Tag: journal

The Dark Side

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Today/Tonight is supposed to be a night filled with reflection and hope. A night filled with excitement and goal setting. But for me, for me it is a day I realized that I have fallen deeper into the hole I have been running from. I told myself a few months back that I wasn’t going to blog unless I had something positive to say. Well not a lot has changed and I have been very quite. I decided to stay quiet because I new no one would listen. No one wants to listen to someone be negative. I know I don’t want too. Well, I have officially fallen to the dark side and I am going to tell the world about it.

This time last year we were in a rough spot. I lost my hearing, I was on this awful medication, we were broke, but we had Hope. We had a flame full of hope and adventure. We were in a new place we had all these new things around us. New places, new jobs, new beginnings. I had $12000 in the bank, a great credit score, and all the faith in the world that everything would be ok.

Today, I woke up to more overdraft fee charges, $60 in the bank, and shitty credit. We cannot pay rent, we cannot pay our car payments, nor our credit card bills. We need milk and dog food. I have a job I took for the money, that I HATE. And everyone on social media is reflecting on the wonderful things they are grateful for and have hope for the next year.

This is when I realized my flame has gone out. I have no hope left. My optimism, the very thing I pride myself on having no matter the situation, is gone. I have nothing left to give. I have thought throughout this year I have hit rock bottom a few times, only to have life hit me in the face and say “Ha the hole goes deeper!”. I have been tested. I have been tried. I have failed.

I have recently watched The Return of the Guardians a Dreamwork film with Jack Frost, Santa, the Easter Bunny, and such. They talk about finding your center. Finding what makes you a guardian. What really makes you you. I have wanted to know this for a long time. I have asked for help in finding this. My Family thinks I am crazy and need to be patient, my calling will come. Friends don’t know what to say. Strangers don’t listen, I mean,  who really wants to listen to someone bitch about how shitty their life is. I have followed great minds that I admire like Oprah, Ellen, J.K. Rowlings, Tony Robbins, Law of Attraction, Positive quotes, hoping, no searching for a clue or an way to find an answer. They all say the same thing. Find that one thing that you cant go without, that one thing that makes you happy and you would do for free. Then do it.

My problem is, I don’t know what that is for me.

I dont know how to find that answer. I dont know what I love to do. I love a lot of things. Some of which I would have to go back to school for. Some I would need experience to get into. But none that make me so nervous that I smile at that thought of it. I love traveling. I would love to travel all over the world. See everything. Eat everything. Experience everything. How do I find a job to help me do this? Even if I found a job that allowed me to do this, how do I pay the bills when I am so far in a hole.

I know J.K. Rowlings was older when she hit her fame, same with Ellen and Oprah. But I am at a point where the dark side is taking over. I have lost all hope. I am becoming the Sith lord I was sworn to protect myself against. My boyfriend is a true Jedi. Always hopeful. However the difference between him and I is that he is ok with were we are. I am not. I want out of here, I don’t ever want to be here again. He wants out to but not to the same extent. He is ok with what we have and happy with our family. I want more I know we are better than this. I am in the part of my story where I am talking with the enemy realizing his plan is not so bad. I will be 30 in march and have nothing to show for it.

I am not married, no kids, no home, no career. I have a boyfriend that my whole family hates, I am over weight, broke and unhappy. Now these things in themselves are not bad things but I want my family to be proud of me. I want to be proud of me.

I know that this is the problem. I know I care about how people view me. I shouldn’t but I dont blame them. If I saw me as a TV character, I would judge me as well. I want to travel. I what good credit so I can buy a home. I want a savings account so I can get married, and travel. I want to start a family. I want to have a career I love. Why is it so hard!

I have dreams. Big Dreams. But no Idea how to get them. No Idea how to find my dream job, to pay my bills and pay for my desire to travel. I would love to go back to school. There is so much I would love to learn. I would love to allow my boyfriend to go back to school. He deserves it. He deserves to go to school and study to be an engineer. He deserves someone that loves him for him and doesn’t try to change him. My anger and lack of faith is causing a huge nail in our relationship.

My flame has gone out. I give up. I don’t know how to get out of this mess. The money I make at this job I hate is not enough to get us out of here. I cant do this any more. There is no one left to ask for help. No one left to listen. I have nothing left to give.

I have thought about writing Ellen, Rowlings or Oprah, but I am not looking for a hand out. I am looking for a place to get answers. I am looking for someone to say do this and they can help. Do I need a life coach? Do I need a Financial Planner? Do I need to go back to school? WHAT!?!?!

I just want to know.

I am so tired of trying so hard just to fail.

I have lost the one virtue that I have prided myself on. Optimism. I am too tired. I am sick of trying for nothing.

30 years and nothing but scars to show for it. No home, no kids, no career, no ring. No travel stories. Nothing. Just scars and heart ache.

I am so much more than this.

Surely someone can see that.

Surely someone has an answer.

Whole Damn Fire

In my last post I wrote about how I was afraid of losing my spark. I was afraid that this job was killing me slowly. I was mindlessly surfing facebook when this post caught my attention.

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It was the sign I have been looking for. This may not be the job of my dreams but I cannot let it dull my fire! I cannot let it destroy me! I will not let it get me down! I am a warrior! I have passion and a fiery energy about me! I will not let others take this from me!

I am going into work today ready to conquer it ! I am ready to take on my task and be the best I can be. I am ready to ask questions, initiate meetings, and kick A**!

Some times you just need to stop and look around, the universe is giving you the signs you are asking for. You just need to be paying attention!

 

 

My Spark

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Photo credit: Drew Rosier Professional Illustrator

I have been in training for my new job for three weeks, and I have been in the job for a week. I am not giving up, however it has been a struggle. Lots of tears, not much support, and a huge amount of uncertainty. My biggest fear right now is that I am losing my spark.

I fear I am losing the one thing that makes me me. I flame is going out. I am so close to giving up. I am so close to just going back to live in my moms basement. I am so close. I cant even tell you what I enjoy doing any more.

I am scared that if I stay and “tough this out” I will lose myself completely. I am dancing with the line between a job being hard, and a job being destructive to my soul.

I moved here to find myself. Maybe you have to loose yourself before you can find out who you really are, but where is the line. When does it get better. I am sick of crying on my lunch and when I get home every day. I just want to be valued and be in a positive work environment, and make my bills in the mean time. Why is this so much to ask? Why cant I shake this?

“They” say that it gets hard before it gets better…. well it is too hard.

I am giving myself false motivation because it is better than no motivation.

I need help. I want a better job. I want to be me and enjoy life again. I want to be happy. I am sick of crying. I want to be adventurous and have time to do the things I love. I want to get married. I want my boyfriend to see the good side of me. I know it is not easy for him to see me sad all the time. I want to go home. I dont know what to do.

Do I quit. Do I move. Do I keep pushing. When do I realize that all these bad things that have happened are a sign that we shouldn’t be here. When do we realize that this was a bad choice. When do we give up. Why can I not get another job. Why cant I get the job I feel I deserve. Is it me am I not deserving. Do I need to go back to school. WHAT???!!!!!!!!!!

I am sick of guessing I NEED ANSWERS!

I need a direction.

I need a path.

I need a mentor.

I need help.

I need God to be more obvious. I need him to write me an email. I need him to put someone in my life that can push me in the right direction. I need something!

PLEASE

My New Adventure

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I am sitting here in a hotel room waiting for my roommate (who I have never met) who will be joining me for training for my new job this week. I am scared, nervous, anxious, excited, and worried all at the same time. This is my new adventure. This is my new start. This is a new beginning.

I know I am going to be great at it. I know I am going to excel beyond expectations. I know I am going to shine. I am not worried about any of those things. I am worried about liking the job. I am worried that I wont love it. I am worried I will have to start again. I am worried that all this time will be for nothing.

But I keep telling myself, you never know tell you try, you never know who you will meet, and you never know what opportunities will come from it. They say that if it scares you, you should probably do it. Well, here I am. Lets see what this is all about.

I think my biggest fear is disappointment. I hope that this job is challenging, exciting, rewarding, and they promote often. I hope that I love this job. I dont want to get into another job and master it in three months just to be back to square one of looking for another job. I dont want to be disappointed in myself again.

I want to thrive. I want to look my best. I want to be proud of the job I have and be proud to tell people about it. I want to feel good about what I do.

This adventure is about me. My goal is to go into it with a level head, clear mind, and positive energy. I will do my best at everything I do, and even try to do better. I need to set goals every day and achieve them. I can do this. This is a new beginning. Nothing is standing in my way.

Tomorrow I am going to get there early, look sharp, and be in the moment. I wont let my mind go astray. I will focus on the task at hand and look forward to the rewards at the end. I can do this. I am doing this for the opportunities it will bring to my life. Both financially and for my career.

I pray the universe gives me a sign letting me know I am in the right spot and on the right track. I am so afraid that I am making a wrong choice. I know it is a good one logically. I know it is a good one financially. I know it can offer a lot for me career wise. I just hope that it is in line with my purpose or gets me closer to it.

I have faith. I believe that everything happens for a reason.

Wish me luck!

Trying to figure it all out.

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I just wrote this whole blog post about needing help. I had it saved and ready to publish. I went to re read it before publishing, and realized how pathetic it was. I deleted it and reevaluated. I do need help financially, but I shouldn’t be put it out there like dirty laundry for everyone to see.

Do I want to be on Ellen or Oprah for something amazing, Yes. But ranting about how I work 7 days a week and have two jobs is not going to get me there. Ranting about “why not me” is not going to make anyone like me. People keep saying it is OK to ask for help, well I dont know how. Let me rephrase, I dont know how without feeling pathetic, or defeated.

My mom called to ask how I was doing the other day, and I dont know how to tell her that I have spent all my bonds just so we can pay our bills. I talked to her about going back to school. She said maybe you should use your bonds for that. Well that would have been a good idea, but they are gone. I cant bring myself to tell her that. I doubt she would help me anyway. Again, I am not good at admitting defeat.

Before I knew the results of my biopsy from the lump in my breast I had a moment where I thought “If they only give me 6 months to live, I would be very disappointed in myself and how I have lived my life.” I am better than this. I am more than these bullshit jobs. I am a better girlfriend than I have been. I am a loving, energetic, smiling person. Where did she go. My boyfriend still believes that I am here. Why cant I believe it. I have lost her somewhere and I am afraid she wont come back.

My boyfriend is an amazing man. He still believes we can survive this. He still believes that something great is going to happen to us. I am sitting here saying “OMG my life sucks why me” and he is in the same boat fixing the leak. He deserves so much more than this. He doesnt pay his bills so we can pay mine. He sits and wipes my tears away every day. He tells me every day that I am beautiful. He holds me and keeps me safe. He has unwavering faith. He keeps it together when it is all falling apart.

I do believe that going back to school is part of the answer. I want to be a Physical Therapist Assistant. I have found a school and emailed them my story so we will see what happens. I would need to find two part time jobs that would work with my schedule. But give me enough money for rent, car payment, car insurance, and Health Insurance. Oh and give me time to study and love my boyfriend the way he deserves. (working out should be in there somewhere too)

I feel so defeated. I feel like such a failure. I just want someone to help me. Give me advice. Or even have the answer…But that is not how life works. Nothing is given to you. You earn it. Well shit, how do you earn it? Where am I going wrong?

I am trying to be positive. I write down three things I am grateful for ever day. I try to look at the bright side. But depression is a real thing and it is not getting easier. Maybe someone is listening. Maybe the universe has a plan. Maybe Ellen love my blog. Who knows. All I know is I need to change this.

I can do it.

One question at a time.

 

It doesn’t do well to dwell in the Past.

 

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I sit here today dwelling in the past. I miss Colorado. I miss having a home, a good job, good food, and places to shop. I miss my mountains. I miss my friends. I keep saying what if I stayed, what if I took a different job, what if.

I cannot change the past. I cannot re make decisions. Unfortunately I cannot go back to Colorado. All I have is what is in front of me. I can choose to dwell in what it is not, or strive to find what it is.

I keep saying once I find a different job I will be happy, or once we buy a home  I will be happy, or once we have money I will be happy. But that is not what happiness is about. Happiness is about being happy no matter the circumstances. If you keep finding happiness in things you will never find it. There will always be something you dont have. I need to find a way to be happy now. Would money help, YES, but it is not the cause of my unhappiness. I was unhappy when I had money.

I dont know the answer. I dont have a secret trick. I just know that I need to be happy in the now. I cant change the past, but I can help shape the future. I am choosing to be positive and make the most of what we have here. Just today I had a day where  I wish I was back at home.

 

Time to Take Pride

“All your life, other people will try to take your accomplishments away from you. Don’t you take it away from yourself.”

― Michael Crichton, The Lost World

My mom came into town this weekend to visit me and my sister. She hasn’t come to visit me since I moved in November. I was so excited she was going to be staying with me. I deep cleaned the house, decorated extra nice, made sure it was a place she would say “wow this is a great place”. I couldn’t wait for her to pull into the parking lot.

Now three days later I am exhausted, stressed, and really down on my self. My sister is the “perfect child”. She has a career, a wonderful husband, a home, savings, she has her shit together. I am the “Free Spirit” of the family. All I have ever wanted is for my mom to be proud of me for things that I have done in MY way. After this weekend I know that wont happen. Not because of her or because my sister is perfect and I will never live up to her standard, but simply because I am not proud of myself.

I am not proud that I have debt collectors calling me. I am not proud that I dont have a career. I am not proud that I am 15lbs over weight. I am not proud that I am stuck here in this God awful state. I am however, too proud to admit it. I am too proud to ask for help.To proud to work weekends.

I want to start doing better for me. Really. I dont want to be this. This is not me. I want things to get better.  I have noticed that the last few months I have stopped doing little things that are important. Not big things, little things that dont make a difference tell you dont do them. I have started to slack off on brushing my teeth before bed. I have not been working out (something I LOVE to do). I eat when I am not hungry. I have stopped being positive. I have stopped being grateful. I have stopped praying. I have stopped caring about how I dress. I have stopped wearing makeup.

It didnt happen all at once but it has now gotten to a point to where I have noticed. I used to be so proud of my body. I was a D1 Athlete. I had great legs, a amazing back, rock hard abs. Now I hunch, and have a gut. I dont carry myself the same way. My teeth are not as white and my smile doesn’t sparkle. I have lost all hope in myself. I feel like my inner flame has gone out.

I keep saying “I used to be this and used to be that” and I need to stop doing that. I cannot keep looking backwards expecting to move forward. I need to start being the me I am now. The me I was then, has changed. I need to stand up for myself and get this shit started. Starting with me.

I am going to brush my teeth twice a day. I am going to take pride in my outfits. Maybe even wear makeup to work. I am going to work out once a day. I am going to talk to a financial adviser and see what my best options are for debt consolidation. I am going to get out of this mess. Why is this so hard? Why am I so sad? Why can’t someone save me? What is the answer? I am so tired of trying…… I just need some help.

I am going to find me…. I can do it.

It starts with Self Pride.

I will find my fire.

I will find me.

Make Lists, Make Change

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With the rain today I finally have come to a realization, I am depressed. I have finally lost all motivation to do the things I love. People are finally sick of me talking about being worthless. I dont want to get up in the morning. I cant pretend any more. I am depressed.

I was reading a article today about Kristen Bell, and how she struggled with Depression. A successful, rich, beautiful woman is depressed. She seems to have all the things that I feel I am depressed about. Yet she is still depressed. She mentioned how  depression is about your self worth. How you feel about yourself. I keeps saying if I had money my problems would go away, or if I would just loose weight I would feel better, or if I new what I wanted to do with my life I would be happy. Kristen made me realize that it has nothing to do with that. It has everything to do with how I feel about me.

My boyfriend got an amazing job opportunity a few weeks ago. He is so excited about it. He deserves it. He works hard, he is always positive, he never complains. He totally deserves ever dollar, and opportunity he is getting. I am excited for him too. I am so happy for him. Our financial situation will be better too. But in my head I am saying “why not me?When is my break? Am I not a good person?  Do people not want me? ”

I know I shouldn’t think this way, but I do. He has 10 plus years in his field. He is very skilled. I have skills too…. just not specialized like his. I cant even talk about it to him any more. I cant even pretend to be happy, and I can tell it is getting to him. Our relationship is fine, our intimacy is not. Our conversations are stale. He still loves me, but he is stressed too. With the rain and thunder today, I have decided to make list, to make a change.

I have to change. I dont want to be here. I need to change my state of mind. I need to keep busy so I dont focus on the negatives. I have a ton of stuff I “could” do but dont because I dont feel like it. But today is different. I HAVE to. Just like the rain HAS to come and be dark, the only difference is that the rain passes. It is time to make this pass. I am going to do so with lists.

Here is my list for today:

  • Write a Blog
  • Take a Photo
  • Take the dogs for a walk
  • Put the laundry away
  • Clean the bathroom
  • find trivia quizes for your down time at work
  • meditate for 10 min tonight
  • Dont look at your phone after 7 tonight

Seems like normal routine stuff, but I haven’t done any of it in weeks. My laundry is still in the dryer, my bathroom is filthy (and I live with a boy and two dogs), I never make time for myself, it has gotten bad. I need to make a goal to do my lists. I do well with lists. Writing things down and crossing them off works for me. I just need to do it. I dont want to go on medication. I cannot afford to talk to anyone. I need to do this for me.

I got this. List = change. One day at a time. That is all I have control over. By having lists I am trying to focus on the now. Not stressing over the future, or why I dont know what I want to do, or my relationship. I am focused on now and what I can do. All simple tasks. But when I complete them, at the end of the day I can say ” I did it “.

That in its self is an accomplishment.

Change is Coming: My Motivational Monthly Rant

I have been looking back on the past few months and have noticed that I have become more and more negative. I used to pride myself on being positive and optimistic, easy going and affectionate. But I have changed. Negative thinking has changed me.

Ever since my hearing scare in November I have been struggling. Struggling with my health, my weight, my finances, my purpose, my place, everything. Just when I feel like I have a grip, something else happens. I have let myself slip into a negative tornado of dust. Spinning uncontrollably, unable to breath. It has to stop. My storm is still spinning, but the negative thinking has to stop.

I know there are many times I have said “today is the day”, but each time I am tested and fail. The way I look at it is every time we try something and fail, we learn something. I have learned something every time I have tried to be positive. It is not easy. It is a daunting task that is ongoing. It only takes one little thing to brake the gates that hold back the negative thoughts. Just one thing, could be a look from a stranger, cloths that don’t fit, telling someone your profession when you are not proud of it, being at your job that you are not proud of,  being late on rent (again). No matter how hard you try something comes up and reminds you of the lame reality you live in.

Change is hard, but nothing worth having is easy. The last few weeks I have been mad a the universe. I am mad that I have to go through these things when my perfect siblings don’t. People keep telling me they will go through their own demons, but still. It is not fair. Life is not fair. Karma doesn’t come around. You create your own reality. I have been sitting her waiting for life to bring me things. Waiting for the universe to give me my dose of karma. Waiting does nothing. I need to create my own reality. I am in charge.

I can do this. I can change my life. I am working on it the best I know how. Hope is the only thing keeping me going. My belief that there is more to life than this, is the only thing keeping me dreaming. I believe there is something more out there. I believe there is a purpose or level of satisfaction that I can reach. I am tired of being here. I am tired of not having what I want. I am tired of working 3 jobs and not being able to afford rent. I am tired!

A part of me is so pissed at the world that I am about to scream. I am about to break out into BITCH mode and take what is mine. (In a positive, legal way of course). I have hit the breaking point. I am done. I am ready for the biggest and brightest. I am ready to jump. I am ready to have a job with 401K options, I am ready to buy a home, I am ready to have friends, true friends, I am ready to get married, have kids, travel the world.

It is time to live not struggle!

Change is coming.

 

I am there

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Have you ever been so stressed out that when someone asks how things are going you just cry.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed that you cannot hold it together but cant tell any one because you feel like they dont want to hear it any more from you.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed that your hair is falling out in the shower in clumps.

I am there.

Have you ever just been so stressed you dont know how long you can keep it together.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed you start stressing about how it is effecting your brain.

I am there.

Have you ever been so stressed your smile cannot hide the pain any more.

I am there.

I cried at work today because someone asked how my second job was going. I smiled and said “good” and started crying… for no reason. I pulled myself together (after 5 min of crying in the bathroom) and walked back out and she hugged me. I cried again. I went to my car and prayed. I dont know what to do.

I am here.

 

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