’t do well to dwell in the Past.

 

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I sit here today dwelling in the past. I miss Colorado. I miss having a home, a good job, good food, and places to shop. I miss my mountains. I miss my friends. I keep saying what if I stayed, what if I took a different job, what if.

I cannot change the past. I cannot re make decisions. Unfortunately I cannot go back to Colorado. All I have is what is in front of me. I can choose to dwell in what it is not, or strive to find what it is.

I keep saying once I find a different job I will be happy, or once we buy a home  I will be happy, or once we have money I will be happy. But that is not what happiness is about. Happiness is about being happy no matter the circumstances. If you keep finding happiness in things you will never find it. There will always be something you dont have. I need to find a way to be happy now. Would money help, YES, but it is not the cause of my unhappiness. I was unhappy when I had money.

I dont know the answer. I dont have a secret trick. I just know that I need to be happy in the now. I cant change the past, but I can help shape the future. I am choosing to be positive and make the most of what we have here. Just today I had a day where  I wish I was back at home.

 

Always Dress to Impress

Today I looked good. I went to the gym, I completely shaved my legs (come on ladies we all know we half ass this chore), did my hair, and makeup. Nothing over the top just a little more than normal, and I FEEL AWESOME.

I had a coach in high school that always had us shine our cleats and iron our jersey for game day. We couldnt play if we didnt. Now, 12 years later, I finally understand why it was so important to do so. Not only did we look sharp and intimidating, we looked the way we felt. If we looked good we would feel good. You had to prepare for the day. You couldnt just wake up an hour before the game and hope you get there on time. By shining our cleats the night before we mentally were preparing ourselves for the game. Tucking in our jersey and wearing our hat straight, helped us focus. We would look at other teams and just know we were going to win, just by looking at them.

The power of a first impression is a big deal for both parties. On the one end the other person notices that you put in the time to look good for them. On the other you feel more confident. I am not saying go out and wear a three piece suit every day. I am saying take the time to do a little something special to your self. It could be put on jewelry, apply some makeup, wear the nice shoes, tuck in your shirt, wear the non holy jeans. Yes you may have to wake up ten min earlier or plan your outfit a head of time but you know what it is worth you feeling good.

Being an athlete I have gotten used to wearing sweats everywhere. Though I do look good in sweats, it is the easy way out. I feel so much better when I take a little time to put an outfit together. My way, my style and FOR ME. Dont get it twisted. DO THIS FOR YOU!

Look good for you and others will notice. Look good so you can walk by a store window and be like DAMN! I am not thrilled with the way my body looks but I am dressing it in a way that I like and feel really good about it!

Be you! Feel Good! Dress to impress yourself!

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It can always be worse…

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Yesterday I had yet another health scare. I found a suspicious lump in my breast. The moment I found it pure terror flooded my mind. Then the thoughts of “why me”. Tears. Then finally some rational thought of “ok what next”. The whole experience has really grounded me. It can always be worse.

I was in the waiting room of the specialist office. My wonderful boyfriend took the day off to be with me. We were sitting there watching people come and go. Strong brave women. Some with tears, but all with smiles. They were all there for different reasons. Some just a check up, some getting results, some there just for support. Some had no hair (from cemo), some had no breast. I was so scared. I just had a pea size bump I was getting sonogramed. They were there, surviving.

After I got the sonogram done I went to a different room where the Dr. told me they wanted to biopsy it to be safe. The tears started to roll down my face. Fear. Anxiety. All of it. In the next waiting room a lady (there for a check up) came to me and just talked to me. She said it wasn’t as bad as I was making it out to be. She explained the process. Told me to always be positive. Then she went and got my boyfriend to help comfort me. She was so nice. She only said maybe 30 words to me. But it made a difference. I realized that this was not the worst thing that could happen. I had taken the right steps. The second I found it I got it checked. Women go through this every day. The place was packed. Women in all stages were there smiling, helping others through each step. It just took s simple smile and some reinsurance to make me look at the positive side of this situation.

Why can we not do this more for each other. You never know what someone is going through. Give them a  smile, a nod. Crack a joke in the check out line. If you see someone crying give them a hug. Let someone go in front of you in line. Let someone in on the highway. Pick up something someone dropped. Tell someone to have a great day. Little things!! You never know someones struggles. Just a simple smile can change someone life.

Two days ago I was talking about tipping the scale. All those issues seam small compared to today.  It can always be worse. The golden rule applies “Treat others as you would want to be treated.” That includes how you treat yourself. I have not been treating me, let alone anyone else, the way I want to be treated.

One small thing can go a long way. I didnt know the women, she didnt even tell me her name. But she made me feel loved and cared for. She was there when I needed it. Giving me the reinsurance I needed. My boyfriend was there, but he hasnt gone through this, she had. It was different. One simple gesture flipped my day from why me, to I can do this.

My struggles are my struggles but I do believe that helping others can help you help yourself. My goal is not to make myself happy, but others. By helping others I hope to find myself, but if I can give one person that feeling that wonderful lady gave me, I will consider myself successful!

This life is short. Anything can be taken from you at any time. Your hearing, your health, your eyesight, your family. Cherish it. Enjoy every second of it. Dont dwell on the what ifs. What is coming is coming. All you can do is react to it. Lets react with love.

#Make List = make change

#Tip the scale

#Believe in yourself

#Faith

 

 

 

Tipping the Scale

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Symbol of scales is made of stones on the cliff

Life is all about balance. There are two sides to every coin. There is a Ying and a Yang. A Boy and a girl.  A Right and a Wrong. Good and Evil. We were all created in balance. You cannot have good times without the bad times. You cannot be right without having been wrong. We all start in balance, then life happens. From there it is our CHOICE to remain in balance or continue to be out of balance.

Though we all want to be in balance, it is easier to be out of balance. It is easier to blame than to take responsibility. It is easier to be negative than be optimistic. We all choose to be one or the other. Its OUR choice. Instead of saying “I have to water the stupid plants again”, say “oh a here is a chance to get up of my desk and move around.” Instead of saying “Why the f*** did you cut me off!”, say “I  hope everything is ok he was sure in a hurry.”  Or in the world of technology instead of getting mad that our cell phone doesnt work look up and say “I guess this is not the time” and enjoy the sun on your face.

Sounds easier said than done, but you will be shocked when you realize how many times a day you choose the easy route to be negative and complain. I have been taking the easy route for a few months now and it has gotten so bad it became depression. I need to get my life back into balance. I need to start looking at the bright side. I need to start being proud of myself. I need to start thinking optimistic thoughts, even if I don’t believe them. I know someday I will start to believe them again.

When ever I introduce someone to the LOA something bad always happens before something good does. It happened to me as well. When I was introduced to the LOA, I had a good life with a great guy, no debt, and many dreams. But once I started to think about having more and being better, everything fell apart. I do believe that that is part of the process. After I broke up with the guy, moved out, and moved home, I found better. I was in a better place with myself, I found my best friend and soul mate, I grew closer with my mom, I had goals. Then we decided to better our selves, move, and have an adventure. And everything went off balance again. When you tap into the LOA you attract what you need into your life, you also push out what you dont need. No one talks about that part. They only talk about the good stuff. But to get the good stuff you have to have the bad stuff.

Maybe the worse the bad stuff is, the better the good stuff is that is coming? (my optimism for the day – check)

All in all I am starting to restore my balance. I can now appreciate more things having been so low for so long. It is making it easier to see the good thing I do have. No one ever said it was easy, but they ALL say it is worth it.

Balance.

I am tipping the scale.

Lets do this!