“I am not afraid of storms, for I am just learning how to sail my ship!” ~Louisa May Alcott

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I am starting to learn that this Law of Attraction journey is really a roller coaster of emotions. You start thinking positive thoughts  then something comes around and tests your positive energy. You fall, get back up, and try again.  Then something else happens, you fall, you get back, up and try again. Everything is a test. That is life.

Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.

I keep complaining about where I am and what is happening to me. I go up and have weeks of positive energy, then something comes around and I am back to square one of worry and stress. But I always pick  myself back up and continue the cycle.

I dont like this cycle. I want to break it. I keep saying this too.  I look back on post I have written and notice that it is the same cycle different situations. I want to break this cycle. I want to break my norm. I am better than this and I KNOW the universe knows this too!

I am asking the universe for better and it keeps testing me to see if I am ready. Unfortunately I am not. I keep failing. I keep thinking if I had a different job, if I had more money, if I had just did this different, if I lost the weight. But it is not an external battle. It is internal. Nothing can change in your life until you love and have confidence in yourself.

I have written a post like this before too.

I tend to look at myself in a negative way. I am not proud of myself. I look for outside validation from other people to feel good about myself. I fell like a failure.I have gained weight. The whole nine yards. Truth is though, I am good enough.

The fact that I know I am better than this. The fact that I keep looking for more answers and keep trying to move forward. The fact that I keep getting up when I fall. All of these things prove that I am the person I know I can be. I just need to start acting on her. I need to put a plan in to action. I need to react to conflict with confidence. I need to act with a level head and take a second to assess the situation before reacting.

I know I can do this. I need to stop dwelling on the past, on what I was and become what I know I am! I will never be what I was, I will be better!

It is a process. I will probably fall again. But I can guarantee that I am learning and I wont make this mistake the same way twice!

Like Thomas Edison said:

“I have not failed, I have just found 10,000 ways that don’t work.”

Well here’s to 10,001!

The power of HOPE

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Isn’t the Olympics supposed to be about unity. Aren’t they supposed to be about bringing together great men and women from every nation, and competing on a even playing field. It is  supposed to be a chance for talented people to get together learn each others cultures, techniques, and languages. It should be a time for admiration, encouragement, and growth. But with all the doping accusations going on that dream has died.

My life is hard but I still believe that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I still believe that life is more than this struggle. The Olympics should be a vision of that hope. Those athletes should be the example of what hard work and dedication is. It should be the vision of what we can accomplish with a little hard work.

Now it is like the Hunger Games, the only difference are there are three victors, and no one dies. It is everyone against them selves. No unity, no hope.

I know not all the athletes are doping, and they are cracking down on the issue, however it still doesnt sit right for those of us who watch it with hope. Dont get me wrong, I am amazed at what some of those athletes can do! They can do things I have only dreamed of doing. Yet they have yet to realize how much power they have being who they are. They need to use that power for good. They are the ones that need to make the world great again and give us hope. Not these presidential nominees. Everyone watches the Olympics. Like the Hunger Games they are broadcast ed everywhere. Everyone is cheering for their district, sorry, their Country.

In this world we are acting on fear. We need to start acting on hope. We need a Katness Everdine to show us that we can do this and we can overcome fear.

“Hope is the only thing stronger than Fear.” ~ President Snow

These athletes have the power to bring us this hope. They have the power to show us that we can be great again. They have the power to unify us as a nation.

Every day in the news it is another sad story about how we are against each other. There is death, corruption, and anger everywhere. We all want the same thing. We all want to live in harmony among each. We can achieve this without cheating.

We should always be able to hope.

We should always be able to dream.

We should be able to fix this.

It starts with us.

 

 

 

It doesn’t do well to dwell in the Past.

 

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I sit here today dwelling in the past. I miss Colorado. I miss having a home, a good job, good food, and places to shop. I miss my mountains. I miss my friends. I keep saying what if I stayed, what if I took a different job, what if.

I cannot change the past. I cannot re make decisions. Unfortunately I cannot go back to Colorado. All I have is what is in front of me. I can choose to dwell in what it is not, or strive to find what it is.

I keep saying once I find a different job I will be happy, or once we buy a home  I will be happy, or once we have money I will be happy. But that is not what happiness is about. Happiness is about being happy no matter the circumstances. If you keep finding happiness in things you will never find it. There will always be something you dont have. I need to find a way to be happy now. Would money help, YES, but it is not the cause of my unhappiness. I was unhappy when I had money.

I dont know the answer. I dont have a secret trick. I just know that I need to be happy in the now. I cant change the past, but I can help shape the future. I am choosing to be positive and make the most of what we have here. Just today I had a day where  I wish I was back at home.

 

Always Dress to Impress

Today I looked good. I went to the gym, I completely shaved my legs (come on ladies we all know we half ass this chore), did my hair, and makeup. Nothing over the top just a little more than normal, and I FEEL AWESOME.

I had a coach in high school that always had us shine our cleats and iron our jersey for game day. We couldnt play if we didnt. Now, 12 years later, I finally understand why it was so important to do so. Not only did we look sharp and intimidating, we looked the way we felt. If we looked good we would feel good. You had to prepare for the day. You couldnt just wake up an hour before the game and hope you get there on time. By shining our cleats the night before we mentally were preparing ourselves for the game. Tucking in our jersey and wearing our hat straight, helped us focus. We would look at other teams and just know we were going to win, just by looking at them.

The power of a first impression is a big deal for both parties. On the one end the other person notices that you put in the time to look good for them. On the other you feel more confident. I am not saying go out and wear a three piece suit every day. I am saying take the time to do a little something special to your self. It could be put on jewelry, apply some makeup, wear the nice shoes, tuck in your shirt, wear the non holy jeans. Yes you may have to wake up ten min earlier or plan your outfit a head of time but you know what it is worth you feeling good.

Being an athlete I have gotten used to wearing sweats everywhere. Though I do look good in sweats, it is the easy way out. I feel so much better when I take a little time to put an outfit together. My way, my style and FOR ME. Dont get it twisted. DO THIS FOR YOU!

Look good for you and others will notice. Look good so you can walk by a store window and be like DAMN! I am not thrilled with the way my body looks but I am dressing it in a way that I like and feel really good about it!

Be you! Feel Good! Dress to impress yourself!

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Paradigm Shifting, Again

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Back in January I wrote about Paradigms and shifting my paradigm. It has been six months of struggling with my paradigm and I feel that things have gotten worse. But as I read that post again, I see that the goal was not to be better but to start change. The goal was to shift from my ordinary. Do something different.have an adventure. I had jumped out of my comfort zone and into a realm of unknown.

No one ever says change is easy. Lots has changed in my life. I have learned to budget better, I have learned to work more and harder, I have learned to prioritize, I have learned to not hold things in. I have learned that I need to have more respect for myself. I have learned what I was doing was OK, but to be great I need to change.

These past few months have been the hardest of my young 29 year life. I can either dwell on them or learn from them. I sit here again in Starbucks applying for my 50th job this week, and I have to consciously make the decision to be positive. It is not easy. I am learning that life hands you lemons, and in order to change you need to learn to make apple juice. I used to take it one day at a time. But soon that became to hard. Now I take it moment to moment.

I am changing, I am clearing out the bad to make room for the good. It is painful, but I have hope.

H.O.P.E = Hold On Pain Ends

I have faith that things will get better. But it all starts with me. Like I said in my last post. I need to start being proud of me. Once I master that I am sure it will all come together. You need a strong foundation in order build up. I have been knocked down to rock bottom and before I can go up I need to strengthen my foundation. I need to strengthen me. I need to push out the bad. Force myself to see the good. Make it a habit. Make it my Paradigm.

I used to do this daily, but I am not that person any more. I am so different than I was before. Before I didn’t know struggle, I didn’t know defeat, fear, or loss of pride. I was a great 125lb sexy, college graduate with the whole world in front of her. It just so happens that it slapped her in the face. This new me has different needs. This new me has different strengths. It is time to begin this life and stop dwelling on the past. I am a new work of art. A masterpiece.

One moment at a time.

Make List

Make Change

Find ME.

$80,000 a year

128lbs

All by September

GOALS

 

The World doesnt owe you anything, and that is a HARD lesson to Learn.

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We sit here and look at social media, and the news and hear about all these wonderful things happening to people. The “Chewbacca mom” getting thousands of dollars for being funny, waiters getting HUGE tips to follow their dreams, a good samaritan paying off medical debt. Though I am happy for those people, I cant help but thing why not me.

I keep thinking about these certain scenarios and have come to realize that all these people all did something. The chewbacca mom posted a video, the waitress was extremely nice  and attentive working odd hours. All these people did something. This made me realize that I am not really doing anything. I am working three jobs, but I am not nice and attentive, I am kind of depressing. I am not having fun posting videos, I am worrying about things I cannot control. I am not networking positively to the universe. I need to do something.

I have written about this before but never realized that I really don’t do anything. Making lists is making me accountable for my actions. I am realizing how low I have sunk. I need a list to tell myself to do laundry, dishes, work out, clean the house, apply for jobs. You don’t realize how bad you are in tell you write it down and look at it.

The past few weeks I have felt like I have been in the five stages of denial. I finally the other day admitted that I was depressed. before that I was angry that I am where I am, I tried to bargain my way out of it by selling my car lowering payments, when that didn’t work I realized that I am depressed, and now I am accepting my situation. It sucks, life doesn’t owe you anything. You need to work for it.

I need to DO something. I need to act. I need to climb out of this. I need a plan. My list help me to create that plan. It is a start. But we all  need to start somewhere. I need to get my finances in order. I need to put my head down and DO. I need to stop comparing myself to others and DO something about it.

I hope that others in my situation read this and know they are not alone. It may feel like it because you have pushed all your friends away, and your family doesn’t know how to help (or you don’t want to ask them for it). But I promise that we are on the right path. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. This is the hardest lesson in life to learn. Life doesn’t owe you anything, BUT you owe yourself everything! 

Lets do this!

List = Change

 

Is Faith the Missing Piece?

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I have always been a spiritual person. Some times more than others. When things were good I went to church for the music, to de-stress and hear a good word. But once I was “saved” the word didn’t do anything for me. I didn’t get the same meditative clarification. My pastor was a great evangelist. He was great at bringing people in and getting them excited, but he didnt do well at keeping people involved. He lost me because of it. I would google messages online and listen to CD’s in the car but it wasnt the same. I didnt get the same feeling, the same peace.

Now I have hit a new bottom and cant see the light at the top. I have never been here before. I keep asking myself, is it because I dont go to church any more, is it because I am running from my family, is it because I dont pray every night like I used to, am I not grateful enough? Where did I go wrong?

Maybe the answer is to just have faith. Faith: to have a strong belief or trust in someone or something, with confidence. No where does it say that you HAVE to go to church, or pray, or be grateful to have faith. Faith is just trust. Trusting in something bigger that we are. Trusting that something somewhere has your back. The universe, God, aliens, our inner self, what ever. Faith is believing everything will be alright.

I think I dont have Faith because I havent had anything I have wanted to happen, happen. (I sound like a spoiled child). I dont trust that anything I want will happen. Trust is that feeling I had when I was “saved”. It was a comforting, clarifying, zen feeling that took all the worries away. I had a sense of peace. Now I am so stressed that my hair is thinning, my body is squishy, and I am depressed.

Now how do I get back to the girl I was? Is this what life is? Is this what people do? Is this reality? I dont want to believe it. I refuse!

I dont think Church is the answer, I think it is all in my mind. I need to find a way to place my faith, my trust in something I cannot see. Something I dont understand. Something that hasnt worked that last few times. Faith.

We all know that photo with the two guys digging to a diamond mine. The one guy gives up right before he hits the diamonds, and the other guy keeps going. The caption goes something like “Dont give up you are closer than you think.” I dont want to be the guy to give up, but I also dont want to be the guy who keeps digging and never finds it. How do you know the difference? When is it too much?

Is this a test or a sign? Is it a test of my faith or a sign to call it quits? Have I failed or am I almost there? How do you know? What is the balance? What is the answer? Faith, blind faith can only get you so far.

Faith is it the answer?

 

 

Daily Affirmations: the LIES we tell ourselves

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Affirmations: A statement said with CONFIDENCE about a perceived TRUTH.

I wrote a post a wile back that talked about feeling your daily affirmations. It has been a while since I have wrote that and I feel like I am still in the same boat… ok not really, I have been kicked off the boat and I am drowning. I feel like things have not gotten better and my anxiety and stress are through the roof. By saying all these positive things, and felling the positive words flow through me, aren’t I supposed to feel better for longer than 30 seconds.

Today I feel like I am about to break. I feel like I am so burnt out, stressed out, and just down right depressed. I took a few moments this morning to look back on the week to see where it all went to shit, and noticed that there have been some really negative people in my life lately. There is this guy at my day job that is likes to talk, and is normally really fun to talk to, but lately he has been venting all his problems to me. Me being the nice person I am, listened and indulged in his drama filled story tell the end. By the time he walked away I felt so angry and drained. I felt I needed a hot shower to get the negativeness off of me. He drained me of all the positive energy I had. Then, at my second job there is this gal that is a young army mom, that has this job to get away from the drama at home. All she does is vent about her kids and how her husband doesn’t know how to handle them when she is not there. Now I get she probably doesn’t have many friends, and she needs time to let off steam, but dang it took all my energy not to slap her and tell her to shut up!

I am a nice person. I am a great listener and give great positive advice. These are two traits about myself that I love.  But lately I have attracted some very negative people to me. I HAVE ATTRACTED THEM TO ME! Knowing that I attracted them to myself, I knew that something was wrong with the way I was thinking.

The definition of Affirmation is: a statement we say with confidence about a perceived truth. We need to say our affirmations with confidence, and FEEL the words being said. I have written blog post about this, I feel I have this part down. However, the second part is where I think I am getting it wrong. The part about the truth. This is where I am failing, and this is probably why positive affirmations are not working for me. I don’t believe what I am saying. When I say ” I am am money magnet”, I feel the positiveness, I imagine the money in my account, but a little voice in my head says “not a very strong one apparently”. Or I look my self in the mirror after saying it and say “sooner than later please”. I don’t believe it is going to happen. I feel like what I am saying to myself is a lie. Lying is not a positive trait. I am trying to be positive by lying to myself. If I know an affirmations is a lie why would I believe it.I need to find a way to say affirmations that I believe are true.

Instead of saying “I am a money Magnet” I am now going to say ” I allow the financial abundance to flow into my life”. This way it is a choice for me. When the money comes I will allow it to come into my life. Logical right. I am not a weak magnet that will hopefully get money to come to me. I am declaring that money is coming, and when it does I will accept it graciously.

Instead of saying ” I am 128 lb beautiful woman” I will now say ” I am healthy and I allow my body to return to its natural vibrant health.” Again a choice. I am allowing my body to change into a healthy version of itself. I am not overpowered by the number or how my cloths fit. I am simply healthy and health is drawn to me.

I cannot lie to myself anymore. I am attracting negative people in my life and I don’t have time for it. I want fun, vibrant, exciting people in my life. I want to celebrate milestones with people, I want to laugh with people. Don’t get me wrong, people can come to me with problems and I will listen and make it the best of the situation, but it wont drain me! No more lies! I am going to make these affirmations work for me!  I believe them. They are truths I am speaking into my life!

Be confident and believe what you are saying! That in itself is a positive thing!

The Power of Choices

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There are millions of quotes on life and millions of programs to help you figure out what your purpose is. There are even more motivational movements and empowering stories. But even with all this positive enforcement, with all this information we have available to us, I find it is impossible to follow unless we make one definitive decision.

With all these programs, Life Coaches, and self-help books, we have an unlimited un-excusable amount of information to help us live the life of our dreams. So why are we not doing it. Why isn’t everyone living their dream life? Why are we sitting here in debt up to our eyeballs, day dreaming at our desk, wishing for that better life?

I believe it is because most of us are unable to make that one defining decision. We all want out of this mess, there is no denying that. We all want to live like Kim and Kanye. We all want to not struggle. We are just unable to make the ONE defining decision that will change our life. It is just one Decision and we cannot seem to make it. That decision is defining that ONE THING we want to do in life and doing it.

That’s it, decide what we want to do and do it.

Fear is an amazing emotion. It is so powerful and can be used in so many ways. I believe that fear is the main reason most of us cannot make this definitive choice. I personally have the fear of making the wrong choice. I have so many things that I am good at, and make me happy. How do you choose just one? I feel most of us are in this boat. We all have so many grand ideas of what we want to do or be, it seem impossible to just pick one. It’s not because we are indecisive, or don’t have time, or don’t think we can do it. It is because we are afraid it will be the wrong choice.

What if this isn’t the right job. Or the right field. Or the right direction. It is scary to think all that hard work will be for nothing and we will live forever in regret for making that choice.

The thing we need to realize is that once we make the decision and stick with it, the universe conspires to make it happen. If we choose one thing and stick with it tell the end the universe will work fast to get it to you. If you don’t back out and go all ahead full, you will get what you ask for quickly. Once you have it you can only THEN can you decide if this is what you wanted. If not start the process over again.

I have always admired my boyfriend for his ability to make decisions. He is always so confident and definitive, never an ounce of regret. I finally asked him how he does it and his answer surprised me. He said “I just pick one. I think it would be awesome to be a Carpenter, or an Engineer, or even starting my own business would be great! But I picked Construction Management and that is what I am going to do for now. At least tell the next opportunity comes along.”

Boom. Mind. Blown.

He is just like me, he has dreams of doing more than just one thing, he thinks there are a number of jobs that he would be amazing at. He just picked one and is going 100%! I was listening to Lori Harder a motivational speaker and life coach the other day and her message was; follow your curiosities because they will lead you to opportunities and people that have the same curiosities. By meeting new people you get opened up to new opportunities. So by sticking with one thing, and going balls to the walls with it, you never know who or what will come from it.

Now the hard part. Picking one.

There is no wrong answer, just solutions. Once you try one way, you find out one of two things. 1. You love what you do and it is your purpose, or 2. This is great but not what I want to do forever. You have ANSWERS! You crossed one off the list. You tried it, you made memories from it, you learned from it. Use those things to attract the next thing to you! Who cares if you are wrong? If you go 100% it will happen fast enough for you to change your mind and try again. Or it will lead you to someone that has an opportunity that would not have been available if you hadn’t done it.

The key is, to make the choice and go 100% with it.

Don’t look back. Just go. Do it with the passion and enthusiasm that you have made the right choice. Think about all the doors that will open and people you will meet. Step one is making the choice. Step two is doing it 100%. Step three is deciding that it is or is not your purpose.

Now for me to just take my own advice.

GO!

Spring is Coming, so is Change!

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This Easter I went to my Grandparents in Boston with my sister. We saw family we havent seen in years. It was great to see them and catch up, but I wasnt myself. I noticed that I was very closed off, I was watching what I said, and I sat in the back of the room. I was not confident at all. I felt like I had nothing worth wile to say or brag about. I have a mediocre job, I have gained weight, and have no plans to change it. Who would want to talk to me? What good do I have to share? That is when I realized I need to change.

Spring is a time of renewal. Trees bud, animals have babies, snow melts and reveals the beauty it was hiding. We can open the windows and let the old air out, clean under the things we put out for Christmas, and start new. Today, after reflecting on how I acted and how everyone acted around me, I have decided to make a change.

I know you have heard me say this before, but it takes time. I have changed a lot in  the past 6 months. My mind mostly has become more clear and positive. But today is different. When I started my blogg I also started a Manifestation Shopping List. It is a list of all the things I want to attract into my life. I dont look at it often but I do add to it. Today I looked at it and read what I had written down when I first started. I was amazed that I could cross some things off that list. With out thought I had accomplished and attracted things to me! I was shocked that I had changed things in my life! Here I was feeling like nothing was changing and I was stuck in this rut, but slowly and surly it is changing.

Here are a few things that I have checked off.

  • Regained my hearing
  • Traveled to see Grandma
  • Traveled to see Lou
  • Traveled to see Chuck and Kathy
  • Find a Career at HD (they called me this weekend)
  • Put my dogs through Doggie Day Care (Had them watched by a Pet sitter this weekend)
  • Started a support group for people with SSNHL on facebook

Small things, but things I didnt think were possible 6 months a go. Now I still have a few things on the list to check off but the fact that I am checking things off is progress! It made me feel like I was doing something right. I was on  the right path. Which in turn motivates me to do more.

Like the buds on the tree. Beautiful things take time to grow. The conditions need to be just right and they need to be strong enough to push through. No matter how slow you go, keep thinking positively and doing little things to change. The little things make a difference!

Spring is coming, so is change!

Start that second job! Start that blogg! Go for that run! Sign up for that gym! Open that bank account! Make that Vision Board! Apply for that Job! Read that Book! Make that Call! Start somewhere! Start doing something! One little thing can change everything! The ripple effect!

GO! Change! Do!